Hope In The Valley

On February 24, 2024, my life changed forever.  In the space of a few seconds and a few spoken words, my world crumbled and my heart shattered into a million pieces.  To say I was stunned by the announcement our son made is truly an understatement. 

We were totally blindsided by what was being said and, at first, I didn't know how to reply.  How could a young man, who had never shown any feminine tendencies his entire life, now tell me he had always wanted to be a girl and was "transitioning" into one?  And then proceed to tell me he is not gay, so of course, my question was "then why are you doing it?" 

I don't think I really got a response that made any sense.  That first conversation between us turned into a lot of hurt, angry words on my part, tears streaming down my face as I was told I had to accept this new person my son was becoming and forget the baby boy I once held in my arms. 

From the moment he was born I was his anchor and he trusted me completely. I could read it in those tender eyes, but now that had all changed.  Before me stood someone who had always listened to me, but now telling me he knew because of my Christian beliefs that I would never accept it, that I was now an enemy and a transphobe.  I have discovered over the last few months that word gets tossed around a whole lot by the "trans" community.  My son certainly enjoyed using it against me, but what puzzles me is why does this community always get to be of the right opinion and the rest of us do not get to even have one?  I was basically told if I could not change my opinion then there was no use in him staying in contact with us. 

I never asked my son to leave and, even though I told him I didn't want him embarking on this journey, I never tried to change his mind or at least I don't think I did.  That first conversation was such a shock and I'm not really sure what came out of my mouth.  I do remember telling him that I could not accept him as a girl.  I told him I didn't give birth to a daughter and didn't want one now, especially if it meant losing my son.  I told him he would always be welcomed in our home but, because of these choices, there would now have to be boundaries.  And I also told him I would never address him by a name we did not give him at birth. 

I encouraged him to think about what he was doing, that you can't just change certain things because you want to and that all actions have consequences, but he was having none of it.  I was just grasping for straws when I said all this and, little did I know how accurate I was until I read the book "Lost in Trans Nation" by Miriam Grossman.  It opened up this dark world to me and it reminded me so much of a cult. 

There were many moments while studying this world when my mind thought back on a time in the 1970's and a man named Jim Jones, a very convincing cult leader who turned mass murderer by leading, and even forcing, many members of his group, "The People's Temple", to consume a flavored drink laced with cyanide.  Like this cult, the trans community operated under the radar and prepared their strategy patiently until, when they finally presented it, those of us slumbering were very rudely awakened and told we had to drink the contents prepared for us!  Our children are following a woke medical society and believing everything they're told, but like those Jim Jones followers they don't see the destruction, depression and yes, even death awaiting them in a future created and enforced by others.  But I refuse to be drawn into this woke culture that is destroying our children and young adults, and if my sharing my studies with my son causes him to exit my life, which he has now done, then I must trust my God to know His eye is on this situation and only He can make a miracle happen.  My God does not make mistakes and no one, including my son, will ever convince me of that.

I want to believe that this is just a nightmare I will wake up from, but the truth is this is my new reality.  Every day I have to force myself to hammer down the enemy and his lies.  I did nothing to bring this situation about and I did not fail as his mother.  I was not perfect in raising this child God gave me, none of us are, but I did do the best I could with what I had.  I was totally ignorant to the world walking through my front door and Satan slipping in through the back door.  I can now honestly say I was one of those people who walked around believing if it wasn't happening to me, I could ignore it and while I was choosing to ignore it something was subtly happening that was fixing to rock my world.  Living in this world is very different from the one I enjoyed before.  Thoughts of one day having a gracious daughter-in-law and grandchildren frolicking at my feet are buried now.  Many things died with my son and cannot be recaptured with a daughter who does not really exist.  Many people tell me he can transition back, and I understand that, but how much is broken, damaged and destroyed while playing out this tragic game?  How much is dying on the inside and cannot be recovered because of something you are wanting to change on the outside?

To have my son transform his life in this way has completely broken my heart.  It has played with my mind in ways a mother shouldn't have to imagine.  I have had to hear him try to convince me that past remembrances are entirely different then they really are.  The change didn't just affect him physically, but mentally as well.  He wants to re-invent his entire life based on memories that never happened.  How does a mother accept that? How do you wipe away a lifetime of moments that you recall with such love and happiness and replace them with half-truths and even lies that bring only tears and despair?  Has it really come to a place where I have to let go of the son I adore?  Do my memories of a beautiful little boy and now young man have to be pushed to the recesses of my mind to not be remembered or spoken?  Do my feelings become non-essential because I don't agree with what's happening?

I will end by saying Jesus is my steadfast hope.  On days when my faith is at the lowest, I have to remind myself that He saw all of this a long time ago and is working on it even though I cannot see it.  He is in a future that is not meant for me to see.  He is walking with me into these days that lay before me, but He is also waiting for me to get there.  This valley has been the toughest one I have ever walked though.  It is muddy and cloudy from all the tears I have cried and it's very difficult to wade through what is being scattered around me, but there is HOPE.  I do see the mountain ahead and like the song reminds me, when I get to the top of that mountain and turn around to look below I will see a field of beautiful flowers that needed time to grow and I will thank Him for keeping me there because He was holding my world in a watering can and planting seeds that are meant to bring me peace and all because flowers really do grow in the valley.  Something good has to come from this and it will most certainly bring glory to GOD.  I take comfort in that because at the moment God is all I have.  

(Flowers by Samantha Ebert)