A few weeks ago, a detransitioner posted the following survey for parents:
There was no way for me to answer by the choices given, but he inspired me to write a long form answer instead.
My daughter has been evaluated, prodded, tested, psychoanalyzed and more since she was 4 years old. After managing a pretty happy and stable childhood in a foreign country, we unfortunately moved back to the US. She soon received a diagnosis of ASD and we promptly entered the mental health industrial complex.
Like most parents with a struggling child, I sought the help of various doctors, therapists and specialized schools and cliniciansâboth for her and for our family. I found that most are ill-equipped to deal with escalated teen problems such as self-harm, self-hate, eating disorders, and of course, trans.
Some therapists were outright harmful, like the ASD specialist who asked me if I âpreferred to have a happy, fat daughter, or a suicidal one?â when I hesitated to give my then pre-teen daughter an off-label antipsychotic drug that causes metabolic disorders. Sound familiar? I am grateful for that experience because it taught me to listen to my instincts. It reminded me that these professionals are imperfect humans whose opinions should be questioned when they do not seem right.
Treatment gets more complicated once there is a trans identification. A providerâs abilities become impaired the moment they adopt the affirmation model. Let me state it plainlyâclinicians who subscribe to this way of thinking have put their brain on life-support and are operating with averted eyes and on autopilot.
So what helped? For me what helped was researching and reading anything that could help me understand my daughterâs struggles. I learned that many girls disintegrate in adolescence, and that many donât make it back in one piece. I read about teenage development, attachment theory, social communications disorder, and trauma. A researcher in another country sent me articles and studies about identity building in ASD adolescents, the confusing aspects of gender roles in that cohort, and how slow processing speeds and external influences can hinder and delay their maturity and development.
Regarding trans, I found 4th Wave Now, Peak Resilience Project, and the Benjamin Boyceâs YouTube channel. I consulted with Sasha Ayad and listened to Lisa Marchiano. I learned the meaning of the word iatrogenesis. When the pandemic started, I joined the ROGD parent support board, heard about Stella OâMalley, read Lisa Littmanâs research, talked to other parents, devoured SEGMâs website, and realized that it was not me who has gone mad, but that the culture had shifted dramatically while I had been abroad.
The most helpful insights came from detransitionersâ tweets and stories. I know detransitioners are exasperated by parents because they think we look to them to âsave our kids,â but in reality, detransitioners are the only window we have into our kidâs world and mentality. Their experiences provide a profound understanding of what our kids are going through.
I read many accounts by ASD detrans people who describe how they confused their autistic traits with gender issues. I read about girls who were traumatized by violent porn, sexual harassment or worse. All my clinicians were stumped when I asked about fan fictionâ whatâs that all about? But detransitioners knew! BDSM? I actually had one therapist AND her boss tell me that that community could be empowering for my sexually inexperienced, ASD daughter. Only detransitioners could contextualize its appealâand confirm my worst fears.
I learned about Tumblr, eating disorders, family dysfunction, resentment, and estrangement, and I read countless stories of young people growing up isolated and in terrible confusion and pain. Coping the best way they could, they were misled and mistreated by trusted adults. Many of these stories mapped perfectly onto my daughter.
I owe a huge debt of gratitude to these insights. They clarified that affirmation and social transition are not benign, neutral interventions (something I instinctively felt, but could not explain), because transition is a game with moving goal posts and changing rules. I realized that most clinicians are easily manipulated and frighteningly uninformed, if not totally captured by this ideology. Many would appear to be outright masochists.
Detransitioner stories showed me that I could not reason or talk my daughter out of this trans path. That nothing mattered more than building trust and connection. That this is not really about gender, but it is about being uncomfortable with yourself and your body. I realized that I am her mirror, and that when she looks at me, she must see love, hope, and acceptance.
My kid is 18 now and, while she still identifies as trans, she does not self-harm anymore and is trying to leave other old bad habits behind. It will take a lot of time and effort to get her mental and physical health back, but Iâve also learned to judge progress in tiny amounts. I understand now that this is a long processâbut Iâm in it for the long haul with my daughter, and I am patient.
Please share more about fan fiction. My kid is constantly on wattpad, and what I've read is relatively innocuous, but who knows ...
Thank you for your writing. These words resonated with me: "That nothing mattered more than building trust and connection. That this is not really about gender, but it is about being uncomfortable with yourself and your body. I realized that I am her mirror, and that when she looks at me, she must see love, hope, and acceptance." This is so very true - I am working on establishing trust and a positive connection with a family member caught up in the trans-ideology. Love, Hope and Acceptance.