Thank you for putting into words what I am feeling. It’s been almost 5 years since our daughter was caught up in this cult. After trying to reach out but not affirming, we have been shunned and lied about on social media. Of course not a day goes by without prayers that she will be restored to us. However I refuse to to let this pain suck the joy out of our lives. It’s a decision every day, but one that has to be made
This was a good description of how I am feeling. Though I try to move on and enjoy my life, my son has created an enormous hole for our family. As a father with two small sons, he has chosen a narcissistic delusion over family. That is not how he and his wife see it, but that is how I view it. He would happily be a part of our lives, but only if I support his delusion. Since I will not, we effectively do not see each other much. It is heartbreaking and completely contrary to how he was raised. It feels like a dark cloud settled over you and stayed. But, I am trying to move on with my life and I keep the hope that he may come back to us.
Thank you, thank you, for putting words to the grief my husband I are experiencing. (And maybe to a lesser degree what my kids and my parents experience. )
My son has chosen estrangement over our once strong family bonds. He has turned his back on his parents and his first best friends (his brothers). He’s rejected an entire family (including our family name) because we won’t affirm him in his delusion/fantasy. Attempts to talk about anything, anything at all, are rejected unless we affirm. Meaning affirmation comes first before any kind of conversation. It’s impossible. I’ve written the letters, the texts, looking to understand, attempting to make amends where I need to, hoping for reconciliation. All in vain.
It’s terribly sad to think of all the losses.
We have chosen to adopt the advice of our wise and compassionate pastor. He reminded us, that as horrible as this estrangement and grief is, we must learn to hold it in tension with the joys of this life. We grieve with those who grieve and we rejoice with those who rejoice. We hold grief in one hand and joy in the other. He reminded us that life is for the living and in response we have been intentional in our living, in our choosing life. That’s because I could not possibly survive this grief if I didn’t choose to find joy in living.
And so we take our quiet moments to cry and talk about our sadness and losses and grief. We pray for our son daily. We miss him horribly.
We also celebrate the many wonderful things in our lives, our other kids and their spouses, our new granddaughter, a beautiful fall day, the many things we are thankful for. This is how it is for now. We hold onto hope that one day our son will return. Until then we watch and pray and live.
Yes, there is grief in losing the connection, family life and relationship. Her physical presence. Her smile.
And separately there is the feeling of betrayal by the entire world. Every person and institution you trusted. Friends. Family. The President. The doctors. The teachers. Everyone.
I have not begun to heal yet. I kind of fake like i am normal. I tried a therapist in my darkest days when my husband couldn’t take it anymore and she just shamed me. I will never go to another. They destroyed my daughter, why would I?
It is hard but you must wish them well and move on. They know you are there but you must not forsake your own beliefs and belittle yourself. Start to live again and realise your own worth. You have memories and noone can take them away.
I have tears streaming down my face after reading this. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for many years as I remain estranged from my daughter and several others in my extended family. You have perfectly described the difference between death and estrangement, and how we are left in limbo with no closure, funeral service, condolence cards, bereavement leave or even an urn to hold the ashes of what has been lost.
Meanwhile the number of adult children who are estranged from their families is skyrocketing in our highly individualistic, media-obsessed culture full of quack online therapists who encourage our kids to prioritize their own feelings over all else. What doesn't make them happy must be cut from their lives. They feel no obligation to their families, and the fact that you devoted years of your life to raising them means nothing. Family ties, family history, family anything has no significance. In fact, few of them intend to marry or have children of their own.
This demonstrates that we aren’t the ones at fault. The children couldn’t care less how much we torture ourselves trying to make things better. They’re total narcissists and frankly I don’t think they deserve us
This makes me feel so seen! My only sibling is estranged from me for different reasons than described by this post but the stages of grief are mostly the same. The only difference is that I DON’t feel anything. Grief isn’t physical. I’m too exhausted, too numb to feel anything and I HATE that.
I have experienced much of this. Meaning, the extreme loss, while being cut off from contact and now the return of contact- while minimal- at best. There still remains a feeling of loss. The child ( actually, young adult) who has re-entered my life is very different from the one who left. So, while I can sleep at night knowing my child is alive and- it’s hard to say “healthy “- because I don’t see it as healthy, there’s still a tremendous feeling of loss.
Loss of the closeness & friendship we once had, loss of fluid, unencumbered speech, loss of a mother and child connection. Dare I say it- a loss of trust. I poured my everything into keeping my child safe & trying to honor the blessing bestowed upon me by God. Now, my kid has chosen to endanger that life with hormones, future surgery, and a host of bad decisions. We’re not allowed to discuss the topic or contact will once again be lost. So, trivial things are discussed along with how work is going, how pets are doing, how other family members are doing….
Meanwhile, inside, all I want to do is discuss my kid’s need for therapy, the need for self love and healing.
So, my point in all of this is even when there is contact ambiguous grief remains.
To all of the parents going through this nightmare-
Very relateable. At this point, if I talk much about my grief, it is often minimized with platitudes and/or I get statements that show that they don't really think I should be grieving at all. And of course the trans activists mock my grief, including my daughter and the allies around her.
I disagree. Grief is the loss of the relationship. With the child, and in my case, not only my adult child (who has cut me off - and cannot even see photos on Instagram or Facebook), but my adult child’s children. I, and my husband, are cut off from our grandchildren. Yes, we grieve. I try not to think about. Every now and then, we get into conversations where we express again the same thoughts of sadness, grief, and loss of connection with the grandchildren, particularly. There is no resolution, no rapprochement, no healing. I believe in a life after this, and resolution on the Other Side. In the meantime, I pray for their wellbeing, for them to feel our love, and to be watched over by angels.
This is helpful for those of us experiencing this loss... The most difficult part for me is that there were no risk factors in our home, my husband was and is a wonderful Father, but our son has been overcome by mental illness! I pray daily not just for our family but for everyone else going through this also!
Thank you for putting into words what I am feeling. It’s been almost 5 years since our daughter was caught up in this cult. After trying to reach out but not affirming, we have been shunned and lied about on social media. Of course not a day goes by without prayers that she will be restored to us. However I refuse to to let this pain suck the joy out of our lives. It’s a decision every day, but one that has to be made
Thank you.
This was a good description of how I am feeling. Though I try to move on and enjoy my life, my son has created an enormous hole for our family. As a father with two small sons, he has chosen a narcissistic delusion over family. That is not how he and his wife see it, but that is how I view it. He would happily be a part of our lives, but only if I support his delusion. Since I will not, we effectively do not see each other much. It is heartbreaking and completely contrary to how he was raised. It feels like a dark cloud settled over you and stayed. But, I am trying to move on with my life and I keep the hope that he may come back to us.
Thank you, thank you, for putting words to the grief my husband I are experiencing. (And maybe to a lesser degree what my kids and my parents experience. )
My son has chosen estrangement over our once strong family bonds. He has turned his back on his parents and his first best friends (his brothers). He’s rejected an entire family (including our family name) because we won’t affirm him in his delusion/fantasy. Attempts to talk about anything, anything at all, are rejected unless we affirm. Meaning affirmation comes first before any kind of conversation. It’s impossible. I’ve written the letters, the texts, looking to understand, attempting to make amends where I need to, hoping for reconciliation. All in vain.
It’s terribly sad to think of all the losses.
We have chosen to adopt the advice of our wise and compassionate pastor. He reminded us, that as horrible as this estrangement and grief is, we must learn to hold it in tension with the joys of this life. We grieve with those who grieve and we rejoice with those who rejoice. We hold grief in one hand and joy in the other. He reminded us that life is for the living and in response we have been intentional in our living, in our choosing life. That’s because I could not possibly survive this grief if I didn’t choose to find joy in living.
And so we take our quiet moments to cry and talk about our sadness and losses and grief. We pray for our son daily. We miss him horribly.
We also celebrate the many wonderful things in our lives, our other kids and their spouses, our new granddaughter, a beautiful fall day, the many things we are thankful for. This is how it is for now. We hold onto hope that one day our son will return. Until then we watch and pray and live.
Praying for each family represented here too.
🙏🏻❤️
‘You don’t get over this, you grow around it’.
Thank you.
Yes, there is grief in losing the connection, family life and relationship. Her physical presence. Her smile.
And separately there is the feeling of betrayal by the entire world. Every person and institution you trusted. Friends. Family. The President. The doctors. The teachers. Everyone.
I have not begun to heal yet. I kind of fake like i am normal. I tried a therapist in my darkest days when my husband couldn’t take it anymore and she just shamed me. I will never go to another. They destroyed my daughter, why would I?
It is hard but you must wish them well and move on. They know you are there but you must not forsake your own beliefs and belittle yourself. Start to live again and realise your own worth. You have memories and noone can take them away.
I have tears streaming down my face after reading this. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for many years as I remain estranged from my daughter and several others in my extended family. You have perfectly described the difference between death and estrangement, and how we are left in limbo with no closure, funeral service, condolence cards, bereavement leave or even an urn to hold the ashes of what has been lost.
Meanwhile the number of adult children who are estranged from their families is skyrocketing in our highly individualistic, media-obsessed culture full of quack online therapists who encourage our kids to prioritize their own feelings over all else. What doesn't make them happy must be cut from their lives. They feel no obligation to their families, and the fact that you devoted years of your life to raising them means nothing. Family ties, family history, family anything has no significance. In fact, few of them intend to marry or have children of their own.
Ditto to everything you just said. You took the words right out of my mouth.
This demonstrates that we aren’t the ones at fault. The children couldn’t care less how much we torture ourselves trying to make things better. They’re total narcissists and frankly I don’t think they deserve us
This makes me feel so seen! My only sibling is estranged from me for different reasons than described by this post but the stages of grief are mostly the same. The only difference is that I DON’t feel anything. Grief isn’t physical. I’m too exhausted, too numb to feel anything and I HATE that.
I have experienced much of this. Meaning, the extreme loss, while being cut off from contact and now the return of contact- while minimal- at best. There still remains a feeling of loss. The child ( actually, young adult) who has re-entered my life is very different from the one who left. So, while I can sleep at night knowing my child is alive and- it’s hard to say “healthy “- because I don’t see it as healthy, there’s still a tremendous feeling of loss.
Loss of the closeness & friendship we once had, loss of fluid, unencumbered speech, loss of a mother and child connection. Dare I say it- a loss of trust. I poured my everything into keeping my child safe & trying to honor the blessing bestowed upon me by God. Now, my kid has chosen to endanger that life with hormones, future surgery, and a host of bad decisions. We’re not allowed to discuss the topic or contact will once again be lost. So, trivial things are discussed along with how work is going, how pets are doing, how other family members are doing….
Meanwhile, inside, all I want to do is discuss my kid’s need for therapy, the need for self love and healing.
So, my point in all of this is even when there is contact ambiguous grief remains.
To all of the parents going through this nightmare-
My heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you.
❤️🙏🕊️
Exactly!!!
Very relateable. At this point, if I talk much about my grief, it is often minimized with platitudes and/or I get statements that show that they don't really think I should be grieving at all. And of course the trans activists mock my grief, including my daughter and the allies around her.
I found this a great support read! Thanks!
I disagree. Grief is the loss of the relationship. With the child, and in my case, not only my adult child (who has cut me off - and cannot even see photos on Instagram or Facebook), but my adult child’s children. I, and my husband, are cut off from our grandchildren. Yes, we grieve. I try not to think about. Every now and then, we get into conversations where we express again the same thoughts of sadness, grief, and loss of connection with the grandchildren, particularly. There is no resolution, no rapprochement, no healing. I believe in a life after this, and resolution on the Other Side. In the meantime, I pray for their wellbeing, for them to feel our love, and to be watched over by angels.
This!!-"You don’t get over this. You grow around it. The loss stays, but so does your life."
Grief is not the response to betrayal. Grief is the response to the loss. I know. I am dealing with it also.
This is helpful for those of us experiencing this loss... The most difficult part for me is that there were no risk factors in our home, my husband was and is a wonderful Father, but our son has been overcome by mental illness! I pray daily not just for our family but for everyone else going through this also!