How to Parent a Gender Dysphoric Kid - Part Two
How to Parent a Gender Dysphoric Kid - Part Two
This is the second segment of an essay in two parts. Part one.
Pick your battles wisely. In the end we did not care what clothes or haircut our daughter chose. In fact, I think that helped her to feel some degree of autonomy, which is important. We did point out that we at least wanted her clothes to fit somewhat well, otherwise she was buying 3XL and looked ridiculous but kids are allowed to look ridiculous and we knew it wouldn’t last forever. We did take it as an opportunity to point that “gendered” clothing is mostly just a marketing concept and that most girls I knew growing up shopped in the boy’s section too since they just liked the style more. However, we DID fight the “binder” battle. We explained that as her parents we could not allow anything that would potentially damage her body and said we would not allow binders for this reason. However, we did compromise and I worked with her to shop for sports bras online which I paid for. I would not pester your kid about their clothes/hair/shaving/makeup/jewelry, etc. Those don’t ultimately affect sex and if you show that they aren’t important, your kid will place less value on them as well and be forced to think about deeper things.
Speak calm truth. One time my daughter wanted to walk the dog wearing a hoodie and sweatpants in 90-degree heat. When I mentioned this, she was defiant and said she would wear whatever she wanted. When I asked why she said “I’m a boy at school, mom. What if someone from school sees me walking the dog”. I waited a moment and asked, “Do they really think you’re a boy or do they think you’re a girl who really wants to be a boy?” She got angry, scoffed and left with the dog. Another time, she tried to explain to me that she wanted surgery and hormones because she was like a blind person who wanted to see again and wouldn’t I want that for a blind person? I let some time pass and then replied, “I’m confused about your scenario. I’m trying to understand it. In that scenario the eyes weren’t working properly and the surgery was to restore their original function, however your body is already healthy and working properly. So, I’m not understanding the comparison.” She thought about it and tried to explain, but ultimately could not find a way and dropped it. I would also remind her periodically that, as her parents, our biggest responsibility was to look out for her, not only in this moment, but into the future as well and that our greatest hope was that she grows up to be happy and healthy. We asked her “what other motivation” we could possibly have as her parents with the decisions we make?
Be indirect if needed when introducing or changing the environment. Examples – I printed out and framed pictures of both my daughters from when they were babies and all through their school years. I put them up ALL AROUND THE HOUSE so my daughter could not avoid seeing herself as a girl throughout the years (so many of these kids rewrite their history in an attempt to justify their behavior)! She made a few comments such as “wow, you sure seem to be making some changes” and I calmly replied, “I love my family and seeing pictures of my family.” And left it at that.
Be direct when needed. There were times when I had to say to her “This stuff didn’t exist 10 years ago. I think there’s a lot of misinformation on the internet that’s hurting a lot of young and vulnerable people and I flat-out think some adults are wrong about it. You don’t fix mental health issues by injecting wrong sex hormones and removing body parts just like you wouldn’t tell an anorexic person that they are fat and should starve themselves and get lipo”. The lobotomy and ovariectomy scandals of the past were also mentioned. At one point, in a rage she shouted at me “Are you TRANS mom!? If you’re not trans, how would YOU KNOW!?” I admit, at first, I did not know how to respond to this, but my parent coach suggested I say “We both know I’m not. What is it you’re trying to tell me that you think I don’t understand?” I tried it once and she was surprised and calmed down to try and think about what it actually was that she was trying to convey to me instead of just lashing out at me.
Once things calm down - TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS even more! Once my daughter went back to school her sophomore year, I noticed that she was watching more gender critical youtubers such as Marcus Dib, Amala Ekpunobi, Misha Petrov, Blair White, Amar Odom, etc. This is not content I would normally want a teen to watch! However, knowing that she had been exposed to all of the other stuff online and that she was “watching this of her own accord” and thus might be more receptive to their messages, I decided to let it ride without bringing it up. She ultimately told me that seeing these points of view really helped her to think critically about this belief system and helped her to desist.
Continue teaching your child age-appropriate life skills. Many of these kids just don’t want to “adult.” It’s up to us as their parents to show them that, not only can they grow into it and be capable, but they MUST do the hard work of continuing to show up even when they don’t want to. This is why jobs are great. I did tell my kid that business owners don’t want to deal with anyone that appears unstable so best just to leave her resume/name with her official legal info. I told her when babysitting she was not allowed to discuss or confuse kids with anything gender related and that parents prefer girls babysitting over boys anyway so best if she just went as herself. Again, planting seeds of why it’s fine to be a female.
Present opportunities for critical thinking. Be creative. Listen to podcasts. Watch documentaries. View movies with “gender non-conforming” characters who acknowledge their biological reality. Show your kid content from the ‘80’s and point out that we were doing this stuff 40 years ago and that we just called it “androgenous”. We listened to podcasts on the way to her therapyfirst.org sessions. We watched videos on brain development and cults. We learned about logical fallacies and I encouraged her to point them out to me whenever she found them in real life. I showed her ground.news and we reviewed random news articles to learn about bias in news and how to spot misleading headlines and how to dig down to the objective facts and look for keywords that give away biases like “anti”.
LISTEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. There were times when she was emotional and needed to vent or talk to someone. I shut up and let her. This was so she knew she could tell me things that I would not want to hear but that I wouldn’t freak out. I would still love her and she could tell me and I wouldn’t explode. One time she was upset after getting out of the shower because of her body. I just sat with her to be with her.
Ask questions. Do not be afraid to do this but be non-judgmental. I would randomly ask questions like “I wonder why people think someone’s feelings are more important than objective reality?” Who does that benefit? How does it benefit them? I wonder why people think it’s a “gender” vs a feeling? Do people have infinite feelings/personalities or infinite genders? Who gets to decide what a gender is?” “I wonder what people think being a woman is supposed to feel like? What a weird thing to try and understand.”
I did speak with my daughter about how growing up in a female body is HARD and uncomfortable and that this is NORMAL. That even though people may seem to be secure on the outside, on the inside many of us are just faking it, ESPECIALLY during adolescence when we know our body is becoming more sexual and that most of us are not ready for that and want to do anything to stop it but that nature always finds a way and that we have to go through hard growth in order to mature.
Joke whenever possible. It gives the concept of “gender” less power. For example, my kid would mention a cat that was actually a boy but say “she” and then one of us would say “OMG, did you just assume that cat’s gender!? Did you MISGENDER that cat” and we would laugh about it together.
I know it’s scary to bring things up because as parents we didn’t ask to be in this situation and we didn’t want to become the experts in this. We want it all to go away NOW however, we are the parents and the adults and this is our responsibility to address in a thoughtful, loving, intuitive way. Do not be afraid to bring up things when you feel you should. Trust your gut. That doesn’t mean you have 100% certainty about something. It means you feel now is better than never and you go for it. When in doubt, show up and be a strong presence for your kid.
You have to have faith that your kid is smart enough to see through this AS LONG AS they are given the critical thinking skills by their parents and that we create the right environment for growth. It’s hard because we wonder how they could ever get caught up in this stuff. But this is the reality of the world they’re growing up in now. It’s everywhere so why wouldn’t they believe it? This is assuming that your kid is otherwise generally mentally healthy and is still young enough to be living with and dependent on you.
You have to take your “P” vitamin (patience). You have to find patience in places you never knew you could and then you will have to double/triple/quadruple your reserves. My daughter didn’t talk to us for three weeks when we refused to use wrong sex pronouns and a new name. We remained calm and carried on as best as possible. We reminded her periodically that avoidance was not the best course of action to resolve disputes (see the bigger theme here in trying to avoid dealing with body/adult/social (insert word here) insecurity) and that we love her and would be ready to speak with her when she was ready. It was INCREDIBLY hard and I felt like I wanted to give in several times – but I knew that the temporary relief was not in the best interest of my daughter or myself and that she was ultimately depending on us (her parents and the adults) to be stronger. You will have to remind yourself of this many, many times when you are tempted to “give in”.
Do not be afraid to apologize if you were in the wrong. A good apology focuses on what poor behavior or reaction you had without regard to what triggered it. If we don’t teach our children to take accountability and responsibility for their own actions regardless of others, how will they learn? Model this behavior when needed. I had to apologize to my daughter for a poor reaction of mine in the past and then kept my promise to never repeat it. Eventually, my daughter could no longer bring it up as a way to “prove her point.”
Do not be afraid to make mistakes. At one point my daughter logged into my husband’s phone and found our messages to each other about our strategies. She was infuriated and crying and screaming and used this as an opportunity to double down on her identity. I was more worried about the loss of “trust” that we had worked so hard to build back up. I decided to be honest and forthright. She screamed at us that she was trans and nothing would ever change that. I ignored arguing with her about her identity and said “I can tell you’re upset, what is going on? We don’t know what’s going on. Can you please explain to us why you’re angry?” When she fessed up that she had read our messages I remained calm and said “well, we are your parents and, of course, we are going to talk about you. I would also remind you that you did do this without our permission.” After reminding her of this I said, “Do you have any questions about what you read?” and gave her a chance to have an open and honest discussion with me. She asked, “what did you mean by this?” and I answered as honestly as I could. Another example – I told her that we were worried she was self-limiting on her future by letting her identity make her choices for her rather than letting her choices help form her identity. Eventually the conversation turned to other topics. She expressed frustration that she felt like she was living two lives, one at school and one at home. Instead of saying “Well, what did you expect?!?” I let her sit with that feeling for a while and then said, “I bet it would feel that way” without offering a solution or an “I told you so.”
These kids learn the most when they are forced to confront their own feelings/choices without others telling them how they should feel/choose. It’s about creating an environment where they are safe to do that while making their childhood as “normal” as possible in all other ways. Do whatever it takes to create that loving environment while providing stability and grounding as best as possible at the same time. Do not mistake love with saying “yes”. Many times the most loving thing we can do is say “no” and give our reasons why.
Links to materials we reviewed/listened to together:
YouTube videos on cults – We framed this around a visit to family in FL which is the home of Scientology and pointed out that we needed to teach her things to look out for since cults attempt to recruit smart people.
The developing brain of a juvenile by Dr. John Condie.
Painkiller Netflix Series – discussed how this medical scandal happened.
1883 on Paramount – showed how even some girls back then defied gender stereotypes
Examples of what we listened to in the car:
Bari Weiss - Honestly - Does glorifying mental illness deter healing?
Videos we watched with our daughter about this topic as part of the bargain:
Transparency Podcast - episode with Lisa Littman
If you’re able to talk about this…
Teacher challenges students claim that JK Rowling is a “Transphobe”
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CASS REVIEW on NPR (probably just for parents to arm you with facts about the lack of evidence for gender affirming care).
You can do this!!
Brilliant links. My girl is 24 and alienated. I love the calm explanations you gave. I have put them in my back pocket for a rainy day. Thank you.
I am so very appreciative of this and the prior post. I wish so much I could have had this kind of support and that my son had been younger. I will save this because I will support any parent going through this if I come upon the occasion.