How to Parent a Gender Dysphoric Kid - Afterthoughts

Earlier this month I authored two essays on how to parent a dysphoric kid for PITT - see here and here. I chose that title for these essays because, back in 2019 when I was first dealing with this issue with my 11-year-old, this was just the kind of advice I was seeking. I needed specific actions and strategies that would help my daughter to desist while I was still able to have the most influence over her. Now I’m following that up those essays with some additional thoughts.

It took speaking with many parents who have gone through this to have it actually sink in that drastic and deliberate, yet strategic action, was required to navigate this. You are essentially getting your kid out of a cult mindset and need to respond appropriately. I was in denial for a long time about this and hoped it would go away. I assumed other "professionals" saw this social contagion for what it was. I was very wrong about that. One of the most helpful things someone else who went through this ever said to me was "no one is coming to save you." That harsh truth was what it took for me to realize this was on me as the parent - not any therapist, not any professional, not any politician, not anyone else. 

The strategy can and will change if your kid is older but the fundamentals remain the same. I've not been in this situation but I’ve heard from professionals I trust that once your child medicalizes, the "strategy" really focuses on maintaining a relationship with your child, regardless of their age.

You cannot have any influence over your child if you do not have a relationship with them. I realize sometimes even that isn't enough, especially if your child is dealing with other issues, such as mental illness, severe manipulation, etc. My heart breaks for everyone, especially parents, in this situation. 

I will say that regardless of the child's age, as long as they are not rushing to medicalize (do whatever it takes to delay, delay, delay), there is still a ton of potential for things to turn around, provided the parents are willing to do the (long, hard, exhausting) work needed. This is where getting the help of non-affirming parent coach or professional who is in the know is really a wise investment.

Clarifications:

I have two daughters who are roughly three years apart.  This story was about my oldest.  My youngest is very outgoing, social and loves being very feminine. My girls are almost complete opposites but love each other dearly. When my 11-year-old first tried to get us to use male pronouns, my other daughter cried and said, "I don't want a brother, I want my sister". Little sister was too young to really be an ally or even fully understand what was going on a lot of the time and we didn't want to put any additional burden on her. The few times we talked about things, I used very high level concepts with her (such as big sister is just working through some things and that we (her parents) were going to help her through it and things would be ok and she did not have to worry) and let her know she could continue interacting with her sister in whatever way it made her feel comfortable and that she did not have to do anything differently.  We got lucky in that my youngest never used any other name or pronouns for her older sister, mainly because I don't think she ever saw her older sister differently. I did not want to do or say anything that would harm the relationship they had or put any burden on younger sister. 

I think part of what caused distress for my oldest is that she saw how social and outgoing and how feminine her younger sister was and that made her feel insecure about her own sense of self as a girl. We had conversations about stereotypes and about why they exist, when they are helpful and when they are not helpful and that they ultimately do not define who we are and should never be used as a reason to make permanent or final decisions. 

Youtube/anime/roleplay/furries etc.

We heavily restricted internet in the beginning. We showed her articles and watched a few videos on how social media is horrible for children and let her know we would not be doing our jobs as parents if we didn't take this seriously and that we had made a mistake by allowing unlimited access in the past. I even went so far as to lock all the Netflix profiles with an age restriction and manually removed titles from what was available for my kids (heartbreakers for example). You can do this from your online parent account. Just google what shows have "trans" or "lgbtq" themes on Netflix and block it from their profile. My daughter was never too heavily into anime, but liked Kipo and She-Ra and Nimonia, etc . I let her have Netflix back after I cleaned it up. We still don't allow youtube on her personal phone or laptop but she watches it at school. We slowly gave her Instagram back after about six months but only with the contingency that she allow me to supervise it and log in as her at any time. I am logged in as her on my phone and so get all her notifications, etc. I have still blocked any roleplay sites (like warrior cats). She did return to playing some roblox with friends she's known forever and does have access to Discord to call her friends while she's playing it. Same thing, I am logged in as her on Discord so have full access to everything.  The bark phone also still monitors everything so, if she is using an alt account, I would still be notified of inappropriate chats/content, etc. She is still time restricted online.  We focus on getting out of the house first, doing chores, playing games, etc before we get online. I want it to be last resort. It is hard because she likes drawing and loves trading drawings with the online art community, but of course, almost every character people send to her to draw has "top surgery" scars on them, or is LGBTQ or trans. After a while it really gets to my daughter. She now sees how this stuff is everywhere. I think most parents have NO CLUE how crazy rampant this stuff is online and what their kids are being exposed to, especially if they're into the art or fantasy stuff online. They grow up thinking all of this is normal and that it's no big deal being trans or having your breasts surgically removed. It's really screwing up a lot of our kids along with all of the adults promoting this stuff. It's a travesty. With furries and requests for furry suits/going to furrycon, etc - we just kind of ignored these repeated requests or were always busy when something was in town. Eventually she became embarrassed that she liked them so much. She still likes the creativity and animal aspect of furries but sees that this fandom is heavily "transed" and has been compromised by this belief system and that a lot of people who are into this really have no other motivation in life. You really do have to work hard to get your children interested in and out into the "real world". Do whatever it takes to get them out into it. 

Trust yourself. Allow grace. Be stoic.