You have done invaluable service to other families by putting all this down in writing. How I wish we had known more, and had better instincts, when our daughter first announced her trans identity around 2016. There was so little information available, and parents were not organized yet. Now our daughter is 21 and on testosterone. She is unrecognizable to me, just as rude and abusive to us as she was as a teenager, and shows no signs of ever turning back.
Our daughters are the same ago and fell into this at the same time, 2016, so I really relate to that sense that we were the only people in the world looking at this and seeing something was drastically wrong. Nothing added up, but all the so-called professionals were so confident in their ‘affirmative’ training. We managed to dodge and weave well enough to avoid estrangement, but our daughter refuses to release the delusion. I think I need to write more about this. Sharon, I would love to explore this further with you if you’re interested. If so, please email me at jen.poyerack@gmail.com
Thank you. This is helpful. The internet and phone have been huge battlegrounds and my son engages in role playing etc . He has circumvented my WiFi controls and limits
Great advice. Very helpful that now there is way more support & resources available. When we had our crisis I kept trying to join support groups after days of searching, never getting one response. Tried finding non-confirming care and was deceived. My story is long, but instinctively your way was the way I attempted. However, you really do need that support, and I’m thankful there is more info available now. More information is accessible as well. I’m still glad to have found these groups even after she moved across country, did whatever she’s done. But oh how I would have loved the support 12 years ago. If you are a parent just stepping into this listen and learn. Take advantage of what is available! I don’t give up but it’s much harder in this side of age 18.
Excellent assessment of the best way to manage this. Unfortunately we have found it hard to find counseling and support that doesn’t try to fast track to medicalization. In the blue states legislation has been passed to prevent parents from getting the care they want for their kids. It is unbelievable that healthcare professionals have been railroaded into providing ’gender affirming care’ and have legitimized this pseudo science for profit. 🤯
On reflection, I wish we had skipped the therapy. In spite of careful vetting by us, the therapist ultimately affirmed our daughter and provided a letter of recommendation for hormones.
Yes I relive that initial decision daily. It all starts in 2012. She now lives on the west coast, we live in FL. The counselor convinced her and her partner they needed to be as far away from us as possible. Telling her we would soon forget about all this. Nope, not true. We have made huge efforts to maintain any connection possible. We’ve priced that childless counselor wrong and we & other parents have made sure she’ll never practice in FL again. She also had to go find a new career field. I think even if our child becomes of age, we have to make noise in our communities, and bring awareness. I really wanted to do more to bring awareness, but a health crisis put me in such limitation. Parents-take care not to let the stress of this overtake your health. You are very needed ❤️
Thank you for listing the art influencers, my daughter joined the alphabet club via communication from Deviant Art/CrowParade. Parents need to know the names of these influencers/predators. She also was into anime, furry fandom, and doing theater performance, so role play was a big part of it.
Love reading your success story! All families and kids are different (even given some of the similarities among our ROGD kids) and we're all navigating (or navigated) this ridiculous situation in our various ways. Our daughter desisted over a year ago. Like you, we put plenty of work into preparing her to desist. She didn't get into the trans cult on her own, and she wasn't coming out on her own. Would love to connect as a fellow parent of a desister. I should also mention our kid was young (11-13), which worked in our favor.
How I wish I'd had the resources available now back in 2014 when, as a widowed mom, I was struggling with my son's sexual identity; all I was offered was LGBTQ resources and a psychologist recommended by my church who explained that conversion therapy was against California law. I had no idea what to do except put parental controls on his computer, which he promptly reset.
Amazing essay and amazing role model of great parenting!! I recall as a kid, my parents would flip out at just about anything, and all it taught me was that they were not the people to discuss my innermost secrets and turmoil with. So instead I got my information and modeling (much of it horrible) on the schoolyard. It took me decades to undo many of the bad lessons I learned. Even today, I avoid virtually any potentially divide topic with my parents, which means we hardly ever speak, and when we do it’s fluffy and unfulfilling. Fortunately, with my kids, I try to be a good listener and try to understand their perspective before commenting. This seems to work much better, and I find that I can often nudge them to my way of thinking simply by helping them to see future consequences of their behavior that they don’t yet have the experience or foresight to envision.
This essay makes me cry. My daughter had a very similar path to trans (don't they all?) and almost from the beginning, my instincts were to do exactly the things you described. I didn't do any of them.
We were afraid - of suicide, of her running away, etc. as she was already a defiant kid. We also had our older son at home at the time who did not cope well with any of this, so we had to manage those considerations. We discussed even more extreme steps like moving schools or moving her out of the country, but that would have meant moving our son or separating the family. What terrible choices parents are being forced to make. If I could do it all again - my daughter is now 19, still trans and still on the cusp of medicalizing - I still wouldn't have moved our family, but I certainly would have trusted my instincts and set firmer limits from the get go.
I applaud you for all of your efforts. And honestly, I am envious. I do wonder if there are other children in this family. All of these steps are much easier when there is only one child. I don't love the title of this essay because it suggests that THIS is THE approach that works. But it's not always feasible, and there are a lot of factors that have to be taken into account.
I’m in a similar situation. My daughter was 14 and a freshman in high school when she went off the rails. I wanted to take drastic action. My husband saw it as typical teenage experimentation and rebellion and thought that fighting her would backfire. Five years later she’s still trans-identified, a young adult and college student now. He still thinks she’s going to desist any day, but admits if he’d known it was going to last this long he might have agreed to take action. Thankfully she hasn’t shown any sign of medicalizing, but I always worry she will do it suddenly, behind our backs. It’s really, really difficult to know what to do. Especially since some kids DO run away - it’s not just an overblown fear. And some kids will do the opposite of what you say just to rebel so you have to be careful you don’t push them even further into it.
Emily Ann, don't beat yourself up. There is no guarantee that it would have worked the same way for your daughter. And really, at 19 and not yet medicating, it may not be too late to influence her. There must be a reason she didn't start testosterone the day she turned 18. You have no legal influence on her, but most young adults care about their parents opinions (and listen more than they care to admit). Of course, you would need a different approach than parents of a young teen.
When you say most young adults care about their parents opinions that is what has been the most difficult thing for us to deal with. Our kids have made it quite clear that this is THE one thing they consider us wrong about. So we are shut down. Then they physically move away & the communication becomes less frequent because it’s awkward & we are conflict avoidant because we don’t want to risk losing another kid (eldest trans identified has no contact). They think his actions are justified. I wish I had been bolder with sharing videos & podcasts with my other kids, but they were finishing college, trying to get their own lives in shape, I didn’t want to burden them
Congrats to the author & fully support the steps & hope many will take the advice given.
And Emily Ann, you are trusting your instincts, your daughter hasn’t medicalized & surely she will see for herself the insanity of the movement for herself through her own observations. The Olympic boxing for example. That’s what I am hoping
All these tips are much easier when the kids are young teens. When they start down this path at 17/18 or after going away to college, it is a minefield to navigate because they have already learned the art of deception, they have mastered manipulation techniques, and they have become quite adept at their delivery of their narrative.
That’s what I’m going through now. My soon to be 21 year old daughter is now using testosterone and I’m absolutely powerless to do anything. She won’t even consider talking to me or hearing me out on the side effects. I’m heartbroken.
Good for you! You took the bull by the horn and showed your strength and courage. Many good points in your essay, the non-reacting is huge. When my teenage daughter (she is now 33 and a mother) would pout, shout, cry, yell, and slam doors to get her way, I did my best not to give in. I held my ground until I couldn't. The "I hate you" words came too often and I could not hide my hurt, so she used other mean words, and soon I was giving in to some of her selfish demands like wanting a new phone because she broke her screen or it fell in the toilet or wanting me to buy her expensive make-up, or new clothes at expensive stores. The list goes on. I was a single mother, and she was very manipulative. She wore me down. So, I can understand how some parents today who are facing this transgender nightmare can be worn down and give in to keep the peace. It is not easy raising children, and teenagers are a challenge as they try to find their footing in this great big world, but adding a trans-ideology to the mix must be so difficult. I know how my own sister and her husband struggled with their son, but she stood firm and refused to affirm him, or use his new name, or accept his announcement. I look forward to your part 2 and I hope your story has a good and healthy ending. We all need to hear hope as we are in this together.
They, and the schools, the current administration, the IOC, the folks with castration fetishes at WPATH, and the hospital admins who have nothing but $$$ in mind. This is rolling back in countries with socialized medicine in Europe. Why? There's a lot less of a profit motive. In the US and Canada, trans is big money (I recall for the USA a news article saying $5 Billion annual in a year or two.) We all know there was no massive amount of trans suicides 20 years ago, or even 5 years ago, or even after the UK stopped blocking puberty.
Who is this person you connected with on therapyfirst? What criteria did you search for?
Try reaching out to this person. I've known several people who have used her. https://www.therapyfirst.org/therapists/patricia-constantinian-psy-d/
You have done invaluable service to other families by putting all this down in writing. How I wish we had known more, and had better instincts, when our daughter first announced her trans identity around 2016. There was so little information available, and parents were not organized yet. Now our daughter is 21 and on testosterone. She is unrecognizable to me, just as rude and abusive to us as she was as a teenager, and shows no signs of ever turning back.
Our daughters are the same ago and fell into this at the same time, 2016, so I really relate to that sense that we were the only people in the world looking at this and seeing something was drastically wrong. Nothing added up, but all the so-called professionals were so confident in their ‘affirmative’ training. We managed to dodge and weave well enough to avoid estrangement, but our daughter refuses to release the delusion. I think I need to write more about this. Sharon, I would love to explore this further with you if you’re interested. If so, please email me at jen.poyerack@gmail.com
Same *age*, not ago!
Thank you. This is helpful. The internet and phone have been huge battlegrounds and my son engages in role playing etc . He has circumvented my WiFi controls and limits
Great advice. Very helpful that now there is way more support & resources available. When we had our crisis I kept trying to join support groups after days of searching, never getting one response. Tried finding non-confirming care and was deceived. My story is long, but instinctively your way was the way I attempted. However, you really do need that support, and I’m thankful there is more info available now. More information is accessible as well. I’m still glad to have found these groups even after she moved across country, did whatever she’s done. But oh how I would have loved the support 12 years ago. If you are a parent just stepping into this listen and learn. Take advantage of what is available! I don’t give up but it’s much harder in this side of age 18.
Excellent assessment of the best way to manage this. Unfortunately we have found it hard to find counseling and support that doesn’t try to fast track to medicalization. In the blue states legislation has been passed to prevent parents from getting the care they want for their kids. It is unbelievable that healthcare professionals have been railroaded into providing ’gender affirming care’ and have legitimized this pseudo science for profit. 🤯
On reflection, I wish we had skipped the therapy. In spite of careful vetting by us, the therapist ultimately affirmed our daughter and provided a letter of recommendation for hormones.
Yes I relive that initial decision daily. It all starts in 2012. She now lives on the west coast, we live in FL. The counselor convinced her and her partner they needed to be as far away from us as possible. Telling her we would soon forget about all this. Nope, not true. We have made huge efforts to maintain any connection possible. We’ve priced that childless counselor wrong and we & other parents have made sure she’ll never practice in FL again. She also had to go find a new career field. I think even if our child becomes of age, we have to make noise in our communities, and bring awareness. I really wanted to do more to bring awareness, but a health crisis put me in such limitation. Parents-take care not to let the stress of this overtake your health. You are very needed ❤️
Thank you for listing the art influencers, my daughter joined the alphabet club via communication from Deviant Art/CrowParade. Parents need to know the names of these influencers/predators. She also was into anime, furry fandom, and doing theater performance, so role play was a big part of it.
Manga seems to be a recurring theme as well 🤔
Yes. My daughter was really into anything Japanese for entertainment, she even took a Japanese language course at the City College.
Bravo❣️
Love reading your success story! All families and kids are different (even given some of the similarities among our ROGD kids) and we're all navigating (or navigated) this ridiculous situation in our various ways. Our daughter desisted over a year ago. Like you, we put plenty of work into preparing her to desist. She didn't get into the trans cult on her own, and she wasn't coming out on her own. Would love to connect as a fellow parent of a desister. I should also mention our kid was young (11-13), which worked in our favor.
Well done! Thank you for sharing.
WOW!!! This is WONDERFUL.
How I wish I'd had the resources available now back in 2014 when, as a widowed mom, I was struggling with my son's sexual identity; all I was offered was LGBTQ resources and a psychologist recommended by my church who explained that conversion therapy was against California law. I had no idea what to do except put parental controls on his computer, which he promptly reset.
Amazing essay and amazing role model of great parenting!! I recall as a kid, my parents would flip out at just about anything, and all it taught me was that they were not the people to discuss my innermost secrets and turmoil with. So instead I got my information and modeling (much of it horrible) on the schoolyard. It took me decades to undo many of the bad lessons I learned. Even today, I avoid virtually any potentially divide topic with my parents, which means we hardly ever speak, and when we do it’s fluffy and unfulfilling. Fortunately, with my kids, I try to be a good listener and try to understand their perspective before commenting. This seems to work much better, and I find that I can often nudge them to my way of thinking simply by helping them to see future consequences of their behavior that they don’t yet have the experience or foresight to envision.
You are inspiring!
This essay makes me cry. My daughter had a very similar path to trans (don't they all?) and almost from the beginning, my instincts were to do exactly the things you described. I didn't do any of them.
We were afraid - of suicide, of her running away, etc. as she was already a defiant kid. We also had our older son at home at the time who did not cope well with any of this, so we had to manage those considerations. We discussed even more extreme steps like moving schools or moving her out of the country, but that would have meant moving our son or separating the family. What terrible choices parents are being forced to make. If I could do it all again - my daughter is now 19, still trans and still on the cusp of medicalizing - I still wouldn't have moved our family, but I certainly would have trusted my instincts and set firmer limits from the get go.
I applaud you for all of your efforts. And honestly, I am envious. I do wonder if there are other children in this family. All of these steps are much easier when there is only one child. I don't love the title of this essay because it suggests that THIS is THE approach that works. But it's not always feasible, and there are a lot of factors that have to be taken into account.
I’m in a similar situation. My daughter was 14 and a freshman in high school when she went off the rails. I wanted to take drastic action. My husband saw it as typical teenage experimentation and rebellion and thought that fighting her would backfire. Five years later she’s still trans-identified, a young adult and college student now. He still thinks she’s going to desist any day, but admits if he’d known it was going to last this long he might have agreed to take action. Thankfully she hasn’t shown any sign of medicalizing, but I always worry she will do it suddenly, behind our backs. It’s really, really difficult to know what to do. Especially since some kids DO run away - it’s not just an overblown fear. And some kids will do the opposite of what you say just to rebel so you have to be careful you don’t push them even further into it.
Emily Ann, don't beat yourself up. There is no guarantee that it would have worked the same way for your daughter. And really, at 19 and not yet medicating, it may not be too late to influence her. There must be a reason she didn't start testosterone the day she turned 18. You have no legal influence on her, but most young adults care about their parents opinions (and listen more than they care to admit). Of course, you would need a different approach than parents of a young teen.
When you say most young adults care about their parents opinions that is what has been the most difficult thing for us to deal with. Our kids have made it quite clear that this is THE one thing they consider us wrong about. So we are shut down. Then they physically move away & the communication becomes less frequent because it’s awkward & we are conflict avoidant because we don’t want to risk losing another kid (eldest trans identified has no contact). They think his actions are justified. I wish I had been bolder with sharing videos & podcasts with my other kids, but they were finishing college, trying to get their own lives in shape, I didn’t want to burden them
Congrats to the author & fully support the steps & hope many will take the advice given.
And Emily Ann, you are trusting your instincts, your daughter hasn’t medicalized & surely she will see for herself the insanity of the movement for herself through her own observations. The Olympic boxing for example. That’s what I am hoping
Good luck to you! I hope your eldest wakes up and all of your kids realize that you are right on this . Don't lose hope!
All these tips are much easier when the kids are young teens. When they start down this path at 17/18 or after going away to college, it is a minefield to navigate because they have already learned the art of deception, they have mastered manipulation techniques, and they have become quite adept at their delivery of their narrative.
That’s what I’m going through now. My soon to be 21 year old daughter is now using testosterone and I’m absolutely powerless to do anything. She won’t even consider talking to me or hearing me out on the side effects. I’m heartbroken.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Erica.
Thank you. I’m so grateful that I found this network of parents who share in my experience. The feeling of isolation was overwhelming.
And they will find a way to get to their online groomer community, no matter what you do
Brilliant
Good for you! You took the bull by the horn and showed your strength and courage. Many good points in your essay, the non-reacting is huge. When my teenage daughter (she is now 33 and a mother) would pout, shout, cry, yell, and slam doors to get her way, I did my best not to give in. I held my ground until I couldn't. The "I hate you" words came too often and I could not hide my hurt, so she used other mean words, and soon I was giving in to some of her selfish demands like wanting a new phone because she broke her screen or it fell in the toilet or wanting me to buy her expensive make-up, or new clothes at expensive stores. The list goes on. I was a single mother, and she was very manipulative. She wore me down. So, I can understand how some parents today who are facing this transgender nightmare can be worn down and give in to keep the peace. It is not easy raising children, and teenagers are a challenge as they try to find their footing in this great big world, but adding a trans-ideology to the mix must be so difficult. I know how my own sister and her husband struggled with their son, but she stood firm and refused to affirm him, or use his new name, or accept his announcement. I look forward to your part 2 and I hope your story has a good and healthy ending. We all need to hear hope as we are in this together.
Well said. They wear you down.
They, and the schools, the current administration, the IOC, the folks with castration fetishes at WPATH, and the hospital admins who have nothing but $$$ in mind. This is rolling back in countries with socialized medicine in Europe. Why? There's a lot less of a profit motive. In the US and Canada, trans is big money (I recall for the USA a news article saying $5 Billion annual in a year or two.) We all know there was no massive amount of trans suicides 20 years ago, or even 5 years ago, or even after the UK stopped blocking puberty.