This essay makes me cry. My daughter had a very similar path to trans (don't they all?) and almost from the beginning, my instincts were to do exactly the things you described. I didn't do any of them.
We were afraid - of suicide, of her running away, etc. as she was already a defiant kid. We also had our older son at home at the time who…
This essay makes me cry. My daughter had a very similar path to trans (don't they all?) and almost from the beginning, my instincts were to do exactly the things you described. I didn't do any of them.
We were afraid - of suicide, of her running away, etc. as she was already a defiant kid. We also had our older son at home at the time who did not cope well with any of this, so we had to manage those considerations. We discussed even more extreme steps like moving schools or moving her out of the country, but that would have meant moving our son or separating the family. What terrible choices parents are being forced to make. If I could do it all again - my daughter is now 19, still trans and still on the cusp of medicalizing - I still wouldn't have moved our family, but I certainly would have trusted my instincts and set firmer limits from the get go.
I applaud you for all of your efforts. And honestly, I am envious. I do wonder if there are other children in this family. All of these steps are much easier when there is only one child. I don't love the title of this essay because it suggests that THIS is THE approach that works. But it's not always feasible, and there are a lot of factors that have to be taken into account.
I’m in a similar situation. My daughter was 14 and a freshman in high school when she went off the rails. I wanted to take drastic action. My husband saw it as typical teenage experimentation and rebellion and thought that fighting her would backfire. Five years later she’s still trans-identified, a young adult and college student now. He still thinks she’s going to desist any day, but admits if he’d known it was going to last this long he might have agreed to take action. Thankfully she hasn’t shown any sign of medicalizing, but I always worry she will do it suddenly, behind our backs. It’s really, really difficult to know what to do. Especially since some kids DO run away - it’s not just an overblown fear. And some kids will do the opposite of what you say just to rebel so you have to be careful you don’t push them even further into it.
Emily Ann, don't beat yourself up. There is no guarantee that it would have worked the same way for your daughter. And really, at 19 and not yet medicating, it may not be too late to influence her. There must be a reason she didn't start testosterone the day she turned 18. You have no legal influence on her, but most young adults care about their parents opinions (and listen more than they care to admit). Of course, you would need a different approach than parents of a young teen.
When you say most young adults care about their parents opinions that is what has been the most difficult thing for us to deal with. Our kids have made it quite clear that this is THE one thing they consider us wrong about. So we are shut down. Then they physically move away & the communication becomes less frequent because it’s awkward & we are conflict avoidant because we don’t want to risk losing another kid (eldest trans identified has no contact). They think his actions are justified. I wish I had been bolder with sharing videos & podcasts with my other kids, but they were finishing college, trying to get their own lives in shape, I didn’t want to burden them
Congrats to the author & fully support the steps & hope many will take the advice given.
And Emily Ann, you are trusting your instincts, your daughter hasn’t medicalized & surely she will see for herself the insanity of the movement for herself through her own observations. The Olympic boxing for example. That’s what I am hoping
This essay makes me cry. My daughter had a very similar path to trans (don't they all?) and almost from the beginning, my instincts were to do exactly the things you described. I didn't do any of them.
We were afraid - of suicide, of her running away, etc. as she was already a defiant kid. We also had our older son at home at the time who did not cope well with any of this, so we had to manage those considerations. We discussed even more extreme steps like moving schools or moving her out of the country, but that would have meant moving our son or separating the family. What terrible choices parents are being forced to make. If I could do it all again - my daughter is now 19, still trans and still on the cusp of medicalizing - I still wouldn't have moved our family, but I certainly would have trusted my instincts and set firmer limits from the get go.
I applaud you for all of your efforts. And honestly, I am envious. I do wonder if there are other children in this family. All of these steps are much easier when there is only one child. I don't love the title of this essay because it suggests that THIS is THE approach that works. But it's not always feasible, and there are a lot of factors that have to be taken into account.
I’m in a similar situation. My daughter was 14 and a freshman in high school when she went off the rails. I wanted to take drastic action. My husband saw it as typical teenage experimentation and rebellion and thought that fighting her would backfire. Five years later she’s still trans-identified, a young adult and college student now. He still thinks she’s going to desist any day, but admits if he’d known it was going to last this long he might have agreed to take action. Thankfully she hasn’t shown any sign of medicalizing, but I always worry she will do it suddenly, behind our backs. It’s really, really difficult to know what to do. Especially since some kids DO run away - it’s not just an overblown fear. And some kids will do the opposite of what you say just to rebel so you have to be careful you don’t push them even further into it.
Emily Ann, don't beat yourself up. There is no guarantee that it would have worked the same way for your daughter. And really, at 19 and not yet medicating, it may not be too late to influence her. There must be a reason she didn't start testosterone the day she turned 18. You have no legal influence on her, but most young adults care about their parents opinions (and listen more than they care to admit). Of course, you would need a different approach than parents of a young teen.
When you say most young adults care about their parents opinions that is what has been the most difficult thing for us to deal with. Our kids have made it quite clear that this is THE one thing they consider us wrong about. So we are shut down. Then they physically move away & the communication becomes less frequent because it’s awkward & we are conflict avoidant because we don’t want to risk losing another kid (eldest trans identified has no contact). They think his actions are justified. I wish I had been bolder with sharing videos & podcasts with my other kids, but they were finishing college, trying to get their own lives in shape, I didn’t want to burden them
Congrats to the author & fully support the steps & hope many will take the advice given.
And Emily Ann, you are trusting your instincts, your daughter hasn’t medicalized & surely she will see for herself the insanity of the movement for herself through her own observations. The Olympic boxing for example. That’s what I am hoping
Good luck to you! I hope your eldest wakes up and all of your kids realize that you are right on this . Don't lose hope!