Divorce, Death name (I prefer murdered name) and the f*ing internet.
Our parenting was divided and so my daughter chose to live with her affirming father. I did not handle this well. Made every mistake. After 14 months and much work with an amazing therapist, my daughter and I have finally reconnected. While I worked with the therapist for many months, my daughter saw her once and quit. Also, through this therapist her father agreed to NOT take her to get hormones. Our daughter is 18 years old. She can get them herself if she wants. But I know she has some doubts about transisitioning, even as she claims she will not get a job or travel or go to college until she has a beard so people will refer to her as a man.
I call her honey, darling, my youngest, my child, sweetheart but not what I can’t see. My daughter was a caring little girl that helped every creature and had sympathy and respect for every person. She was funny and her eyes twinkled. We read each other’s minds and finished each other’s sentences. We were bathed in sweetness, breathing the same air.
I made so many mistakes as a divorced parent and I know this affected her. I’m deeply ashamed and will never forgive myself.
But as we all know, if we could go back in time, we would eliminate the internet’s evil poison that filled them up so full that there was no room for our love or attention. They slowly turned away from us, the darkness leads them away right in front of us. Right in our homes. Slowly pushing away from our hugs. We were so lost. It must be a phase. OMG, if I could only go back!!!
Now, I cautiously visit and bring her favorite foods. She let me ride my bike next to her as she skateboarded with her little dog on the front. No talk about hormones.
All I want right now is to find my little girl again. I know she is in there. I know she wants someone to love her. The barrier is still thick with insanity. She is far from stable. I’m cautiously hopeful. I pray all the f*ing time. That’s new.
I pray for us all. When can you call it safe? I’ve seen friends experience the ultimate pain after they thought it was over. That’s so not fair.
We will survive. Just not what we thought.
You will survive and you will be there for her. You are lucky that she still is not into the drugs or surgical transition, it is all in her mind, you are lucky. Maybe you can show her people who is detransitioning and speaking up about all the lies they were filled with when they had doubts, the most of them had confessed that they would never get the hard path if at least one person would told them to wait or that extremes actions would not stop the depression they had or their self-hated or their confusion. She wants to transition and have a beard but beards are a hard to maintained and men complained all the time, they usually shaved them. Explain to her that if biology doesn't defines gender why bother into get the other gender characteristics. Personally I think that boy to girl transitions are worst because there are a lot more to transform when you want to be a woman, we, women are more complex and became one is imposible. A woman who wants to be a man is a more common feeling that many can related to, men have it easier, don't they? But not, men are suffering deeper in this world too among all this confusion. We are all confused, evil is good and good is evil, and tolerance is good, but we tolerate when something is wrong or bad, that is the definition of tolerance, because we do not have to tolerate noble things, or beautiful things or good things, we don't need to. When there is love we do not tolerate, we tolerate because there is not love in our hearts but indifference or complacence or cowardly, not out of kindness. Love is truth. Parents used not to tolerate the use of drugs or alcohol or promiscuity because they were intrinsic bad for their children. They loved them and knew what a dangerous behavior meant and the consequences of it. Parents used to guide their children when they came with crazy ideas, to safe harbors. What did happen? We called it gender dysphoria and it was a mental affliction who needed treatment not affirmation. What did go wrong?
Keep up the faith and keep praying. I will be praying for you and your daughter too. I agree about the stupid, f*ing internet.