I know you’re in there
Divorce, Death name (I prefer murdered name) and the f*ing internet.
Our parenting was divided and so my daughter chose to live with her affirming father. I did not handle this well. Made every mistake. After 14 months and much work with an amazing therapist, my daughter and I have finally reconnected. While I worked with the therapist for many months, my daughter saw her once and quit. Also, through this therapist her father agreed to NOT take her to get hormones. Our daughter is 18 years old. She can get them herself if she wants. But I know she has some doubts about transisitioning, even as she claims she will not get a job or travel or go to college until she has a beard so people will refer to her as a man.
I call her honey, darling, my youngest, my child, sweetheart but not what I can’t see. My daughter was a caring little girl that helped every creature and had sympathy and respect for every person. She was funny and her eyes twinkled. We read each other’s minds and finished each other’s sentences. We were bathed in sweetness, breathing the same air.
I made so many mistakes as a divorced parent and I know this affected her. I’m deeply ashamed and will never forgive myself.
But as we all know, if we could go back in time, we would eliminate the internet’s evil poison that filled them up so full that there was no room for our love or attention. They slowly turned away from us, the darkness leads them away right in front of us. Right in our homes. Slowly pushing away from our hugs. We were so lost. It must be a phase. OMG, if I could only go back!!!
Now, I cautiously visit and bring her favorite foods. She let me ride my bike next to her as she skateboarded with her little dog on the front. No talk about hormones.
All I want right now is to find my little girl again. I know she is in there. I know she wants someone to love her. The barrier is still thick with insanity. She is far from stable. I’m cautiously hopeful. I pray all the f*ing time. That’s new.
I pray for us all. When can you call it safe? I’ve seen friends experience the ultimate pain after they thought it was over. That’s so not fair.
We will survive. Just not what we thought.
To encourage you. Speaking in next few days with a 30 year-old woman. In high school, she wanted to transition. Her parents drew the line at hormones and surgery. She is forever grateful that they did because she is now mother to 2 wonderful kids. The Common Bridge (please subscribe) will again have investigative reporter Gerald Posner on to talk about WPATH, Cass Review and recent California law robbing parents of their rights.
So many (too many) of us in the same boat. My son, 18, also sucked in. Not divorced. But his identity announcement came after a marital separation. Funny thing, one of the reason I took my husband back and agreed to work on our marriage is that I saw the distress it was causing our son. Nine months later, my husband and I were finally in a good spot, our son announced his identity. Now, over two years later, we are still dealing with it. This IS an epidemic. I don’t understand how rational minds can’t see that.