If Only You Knew…
If only you knew…
The story that I can’t tell you
The secrets I hide from the world
The pain I feel when you ask about him
The horror I relive in my mind every moment that I think of him
The nightmare from which I can’t wake up
The hours I spend at night waiting in the silence of the darkness to hear his voice
The ruins of hopes and dreams amongst which I live
The dual life I live as a member of a counter cultural underground movement
If you only knew…
And if only you knew… If I dare to tell you my story and my deepest secrets, how would you react?
Would you…
Feel my pain and sit with me while I tell you the tragedy that struck our home?
Understand why I feel the grief and horror that I feel?
Feel sad for my son and for us?
Pray for him and our family?
Be horrified that kids and young men and women like mine are being groomed, lured and hijacked into a cult-like belief system?
Get angry at the medical crimes being committed against kids like mine and want to do something about it?
Or
Would you…
Brush off my sorrow and tell me to accept my son’s destructive delusion?
Tell me that when people tell us who they are, we have to believe them (it happened)?
Reply to me “well that is YOUR perspective on the issue” (happened too)?
Pull out your social justice warrior card and talk about the poor marginalized gender minorities (same)?
Not knowing how you would react, makes me remain silent about this piece of my flesh and my blood, torn away from me, which I keep hidden from the world.
If only you knew him as the gifted, quirky, funny kid who everyone expected to have a brilliant career and you asked for an update, I would paste a smile on my face and say “He is independent (estranged) and works full time (transitioning ruined his brilliant college and career plans. He dropped out of college and works a menial job)”.
For those close enough who ask more probing questions as to his disappearance from our lives, I tell them that he struggles with mental illness, that we are very sad and concerned about him, that we hope that maturity will kick in and he will come out of this very difficult stage.
And when I have played my role and recited my well-rehearsed lines about my son, I will try to change the topic or leave as quickly as I can so that I can breathe, and you won’t see the pain that crosses my face or the occasional tears that fall. And I will say under my breath “If only you knew…”.
Mine still talks to me. He got through college and has a job, but oh it's like walking on eggshells to be around him. I CANNOT acknowledge a lie. He was the boy who tried out his brother's crazy inventions if we didn't grab him. Who loved purple and orange, and yes, flashy jewelry and unicorns.
The one who was actually into football and baseball, scouting and martial arts in the way my other boys weren't while always being empathetic, and caring and kind. The person I see now is narcissistic and selfish, he thinks decorating his apartment in pink and buying hello kitty somehow makes him female. He has not just "feminized" but infantilized.
I know ... you described my situation my son ... so gifted but throwing everything away because he can’t deal with the fact that he was created as a handsome 6 foot tall man with size 12 shoes but thinks he is a woman! Sometimes I think I must have done something wrong and he’s trying to punish me... I don’t know I’ve wracked my brain until it hurts. I did divorce which I regret when he was 11 maybe that was it or I didn’t pay enough attention to him because my daughter had a chronic illness and I paid more attention to her? I keep thinking I was a bad mother even though others say I wasn’t. I understand you wanting to be silent and I understand i you put pain but keeping silent keeps this nonsense going. I understand you our tears I shed some when o read your story because it sounded so much like mine. My son cut me off totally about 3 months ago ... he works a decent job and was with a woman who was a gender studies graduate ... she kicked him out of his apartment and I have no idea where he is living now... he said he was moving to a place with other like minded persons in Oakland. My daughter won’t share his info and she enables his delirium but I don’t force her she has her own problems. I just pray for him everyday sometimes several times a day. I don’t know what else to do. I know my son has self esteem problems but I didn’t see it when he was younger he was all boy! I’m sad and bewildered like you and I wanted to stay silent but I’ve been to Catholic bible study and a lady shared with me about her granddaughter and she was distraught and not knowing what to do. I don’t give in to my son I never called him by his “new name “ he says I don’t love him because I won’t go along with his delusional thinking. I won’t because it’s against God and it will be him I will have to answer to in the end. God be with us in these terrible situations.