In The Path of a Hurricane
My daughter is a senior in high school. Under the normal circumstances we would be enthusiastically discussing colleges and careers, planning post-graduation trips, and checking out cute prom dresses. However, the circumstances are far from normal. We are a house in the path of Hurricane T. The thing about hurricanes is that they are unpredictable. It may turn before reaching our house or it may hit it full force and level it to the ground. Or maybe it will cause some damage but not destroy it.
I watch my daughter for the smallest signs of desistance or escalation, like the colors on the hurricane map: Is it red—moving closer my way? Is she wearing her binder again? Is it green? Is she wearing something feminine?
Like mindlessly wiping the dust as you walk through the house, I continue with our daily routine—school, work, chores, driving lessons. However, one does not pick new tiles for the bathroom or start major renovation while waiting to see if a hurricane will hit. Every breeze seems like the first gust—I am always on high alert and can't plan anything.
I have no idea what the next few months will bring. She got accepted in a few colleges and I feel no joy. What difference will it make if she takes the path of self-destruction?
I think about the gap year she should take but how do we plan anything concrete together when I don't know what's in her mind? Is she planning to leave home and start transitioning the day she graduates?
I am not painting the fence, not remodeling the bathrooms. All I do is wait. I wait, frozen in panic, I wait trying desperately to stay close to her. Maybe it will stop or delay the hurricane while I surround my house with sandbags of love. I pray, I obsess, and I wait wait wait... If the hurricane turns and passes our house, we will paint it pretty cheerful colors and plan everything we can't plan now. We will have so much fun! If the hurricane hits... Well, I guess I will have to assess the damage and see what can be rebuilt.
I hope and pray that the hurricane turns before reaching our house but if it hits, I hope it will lift up our mighty little house and land right on the transgender cult witch and crush her. And then my girl will find her way back home.
I could have written this two stormy years ago. My daughter is now a sophomore in college. Our relationship is not great but it’s better. She is still referred to as “he” by friends but has stopped testosterone. I see her slowly improving as time passes and she matures a little. I offer this just to provide a little hope to those in the midst of the storm. I didn’t think it was possible even a year ago but she is the daughter I raised deep down inside the mess and I think she is slowly returning.
Me too. My daughter isn’t herself right now because she is so deep into this narrative. She did take a gap year, but has no interest in any of her previous interests, she did not go to graduation, did not go to prom, never had senior pictures. I am pissed! This cult has literally stolen her from us and stolen our lives away. The constant state of being frozen is exhausting, just waiting for the tide to turn all the while deflecting her from more social transition than has already occurred and from medicalization. So for what it’s worth, I’m so glad to have found you all. Thank you!!