What kind of parent kicks their kid out of the house, for any reason? All this does is expose the inner workings of the mind of someone who is anti-trans. And don’t act like I’m generalizing all of you just based on one post, an overwhelming amount of the replies agree with you and think you were justified. You deserve to feel all of the shame you are feeling for abandoning your child. You are a terrible human being.
It is interesting to read the discussions here. It is sad too. We seem to drift apart. There are issues more important that shame or guilt. We must find a new way to unite our souls. How else will we create a living society where people can thrive. Trans is a pseudocult and there is much to say pro or contra. Personally, I feel like medicalizing identity is a borderline mistake. Tell your kids to be careful. Your body is the external side of your true being, but your feelings and ideas are also no more meaningful, without a proper context. We think that we think, but it is more likely that we are being thought. "Normal" is whatever survives and is happy. Trans-people obviously lie to them self, but society currently allows them so. That seems to justify the belief, just like you feel powerless against such a widescale fantasy. Parenting is an impossible task. Maybe you feel like doing the right thing, but there will always be some flaw, that others can condemn. What is the right we to treat people? Here we enter the whole political arena, abortion, self determination, freedom, laws, overreaching parents vs radical individuals. Obviously this is a collective problem. Whoever tries to make it seem like a simple black and white issue is probably already too deep in the ideological trance them self. Wake up, create unity, harmony, peace and love. Learn from eachother. Now.
Well I am a bad parent too then, shame on me...... I did the same thing and stood my ground. NO this is not ok and I will in no way help you do this. I cannot tell you how hard it was and I knew it could turn out for the good or bad. But he is right, it is his choice, and it is my choice not to help. Two years on his own, he called me. I told him when he pulled his head out of his aaasssssss he could call me, but until then, he was on his own. He was never abusive to me. So I guess I join the bad parent group....... and i am totally fine with that!
Your stated belief that a parent should NEVER kick their (ADULT) child out of the house FOR ANY REASON, tells us all we need to know about your towering, narcissistic sense of entitlement.
What about domestic abuse, thievery, sexual assault???
You seem unaware that parents have precisely zero legal responsibilities towards their kids from the day they turn 18 and have a right to be treated with basic common decency.
Trans activists are not welcome in this space - get lost.
And while you are at it, why don't you get off your computer and - maybe - get a life......
Sometimes breaking and letring go is the only way for self preservation. Be gentle on yourself my friend, you have had years of struggle only for it all to end in the worst case scenario imo from being a mum of a son who thinks he's a girl... I've had to let go too, it's too exhausting.
Thank you for that interesting information. The sensory difficulties with food are common with children on the spectrum. All mine were fussy in different ways, not just with food. My daughters both would not eat lunch at school. For some just eating in a dining room with other children is distressing. Maybe the noise is too much. You are fortunate that your daughter was able to tell you she did not trust doctors. She is wise. Mine went non verbal/selectively mute/shut down. Either they were unable to talk about their feelings or they decided taking about them was a waste of time as people would not listen. I believe we lived in a particularly difficult town in England with some very ignorant woke professionals with weird ideas. I am just thankful that my eldest was able to see the clinic was not helpful. She also had the sense to ignore her psychiatrist who would have prescribed respiridone. I remember feeling proud of my daughter seeing her with her back to the psychiatrist reading her book and refusing to accept a prescription for respiridone. My youngest when she later was seeing psychiatrists was the opposite in her thinking, trying to get as strong a dose of antidepressant as she could by threatening suicide. That led to wanting testosterone next. It was a slippery slope down, scary to watch.
It's difficult, to put it mildly, when you have a challenging kid. I had several children, and didn't have to deal with this as a single mother, but it was still so hard to have a troubled son. I know what it's like to have parents dislike you because of your child, and how people assume his problems are caused by bad parenting. It doesn't matter if your other children are high-achieving, model citizens, as mine were. The difficult child is the one who defines you. How much more difficult must it have been for you, as a single mother? My heart goes out to you.
I'm here now because my difficult child who matured into a young man of whom we were very proud, has also transitioned. And he has mostly cut us off, because although we love and accept him regardless, we do not believe he's a woman, and that's unacceptable, according to his new community. I hope and pray he wises up some day, but I think it will take years before that happens, if it does at all.
I know. The heartache is nearly unbearable. So many of us had kids with developmental and social challenges -- and the Covid lockdowns sucked them into the black hole of gender ideology and medical exploitation. May the Almighty expose this fraud for what it is and save our precious children.
Good for you.! Finally. I worry about how you still praise him, but I hope you will never let him back. The trans issue sounds like the least of what this entitled man has. You need to escape, for good and to finally have a good, happy life yourself.
I've overall avoided posting because my kid has guessed who I am. I'm not especially religious, but I will take a page from the prodigal son. That kid basically said "f you dad, you're dead to me, give me my inheritance"
Dad obligated the request.
After spending it on hookers and blow son gets a clue and comes home.
Dad rents an air b&b and hires a caterer and band.( to modernize killing the fatted calf)Other kids are pissed, but the point isn't that. The point is parents love their kids enough to forgive almost anything short of murdering them.
But is it truly loving them? Plus, this is teaching them to be selfish narcissists, making them more important than anyone else on earth, which is part of why things are as bad as they are.
And, in agreement I would add the problem still exists only to worsen as its never fixed or brought out into the open or ever acknowledged. Soon a pattern emerges as more and more self betrayals lead to burying and hiding and repressing what are the real problems. As time passes but of course new and hopefully lesser problems will emerge ( that's life) and they too are buried and repressed. Before you know it THAT person with all these problems has to go away and a new persona with a new identity and gender begins life all over again - more or less with a cleaner slate and a new beginning. Someone who has never learned healthy coping skills who only knows how to deny, project, minimize, and repress problems will live life on repeat ad nauseum until the problem is finally acknowledged. Life is like that - you just can't run away forever because problems and/or the fall out from the problem has a habit of resurfacing. Again and again and again.
Thank you for your post. You truly are amazing. If only families critical of you had one iota of who you are and what your experience has been.
I have a very similar 19yo son, albeit I was able to extricate mine from public school and that whole trajectory through Special Education. Mine ended up in 1 on 1 prep school at public expense. I also was spared most of the abhorrent behavior piece. But I felt the pain of the other moms dissing me too, I felt the pain of the lack of birthday party invitations...I know they secretly thought I was a bad mom.....I was spared the single mom thing.
My kid got inspired by the cult, watching his now 16 yo sister identify as a boy for several years (but she may have desisted, bcz she does not seem to be going down the road.) The medical establishment or rather the "Trans (sic) medical industrial complex does not wait for proper evaluations, (or any evaluations,) they don't scrutinize the recipients, instead they prescribe the puberty blockers or wrong sex hormones on the first visit; they include their prospects in groups of similarly situated which ensures their continued trajectory down a very painful path, that we are precluded from talking about or warning them about...
I appreciate the notion, to consider your work with your son as a job done very well and consider your self kinda "free." That is where our family is at currently....how do we do that artfully, in a way where it (read he) doesn't come back to bite us, and that doesn't cost us financially. Best of luck on your next phase!!
wow, that was a tough read. completely heartbreaking…I honestly can’t imagine.
let me be clear tho: you did the right thing.
growing up I had different circumstances but long story short, my father was a very emotionally manipulative person. one of the ways he did this was through financial support. he basically kept me and my brother in a state of prolonged adolescence by bailing us out of every failure in our adult lives, so that we both never had to face the consequences of our own actions. needless to say, we both became self destructive heroin addicts. by the Grace of God he went bankrupt by the time I was about 25-26 and all of a sudden I was forced to grow up and become a responsible man. it was incredibly painful and took the better part of 4 years but it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I shudder to think of the wretched human I would have become if the money and soft support hadn’t run out.
I hope I’m not sounding to self aggrandizing and I’m not trying to scare you, but sometimes letting a child have to grow up themselves and letting them go can be the greatest act of Love a parent can give. it’s not a magic bullet and no outcomes are certain except one: if you kept sheltering and supporting him non-stop, it would end very badly.
stay strong in the knowledge that you have done everything possible for your kid.
First, you have my deepest sympathy and highest respect
Second, you didn't " throw him out ".
His " life choice" caused you so much angst and torment that a point came when cohabitation was no longer an option, though none of your fault. He technically chose by default to exit mom's welcoming house when his" choice" unacceptably wounded his mother. In your son's defense, his autism makes him a perfect candidate for believing the dangerous lies of the trans cult. This being said, not everyone on the spectrum goes trans. Most are prompted by the trans ideology but many don't fall for it. And though I put the blame for all your pain squarely on the trans extremists and advocates, there is still a level of personal responsibility that cannot be dismissed. Your son is very correct when he calls his life decision a choice.
Third, I got exhausted just by reading all you have done to give your son a chance at a successful, happy and meaningful, and this, without any support system. You have not left one stone unturned to find creative ways to help him, regardless of the cost. You have paid your dues to motherhood above and beyond what was expected of you. With the powers that have never been conferred to me and a complete lack of authority, if only my life experience and my brokenness as a detransitioner, I declare you free of any false sense of shame, fault or obligation.
You have done it all. You are now officially done.
Your son s life is in his hands. And yes I understand, his choices suck after all you have done but it's on him. You did all you humanly could. If I may, I would slightly modify your title from " it finally broke me" to " it finally freed me". You have sacrificed every thing for your kid: your family, your friends, your career, your health, your sleep...You are now free. Enjoy every aspect of it. You deserve it. You can sleep well with the satisfaction that you raised your insanely difficult son well and you made it alive. You have in you to go forward. You are anything but broken. You are one solid, courageous, head strong mama who has kept her sanity and her sense of human dignity in the midst of utter craziness. You can be proud of yourself. I'm of you.
Thank you, Helene. My 19yo son moved out last week with a nudge from my husband and I (OK, we kind of bribed him). Our story is very, very similar to the OP's, except that instead of being a single parent I am married, but our son was so difficult that my husband effectively gave up a long time ago. So the burden was almost all on me, and I exerted much the same efforts as the OP. Son had much the same diagnoses, got kicked out of everything, tried years of types of therapies, many medical professionals gave up, special schools, daily school phone calls, parents wouldn't let their kids play with him, etc. And still with all this he could be charming and funny and enjoyable to be around. I love him with all my heart. But then, when things finally seemed to be improving, he told us he was trans, was starting hormones, and there wasn't anything we could do to stop him. We're the bad guys now for not agreeing that he's a girl. He says everything is our fault, but it simply can't be. When you're trying to figure out a kid this difficult you make a lot of mistakes, and he experienced trauma at school that we didn't know about, but I just can't see how our mistakes could have caused this. Thank you for affirming that.
He's (painfully) correct when he says there's nothing you can do to stop him. Nothing you have done or said would have brought a different outcome because ultimately, it's his choice. Parenting is a hit and miss experience, powered by love and sustained by forgiveness. If some people want to be parents and never make mistakes, i suggest they rescue a dog. If you're gonna parent a kid, you'll make mistakes. We live in a society that's feeding young (and less
young) people with an obnoxious and tyrannical victim mentality mantra ad nauseum.
It's never my fault, my choice or my responsibility. Someone else gotta get the blame. Your son is directly responsible for his choices and self inflicted misery. Of course he was influenced in
that direction (as I was) but neither of us had to swallow the bait, hook, line and sinker as we did.
It was OUR choice. Simple and square. Life is full of influences.
Choosing to ignore the caring and
affectionate advices of those
who have showered me with their
care and love since birth and
pledge allegiance to toxic and destructive novelty ideas that
don't stand the test of common
sense, biological reality and time is a choice. You have done an
amazing job and you are now an
empty nester ( at least empty of the problematic bird if you have other kids). Today is the first day of the rest of your life and now is the time to live to the fullest. Go to all the places and do all the things that you had wanted but couldn't because you were responsible loving parents taking care of a difficult child. Back then, he was your priority. Now he is an adult. And as much as you'll always love him and will be there to pick up the pieces when the lie he is leaving eventually comes crashing down, your priority has shifted. Now it's you and your couple. It's my great privilege to declare you free. And free to be happy. In spite of the deep hurt inflicted upon you. That s also a choice. One I hope you'll make:)
Thank you. :) Yes, in a sense it feels like I got my life back last Tuesday when he left. House is now clean (yay!) and my husband and I might do some travelling we couldn't do when we were raising our son. The drama hasn't ended, though -- in the last 7 days son has shown up at our house or called us 4 times with a "crisis" that needed our help Right That Minute. I'm hoping this calms down, but even if it doesn't, there is still some relief to the fact that he can't blame us for all the new stuff happening to him (it's now his boss's fault that he's struggling with his mental health -- victim mentality is alive and well!). We're contributing some financial support, still, mostly for our own sanity so he could leave. Still it bummed me out when he cussed me out on the phone yesterday because I told him I had guests and couldn't talk right then (about his non-emergency crisis). Thanks again for your encouragement. I'm sorry you got caught up in this madness for a time, but it sounds like you got out and gained a lot of wisdom in the process. I appreciate you sharing!
I’m literally crying reading your words, Helene. I’m a parent of a nearly-18-year old boy who will go on hormones the moment he moves out (he already did but got caught). It’s so hard knowing what to do as a parent. How you just “absolved” the author is honestly the most beautiful and helpful thing you could have done. I ache with regret and lie awake in the middle of most nights wondering what more I can do. The fact that you saw what this mom needed to hear and gave that to her is so humane, so “seeing.” It’s beautiful.
There's NOTHING my parents could have said, not say, done, not do, understand, change in their minds or in their ways that would have made a difference in the trajectory I was dead set on taking and saved me from the terrible mistake I was proudly and loudly determined to make.
The harshness of life and the constant trouble associated with living a lie served as a wake up call for me and brought me back to reality over many years.
Parents need to absolve themselves and quit practicing the mental torture of wondering where they were wrong and what they could have said or done differently. The answer is nowhere and nothing. Every parent makes mistakes. If those were responsible for the kids' gender orientation, then every kid would be trans.
Your son is pretty much an adult.
Your job is done. You did your very best. You bear no responsibility whatsoever in his choice. Keep loving him, even from far. Protect your heart from debilitating anger and excessive sorrow. It will oof you ( destroy you). Assure him that the door of your heart will always be open to him and your sane mind will always remain hermetic to the gender madness he fell for. Wishing you peace and hoping the best ( aka desistance) for him.
I hope your son doesn't end up living on the street. Was he employed? Is he on disability? Does he have the skills needed to function as an adult? I'm not blaming you for throwing him out. I get that you reached the limit of what you could put up with, and you're not legally obligated to give him a place to live, but I hope he has a safe place to go.
In some countries these people would be living on the street. In the UK when my daughter left home (falsely claiming I “”kicked her out” ), government agencies quickly stepped in to help her. She knew the system. Claiming she was “trans” enabled her to get the affirmation that I would not have given her. When she left the house she was vulnerable to be bullied and abused. Her choice, not mine. As a prodigal daughter, she wanted freedom to rebel against everything good. When I saw her again she was on the slippery slope of body mutilation leading to complete delusion.
I am so proud of you - kicking your son out of your home is exactly what you needed to do for YOU! Tough Love. Setting boundaries. Claiming your own space. Letting go. Finding Your Peace. It is not your fault that your son struggled, a lot of kids struggle. But him being rude, hateful, stubborn, lazy, disobedient etc. is unacceptable behavior and he chose these actions because he got attention. He sounds angry - perhaps because there is an absent father figure? Still, a lot of kids have a missing parent, and it does not give them the right to be awful to other people, it is not an excuse - ever. Your story is very sad. The fact that he chose to become a woman has nothing to do with you. He needs to live his life, suffer the consequences of his actions - and grow up. School of very hard knocks indeed. Please focus on yourself and let your healing process begin as raising your son on your own without support and financial help has probably drained you emotionally, mentally and physically. We are all supporting you here on this sub stack because we know how hard this trans ideology is on any family. Learn to love yourself again and focus on what brings you joy and seek it out. Let Go and Let God...Best wishes to you.
"He went to a woke doctor, got a referral to an endocrinologist, had his blood tests and got his hormones... There were no questions asked and no counselling offered."
What kind of parent kicks their kid out of the house, for any reason? All this does is expose the inner workings of the mind of someone who is anti-trans. And don’t act like I’m generalizing all of you just based on one post, an overwhelming amount of the replies agree with you and think you were justified. You deserve to feel all of the shame you are feeling for abandoning your child. You are a terrible human being.
It is interesting to read the discussions here. It is sad too. We seem to drift apart. There are issues more important that shame or guilt. We must find a new way to unite our souls. How else will we create a living society where people can thrive. Trans is a pseudocult and there is much to say pro or contra. Personally, I feel like medicalizing identity is a borderline mistake. Tell your kids to be careful. Your body is the external side of your true being, but your feelings and ideas are also no more meaningful, without a proper context. We think that we think, but it is more likely that we are being thought. "Normal" is whatever survives and is happy. Trans-people obviously lie to them self, but society currently allows them so. That seems to justify the belief, just like you feel powerless against such a widescale fantasy. Parenting is an impossible task. Maybe you feel like doing the right thing, but there will always be some flaw, that others can condemn. What is the right we to treat people? Here we enter the whole political arena, abortion, self determination, freedom, laws, overreaching parents vs radical individuals. Obviously this is a collective problem. Whoever tries to make it seem like a simple black and white issue is probably already too deep in the ideological trance them self. Wake up, create unity, harmony, peace and love. Learn from eachother. Now.
Well I am a bad parent too then, shame on me...... I did the same thing and stood my ground. NO this is not ok and I will in no way help you do this. I cannot tell you how hard it was and I knew it could turn out for the good or bad. But he is right, it is his choice, and it is my choice not to help. Two years on his own, he called me. I told him when he pulled his head out of his aaasssssss he could call me, but until then, he was on his own. He was never abusive to me. So I guess I join the bad parent group....... and i am totally fine with that!
What a thing to say to a parent whose child abused them! For shame!
Oh honestly.
Your stated belief that a parent should NEVER kick their (ADULT) child out of the house FOR ANY REASON, tells us all we need to know about your towering, narcissistic sense of entitlement.
What about domestic abuse, thievery, sexual assault???
You seem unaware that parents have precisely zero legal responsibilities towards their kids from the day they turn 18 and have a right to be treated with basic common decency.
Trans activists are not welcome in this space - get lost.
And while you are at it, why don't you get off your computer and - maybe - get a life......
Sometimes breaking and letring go is the only way for self preservation. Be gentle on yourself my friend, you have had years of struggle only for it all to end in the worst case scenario imo from being a mum of a son who thinks he's a girl... I've had to let go too, it's too exhausting.
Is there a part of this essay that was cut off?
Anyway that sucks, I'm sorry for all you've had to go through. Reminds me of that movie Babadook.
Thank you for that interesting information. The sensory difficulties with food are common with children on the spectrum. All mine were fussy in different ways, not just with food. My daughters both would not eat lunch at school. For some just eating in a dining room with other children is distressing. Maybe the noise is too much. You are fortunate that your daughter was able to tell you she did not trust doctors. She is wise. Mine went non verbal/selectively mute/shut down. Either they were unable to talk about their feelings or they decided taking about them was a waste of time as people would not listen. I believe we lived in a particularly difficult town in England with some very ignorant woke professionals with weird ideas. I am just thankful that my eldest was able to see the clinic was not helpful. She also had the sense to ignore her psychiatrist who would have prescribed respiridone. I remember feeling proud of my daughter seeing her with her back to the psychiatrist reading her book and refusing to accept a prescription for respiridone. My youngest when she later was seeing psychiatrists was the opposite in her thinking, trying to get as strong a dose of antidepressant as she could by threatening suicide. That led to wanting testosterone next. It was a slippery slope down, scary to watch.
I'm sorry for all the suffering you have endured.
You did what you had to do to.
It's difficult, to put it mildly, when you have a challenging kid. I had several children, and didn't have to deal with this as a single mother, but it was still so hard to have a troubled son. I know what it's like to have parents dislike you because of your child, and how people assume his problems are caused by bad parenting. It doesn't matter if your other children are high-achieving, model citizens, as mine were. The difficult child is the one who defines you. How much more difficult must it have been for you, as a single mother? My heart goes out to you.
I'm here now because my difficult child who matured into a young man of whom we were very proud, has also transitioned. And he has mostly cut us off, because although we love and accept him regardless, we do not believe he's a woman, and that's unacceptable, according to his new community. I hope and pray he wises up some day, but I think it will take years before that happens, if it does at all.
I’m truly sorry for you!
I know. The heartache is nearly unbearable. So many of us had kids with developmental and social challenges -- and the Covid lockdowns sucked them into the black hole of gender ideology and medical exploitation. May the Almighty expose this fraud for what it is and save our precious children.
Good for you.! Finally. I worry about how you still praise him, but I hope you will never let him back. The trans issue sounds like the least of what this entitled man has. You need to escape, for good and to finally have a good, happy life yourself.
I've overall avoided posting because my kid has guessed who I am. I'm not especially religious, but I will take a page from the prodigal son. That kid basically said "f you dad, you're dead to me, give me my inheritance"
Dad obligated the request.
After spending it on hookers and blow son gets a clue and comes home.
Dad rents an air b&b and hires a caterer and band.( to modernize killing the fatted calf)Other kids are pissed, but the point isn't that. The point is parents love their kids enough to forgive almost anything short of murdering them.
But is it truly loving them? Plus, this is teaching them to be selfish narcissists, making them more important than anyone else on earth, which is part of why things are as bad as they are.
So sad! All problems are now “ solved” by changing your sex, which is a complete impossibility
And, in agreement I would add the problem still exists only to worsen as its never fixed or brought out into the open or ever acknowledged. Soon a pattern emerges as more and more self betrayals lead to burying and hiding and repressing what are the real problems. As time passes but of course new and hopefully lesser problems will emerge ( that's life) and they too are buried and repressed. Before you know it THAT person with all these problems has to go away and a new persona with a new identity and gender begins life all over again - more or less with a cleaner slate and a new beginning. Someone who has never learned healthy coping skills who only knows how to deny, project, minimize, and repress problems will live life on repeat ad nauseum until the problem is finally acknowledged. Life is like that - you just can't run away forever because problems and/or the fall out from the problem has a habit of resurfacing. Again and again and again.
Thank you for your post. You truly are amazing. If only families critical of you had one iota of who you are and what your experience has been.
I have a very similar 19yo son, albeit I was able to extricate mine from public school and that whole trajectory through Special Education. Mine ended up in 1 on 1 prep school at public expense. I also was spared most of the abhorrent behavior piece. But I felt the pain of the other moms dissing me too, I felt the pain of the lack of birthday party invitations...I know they secretly thought I was a bad mom.....I was spared the single mom thing.
My kid got inspired by the cult, watching his now 16 yo sister identify as a boy for several years (but she may have desisted, bcz she does not seem to be going down the road.) The medical establishment or rather the "Trans (sic) medical industrial complex does not wait for proper evaluations, (or any evaluations,) they don't scrutinize the recipients, instead they prescribe the puberty blockers or wrong sex hormones on the first visit; they include their prospects in groups of similarly situated which ensures their continued trajectory down a very painful path, that we are precluded from talking about or warning them about...
I appreciate the notion, to consider your work with your son as a job done very well and consider your self kinda "free." That is where our family is at currently....how do we do that artfully, in a way where it (read he) doesn't come back to bite us, and that doesn't cost us financially. Best of luck on your next phase!!
wow, that was a tough read. completely heartbreaking…I honestly can’t imagine.
let me be clear tho: you did the right thing.
growing up I had different circumstances but long story short, my father was a very emotionally manipulative person. one of the ways he did this was through financial support. he basically kept me and my brother in a state of prolonged adolescence by bailing us out of every failure in our adult lives, so that we both never had to face the consequences of our own actions. needless to say, we both became self destructive heroin addicts. by the Grace of God he went bankrupt by the time I was about 25-26 and all of a sudden I was forced to grow up and become a responsible man. it was incredibly painful and took the better part of 4 years but it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I shudder to think of the wretched human I would have become if the money and soft support hadn’t run out.
I hope I’m not sounding to self aggrandizing and I’m not trying to scare you, but sometimes letting a child have to grow up themselves and letting them go can be the greatest act of Love a parent can give. it’s not a magic bullet and no outcomes are certain except one: if you kept sheltering and supporting him non-stop, it would end very badly.
stay strong in the knowledge that you have done everything possible for your kid.
God bless…
A few things come to mind:
First, you have my deepest sympathy and highest respect
Second, you didn't " throw him out ".
His " life choice" caused you so much angst and torment that a point came when cohabitation was no longer an option, though none of your fault. He technically chose by default to exit mom's welcoming house when his" choice" unacceptably wounded his mother. In your son's defense, his autism makes him a perfect candidate for believing the dangerous lies of the trans cult. This being said, not everyone on the spectrum goes trans. Most are prompted by the trans ideology but many don't fall for it. And though I put the blame for all your pain squarely on the trans extremists and advocates, there is still a level of personal responsibility that cannot be dismissed. Your son is very correct when he calls his life decision a choice.
Third, I got exhausted just by reading all you have done to give your son a chance at a successful, happy and meaningful, and this, without any support system. You have not left one stone unturned to find creative ways to help him, regardless of the cost. You have paid your dues to motherhood above and beyond what was expected of you. With the powers that have never been conferred to me and a complete lack of authority, if only my life experience and my brokenness as a detransitioner, I declare you free of any false sense of shame, fault or obligation.
You have done it all. You are now officially done.
Your son s life is in his hands. And yes I understand, his choices suck after all you have done but it's on him. You did all you humanly could. If I may, I would slightly modify your title from " it finally broke me" to " it finally freed me". You have sacrificed every thing for your kid: your family, your friends, your career, your health, your sleep...You are now free. Enjoy every aspect of it. You deserve it. You can sleep well with the satisfaction that you raised your insanely difficult son well and you made it alive. You have in you to go forward. You are anything but broken. You are one solid, courageous, head strong mama who has kept her sanity and her sense of human dignity in the midst of utter craziness. You can be proud of yourself. I'm of you.
Thank you, Helene. My 19yo son moved out last week with a nudge from my husband and I (OK, we kind of bribed him). Our story is very, very similar to the OP's, except that instead of being a single parent I am married, but our son was so difficult that my husband effectively gave up a long time ago. So the burden was almost all on me, and I exerted much the same efforts as the OP. Son had much the same diagnoses, got kicked out of everything, tried years of types of therapies, many medical professionals gave up, special schools, daily school phone calls, parents wouldn't let their kids play with him, etc. And still with all this he could be charming and funny and enjoyable to be around. I love him with all my heart. But then, when things finally seemed to be improving, he told us he was trans, was starting hormones, and there wasn't anything we could do to stop him. We're the bad guys now for not agreeing that he's a girl. He says everything is our fault, but it simply can't be. When you're trying to figure out a kid this difficult you make a lot of mistakes, and he experienced trauma at school that we didn't know about, but I just can't see how our mistakes could have caused this. Thank you for affirming that.
He's (painfully) correct when he says there's nothing you can do to stop him. Nothing you have done or said would have brought a different outcome because ultimately, it's his choice. Parenting is a hit and miss experience, powered by love and sustained by forgiveness. If some people want to be parents and never make mistakes, i suggest they rescue a dog. If you're gonna parent a kid, you'll make mistakes. We live in a society that's feeding young (and less
young) people with an obnoxious and tyrannical victim mentality mantra ad nauseum.
It's never my fault, my choice or my responsibility. Someone else gotta get the blame. Your son is directly responsible for his choices and self inflicted misery. Of course he was influenced in
that direction (as I was) but neither of us had to swallow the bait, hook, line and sinker as we did.
It was OUR choice. Simple and square. Life is full of influences.
Choosing to ignore the caring and
affectionate advices of those
who have showered me with their
care and love since birth and
pledge allegiance to toxic and destructive novelty ideas that
don't stand the test of common
sense, biological reality and time is a choice. You have done an
amazing job and you are now an
empty nester ( at least empty of the problematic bird if you have other kids). Today is the first day of the rest of your life and now is the time to live to the fullest. Go to all the places and do all the things that you had wanted but couldn't because you were responsible loving parents taking care of a difficult child. Back then, he was your priority. Now he is an adult. And as much as you'll always love him and will be there to pick up the pieces when the lie he is leaving eventually comes crashing down, your priority has shifted. Now it's you and your couple. It's my great privilege to declare you free. And free to be happy. In spite of the deep hurt inflicted upon you. That s also a choice. One I hope you'll make:)
Thank you. :) Yes, in a sense it feels like I got my life back last Tuesday when he left. House is now clean (yay!) and my husband and I might do some travelling we couldn't do when we were raising our son. The drama hasn't ended, though -- in the last 7 days son has shown up at our house or called us 4 times with a "crisis" that needed our help Right That Minute. I'm hoping this calms down, but even if it doesn't, there is still some relief to the fact that he can't blame us for all the new stuff happening to him (it's now his boss's fault that he's struggling with his mental health -- victim mentality is alive and well!). We're contributing some financial support, still, mostly for our own sanity so he could leave. Still it bummed me out when he cussed me out on the phone yesterday because I told him I had guests and couldn't talk right then (about his non-emergency crisis). Thanks again for your encouragement. I'm sorry you got caught up in this madness for a time, but it sounds like you got out and gained a lot of wisdom in the process. I appreciate you sharing!
I’m literally crying reading your words, Helene. I’m a parent of a nearly-18-year old boy who will go on hormones the moment he moves out (he already did but got caught). It’s so hard knowing what to do as a parent. How you just “absolved” the author is honestly the most beautiful and helpful thing you could have done. I ache with regret and lie awake in the middle of most nights wondering what more I can do. The fact that you saw what this mom needed to hear and gave that to her is so humane, so “seeing.” It’s beautiful.
There's NOTHING my parents could have said, not say, done, not do, understand, change in their minds or in their ways that would have made a difference in the trajectory I was dead set on taking and saved me from the terrible mistake I was proudly and loudly determined to make.
The harshness of life and the constant trouble associated with living a lie served as a wake up call for me and brought me back to reality over many years.
Parents need to absolve themselves and quit practicing the mental torture of wondering where they were wrong and what they could have said or done differently. The answer is nowhere and nothing. Every parent makes mistakes. If those were responsible for the kids' gender orientation, then every kid would be trans.
Your son is pretty much an adult.
Your job is done. You did your very best. You bear no responsibility whatsoever in his choice. Keep loving him, even from far. Protect your heart from debilitating anger and excessive sorrow. It will oof you ( destroy you). Assure him that the door of your heart will always be open to him and your sane mind will always remain hermetic to the gender madness he fell for. Wishing you peace and hoping the best ( aka desistance) for him.
I hope your son doesn't end up living on the street. Was he employed? Is he on disability? Does he have the skills needed to function as an adult? I'm not blaming you for throwing him out. I get that you reached the limit of what you could put up with, and you're not legally obligated to give him a place to live, but I hope he has a safe place to go.
In some countries these people would be living on the street. In the UK when my daughter left home (falsely claiming I “”kicked her out” ), government agencies quickly stepped in to help her. She knew the system. Claiming she was “trans” enabled her to get the affirmation that I would not have given her. When she left the house she was vulnerable to be bullied and abused. Her choice, not mine. As a prodigal daughter, she wanted freedom to rebel against everything good. When I saw her again she was on the slippery slope of body mutilation leading to complete delusion.
It is not our fault.
I am so proud of you - kicking your son out of your home is exactly what you needed to do for YOU! Tough Love. Setting boundaries. Claiming your own space. Letting go. Finding Your Peace. It is not your fault that your son struggled, a lot of kids struggle. But him being rude, hateful, stubborn, lazy, disobedient etc. is unacceptable behavior and he chose these actions because he got attention. He sounds angry - perhaps because there is an absent father figure? Still, a lot of kids have a missing parent, and it does not give them the right to be awful to other people, it is not an excuse - ever. Your story is very sad. The fact that he chose to become a woman has nothing to do with you. He needs to live his life, suffer the consequences of his actions - and grow up. School of very hard knocks indeed. Please focus on yourself and let your healing process begin as raising your son on your own without support and financial help has probably drained you emotionally, mentally and physically. We are all supporting you here on this sub stack because we know how hard this trans ideology is on any family. Learn to love yourself again and focus on what brings you joy and seek it out. Let Go and Let God...Best wishes to you.
"He went to a woke doctor, got a referral to an endocrinologist, had his blood tests and got his hormones... There were no questions asked and no counselling offered."
A glimpse into the Trans-Industrial Complex.