It’s All A Facade
(From my journal dated 7/5/2018)
As the inflatable air mattress once again begins to sag beneath me, accompanied by popping sounds as it sinks ever so slowly, I ponder the ways of the world.
Life is like the air bed... we inflate it to withstand our weight, but it sinks ever so slowly with agonizing pressure. Then we inflate it all over again. But there are minute holes to be patched, sealed, taped - repaired!! If only we can locate those dreadful leaks. If only.
Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a physically unbearable day, in a way giving birth never was. It was remarkably difficult and painful. Unbelievably painful. Today was - well, different. Emotionally trying. Getting another proverbial nail in the coffin of the female that was N.
When will it stop? How much more will we have to endure before the realization hits that it’s all a facade, a superficial cloak - an invisible cloak? But, unlike in the Harry Potter books, this cloak is transparent. It’s totally see through. All this is merely a coverup of reality. This can’t go on forever. It’s so unhealthy.
Why did this have to happen to us, when the dangers of peer pressure were so thoroughly (we thought) explained?
Social contagion. Cult. Brainwashing. Body snatching!! All new terms that are fouling the English language and grammar, completely rewriting the rules, disturbing the equilibrium of fragile, societal norms and legitimizing something that was never meant to be legitimate.
If I must stand firm to save a life, to protect someone from self-destruction, I will stand firm. And knowing that I’m not alone in experiencing this phenomenon is comforting, albeit nerve-wracking.
How to turn this around? How did my own mother deal with this (regarding my own prepubescent tomboy youth)? How did I survive my own (“gender”) deviations to become who I am - not completely one way or the other? (edit: I don’t “identify” as non-binary, I am an adult human female!)