I’ve been living in a cult for six years and I want out
Maybe it’s because my daughter just turned 26 or because she’s been on T for seven years now, but I have come to the realization that I have been living like I’m in a cult too. And I want out. There’s got to be something between giving up hope that she will ever detransition and accepting her as a trans-man. I can’t do either. Can I live in the space in-between? If I can control nothing else, can I manage my reaction to her behavior? Starting now here are some changes I’m making.
No longer looking for signs of desistance.
No longer reviewing her medical statements to see what treatment she is pursuing.
No longer checking out the mountain of drugs she’s on and researching what they are for and their side effects.
No longer trying to talk to her about anything trans related (honestly, I gave this up years ago).
Not trying to “sow seeds of doubts”. If she can spend hours researching the dog’s ear infection, she can spend 10 minutes reading up on the impact of T on the female body. She doesn’t need me for that.
Not leaving photos around of when she looked normal.
Not trying to pretend she doesn’t have severe mental health issues. This isn’t about gender. It’s about maladaptive coping techniques.
No longer comparing her to her former peers, her friends from pre-trans days. They have moved on with their lives and careers. Her new peers are others with autism with mental health challenges.
No longer encouraging her to work out or eat healthy. What’s the point when she is poisoning her body with T?
Trying not to talk about her with friends who know her story and are kind enough (and brave enough) to inquire. There’s no good news to share and the story is just tragic.
No longer canceling plans because I feel bad leaving her alone.
Avoid thinking about what the future might look like for her. What she is doing makes meeting any milestone – getting a job, finding a partner, making friends, moving out – immeasurably more difficult. And there is nothing I can do about it.
No longer pining for a pleasant mother/daughter relationship. Did we ever even have one? I question all my memories of the past now. But I don’t see one in our future. At least we don’t fight.
No longer reading about gender issues, about autism or neurodivergence. I could write my own books about them. Now I enjoy reading fiction.
In summary, it’s time for me to move on. I love her. I support her. I will always be there for her. But I can’t prevent her from ruining her life. If hope is the thing with feathers, I have gone bald.
"This isn’t about gender. It’s about maladaptive coping techniques." 100%. Trans is a symptom masquerading as a diagnosis. Instead of leading with curiosity about why patients feel in "the wrong body," and in large part because this is a medical subspeciality run on activist values rather than medical values, therapists and physicians have instead opted for the "quick fix" of transing the body to match the mind. Medical solutions are always profitable--and since this is the ultimate in self-diagnosis consumer medicine, who cares about the long-term health and well-being of the patients?
Only the parents--never the doctors or therapists.
I’m thinking we are a new kind of Al-Anon and it is really tough. It can also feel like being an amputee. Find new things to bring you joy. You have done your best and the outcome is out of your hands.