My Colleagues Have Failed You

A message from Dr. Miriam Grossman

Dear parents,

As an avid reader of PITT essays and comments, I have occasionally noted parents’ frustration that their trauma, and their betrayal by therapists and doctors, aren’t acknowledged.

When parents voice those beliefs, it frustrates me. No, I’ll be honest – it makes me want to scream. For years, I have been writing and speaking about precisely those things at every opportunity.

I guess my ego is too big, and I must work on that, but I assumed parents writing or commenting on PITT must know about my work. But that’s unrealistic, and clearly not the case.

My goal is to reach every parent, and I am grateful that your incredible PITT editors are giving me the opportunity to share with you:

• My 2021 Federalist article holding my colleagues accountable for their deplorable behavior with parents.

• A 2023 Jordan Peterson podcast in which I kept bringing the focus back to parents.

• Most important for me is that you all have access to the chapter called “Mourning the Living” from my 2023 book, Lost in Trans Nation: A Child Psychiatrist’s Guide Out of the Madness.

For permitting the chapter to be reproduced here, I owe a big thanks to my publisher, Tony Lyons at Skyhorse Publishing. Tony’s only request was that I provide a link for purchasing the book, Lost in Trans Nation: A Child Psychiatrist's Guide Out of the Madness here. Please note, there’s also an audio version which I narrated.

It is my hope that this material will help you feel less alone, less ignored, and perhaps a drop less betrayed by doctors and mental health providers.

May God bless you all, and give you the strength to face each day.

Miriam Grossman, MD 
Child, Adolescent and Adult Psychiatrist 
Senior fellow, DoNoHarmMedicine.org
www.MiriamGrossmanMD.com

---

“Mourning the Living, From Lost in Trans Nation: A Child psychiatrist’s Guide Out of the Madness”

In the fall of 2021, I offered to give some educational sessions for parents of ROGD kids. By then I’d talked to maybe one hundred parents and read a few dozen testimonies on PITT. Each one’s horror story was worse than the next, and many felt lost, with nowhere to turn. My heart ached for them, and I wanted to do something.

I ran the idea by AC—her adult son has lived as a woman for a few years. AC lives in South Carolina and is one of the warriors in this battle: she organized and led Zoom meetings for parents of ROGD kids. Parents came from private or secret Facebook groups, and from other parent organizations, national and international. Most provided only first names or initials.

Joining one of those groups was not an easy process: there was a rigorous vetting system. First, parents had to complete a lengthy questionnaire about themselves and their child. Then they waited weeks for a response. Then one of the leaders of the group emailed with more questions. That was followed by more waiting, and then questions by phone.

The waiting was an additional stress for already-overwhelmed parents desperate for help and connection, but the organizations were, and still are, swamped. The vetting ended with a Zoom, after which approval to join was given, or not.

Why the secrecy and robust vetting? Because parents feared being fired or their children removed by CPS. And many don’t want their gender-distressed child to learn they belong to a “transphobic” group.

AC said there are thousands of parents in these groups and the ­numbers were growing daily. She wanted me to know that while the focus was on girls, there were many boys, as well. She told me that parents, especially those whose kids had announced a new identity recently, needed basic information because they’d been ambushed, were ignorant about gender ideology, and were lost.

I made a list of things I thought parents needed to know. But the day prior to the event, I changed my plan. It happened during a parent group that I’d joined as an observer, in order to listen and learn.

The first questions were what you’d expect. Should we call our son by his girl name and female pronouns? How do we explain what’s happened to his younger sibling? What about grandma?

Then a mom spoke up whom I’ll never forget. She was seated on a sofa next to her husband. “Yesterday our son told us he’s our daughter,” she told the group. “How should I be feeling?”

How should I be feeling—that was her question. I noted her lack of emotion and wide, intense eyes. Her husband offered nothing, his face blank. Lots of blinking. “I just don’t know how I should be feeling,” she said again matter-of-factly.

I understood at once: she was asking how to feel because she didn’t feel anything. She was numb. Someone asked a question, another made suggestions, but the mom and dad continued to look bewildered.

This is trauma, I thought. Theirs are the faces of trauma, like those of people who return home after a tornado and find rubble.

I recalled the many parents who’d contacted me over the previous year. They were all distraught, some were falling apart. I would comment on their distress, but without fail the discussion returned to the child. As I watched and listened to the couple on my screen, it hit me: we’re focused on the kids and overlooking the parents’ off-the-charts traumatic stress.

Of course, therapists working with this population, and journalists reporting on the catastrophe, were aware of parents’ anguish. But no one had recognized parents were victims of actual trauma and their symptoms were serious, even debilitating. Not only that, but unlike a car accident or hurricane, where trauma is due to a single event, the ordeals these parents face are ongoing, typically lasting years.

I decided, before talking about their kids, I need to talk with parents about themselves.

There was a good turnout; about fifty people were on my screen. Word had gotten around, and many parents, some new to the world of ROGD and others not so new, signed up. I was nervous but knew what I must say.

It went something like this: “I know you’re expecting me to talk about your kids—you have lots of questions. Your child is struggling with an issue you don’t understand, there’s some conflict at home, and you want guidance. You can’t stop worrying about your child—what to do, what to say, what about school, internet, new friends,—it’s consuming, I know.

“But I’m not going to speak about your kids today, today I am speaking about you.

“From what I am seeing in my office and in parent groups and reading in PITT, you parents are traumatized and it’s time we start talking about it.”

I explained that trauma results from deeply disturbing events such as experiencing or witnessing a serious injury, or the threat of serious injury, to oneself or another person. This doesn’t mean only earthquakes or mass shootings: the injury can be psychological, as well. The event causes feelings of fear, helplessness, or horror that persist. It also affects one’s thoughts and behaviors.

“We need to talk about the many traumas you have experienced.

“Your son announced he’s your daughter. Your daughter announced she’s your son. You couldn’t absorb it. It was preposterous, how could your child believe it? Your very smart, even brilliant, child who excels in math, physics, and robotics. How are these words coming out of her? Yet there he was telling you his girl’s name. And he is insisting he always felt this way. How could my child be transgender? And the school’s in on it? We’re the only ones in the dark? She asked to go to a gender clinic. He asked for medicine to stop puberty.

“The conversation kept replaying in your head. You didn’t sleep that night. Well of course you didn’t: you’d just been hit by a nuclear bomb.

“To begin, it’s shocking to learn your child has embraced the impossible. He genuinely believes he’s in the wrong body. He’s not living in reality—that’s alarming! She must be under the influence of others, but who? Will she transform into someone you don’t recognize? Will she lose her beautiful soprano voice? Her breasts? Will she become sterile? Will your family be destroyed?

“Will you have to choose between estrangement and agreeing with your child’s delusion? That’s a Sophie’s Choice no parent should face.

“You feel helpless: your child is headed down a dangerous path, maybe he or she is far down it already, and what can you do when the whole world is applauding? To whom can you turn?

“You called her school. Yes, they use the new name. It’s been a few months, they say: your daughter wasn’t ready for you to know. She is free to use the boy’s facilities, they inform you, including locker rooms.

“Another sleepless night: Your daughter changes her clothes in the boys’ locker room, and you’re supposed to sleep?

“Then came the appointment. The gender specialist called your daughter by her made-up name instead of the one you carefully chose when you were pregnant or adopting her.

“At the end of the session, the therapist said you must accept your daughter’s boy identity and her development should be stopped. It’s safe and reversible, she reassured you.

“You weren’t so sure. What about her anxiety and eating disorder? Couldn’t that be related? She was bullied. Her sister was sexually assaulted. Aren’t those things relevant?

“You suggested a slower process and more caution. You insisted: we know our child! There’s more going on here.

“Then, in a condescending manner, and maybe with your child in the room, she replied that their physical development and periods are causing them distress, and puberty blockers will help. In fact, it’s already late. ‘There’s a consensus among professionals,’ she explained. ‘Affirmation saves lives.’ She spoke with authority and confidence.

Then the heaviest blow. ‘If you’re not supportive, if you are not an ally,’ she warned, ‘they might commit suicide.’

“You are stunned. The specialist is saying you’re the problem. Not your child’s wacky beliefs. Not her anxiety and social media addiction. Everything would be okay, she’s telling you, your child would be smiling right now, if only you were on board. We can deal with the gender issue, not a problem. You, mom and dad, are the problem.

“You searched for an expert, you took your child to see her, and she endorsed the lie! Then she belittled you, dismissed your concerns, undermined your authority, and weakened the bond with your child.

“She’s known your family for an entire forty-five minutes, and she calls you ‘unsupportive?’ Wow. Just wow.

“You’d like to know, were you also ‘unsupportive’ when you quit your job and stayed on bed rest for three months so she wouldn’t be premature? When you kept nursing, because it was best for her, when your nipples were cracked and bleeding? When you were up with him night after night trying to sooth him from colic? When you turned down your dream job because it required travel? Were you not an ally when you slept next to her in a hospital chair for three nights when her appendix burst? When you confronted the parents of a bully on the bus? When you both took second jobs to pay for therapy and tutoring? And on and on, countless instances of devotion and self-sacrifice, who can remember them all? And now the expert says you’re ‘unsupportive.’

“You’re shocked and horrified. You want to vomit—again, for good reasons.

“At home you googled the medications and learned about osteoporosis and vaginal atrophy. You found pictures of girls your daughter’s age with fresh scars across their now-flat chests. You discovered surgeons eager to harm her advertising with memes and emojis on Tik-Tok.

“Maybe it was at this point you had your first full-blown panic attack. Or maybe it was the next day when you told your sister and she agreed with the therapist, or the following week when you found a binder in your daughter’s bedroom.

“Sleep, laughter, and concentration were distant memories. You felt numb and detached. You’re avoiding people. Your child’s announcement kept playing in your head; you imagined her in the boy’s bathroom; the therapist’s words rang in your ears; those ghastly mastectomy scars flash in front of your eyes.

“Parents, listen to me. That is trauma. What you are going through has a name. Let’s recognize it right now.

“Fear. Horror. Helplessness. The hallmark features of trauma. The

“Let’s not forget triggers. They suddenly remind you of your trauma and cause distress, fear, or disorientation. A trigger can be anything—an object, memory, or smell; a holiday or an angry voice; a time of year or day.

“Of course, I already knew the everyday items and occurrences you can’t escape: Rainbows. Flags. Words beginning with “trans.” Planned Parenthood and ACLU ads in your social media feed. You have a strong reaction that’s seems out of proportion because you are reliving your trauma.” (As I was speaking the parent chat was on fire.)

Anytime I see a rainbow now . . . even if it is a beautiful photo, I get a knot in my stomach

It feels like there are no walls or perimeters around this, its a never ending flood of feelings. no boundaries

I was curious about the unusual triggers that no one would imagine. I wanted to get a sense of what it’s like to walk in your shoes on a regular day.

Parents’ Trauma-Induced Terror Moments, Aka Triggers

Seeing his name on old mail we receive
The young men’s clothing aisle
Hearing her younger sisters say he/him
Photos of friends’ grandchildren
Seeing her with a beard and hearing her deep voice
Baby clothing
The word “journey”
Young couples with their child, my heart aches to return to those innocent years
Recipes, my son was a foodie
My phone – all the shock from him has been by text
The word “trans” – transformation, Trans Canada highway, transit…
Other people’s normal kids.
The song Sweet Caroline.
Not being able to speak my truth
The words “pronoun” and “ally”.
Grocery stores
Christmas cards
DEI trainings
The clothing I was wearing when he made the announcement
Walking through Target
Happy children like mine once was.
Photos of myself when I was so happy before this all began.
Putting my head on the pillow at night.
 

After the Zoom sessions, AC took my query to three groups: Parents of ROGD Boys, a Secret FB group for parents of ROGD children and young adults, and a WhatsApp group of Moms.

The poignant responses came flooding in, and I wish I could list them all. (See Triggers list above with just a few of them.)

One came from “A Mom from the USA”:

Can we be honest here? I hate to call them “triggers.” They are so much more than that. I prefer “trauma-induced terror moments.”

I agree with “Mom from the USA”; “trigger” is overused; your description is superior, and I will use it from now on.

Terror moments can be so awful they may lead to avoidance of places, people, or situations. This can further seep the pleasure from your lives. But it may be necessary to survive. From the chat:

I feel like I am always under siege. Battle mode 24/7

There is a cloud over all fun times and holidays. Nothing is the same. I have to pretend to be OK in order to not wreck my connection with my kids. Its a constant stress.

We have lost the simple joy of watching the results of our hard work raising our kid. We are denied the fruits of our labor. . . . The joy is sucked away.

Many parents who seek my help have never talked to a psychiatrist before. They may have gone through cancer, divorce, financial losses, and other terrible things. But this is the first time, they tell me, they ever made an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk and maybe get medication. They tell me their child’s gender confusion is the most difficult thing they’ve ever been through. Crying all day. Panicked, hopeless, avoiding people, hardly functioning. All because of what’s happening with their child.

I continued with the parents:

“Okay, so you’re traumatized. But there’s something else that needs to be said. There’s another layer to this.

“Normally my profession rushes to promptly identify and help victims of trauma. Whether it be due to abuse, sexual assault, natural disasters, mass shootings, 9/11, racism, discrimination—the large mental health associations advocate for services. And that’s the case especially when the victims are members of a marginalized population.

“But who’s advocating for you? Where’s the awareness campaign, the media coverage, the support groups, the ads on buses and subways, the 800 numbers to call?”

Its so hard to talk to anyone about it nobody understands they act like I’m crazy so I have to keep in inside

“You know better than I—there are none.* Unlike other victims, your trauma is not only unacknowledged, you’re to blame! And that’s why you found one another online and have these underground, secret meetings.

“Marginalized? There’s no one more marginalized than parents who won’t accept their child’s opposite-sex persona. Marginalized would be a step up—at least you’re noticed; but you parents of ROGD kids are not even on the paper.

“I am recognizing each of you right now. I am recognizing your trauma and suffering.

“You should not be underground, huddled together in secrecy like outcasts, using fake names. It’s the proponents of this destructive social movement, and the gender medical establishment, that’s disfiguring and sterilizing kids that should be ashamed and hiding, not you.

“And I want to say—and it’s very important you hear me say this—that the medical profession, my profession, has betrayed you. You have a right to all you are feeling, and you have a right to be recognized and validated. The entire mental health profession—psychology, social work, counseling—was captured by radical ideologues years ago, and you and your families are paying the price.

“The doctors are wrong, your gut is right. Your son will always be your son. Your daughter will always be your daughter. To say differently is inane. And to place blame on you, parents representing reality, is shameful.

“Too many of my colleagues believe that denying biology is part of normal development, and if parents and society would just accept that, it would be all rainbows and unicorns for youth. Doctors at Johns Hopkins tell you to embrace your child’s ‘evolving sense of self.’ They either believe it or they are intimidated into silence.

“We failed you. It’s a painful reality and hard for me to say, but it’s the truth.

“In this whole gender fiasco, parents are bad, toxic, unsafe bigots if they dare to question an irrational belief system with no scientific foundation. The therapists undermine your parenting and swoop in and want to save your kids from you. They see themselves as saviors and you’re the toxic unsafe parents. The same goes for the pediatricians and endocrinologists who prescribe the hormones. And the surgeons? Sinister.

“I know that many of you feel you’re at odds with the whole world: your child, family members, friends, schools, doctors, therapists, politicians, the media, the culture. On how many fronts can one person fight?

“One mom recently told me, ‘Sometimes I wish my son had cancer. At least I’d get sympathy and understanding. The whole world would be there for me.’ It didn’t surprise me, and I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you.”

Again, from the chat:

5 years of holding my breath. I’d take cancer or addiction at this point, any day

I am numb and there is little pleasure in anything. I have no trust in anything or anybody and I am bewildered every day by the madness that has taken over my son.

“The point of today is for you to hear all these things from me, a doctor. I want to acknowledge your trauma and suffering and to say I am sorry. I am so sorry all this is happening to you and that you have been betrayed. You deserve to be recognized and supported as much as the victims of hurricanes and mass shootings.”

I stopped for a drink of water and scrolled through the grid of participants. Why, I wondered, did so many parents turn off their cameras? I assumed because of a bad hair day, or they were in the kitchen or bathroom.

I asked AC about it afterward, and she told me their cameras were off because they were crying. From the chat:

I thought I’d cried all my tears out, but what you said, your validation, it opened the faucet.

i didn’t think i had any more tears to cry till today

I can’t even have the camera on. tears flowing from her first sentence to us.

That’s why I turned mine off.

I cry harder for this than I did when I lost my mother and father. The sounds thatemanate from me are primal.

Despite the tears—or perhaps because of them—there was an outpouring of gratitude for my talk. I had hit a chord. So I went to work on the next one.

I decided to talk about the weeping.

“What are tears about? Different emotions can cause crying, but most commonly they are due to sadness. Sadness is due to the loss of someone or something to which you are attached: a person, a home, a job, a dream. One’s health, independence, or finances can be lost. When the loss is great, it may lead to grief. Grief can be a heavy burden.”

I have been on and off suicidal for a full year.

“Many of you are grieving and carrying a burden, whether others realize it or not. It’s vital for you to name, acknowledge, and understand your grief, otherwise you can’t begin to heal.

“There is simple grief and complex grief. With simple grief you feel sad, you miss the person, you are preoccupied with your loss, but no more than that. It hurts, but you can say good-bye and move forward.

“With complicated grief there are emotions like guilt, regret, and anger. How could she have done this to me? Am I to blame? Could I have ­ prevented it? What if I’d done something different? What if, what if?

“Parents of children who have or are going through medical transition face loss that is ambiguous: your child is still alive, but he’s transformed. The loss is of the child you once knew—their personality and their appearance. Some changes are final such as double mastectomies, but others are not. The ongoing uncertainty can be torture. This is what you face. There’s also hope: every day there are more desistors and detransitioners—maybe yours will join their ranks! You have hope, but you also want to live in reality. That’s the challenge: to live in reality, but hold on to hope.

“This is what you face, and I can’t think of a grief more complicated than yours.

“I feel honored you parents have shared with me the losses you’ve endure because your child fell into the grips of gender ideology. While every situation is unique, I think most of you grieve in varying degrees many of the same losses.

“Every loss has primary and secondary elements. A primary loss, for example, is the death of a spouse, and secondary losses might be financial security and retirement dreams.

Secondary losses can be highly personal, such as loss of faith, and they can compound the grief of the primary loss.

“The primary loss is the child you once knew.

“Let’s start at the beginning: her name. You probably chose it before she entered this world. You deliberated before picking it, knowing it was a momentous decision. You may have celebrated her naming with family and friends—it was a meaningful rite of passage. And the countless times you repeated it to get Me his attention, call her to come, comfort her, call her for a meal, inscribe it on a cake. . . . Now, she says, that name is ‘dead.’ It’s a knife in your heart.

“Such a simple thing, a name. Such a huge, painful loss.

“You lost a relationship. Your previously easy-going, compliant, affectionate son became moody, hostile, and distant. You once played musictogether, and Scrabble. Now he seems alien to you. You’ve lost the lovely connection you once had.

“Your daughter’s long, beautiful hair and soprano voice—gone.

“Those primary losses are just the start. We have to look as well at ancillary, or secondary losses.”

“For example, the past has been erased. Your child rewrote it to fit his beliefs: ‘I never liked those swim trunks. I was miserable on that vacation. In that birthday video I was only acting like I was happy.’

“Cherished memories are stained by the narrative. He might insist you remove and delete all the old photos of him. He knows his life history better than you.”

Mothers have asked me, why did I give up a career for motherhood, if this is the result? I stayed home all those years, for what?

Parents describe their loss of trust in institutions. The educational and medical systems, the media, their candidates and political parties, feminist organizations, the LGBTQ community, their families and friends, and sometimes, sadly, their spouses. Betrayed by all of them. They either pushed the ideology that entrapped their child or went MIA during their dark hours of need.

From the chat:

I’m not sure if/when I can forgive my family for abandoning me in my greatest time of need.

I don’t think there’s anyone on our side. Everyone keeps telling me I just need to accept it. Even friends and family say it. Nobody can understand this unless they go through it.

Social services have taken children away from parents grounded in reality. Regarding businesses, one mom told me: “We are assaulted visually with flags and unicorns when we walk in, and women’s restrooms and changing areas are no longer safe.”

Some parents have been betrayed by the justice and legal systems who rule against parents who are reality-based, removing their children, e.g., Olivia, Yaeli, Sage, and so many others.

Parents feel betrayed by churches, who are either ideologically captured or simply unsupportive of parents. And they feel abandoned by God, for allowing their families to descend into hell.

A future that was assumed has been thrown into question: holiday celebrations with the whole family, trips, a wedding, grandchildren.

Parents fear their child will not attend their grandparents’ funerals.

They lose their identities as liberal, progressive, tolerant individuals. They cease seeing themselves as good parents. They are ashamed. They lose their sense of self.

It’s difficult to overstate the magnitude of these losses. It’s impossible to measure the burden. What parents describe is a loss of one’s bearing. The crumbling of what they always assumed to be true.

These losses go to the core of a person’s being: who they are, what they believe, who they can trust. They are profoundly shaken.

It’s the feeling that the floor has fallen out beneath you and you just keep falling. Endless terror.

“Parents, when I consider your immense trauma and grief, I have to ­ conclude that we don’t yet have a term in psychiatry that encompasses it all.

“Normally, grief is recognized and socially sanctioned. There is support. There are rituals. There are cards, announcements, flowers, and food sent to your house. But sometimes grief is not acknowledged. Dr. Kenneth Doka, a bereavement expert, coined the term disenfranchised grief. When something that is your right is taken away, you are disenfranchised.

“Dr. Doka gives as examples of disenfranchised grief an early miscarriage or the death of an ex-spouse. Most people may assume they weren’t difficult losses for you. ‘You’ll get pregnant again,’ ‘he was your ex, big deal.’ You might be suffering mightily from the losses, but there’s little or no acknowledgment.”

Its so hard to talk to anyone about it nobody understands they act like I’m crazy so I have to keep it inside

“Like your trauma, your grief is disenfranchised. There’s no recognition, so you are isolated without support. You’re driven underground, living double lives, using fake names, but you’ve done nothing wrong—it should be the gender evangelists, therapists, and doctors who should be hiding.

“Parents, you are grieving, you have a multitude of losses. They must be named and recognized. Others may trivialize your grief or even blame you for it. They might say you brought it on yourselves. I know this is done by family members, trusted friends, and doctors. I cannot imagine how that feels—another trauma on top of all the others.”

Never before in my long life have I felt less understood about anything than I do about this issue.

I have such trust issues now. Major feelings of abandonment.

“In psychiatry we know that emotional contact is essential for health. Isolation is an enormous stressor and can lead to physical illnesses.

“Parents I’ve talked to expressed their distrust of and rage toward the medical system to the degree of avoiding doctors altogether. One mom told me her husband was devastated to discover a trusted therapist was secretly affirming his daughter. He had not been in the best health before it all began, she told me. He stopped going to doctors and died of a heart attack.

“My message to you: honor your reality. You are entitled to your grief. It’s legitimate even if you’re the only person who recognizes it. Don’t disen-franchise yourselves!“

*This was prior to GENSPECT and the documentaries that included interviews with parents