My Most Heartfelt Apologies

My heartfelt apologies to you, my youngest daughter. I am sorry I wasn’t the woman with whom you could wholeheartedly identify. And I am sorry that I wasn’t a strong enough female figure in your life, strong enough to help you overcome the negativities you were being bombarded with. I was supposed to be the woman you looked up to and admired even if you didn’t want to admit it. 

I’m sorry that femininity is something you are uncomfortable with. It’s my fault, as I should have been able to help you see that most girls have similar feelings at some point in their lives. I know I did. I’m sorry that none of my words of wisdom reached your heart and that they didn’t aid you in your time of great need.  I’m sorry that you suffered in silence, that you suffered at all. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you realize that. 

I apologize for not bringing you up to fully believe in God the way I do. I’m sorry and I pray that he shows you the truth now. Is it too late to hope? I hope not. I’m sorry that I allowed you to be indoctrinated by school and the internet. I’m sorry that I allowed them to have the most influence in your life. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from the world. It was my job and I failed. 

I’m sorry that you hadn’t experienced a first kiss or first love before you made medical changes to your body. I’m sorry that you and I won’t get to pick out a wedding dress together and do other mother/daughter things. I’m sorry that you won’t experience your father walking you down the aisle.  I’m sorry for him too.  

I’m sorry that you won’t have any biological children. I’m sorry that in your life you won’t feel the surprise of a pregnancy test, and the thrill of your baby’s first kicks. I’m sorry you won’t experience what mothers describe as the best moments in their lives—the way you feel right after giving birth. It’s unlike any other feeling in the whole world. At that moment of the first cry, the whole room is silent, time pauses and your heart is the fullest it will ever be. At that time you realize that your love for this child surpasses any other you’ll ever experience, and you are filled with a joy which is unmatched. Will you experience toward a tiny new human, as I did, the unparalleled awareness that your sole purpose, from that day forward, is to love and nurture this new person and to make sure they are taken care of and healthy? Nothing compares. I’m sorry I won’t share your joy or have one of your children to dote over and love. 

I completely failed you as a parent and mother. I can only grieve, pray, and apologize, there is nothing left for me to do. 

I’m the sorriest I have ever been or will be. Can you ever forgive me?

Mommy