When my son was about 14, I found him being groomed by someone who looked like a ‘Lady boy’. This man would send him makeup, and nail products, and other similar things and then get my son to wear them and send photos et cetera online. I suspect that this was an early form of sissy porn and my son’s developing brain was being completely warped and programmed by this.
It's times like this, even if you weren't remotely religious, one is forced to acknowledge that Satan really exists in this world. Some things, when you see them playing out you just know there's an evil force driving it.
I weep for you and your lost son. But please never lose him completely: do you best to keep track of where he is living and his contact details. Somewhere, deep inside him, he knows that you are still his mother.
The one takeaway, I suppose, is that adults have somehow gotten it in their heads that their minor children have any right to privacy. They don't. If weird packages are showing up from God-knows-where, you are within your legal and moral rights to open up that sucker and see what's inside. The ostrich approach helps no one :(
Boy you made an absolutely ridiculous assumption. Stop being snarky. How about write an article for PITT with your productive ideas, rather than lambasting other parents? How do you take away the internet pw when your child is doing HW for school on their laptop, for instance? Now, that would actually be helpful information.
Google is your friend. Parental control software and hardware features have been on the market for decades. As have articles in online magazines going over the various offerings available and their pros and cons. And computer stores with savvy folks who can install and set it up. And online resources to help you operate it.
Where there is a will, there is a way. We can do it!
{{ "I can think of no other motivation for a child to keep secrets from a parent other than that they are afraid of the parent's reaction.
What makes children afraid of their parents? Past experience." }}}
Perhaps I am one in eight billion but that was not so in my case. My not telling my mother I had been sexually abused had nothing to do with fearing her or her reaction. She was a strong capable loving open-minded single mom. I didn't want attention drawn to me, I didn't want to have to relate details of what had been done to me because few people and about zero children want to lose their privacy that way. Also as a child you have no clear idea of WHAT might happen in the after-effects of an earth-shaking revelation, regardless of if you have incredibly loving and wise parents or not. Life could be rough, I knew, and as a fiercely independent sort I filed the experiences under "Life's Tough" and felt confident that I could properly process what happened to me by myself.
But you are a human being. We are social animals above all. Your mother or siblings are the closest people in your life. Telling them what happened can help you. It really can.
I appreciate the sentiment, and of course I would want my own children to come to me with anything negative that is going on in my life.
Each situation is different in terms of telling parents. In my case, I was molested once by my mother's brother, who was ten years old at the time (I was seven). He had recently lost their mom suddenly to heart disease. It's a very uncomfortable memory for me but by the time I was a little older and realized that what he had done to me was wrong, there was no logical benefit to be had to telling my mother. I did wrestle with what if anything I should do if he ever had daughters; fortunately he had two sons. He, too, died very early, age 47, also of heart disease.
In the second instance, Jay, a friend of my mother's who had come to visit a few times (mom was very social) and played his guitar for the group. I was fascinated with the guitar--always wanted to learn more--and the bastard took advantage of that. I was ten and was alone all day for weeks while recuperating from a fall (that's a whole other story). One leg was in a cast and also one arm (broken wrist). Jay came to visit and keep me company a few times, with my mother's permission--she was pretty naive I guess. He brought his guitar and found excuses to give me "chest massages." That was as far as it went and I never told my mom. Not sure why it stopped but maybe it was because I went back to school when the leg cast came off. We also moved soon after and I never saw Jay again, so I saw no need to tell my mom how he had creeped me out.
We have two grown kids, a son and a daughter, and without terrifying them I talked to them from the time they could talk about how to recognize all kinds of bad/scary situations, and how to react if anything like that ever started to happen to them. One thing my husband and I emphasized was that they had a 100% pass on their own behavior if they found themselves in a bad situation; to call us and we would drop everything and immediately come pick them up. Once when she was about ten years old and on one of her first sleep-overs, she had the mom call us at one in the morning. Her friend had one sibling, an older brother, and when the girls in their bedroom that night, the brother came in, started a fight with his sister, and then physically attacked her. He was like 14 or 15. That really was some scary shit and we're so happy to this day that she understood that his behavior wasn't OK and that we would come get her. I feel really badly for that little girl because I don't think she had any protection from her parents.
My eldest went trans at her school aged 15 and since then developed a narcissistic controlling personality. When I voiced concerns after believing her for two years she totally turned against me and started bullying me. Just before Christmas she had me arrested at night on multiple allegations.
She has my 13 year old daughter whose school now use pronouns.
I remember early days at the park, the three of them together playing with friends.
Each one of these stories posted at PITT have some element that is relatable and I know we are all desperately trying to piece together just what went wrong, how it happened and when. The one thing all stories have in common is that overwhelming sense of loss that never quite leaves us and a complete lack of understanding and support from outside this echo chamber. Ugliness, dishonesty, immorality and a lack of accountability permeate our lives now and our children's lives. Last night I was watching an episode of "All Creatures Great and Small." It was a Christmas episode, finale of season one. I cried, it was just so beautiful. The people, common culture, beauty, love. It's no wonder these kids today are so completely lost. They will most likely never experience such things.
Wow, that’s harsh! I’m sure that happens in some cases, but why would you assume that it is widespread? Do you have some kind of evidence? I research the ROGD phenomenon constantly and I’ve never come upon a professional who makes such an assertion about mothers of ROGD kids.
More accurate to say the mothers adored their idealized vision of their son and expressed disdain and disgust whenever the son departed from that, leading to the son suppressing anything and everything about themselves except that perfect ideal projection - until they couldn't suppress it anymore due to the strong urges that puberty brings.
What mothers are you talking about?! Why do you think it's ok to bash other mothers, and why on earth would you think you are in a position to know that this is what's in their hearts and how they treat their kids? I go to several support groups for parents of transing kids, and I don't believe this describes any mother I know. I'm sorry if this is the world you live in.
Your words: "More often than not, boys who do this had close relationships with mothers who adored them."
I'm talking about the same mothers you are.
I have as much right to generalize about those mothers as you do. I did, just like you did.
It's interesting that you find my generalization problematic, but not yours. The reality is that you know as little about them as I do.
But let's say that your take represents one end of the spectrum, and mine represents the other. Real mothers, real parents lie somewhere between those extremes, yes?Sometimes we adore them. Sometimes we treat them in ways we regret that make them shut us out and keep secrets.
I can think of no other motivation for a child to keep secrets from a parent other than that they are afraid of the parent's reaction.
What makes children afraid of their parents? Past experience.
So, to the extent that children keep secrets from their parents, I think that's an argument in favor of my theory, rather than yours.
I believe children are born innocent. They didn't bring depravity into the world with them. Unless of course you believe in Original Sin. In which case I would say, no wonder the kid doesn't trust the parent enough to show themselves fully.
Thanks again for sharing this. My 9-year-old daughter is on the precipice of this hell-world of transness. Her mother let her watch Youtubers who play Roblox. Sounds innocent enough, right? Nope. Some of these game-playing YTers identify as non-binary, as I learned when I researched it. Then her school started teaching gender curriculum. Did you know that liking to play with trucks means you might be a boy? (eyeroll) Now the 9-year-old wants to be a "they/them". Hopefully she'll grow out of it....
My one hope is that whatever comes, she doesn't feel like she must keep secrets from me. Where does serious secret-keeping start? With shame, in my opinion.
I believe children are innocent, and have no reason to feel shame. May we all aspire to never give them a reason to want to keep secrets from us.
Heh - based on the criteria of liking to play with trucks - I should be a man now!! And possibly even more manly since I also played with Hot Wheels and played tackle football with another girl in her backyard! We were both Tomboys… only she grew up and came out as lesbian, whereas I had a mad crush on her older brother and lots of other boys! Smh 🤦🏼♀️
In case anyone's having trouble believing that a grade school would be teaching such a regressive and simplistic curriculum, here it is:. The State calls it "Pink Blue Purple".
Unfortunately, I didn’t know ROGD was a thing until it was already too late. My child had become hostile and secretive, and I tried to give him his space and stay cheerful, thinking this was the sort of teenaged rebellion that teens of my generation went through and came out of after a year or two. It’s a completely different world now.
Yep. It's becoming increasingly clear that not paying attention to what they do on the internet is like sending them off to an all-ages, 24-hour, no-rules party with no chaperone and no curfew. Yikes.
It sounds like he might be gay. I hope you are prepared to accept and make space for that possibility. It isn't necessary to go trans just because you're gay, especially if you can find self acceptance.
I’m so sorry you have this story to write. It does help all of us going through this trans devastation in our families. I hope that this is not the conclusion but something can pull him out of the cult.
Of the year and a half I’ve been in this nightmare, I wonder if my mental state will ever be back to the pre-trans days. Even if my daughter broke free of the cult, will I always be worried she might slip back in? If I ever am lucky enough to have grandkids, will I worry about their future too?
I know I have to relinquish control and try to enjoy the present but the rumination bit claws it’s way back in my brain.
Sorry this happened to your family. I think it is very possible to be trans and live a productive and happy life, but it can also be self indulgent and delusional for other people. Everyone is different. I would say the main problem your son is facing is the drug abuse and possibly a criminal lifestyle. It sounds like there was some grooming going on too in his early teens which couldn't be helpful. I wish you the best and I hope your son saves himself.
It's times like this, even if you weren't remotely religious, one is forced to acknowledge that Satan really exists in this world. Some things, when you see them playing out you just know there's an evil force driving it.
I weep for you and your lost son. But please never lose him completely: do you best to keep track of where he is living and his contact details. Somewhere, deep inside him, he knows that you are still his mother.
The one takeaway, I suppose, is that adults have somehow gotten it in their heads that their minor children have any right to privacy. They don't. If weird packages are showing up from God-knows-where, you are within your legal and moral rights to open up that sucker and see what's inside. The ostrich approach helps no one :(
Boy you made an absolutely ridiculous assumption. Stop being snarky. How about write an article for PITT with your productive ideas, rather than lambasting other parents? How do you take away the internet pw when your child is doing HW for school on their laptop, for instance? Now, that would actually be helpful information.
Google is your friend. Parental control software and hardware features have been on the market for decades. As have articles in online magazines going over the various offerings available and their pros and cons. And computer stores with savvy folks who can install and set it up. And online resources to help you operate it.
Where there is a will, there is a way. We can do it!
I'm very sorry for your situation. I'm certain your son was groomed into his "trans" identity.
Wearing dresses and makeup does not turn a man into a woman. Nor does taking cross-sex hormones or having surgery.
{{ "I can think of no other motivation for a child to keep secrets from a parent other than that they are afraid of the parent's reaction.
What makes children afraid of their parents? Past experience." }}}
Perhaps I am one in eight billion but that was not so in my case. My not telling my mother I had been sexually abused had nothing to do with fearing her or her reaction. She was a strong capable loving open-minded single mom. I didn't want attention drawn to me, I didn't want to have to relate details of what had been done to me because few people and about zero children want to lose their privacy that way. Also as a child you have no clear idea of WHAT might happen in the after-effects of an earth-shaking revelation, regardless of if you have incredibly loving and wise parents or not. Life could be rough, I knew, and as a fiercely independent sort I filed the experiences under "Life's Tough" and felt confident that I could properly process what happened to me by myself.
But you are a human being. We are social animals above all. Your mother or siblings are the closest people in your life. Telling them what happened can help you. It really can.
I appreciate the sentiment, and of course I would want my own children to come to me with anything negative that is going on in my life.
Each situation is different in terms of telling parents. In my case, I was molested once by my mother's brother, who was ten years old at the time (I was seven). He had recently lost their mom suddenly to heart disease. It's a very uncomfortable memory for me but by the time I was a little older and realized that what he had done to me was wrong, there was no logical benefit to be had to telling my mother. I did wrestle with what if anything I should do if he ever had daughters; fortunately he had two sons. He, too, died very early, age 47, also of heart disease.
In the second instance, Jay, a friend of my mother's who had come to visit a few times (mom was very social) and played his guitar for the group. I was fascinated with the guitar--always wanted to learn more--and the bastard took advantage of that. I was ten and was alone all day for weeks while recuperating from a fall (that's a whole other story). One leg was in a cast and also one arm (broken wrist). Jay came to visit and keep me company a few times, with my mother's permission--she was pretty naive I guess. He brought his guitar and found excuses to give me "chest massages." That was as far as it went and I never told my mom. Not sure why it stopped but maybe it was because I went back to school when the leg cast came off. We also moved soon after and I never saw Jay again, so I saw no need to tell my mom how he had creeped me out.
We have two grown kids, a son and a daughter, and without terrifying them I talked to them from the time they could talk about how to recognize all kinds of bad/scary situations, and how to react if anything like that ever started to happen to them. One thing my husband and I emphasized was that they had a 100% pass on their own behavior if they found themselves in a bad situation; to call us and we would drop everything and immediately come pick them up. Once when she was about ten years old and on one of her first sleep-overs, she had the mom call us at one in the morning. Her friend had one sibling, an older brother, and when the girls in their bedroom that night, the brother came in, started a fight with his sister, and then physically attacked her. He was like 14 or 15. That really was some scary shit and we're so happy to this day that she understood that his behavior wasn't OK and that we would come get her. I feel really badly for that little girl because I don't think she had any protection from her parents.
My eldest went trans at her school aged 15 and since then developed a narcissistic controlling personality. When I voiced concerns after believing her for two years she totally turned against me and started bullying me. Just before Christmas she had me arrested at night on multiple allegations.
She has my 13 year old daughter whose school now use pronouns.
I remember early days at the park, the three of them together playing with friends.
How has it come to this utter destruction.
Each one of these stories posted at PITT have some element that is relatable and I know we are all desperately trying to piece together just what went wrong, how it happened and when. The one thing all stories have in common is that overwhelming sense of loss that never quite leaves us and a complete lack of understanding and support from outside this echo chamber. Ugliness, dishonesty, immorality and a lack of accountability permeate our lives now and our children's lives. Last night I was watching an episode of "All Creatures Great and Small." It was a Christmas episode, finale of season one. I cried, it was just so beautiful. The people, common culture, beauty, love. It's no wonder these kids today are so completely lost. They will most likely never experience such things.
Wow, that’s harsh! I’m sure that happens in some cases, but why would you assume that it is widespread? Do you have some kind of evidence? I research the ROGD phenomenon constantly and I’ve never come upon a professional who makes such an assertion about mothers of ROGD kids.
We don't know that this poor woman's son was ROGD. And I'm not sure why you would assume that the idealized scenario you outlined is widespread?
These are your words:
More accurate to say the mothers adored their idealized vision of their son and expressed disdain and disgust whenever the son departed from that, leading to the son suppressing anything and everything about themselves except that perfect ideal projection - until they couldn't suppress it anymore due to the strong urges that puberty brings.
What mothers are you talking about?! Why do you think it's ok to bash other mothers, and why on earth would you think you are in a position to know that this is what's in their hearts and how they treat their kids? I go to several support groups for parents of transing kids, and I don't believe this describes any mother I know. I'm sorry if this is the world you live in.
Your words: "More often than not, boys who do this had close relationships with mothers who adored them."
I'm talking about the same mothers you are.
I have as much right to generalize about those mothers as you do. I did, just like you did.
It's interesting that you find my generalization problematic, but not yours. The reality is that you know as little about them as I do.
But let's say that your take represents one end of the spectrum, and mine represents the other. Real mothers, real parents lie somewhere between those extremes, yes?Sometimes we adore them. Sometimes we treat them in ways we regret that make them shut us out and keep secrets.
I can think of no other motivation for a child to keep secrets from a parent other than that they are afraid of the parent's reaction.
What makes children afraid of their parents? Past experience.
So, to the extent that children keep secrets from their parents, I think that's an argument in favor of my theory, rather than yours.
I believe children are born innocent. They didn't bring depravity into the world with them. Unless of course you believe in Original Sin. In which case I would say, no wonder the kid doesn't trust the parent enough to show themselves fully.
Thanks again for sharing this. My 9-year-old daughter is on the precipice of this hell-world of transness. Her mother let her watch Youtubers who play Roblox. Sounds innocent enough, right? Nope. Some of these game-playing YTers identify as non-binary, as I learned when I researched it. Then her school started teaching gender curriculum. Did you know that liking to play with trucks means you might be a boy? (eyeroll) Now the 9-year-old wants to be a "they/them". Hopefully she'll grow out of it....
My one hope is that whatever comes, she doesn't feel like she must keep secrets from me. Where does serious secret-keeping start? With shame, in my opinion.
I believe children are innocent, and have no reason to feel shame. May we all aspire to never give them a reason to want to keep secrets from us.
Heh - based on the criteria of liking to play with trucks - I should be a man now!! And possibly even more manly since I also played with Hot Wheels and played tackle football with another girl in her backyard! We were both Tomboys… only she grew up and came out as lesbian, whereas I had a mad crush on her older brother and lots of other boys! Smh 🤦🏼♀️
In case anyone's having trouble believing that a grade school would be teaching such a regressive and simplistic curriculum, here it is:. The State calls it "Pink Blue Purple".
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/dge2a30qi05brxw/AADZE5YRB-DViEZ-eiLQ1yoYa/By%20the%20end%20of%20Grade%202?amp%3Bamp%3Bpreview=3Rs-NJ_PinkBluePurple.pdf&%3Bamp%3Bsubfolder_nav_tracking=1&dl=0&preview=3Rs-NJ_PinkBluePurple.pdf
that teaching curriculum is incredibly regressive & also confusing.
Teaching kids stereotypes? and to base their identities on stereotypes?
CEDAW, the major international human rights treaty for women's rights, has the goal of ENDING the power of gender stereotypes.
This curriculum re-enforces stereotypes & teaches kids to live by them.
Makes me want to vomit. And makes me angry. New Jersey should die of shame.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know ROGD was a thing until it was already too late. My child had become hostile and secretive, and I tried to give him his space and stay cheerful, thinking this was the sort of teenaged rebellion that teens of my generation went through and came out of after a year or two. It’s a completely different world now.
Yep. It's becoming increasingly clear that not paying attention to what they do on the internet is like sending them off to an all-ages, 24-hour, no-rules party with no chaperone and no curfew. Yikes.
New comment written.
You bear responsibility for giving him access to internet (so porn, social media, etc) that had set him on this path.
Try keeping kids off the internet when every school requires them to have it.
There are ways to monitor and restrict if needed. It's not easy, but our kids are worth it.
What are these ways? Please share for everyone if you have good methods!
“No you can’t have the password to the Internet”.
There’s this wonderful website on the Internet called “Google”. Go to it and enter “parental control apps“.
But really, the first thing you need to do is decide you want to try. Where there is a will, a parent will find a way.
Where there is a sniveling Internet troll on the other hand, there will be snarky comments professing ignorance of the obvious.
Which one are you, I wonder…
It sounds like he might be gay. I hope you are prepared to accept and make space for that possibility. It isn't necessary to go trans just because you're gay, especially if you can find self acceptance.
I’m so sorry you have this story to write. It does help all of us going through this trans devastation in our families. I hope that this is not the conclusion but something can pull him out of the cult.
Of the year and a half I’ve been in this nightmare, I wonder if my mental state will ever be back to the pre-trans days. Even if my daughter broke free of the cult, will I always be worried she might slip back in? If I ever am lucky enough to have grandkids, will I worry about their future too?
I know I have to relinquish control and try to enjoy the present but the rumination bit claws it’s way back in my brain.
Thinking of you
Sorry this happened to your family. I think it is very possible to be trans and live a productive and happy life, but it can also be self indulgent and delusional for other people. Everyone is different. I would say the main problem your son is facing is the drug abuse and possibly a criminal lifestyle. It sounds like there was some grooming going on too in his early teens which couldn't be helpful. I wish you the best and I hope your son saves himself.