My thoughts on estrangement

Sometimes it’s up to you to go get them

My family suffered through the estrangement of our trans-identified son. He left home, sending us a text with the parting request to never contact him again. It lasted 14 long and painful months. Knowing he was out there but not knowing where or if he was safe was brutal. Those months made my confidence about being a parent change. It made me doubt everything. It made me question everything.

But our son came back to us. I read the Joshua Coleman book on estrangement and followed his suggestion to write a letter of atonement. We did and got one of our son’s friends to deliver it to him. Still, we never heard a word. And his friend would not reveal where our son was or how to get in touch with him.

Our minds were filled with desperation, we hired a private investigator to track him down. This PI was a friend of someone we know and he works to reunite families. The PI located our son and suggested we write another letter, which he would personally deliver.

Here is what we wrote…….

Hey …,
We love you and miss you. We are hoping there is a way to bridge the gap between us. I know you wouldn’t have cut off contact unless it was the healthiest thing for you to do. That said, we want to try to address what has happened and see if we can make a new start.

It’s clear that when you announced your desire to transition that we responded poorly. We were scared and we could see how that caused you to feel unsupported, even unloved for a decision that was monumental. We can also see how that could have looked like an expression of prejudice on our part, and how you might have thought we were transphobic.

Maybe you feel we never supported your decisions in life in a way that you needed, we have a lot to learn about how to be a better parent to you, but we are committed to doing that if you’ll let us. If you want to write and tell us more about how you’re feeling about us, our relationship, our past, or anything else, we promise to read it from the perspective of learning and not in any way to defend ourselves. Or, if you’d want to have family therapy, we’d be grateful to do that.

We love you very much,

Mom and Dad

When the private investigator took the letter to him our son got very angry. He told the PI that we were stalking him and that, if we didn’t leave him alone, he’d take out a a restraining order against us. We heard nothing back from him. But that didn’t stop my husband and I from reaching out to him. He was our child and we were going to fight for him.

I wrote a third letter to him. I realized I’d do anything to have him in my life again. This is the letter I wrote…..

Dear …,

It’s coming up on a year since we last talked.

I just want to say I’m sorry I drove you away. I’m sorry I repeated what my mom did to me by pushing her religion on me. I pushed my religion on you. For that I’m sorry. I know how that feels and I'm sorry that my past created a wedge between us. I’m sorry I was selfish, It was wrong how I acted.

I’ve used this time to work on myself and become a better person. I am able to accept you no matter what. You’re my child and you will always be my child no matter who you are. I’m proud of you no matter what.

Please give me another try? It’d be great to hear from you. We were close. I’m my old boomer self again. We did have laughs and fun. I miss you terribly. I miss your cute personality, I miss your humor, and your wonderful sense of adventure. I know you might still be angry and I understand. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.

I’ve learned my lesson. You leaving me was the last thing I wanted. I am better. I want the best for you and I trust the decisions you make for yourself. I won’t stand in your way.

I love you no matter what, and I will always love you. That’s a fact. You are loved. Your family misses you.

Love you always,

Mom

I recently discovered that our son responded to that letter. He drafted a reply but never sent it.

Hey mom I'm doing really well how about you?

I'm calling to let you know that you mean a lot to me and I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I was younger and I didn't really know better, but I do now. I still have some things I need to sort out on my own, so I'm going to stay no contact for a while, but I promise I'll come back in a few years to make amends and create a working relationship.

So, I know he heard me and believed me. A few months later, he said he no longer identified as trans and asked to move home. He told me my letter to him had helped but that he didn’t know to make the next move. He said he wanted to contact us but was not sure how to do it. My husband went to where he lived and, this time, our son agreed to talk with him. He needed us to make the first move.

I often thought, before he came home, that I would not let him live with us again. He had been so cruel. But he was very apologetic and asked us to give him another chance to prove himself. It was as if no time had lapsed and we were back to normal. He was his old self. I never thought that would happen since he had changed beyond recognition when he was trans-identified.

Not everyone will be able to reconcile with their child, but I encourage you to try. Write letters or leave bread crumbs so they have a path to come home. They may have blocked you, try dialing #67 before the number and leave a message or talk to them if they pick up. My husband would call him using this method. My son was angry at first, but my son later told us he was happy to hear his dad’s voice. He was mad I didn’t care enough to call him. Don’t let the possibility of rejection stop you. It may take time before they are ready, so don’t give up. Build a golden bridge so they can return. Create a change in you so they will want to return. They may not initiate contact but they might be receptive if you do. You can also learn how to talk to your child who may have a mental illness. Find a way to communicate with them so they feel heard and understood.

If you have a story of reconciliation to share, even if it doesn’t come with desistance or detransition, please consider sharing with PITT parents.