The thing that hurts most is how these posts can "PITT" us against each other. I, like many of you, have done all these things and still my heart grieves. I have sent cards and sometimes gotten a nasty reply (folks tell me this is a good thing because any reply means he still cares). I have sent the 'atonement' letters. I have been light and easy and supportive, all the things I have always been for him. I am so happy for this family that their child returned and seems to have some sense that what he did was painful and is willing to heal things. Some of us aren't this 'lucky'. Are we doing it 'wrong'? Are we the ones some writer said are 'mentally ill' and 'horrible people'. There is NO one right answer, no balm, no cure. Unfortunately there are therapists making money off of our pain. Sure they have good intentions but they really don't know what will work and what is happening. Sometimes one gets lucky and it's even nice sometimes to feel like we did something, or didn't do something, to make them come back. Let's be kind to one another. No one knows why this has happened to us and no one has the magic key, no therapist really knows. If you find a good one they will simply sit with your pain so you aren't alone in it. Nothing they 'advise' you is based in any thing other than opinion.
First, the good stuff. Thank you for sharing. I am happy that you and your son have reconciled. Sun Tzu's notion of a golden bridge is not the same at William Ury's conception in the article you linked. The core notion, however, is the same: if you back your opponent into a corner with no escape, he will fight to the death because he has nothing to lose. This laxity is useful to keep in mind. Because the essence of transgender ideology is baseless and insane, it is all too easy and all too tempting to attack on all fronts. On the other hand, I read through all 71 comments posted at the time of my reading and the vast majority hold the position that as parents they tried their best and have nothing to apologize for. Further, most parents feel that truth, honesty, and integrity are virtues worth keeping. I agree. The only thing I can give my delusional son is his father never gave up, never abandoned science and rationality, and never wavered in wanting the best for him. Estrangement, an abusive girlfriend, a delusional self-identity, drugs, an eternal adolescence without growing up—these are not what is best for my son. I know it. And, honestly, I think deep inside, he knows it too.
I think the term Coleman uses, “letter of atonement”, is problematic for many parents. Atonement means to make reparation for a wrong or injury. At face value, I also have a visceral reaction to being asked to do that. I have neither injured nor harmed my child. On the contrary, we did everything we could to protect him and prevent harm or injury. But, Coleman is not saying that we have caused our kids an injury or harm. What he’s saying is that the kids feel that we have done that. The author of this piece acknowledged that her son felt injured and harmed by his parents. The letters acknowledged some wrong doing, such as the way the parents reacted and talked to their son. I also have been guilty of that wrong. At no point do the parents apologize for not affirming and they’re not telling their son that they will now affirm him. I don’t know if this type of letter would help to reconnect us with our son. I don’t think so. However, I’m not beyond trying to write such a letter to him. I will apologize for where I know I’ve wronged him. I’ve done that verbally but not in a formal letter. I will not apologize for not affirming and for trying to protect him.
Honestly I believe these young suddenly trans kids know deep down they have picked up their behavior via friends, social media, etc. They know they are self diagnosing to get their drugs. I think Coleman's approach (while it might work anyway) is only working because it is the bridge back that is needed. I never apologized. How could I - for not allowing her to inject testosterone and cut her breast off? Hello? The bridge though was in construction on day 1 and our doors always open. Truth and love was all I had to give.
I think the problem I have with this is that no one, including Coleman, knows what our kids are feeling. Their reasons are not always the same and there is no basis for this opinion. I would be leery of anyone who tells me what my child is thinking or feeling if they have never met them. Like many of you my son just left and I never got that 'letter' telling me why. Talking to other kids who have estranged themselves and extrapolating that all kids feel the same as that kid isn't wise. I think folks like Coleman have excellent intentions and they want to help and when we work with them we feel as if we are doing something. Doing nothing, sitting and waiting is so, so hard. Until my child is sitting in front of me and telling me what is happening I am only guessing and so is Coleman.
Thank you we have been praying for wisdom. Our daughter is going on two years of no contact and we have been advised to just leave her alone. My mothers heart just can't let her destroy herself without a fight . My belief is love never fails but how to love her now is where I desperately need wisdom, strength and hope.
I agree with many of the responses to this article. While it's fantastic news that it worked out for you and that your son is back, I will never again grovel to my daughter.
I've written her a handful of deep and meaningful letters over the last two and a half years, and have apologised for how I reacted to the situation. I have offered her my perspective, asked for hers and have told her that the door is always open. I've had two angry letters in return, accusing me of ridiculous things in her childhood (eg. I apparently sent her to school with mouldy strawberries, ugh!!!)
I'm done. I'm sick of being treated like the evil witch. She unblocked me from WhatsApp recently so I continue to send her breadcrumbs every so often, but I refuse to get back into the gender argument or pretend that everything was my fault. It wasn't.
This is so hard to read. I have to believe that you didn’t sincerely mean all the things you said in your apology letter. And it’s hard to think about writing a letter like that when you don’t feel you did anything wrong. But, you have your child back, and those people who are here commenting that they could never write such a letter don’t.
I’m fortunate that my trans-identified daughter hasn’t cut us off even though we don’t use her chosen name and pronouns. But I’m facing a dilemma about whether to write a similar letter in a different family situation. I don’t honestly believe I did most of the things wrong that I’ve been accused of and so the letter wouldn’t be very sincere. But maybe I should write it anyhow. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and some examples of what a successful apology letter looks like. Thanks for sharing.
I’m so happy for your positive outcome and that Dr.Coleman’s approach worked for you. That’s wonderful news! Your love for your son is beautiful.
Unfortunately, I have not had the same experience. We’re all different with different situations and different kids. Oh that there was one secret formula that worked for all of us!
My son is a young adult. I have attempted to make amends many times for the things I can truly own and take responsibility for. Yes, I made mistakes as his mom and I can apologize and seek forgiveness for those things. But I cannot own what isn’t mine, the re-written history, the accusations. I won’t apologize for speaking truth as he grew up in our home. I can’t apologize for raising him with morals. I can’t apologize for not affirming him.
I have done all I know to maintain my relationship with my son while maintaining my own integrity. I have continued to reach out to him in spite of his angry response. I have had to accept that any interaction with me at all is met with rage and is therefore not helpful. (This is so far from the young man he once was.) Recently, he asked me to stop trying to reach him and with reluctance, I agreed. Repair to our relationship remains elusive. I’m sad about that, but I have to let go for now and pray that one day he will come out of this transgender ideology darkness and recognize the truth that he is truly an amazing young man and his dad and I have always loved him and wanted the best for him. I have to trust that God will give him the strength and courage to find his way back to us when he realizes the truth, even if he is feeling shame and regret. And of course, I pray that I am also ready for the day he comes home, to respond with compassion and forgiveness and love. I pray that day is soon. In the meantime I can hold onto the hope I have that we are one day closer. God is my strength, and my hope.
I’m glad I came back to read the comments. I appreciate so much of what you have written. My husband and I have had zero contact these past 10 years and what haunts me at times is the thought that perhaps he wants out and we haven’t taken the necessary measures, whatever they may be. You remind me that our kids have been deceived and believe us to be the enemy. I rest in that hope too that God will give our son the strength and courage to find his way back when that time comes. Were it not for that strength and hope found in Him, this ambiguous loss would have destroyed me. God is faithful.
I am so sorry for what you and your husband have been going through these past 10 years with your son, FHLmom. So sorry, it’s heartbreaking. 😢
I also contemplate how my son might find his way out. Right now, I am thankful that he is turning his anger outward, to me rather than inward on himself. I pray that when he wakes up, he would remember where he can find peace again, that he will find his faith in God again.
This transgender madness is also so hard on marriages, as we navigate the grief and trauma, acknowledging we respond to trauma differently, we grieve differently. We will get through this. Together. God is faithful. 🙏🏻❤️
I could not help my eyes from watering while I read your story. Your deep love for your son is obvious. I wish he had sent you his reply message, it might have helped ease your guilt. How can parents not feel guilty when their child abandons them, their home, and their upbringing? I think all parents, deep down inside, question their parenting skills even if they do not have a trans-gender influenced child. My daughter is an alcoholic and drug addict, now in recovery for almost 7 years. I beat myself up plenty of times when she was out of control using and thought about the "what ifs", and all the "should have" thoughts. I did my best, I was a good mother, and I loved her unconditionally, but there were times when I just gave up, looked away, and stopped caring because it was easier. It was exhausting to continue pleading and begging and crying for her to stop. To get help. She finally did but she had to hit rock-bottom first and that was very painful for those of us who watched this happen. She is now a certified drug and alcohol counselor and will soon get her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. She took what was broken about herself and glued it back together, polished it and painted it, and now wants to share that new creation with other people who are also damaged. I am very proud of her.
However, to be honest here, I am not sure that if she had gotten caught up in the trans-ideology instead and suddenly wanted to become a boy, left home, cut off all contact with me, took cross-sexed hormones, had top surgery, changed her name, ruined her soft voice because it deepened, maybe grew a beard or became bald and then one day wanted to reconnect with me... I am not sure that I could have reconnected or even survived that ordeal.
Watching what my sister and brother-in-law went through for years with their handsome, smart and gifted son who suddenly announced he was trans was so incredibly painful. Reading these heartbreaking stories on this sub stack makes me grateful in a very selfish way that I dealt with addiction instead of transgender. To all of you who have lost a child to this evil-cult in one way or another, you are braver and stronger than I ever could be. I support you and stand by you. You did not cause this to happen to your child any more than I caused what happened to my child.
I pray that your child will return to you, if that is your heart's desire, or that your child will contact you, or that your child will desist or detransition. No matter what happens, I hope you find the peace you need, and that it brings healing.
I think the trans stuff is its own kind of addiction. Two sides of the same coin. That's what I've been telling the few friends I can talk to about this: I feel like I have a drug addicted son. I don't think the pain you went through is any less than ours. Just different. The feeling of utter loss and helplessness I imagine is universal.
The trouble with saying you support your child's decisions is that you obviously don't. Your child will see right through this smokescreen. You have to find a way to keep your integrity and communicate honestly. Let your child know you miss him and want him to resume contact, but don't add to his perception that you were in the wrong.
Your post touches on one of the many awful struggles that the trans infection inflicts on parents. I have had to face that my love is conditional. I cannot love the now dominant part of my son that is his trans obsession mental illness, which has submerged him into a mind-and-body-destroying pathetic life. So, though I ache for my precious son every day, I cannot offer the sort of letter of acceptance you have written. My unconditional love is for my REAL son who has been stolen by the trans illusory bullshit and all its enablers. To gaslight my son is to gaslight myself. If I sacrifice truth, my son and I are both swallowed by a poisonous evil ideology. Sometimes I feel like a rat in a maze with rotton cheese at every choice point. When I feel especially trapped in the pain of this terrible ambiguous loss, I try to lean into gratitude for blessings that remain in my life. I hate the trans cult with every fiber of my being. And I hate hating .... along with stealing children, the trans cult inflicts emotions that twist up the parents.
If you truly loved someone you would want the absolute best for them, this path is known to all of us, Men and Women have different versions of this same path because or our inherent, unchangeable, sex differences. The path to happiness, fulfillment, purpose, longevity is well known and similar. The roads to ruin and destruction are many and varied.
I'm sorry but this was a painful read. You have to be able to stand on the courage of your convictions and what is true and right even if people hate you for it. I am very happy for the happy ending you had, however.
Beautiful story with a happy ending! What a gift. Amazing and very humble letters your wrote and I’m so glad it all worked out. Unconditional love is a very hard thing to resist.
I'm curious, OP - when you sent those letters, especially the last one, were you willing to call your son your daughter, use his new name and pronouns, and cheer on transition (if he hadn't ended up changing his mind)? I think that is an important data point in understanding this dynamic and how you ended up with a happy ending - many congratulations, by the way.
I have read some of Joshua Coleman's stuff. Like another commenter here, while I am happy to apologize for anything we did that contributed to a less than positive dynamic (and I have already done that at times), I will not apologize for telling the truth. And I will not compromise on that, because for me personally, the truth is all we really have in this fight, you know?
My daughter is 20 and we are still in contact, but I expect that once she's done taking money from us for college, she will go no contact. We have stressed numerous times that we can disagree on this and still be a family; we will always try to keep the bridge open and never be the ones to break contact with her. Whether she will come around at all remains to be seen.
Thank you for sharing what worked for you and fit your situation. If what you are sharing helps one parent to reconnect with their child, then you have succeeded. Sadly, however, from what I have experienced and witnessed; this kind of "penitence" on the part of the parent; or holding out a "golden bridge" as you say, sending messages of care and love, will rarely if ever, change the situation of estrangement from an adult child who has lost their way, and may also have mental problems on top of being in the Trans/Cult. Prayer for their soul, trusting in God's plan, acceptance of my loss, and self-care, are ways that have helped me move forward out of sorrow and pain.
As I read this, I felt horribly guilty because I knew that I could not prostrate myself like this in front of my child, begging for forgiveness for crimes that I have not committed.
My child has given me years of abuse and put me through hell about this. Yes, he has severe ADHD and is possibly autistic but he’s also a narcissist and has always thought only of himself and had huge tantrums if anyone challenged him.
In the last two years I have really healed myself and come to terms with the fact that I have a new life now without my adult 34 year old child in it.
I personally don’t want him back unless he is no longer trans, no longer on drugs and has learnt to be considerate and sensitive to my feelings as well.
I hear you. Years of parental healing can be undone if we ask for a kid to come back to us when they are unwell and deep into the new identity. If they care nothing for the impact of their choices on the parent and family, it may not be good self-care to ask for their return. And they are often complete strangers in their new identity.
Not to mention that sheer horror of seeing my handsome masculine tractor driving son dressed up and acting as a woman. I would be completely traumatised.
Again, I’m so sorry. This whole thing is completely insane. I just can’t even begin to contemplate why so many people have been deceived into supporting this ridiculous trend, instead of clearly seeing it for the madness that it is.
Exactly. This is why I have avoided contact, to protect myself. The idea is horrifying and traumatizing enough, and he sent me pictures to kind of rub my face in his new identity... so I have seen him, in a way. As a mother, it goes against everything in me to be in this situation where I cannot see him, love on him, help him. But until there is some change on his part, some turning, I don't see what choice we have but to pray and wait. We've written the letters. We've said all the things. It is entirely in God's hands, and He is able to do all that we can't.
I have repeated the a mantra thousands of times "I never thought something like this would happen one of my children" I still cant believe it is happening after over 8 years. Like, how can this be my life?
The thing that hurts most is how these posts can "PITT" us against each other. I, like many of you, have done all these things and still my heart grieves. I have sent cards and sometimes gotten a nasty reply (folks tell me this is a good thing because any reply means he still cares). I have sent the 'atonement' letters. I have been light and easy and supportive, all the things I have always been for him. I am so happy for this family that their child returned and seems to have some sense that what he did was painful and is willing to heal things. Some of us aren't this 'lucky'. Are we doing it 'wrong'? Are we the ones some writer said are 'mentally ill' and 'horrible people'. There is NO one right answer, no balm, no cure. Unfortunately there are therapists making money off of our pain. Sure they have good intentions but they really don't know what will work and what is happening. Sometimes one gets lucky and it's even nice sometimes to feel like we did something, or didn't do something, to make them come back. Let's be kind to one another. No one knows why this has happened to us and no one has the magic key, no therapist really knows. If you find a good one they will simply sit with your pain so you aren't alone in it. Nothing they 'advise' you is based in any thing other than opinion.
First, the good stuff. Thank you for sharing. I am happy that you and your son have reconciled. Sun Tzu's notion of a golden bridge is not the same at William Ury's conception in the article you linked. The core notion, however, is the same: if you back your opponent into a corner with no escape, he will fight to the death because he has nothing to lose. This laxity is useful to keep in mind. Because the essence of transgender ideology is baseless and insane, it is all too easy and all too tempting to attack on all fronts. On the other hand, I read through all 71 comments posted at the time of my reading and the vast majority hold the position that as parents they tried their best and have nothing to apologize for. Further, most parents feel that truth, honesty, and integrity are virtues worth keeping. I agree. The only thing I can give my delusional son is his father never gave up, never abandoned science and rationality, and never wavered in wanting the best for him. Estrangement, an abusive girlfriend, a delusional self-identity, drugs, an eternal adolescence without growing up—these are not what is best for my son. I know it. And, honestly, I think deep inside, he knows it too.
I think the term Coleman uses, “letter of atonement”, is problematic for many parents. Atonement means to make reparation for a wrong or injury. At face value, I also have a visceral reaction to being asked to do that. I have neither injured nor harmed my child. On the contrary, we did everything we could to protect him and prevent harm or injury. But, Coleman is not saying that we have caused our kids an injury or harm. What he’s saying is that the kids feel that we have done that. The author of this piece acknowledged that her son felt injured and harmed by his parents. The letters acknowledged some wrong doing, such as the way the parents reacted and talked to their son. I also have been guilty of that wrong. At no point do the parents apologize for not affirming and they’re not telling their son that they will now affirm him. I don’t know if this type of letter would help to reconnect us with our son. I don’t think so. However, I’m not beyond trying to write such a letter to him. I will apologize for where I know I’ve wronged him. I’ve done that verbally but not in a formal letter. I will not apologize for not affirming and for trying to protect him.
Honestly I believe these young suddenly trans kids know deep down they have picked up their behavior via friends, social media, etc. They know they are self diagnosing to get their drugs. I think Coleman's approach (while it might work anyway) is only working because it is the bridge back that is needed. I never apologized. How could I - for not allowing her to inject testosterone and cut her breast off? Hello? The bridge though was in construction on day 1 and our doors always open. Truth and love was all I had to give.
I think the problem I have with this is that no one, including Coleman, knows what our kids are feeling. Their reasons are not always the same and there is no basis for this opinion. I would be leery of anyone who tells me what my child is thinking or feeling if they have never met them. Like many of you my son just left and I never got that 'letter' telling me why. Talking to other kids who have estranged themselves and extrapolating that all kids feel the same as that kid isn't wise. I think folks like Coleman have excellent intentions and they want to help and when we work with them we feel as if we are doing something. Doing nothing, sitting and waiting is so, so hard. Until my child is sitting in front of me and telling me what is happening I am only guessing and so is Coleman.
Thank you we have been praying for wisdom. Our daughter is going on two years of no contact and we have been advised to just leave her alone. My mothers heart just can't let her destroy herself without a fight . My belief is love never fails but how to love her now is where I desperately need wisdom, strength and hope.
I agree with many of the responses to this article. While it's fantastic news that it worked out for you and that your son is back, I will never again grovel to my daughter.
I've written her a handful of deep and meaningful letters over the last two and a half years, and have apologised for how I reacted to the situation. I have offered her my perspective, asked for hers and have told her that the door is always open. I've had two angry letters in return, accusing me of ridiculous things in her childhood (eg. I apparently sent her to school with mouldy strawberries, ugh!!!)
I'm done. I'm sick of being treated like the evil witch. She unblocked me from WhatsApp recently so I continue to send her breadcrumbs every so often, but I refuse to get back into the gender argument or pretend that everything was my fault. It wasn't.
I'm so sorry. It's so disheartening to hear what stuff our kids dredge up from the past and equate with abuse or neglect or narcissism.
This is so hard to read. I have to believe that you didn’t sincerely mean all the things you said in your apology letter. And it’s hard to think about writing a letter like that when you don’t feel you did anything wrong. But, you have your child back, and those people who are here commenting that they could never write such a letter don’t.
I’m fortunate that my trans-identified daughter hasn’t cut us off even though we don’t use her chosen name and pronouns. But I’m facing a dilemma about whether to write a similar letter in a different family situation. I don’t honestly believe I did most of the things wrong that I’ve been accused of and so the letter wouldn’t be very sincere. But maybe I should write it anyhow. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and some examples of what a successful apology letter looks like. Thanks for sharing.
I’m so happy for your positive outcome and that Dr.Coleman’s approach worked for you. That’s wonderful news! Your love for your son is beautiful.
Unfortunately, I have not had the same experience. We’re all different with different situations and different kids. Oh that there was one secret formula that worked for all of us!
My son is a young adult. I have attempted to make amends many times for the things I can truly own and take responsibility for. Yes, I made mistakes as his mom and I can apologize and seek forgiveness for those things. But I cannot own what isn’t mine, the re-written history, the accusations. I won’t apologize for speaking truth as he grew up in our home. I can’t apologize for raising him with morals. I can’t apologize for not affirming him.
I have done all I know to maintain my relationship with my son while maintaining my own integrity. I have continued to reach out to him in spite of his angry response. I have had to accept that any interaction with me at all is met with rage and is therefore not helpful. (This is so far from the young man he once was.) Recently, he asked me to stop trying to reach him and with reluctance, I agreed. Repair to our relationship remains elusive. I’m sad about that, but I have to let go for now and pray that one day he will come out of this transgender ideology darkness and recognize the truth that he is truly an amazing young man and his dad and I have always loved him and wanted the best for him. I have to trust that God will give him the strength and courage to find his way back to us when he realizes the truth, even if he is feeling shame and regret. And of course, I pray that I am also ready for the day he comes home, to respond with compassion and forgiveness and love. I pray that day is soon. In the meantime I can hold onto the hope I have that we are one day closer. God is my strength, and my hope.
I’m glad I came back to read the comments. I appreciate so much of what you have written. My husband and I have had zero contact these past 10 years and what haunts me at times is the thought that perhaps he wants out and we haven’t taken the necessary measures, whatever they may be. You remind me that our kids have been deceived and believe us to be the enemy. I rest in that hope too that God will give our son the strength and courage to find his way back when that time comes. Were it not for that strength and hope found in Him, this ambiguous loss would have destroyed me. God is faithful.
I am so sorry for what you and your husband have been going through these past 10 years with your son, FHLmom. So sorry, it’s heartbreaking. 😢
I also contemplate how my son might find his way out. Right now, I am thankful that he is turning his anger outward, to me rather than inward on himself. I pray that when he wakes up, he would remember where he can find peace again, that he will find his faith in God again.
This transgender madness is also so hard on marriages, as we navigate the grief and trauma, acknowledging we respond to trauma differently, we grieve differently. We will get through this. Together. God is faithful. 🙏🏻❤️
I could not help my eyes from watering while I read your story. Your deep love for your son is obvious. I wish he had sent you his reply message, it might have helped ease your guilt. How can parents not feel guilty when their child abandons them, their home, and their upbringing? I think all parents, deep down inside, question their parenting skills even if they do not have a trans-gender influenced child. My daughter is an alcoholic and drug addict, now in recovery for almost 7 years. I beat myself up plenty of times when she was out of control using and thought about the "what ifs", and all the "should have" thoughts. I did my best, I was a good mother, and I loved her unconditionally, but there were times when I just gave up, looked away, and stopped caring because it was easier. It was exhausting to continue pleading and begging and crying for her to stop. To get help. She finally did but she had to hit rock-bottom first and that was very painful for those of us who watched this happen. She is now a certified drug and alcohol counselor and will soon get her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. She took what was broken about herself and glued it back together, polished it and painted it, and now wants to share that new creation with other people who are also damaged. I am very proud of her.
However, to be honest here, I am not sure that if she had gotten caught up in the trans-ideology instead and suddenly wanted to become a boy, left home, cut off all contact with me, took cross-sexed hormones, had top surgery, changed her name, ruined her soft voice because it deepened, maybe grew a beard or became bald and then one day wanted to reconnect with me... I am not sure that I could have reconnected or even survived that ordeal.
Watching what my sister and brother-in-law went through for years with their handsome, smart and gifted son who suddenly announced he was trans was so incredibly painful. Reading these heartbreaking stories on this sub stack makes me grateful in a very selfish way that I dealt with addiction instead of transgender. To all of you who have lost a child to this evil-cult in one way or another, you are braver and stronger than I ever could be. I support you and stand by you. You did not cause this to happen to your child any more than I caused what happened to my child.
I pray that your child will return to you, if that is your heart's desire, or that your child will contact you, or that your child will desist or detransition. No matter what happens, I hope you find the peace you need, and that it brings healing.
I think the trans stuff is its own kind of addiction. Two sides of the same coin. That's what I've been telling the few friends I can talk to about this: I feel like I have a drug addicted son. I don't think the pain you went through is any less than ours. Just different. The feeling of utter loss and helplessness I imagine is universal.
Yes, it is very much like an addiction. The drugs and social love-bombing are powerful.
The trouble with saying you support your child's decisions is that you obviously don't. Your child will see right through this smokescreen. You have to find a way to keep your integrity and communicate honestly. Let your child know you miss him and want him to resume contact, but don't add to his perception that you were in the wrong.
Your post touches on one of the many awful struggles that the trans infection inflicts on parents. I have had to face that my love is conditional. I cannot love the now dominant part of my son that is his trans obsession mental illness, which has submerged him into a mind-and-body-destroying pathetic life. So, though I ache for my precious son every day, I cannot offer the sort of letter of acceptance you have written. My unconditional love is for my REAL son who has been stolen by the trans illusory bullshit and all its enablers. To gaslight my son is to gaslight myself. If I sacrifice truth, my son and I are both swallowed by a poisonous evil ideology. Sometimes I feel like a rat in a maze with rotton cheese at every choice point. When I feel especially trapped in the pain of this terrible ambiguous loss, I try to lean into gratitude for blessings that remain in my life. I hate the trans cult with every fiber of my being. And I hate hating .... along with stealing children, the trans cult inflicts emotions that twist up the parents.
I hate them with all my heart also. I sometimes say Psalm 109 when I think of what the rainbow cult did to us
If you truly loved someone you would want the absolute best for them, this path is known to all of us, Men and Women have different versions of this same path because or our inherent, unchangeable, sex differences. The path to happiness, fulfillment, purpose, longevity is well known and similar. The roads to ruin and destruction are many and varied.
I'm sorry but this was a painful read. You have to be able to stand on the courage of your convictions and what is true and right even if people hate you for it. I am very happy for the happy ending you had, however.
Beautiful story with a happy ending! What a gift. Amazing and very humble letters your wrote and I’m so glad it all worked out. Unconditional love is a very hard thing to resist.
I'm curious, OP - when you sent those letters, especially the last one, were you willing to call your son your daughter, use his new name and pronouns, and cheer on transition (if he hadn't ended up changing his mind)? I think that is an important data point in understanding this dynamic and how you ended up with a happy ending - many congratulations, by the way.
I have read some of Joshua Coleman's stuff. Like another commenter here, while I am happy to apologize for anything we did that contributed to a less than positive dynamic (and I have already done that at times), I will not apologize for telling the truth. And I will not compromise on that, because for me personally, the truth is all we really have in this fight, you know?
My daughter is 20 and we are still in contact, but I expect that once she's done taking money from us for college, she will go no contact. We have stressed numerous times that we can disagree on this and still be a family; we will always try to keep the bridge open and never be the ones to break contact with her. Whether she will come around at all remains to be seen.
I know OP. The answer is no. Parents never used nor would have used fake names, pronouns or agreed that he was a woman.
Thanks :)
Thank you for sharing what worked for you and fit your situation. If what you are sharing helps one parent to reconnect with their child, then you have succeeded. Sadly, however, from what I have experienced and witnessed; this kind of "penitence" on the part of the parent; or holding out a "golden bridge" as you say, sending messages of care and love, will rarely if ever, change the situation of estrangement from an adult child who has lost their way, and may also have mental problems on top of being in the Trans/Cult. Prayer for their soul, trusting in God's plan, acceptance of my loss, and self-care, are ways that have helped me move forward out of sorrow and pain.
As I read this, I felt horribly guilty because I knew that I could not prostrate myself like this in front of my child, begging for forgiveness for crimes that I have not committed.
My child has given me years of abuse and put me through hell about this. Yes, he has severe ADHD and is possibly autistic but he’s also a narcissist and has always thought only of himself and had huge tantrums if anyone challenged him.
In the last two years I have really healed myself and come to terms with the fact that I have a new life now without my adult 34 year old child in it.
I personally don’t want him back unless he is no longer trans, no longer on drugs and has learnt to be considerate and sensitive to my feelings as well.
I hear you. Years of parental healing can be undone if we ask for a kid to come back to us when they are unwell and deep into the new identity. If they care nothing for the impact of their choices on the parent and family, it may not be good self-care to ask for their return. And they are often complete strangers in their new identity.
Not to mention that sheer horror of seeing my handsome masculine tractor driving son dressed up and acting as a woman. I would be completely traumatised.
Oh I can relate. I can barely look at my once beautiful daughter.
Again, I’m so sorry. This whole thing is completely insane. I just can’t even begin to contemplate why so many people have been deceived into supporting this ridiculous trend, instead of clearly seeing it for the madness that it is.
Exactly. This is why I have avoided contact, to protect myself. The idea is horrifying and traumatizing enough, and he sent me pictures to kind of rub my face in his new identity... so I have seen him, in a way. As a mother, it goes against everything in me to be in this situation where I cannot see him, love on him, help him. But until there is some change on his part, some turning, I don't see what choice we have but to pray and wait. We've written the letters. We've said all the things. It is entirely in God's hands, and He is able to do all that we can't.
As I would be seeing my daughter bare chested, showing her scars and with facial hair and a deep voice
I’m sorry. It’s just so awful. How could we ever have imagined such a thing when we gave birth to them?
I have repeated the a mantra thousands of times "I never thought something like this would happen one of my children" I still cant believe it is happening after over 8 years. Like, how can this be my life?
It was unimaginable then and also now.