No Contact

What trans activists tell our kids

“No contact” is a new phrase pushed by indoctrinators on Facebook and TikTok. The narrative pushes the notion that, if your family does not affirm your trans identity, you must separate from them. There are also sites like The Trevor Project - which was recommended at my son’s school, and probably at most schools - that persuade youth to pick chosen family and allies over their own family. People who coach children to separate from their families used to be called predators, but now they are pushed as good LGBTQ allies.

I have, unfortunately, experienced “no contact” firsthand when my son, at 18 decided to go “no contact” with us. I’m trying to understand how this happened. Was it the negative treatment he received because he was the most active boy in his class? Was it shame over the constant teacher notes, or the behavior meetings about why he couldn’t keep his hands to himself or stop wrestling the other boys in class. Did he feel singled out? Was it because of the bullying in middle school? Did he seek out an answer online when high school was socially challenging and didn’t feel like he fit in? Was the trans identity his way of coping with rejection and loneliness instead of accepting his ADHD or ASD traits?

How do these anti-parent voices penetrate through to our children? There are lots of vectors, it turns out: pornographic books in school libraries, drag queens teaching sex classes—even school assemblies featuring trans women, like at my son’s middle school. My son came home asking questions. My husband thought nothing of it at the time. Why would he, it was a school-sponsored event and therefore okay? But this encounter planted an idea in my son’s head.

This idea was not in his head as a child. This did not come from some organic innate place, this was true indoctrination, social contagion, or mass hysteria. As a child I could not get him to go into the women’s public bathroom with me at a very early age. He fought me about this. He would crawl out of the restroom stall and run into the men’s room as early as three. I would have to gather my things and try to run after him, other women would sometimes help me and chase after him. I’d call into the men’s room or run in myself to find him happily there. He couldn’t wait until he was old enough to go into the men’s room by himself. I let him go alone much earlier than other parents.

He embraced being a boy. He loved being the last born male of all male cousins on my husband’s side. He loved getting his first shaver and my husband teaching him to shave. He loved the fact that he was going to be very tall. We would measure his height often. He loved being one of the tallest in his class. When the trans cloud struck him, he hated that he kept getting taller and we were no longer permitted to measure him. He loved video games and playing with his male friends. He never had female friends. I never imagined that there would be porn or trans ideas embedded into all these video games. How naive I was. It didn’t occur to me that anime would plant the next idea. I thought anime was innocent.

The thought that he never wants to talk to me or see me again has profound effects on my psyche. I tried to give him a magical childhood; maybe I even spoiled him. I now know that a magical childhood, where children do not experience discomfort, makes adolescence more difficult and unfathomable, as explained in Stella O’Malley’s new book, What Your Teen Is Trying to Tell You. I had a tough childhood because of my father’s alcoholism and gambling addiction, and my mother joining a cult-like church that took over her life. There was a divorce, money issues, and a scandal.

I wanted my son to have a great childhood, unlike mine. And he did. We gave him all the things my husband (also from a broken home), and I wished we’d had as children. Plenty of kids were spoiled throughout history, including many I know, but they are not estranged from their families. Even though my parents said no at times, and despite my difficult childhood and their problems, I would never cut my parents out of my life.

I wish I could re-do the moments when trans first hit my household. I rehash everything that happened, but I did the best I could. There is no way to navigate something you were not prepared for. How could anyone be prepared for this? His reasons for saying he was trans made no sense to me and I pushed back. Besides, if I had pretended to go along with his new magical thinking—he would have known I wasn’t sincere.

I also said no to him, but this NO to transition deemed me abusive, and reinforced the “no contact” idea in my son’s head. I’m sure I made mistakes, as all parents do, but there isn’t a mistake I made that deserves “no contact.”