No Grief Allowed

I wrote this piece after visiting with a mom who recently learned her son had been identifying as trans (and ordering hormones from Russia) for the past two years. A flood of emotions came out in that call. It reminded me of how very difficult it is to process the grief of this madness.  Here is my story published last year.

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I recently heard a sermon where the preacher explained that the words of Jesus, when he heard of Lazarus’s death, would be more accurately described as: “Jesus quaked with rage” rather than “Jesus wept.” The day I received the news of our “dead” son in that crammed university office, there were staff present with counterfeit smiles making sure that I didn’t “quake with rage.” They remained mostly silent. Perhaps a letter such as this might have saved me a lot of confusion. 

___________________________________________________________________________

 Dear Parent, 

Today is the day to celebrate the coming out of your “daughter!” The day to rejoice in the fact that your child has found their “true self.” 

We would like to take this time to inform you that some confused parents mistake this joyous occasion for a grievous one. Please allow us to help you sift through these misguided emotions. First, it must be understood that the child you thought you knew never really existed. Don’t allow this to upset you as we, the experts, know you and your child better than you do. There is no need to process any unpleasant emotions because we will tell you exactly how you should feel. 

We strongly advise you begin by removing any pictures that would suggest your son existed. Posting any memories from their past on social media is strongly frowned upon. Even if it’s the last picture you have of your child. (Estrangement does happen but only if you fail to follow the rule book we have yet to share with you.) All of these images represent the wrong body your child was once trapped in. To share these images in any way will be extremely offensive. 

If you have feelings of shock, anger, pain, and/or depression you must understand that these feelings are not only unacceptable, but transphobic and selfish. 

You may be tempted to refer to your child by the wrong gender. Or even worse, “dead name” them. In order to assist you in avoiding this, we have equipped family and friends to help you fight these errors. They have been persuaded to counter your missteps, however well intended, with rebuke, shame, complete silence, or, if those fail to educate you, to cut you out of their lives. If any thoughts or memories surface, be sure to keep them to yourself and all will be well. 

We are in favor of parent support but only if it comes in the form of affirmation. There will be no tolerance for discussion of the so-called “abundance” of mounting evidence of the harm medical transitioning can cause and the accompanying decline of the individual’s mental health. We all know the measures we prescribe are “lifesaving.” 

We expect you will fully embrace this new identity without question, but if you don’t, beware, you will be the cause of your child’s distress. If they die by suicide, it will be your fault. 

Lastly, we would like to assure you that we are looking out for you and your loved one and will be placing reminders to that effect everywhere. We are making every effort to fully care for your child as our own. 

 Sincerely, 

 The Gender Ideologues 

“You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.” Psalm 71:20.21