This is a not a desistance story—this is a middle of the road story. Or, maybe this is just a journey story, as there is no road and there is no end. My Son is 17. It’s been almost a year since my son announced, at the age of 16, that he was transgender.
Here in a CA suburb I see so many teen girls wanting to be boys, but not the other way around. I’m surrounded by my teen girls’ friends who are almost all non-binary, gay, trans or somewhere in the LGBTQ community. It’s not statistically possible. I’m so thankful that my friend had been reading about all of this and clued me in or I would have been even more confused and blindsided than I already was when I found out this wasn’t just happening in society, it was happening to my own family! We got into the rabbit hole of “it’s polite to call people ‘they’” and “gender is a social construct” and “it’s always been this way throughout history” yet my homeschooler couldn’t tell me where she learned these things. I’m happy that one daughter immersed herself in her passions and the other, who got involved through the Dream SMP Minecraft world, decided to pull away from all of her friends since they were intensely affecting her emotions negatively with all their internal pain, external tics, and drama. It’s odd how it all intensified through the end of in-person social time caused by the pandemic response, yet it’s now being helped by the end of in-person social time.
We are 7 months in with my 13 year old boy, and seem to be waiting for my nearly 16 year old daughter to come out as trans too. (Along with the 12 year old 'non binary' daughter - and they say it's not a social contagion) i just don't know how to find a exploratory therapist, locally we seem to only have gender affirming... I've spent the day in pieces.
Hang in there. My only advice (not that you really need any because it seems like you’re doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances) is that he’s 17, and not anywhere close to physiological, emotional, neurological maturity but you are, so don’t forget that.
Thank you for so eloquently sharing your journey. I can relate and your words are so helpful. It makes me feel less alone in a community of almost exclusively affirming and cheerleading mothers and doctors.
I can relate to so much of this, you are almost describing my son right down to behaviour and interests. We have yet to find a therapist but that is definitely something we are considering.
I wish you all the luck that you can safely navigate this difficult time and hope that we, and many others, can emerge out the other side with our children (and ourselves) relatively unscathed.
You can do this. I have done it 3 times now and it seems to me that what our children are really looking for is reassurance that if they did that we would still love and accept them. We can tell them this and show them in many different ways, but until they understand that they will continue. It was like a giant fantasy for my children, almost as though they wanted me to believe that they were going to run away and join the circus but they still wanted help with their homework.
If he is truly transgender, he knows you love him very deeply and you have done an amazing job. However, I think that your suggestion about neuromaturity is extremely important and should certainly be stressed more by medical and psychological practitioners.
I am sure your children will be wonderful human beings, well done.
It’s like you read my mind and are living my story! Thank you for stating it so well and giving me hope for my daughter! I want my little girl back, but I know it takes time.
I think the ideology will crash against reality and sooner is better. Thinking you are something you will never be...keep fighting, keep fact based on biology and thousands of years of epistemology. 17 year old boy thinking he is a girl, is just impossible. The differences between male and female cannot be wished away or grafted on. Best to love yourself the way you were born and make the best of what you were given rather than forever dream you are something you will never be and force that insanity onto all of us.
Thank you for your story. It's good that the therapist is on side and not rushing to "affirm". And that your son is still close to you, you get the credit for that, dont be to hard on yourself about not being a good listener... Its not surprising you'd find it hard to listen to ideas that you feel are just not true.
Thank you for sharing from your heart with this beautifully written post. You mention loosing your footing as a parent and him loosing his footing as a young man. This is the core of all these problems, the question of how we find identity in the first place. Lack of live, face to face, interdependent community is a big problem, and our brave new world of technologically-inspired isolation is proving harmful for human flourishing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I especially recognise the ‘compartmentalising’ of the gender issue (you see nothing of it at home, yet the therapist tells you your son still thinks he’s a girl). I recently heard a therapist on a podcast comparing this phenomenon to working with anorectics, who can present as intelligent, sensitive and in every way ‘normal and adjusted’ except for that one little corner of their brain which tells them they’re obese when in fact they are dangerously underweight. As a father of an otherwise intelligent, funny, inquisitive 18-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, I find this is supremely frustrating (and incomprehensible). It sounds like your therapist is on your side, though, and is willing to give your son however much time it takes to mature and discover who he is without medicalising his confusion.
Is your son on the autism spectrum? I’m just curious. The two seem to go hand in hand. It was the mention of Minecraft that made me think of it.I have been thinking recently that it’s so hard to really have insight into our own personalities. It’s so difficult as to make identifying as anything, let alone trans suspect. It’s only with time and distance that we can have those insights. And maybe it’s harder for autistic people?
Beautifully written. I hope we can save our children from this irreversable damage-both physically and mentally. No parent should have to fight like this to keep their children close and stable from people who are on a radical mission or have a new job coined Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Director making more money than teachers and brainwashing everyone.
Here in a CA suburb I see so many teen girls wanting to be boys, but not the other way around. I’m surrounded by my teen girls’ friends who are almost all non-binary, gay, trans or somewhere in the LGBTQ community. It’s not statistically possible. I’m so thankful that my friend had been reading about all of this and clued me in or I would have been even more confused and blindsided than I already was when I found out this wasn’t just happening in society, it was happening to my own family! We got into the rabbit hole of “it’s polite to call people ‘they’” and “gender is a social construct” and “it’s always been this way throughout history” yet my homeschooler couldn’t tell me where she learned these things. I’m happy that one daughter immersed herself in her passions and the other, who got involved through the Dream SMP Minecraft world, decided to pull away from all of her friends since they were intensely affecting her emotions negatively with all their internal pain, external tics, and drama. It’s odd how it all intensified through the end of in-person social time caused by the pandemic response, yet it’s now being helped by the end of in-person social time.
So beautifully written, thank you.
We are 7 months in with my 13 year old boy, and seem to be waiting for my nearly 16 year old daughter to come out as trans too. (Along with the 12 year old 'non binary' daughter - and they say it's not a social contagion) i just don't know how to find a exploratory therapist, locally we seem to only have gender affirming... I've spent the day in pieces.
Hang in there. My only advice (not that you really need any because it seems like you’re doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances) is that he’s 17, and not anywhere close to physiological, emotional, neurological maturity but you are, so don’t forget that.
Thank you for so eloquently sharing your journey. I can relate and your words are so helpful. It makes me feel less alone in a community of almost exclusively affirming and cheerleading mothers and doctors.
I can relate to so much of this, you are almost describing my son right down to behaviour and interests. We have yet to find a therapist but that is definitely something we are considering.
I wish you all the luck that you can safely navigate this difficult time and hope that we, and many others, can emerge out the other side with our children (and ourselves) relatively unscathed.
Thank you so much for sharing.
You can do this. I have done it 3 times now and it seems to me that what our children are really looking for is reassurance that if they did that we would still love and accept them. We can tell them this and show them in many different ways, but until they understand that they will continue. It was like a giant fantasy for my children, almost as though they wanted me to believe that they were going to run away and join the circus but they still wanted help with their homework.
If he is truly transgender, he knows you love him very deeply and you have done an amazing job. However, I think that your suggestion about neuromaturity is extremely important and should certainly be stressed more by medical and psychological practitioners.
I am sure your children will be wonderful human beings, well done.
It’s like you read my mind and are living my story! Thank you for stating it so well and giving me hope for my daughter! I want my little girl back, but I know it takes time.
I think the ideology will crash against reality and sooner is better. Thinking you are something you will never be...keep fighting, keep fact based on biology and thousands of years of epistemology. 17 year old boy thinking he is a girl, is just impossible. The differences between male and female cannot be wished away or grafted on. Best to love yourself the way you were born and make the best of what you were given rather than forever dream you are something you will never be and force that insanity onto all of us.
Author: would you be open to being interviewed on my podcast? If so, you can contact me at stoicmom@substack.com
Good work, mama. My son’s story is almost identical. It’s a journey and the later chapters are yet to be written.
Thank you for your story. It's good that the therapist is on side and not rushing to "affirm". And that your son is still close to you, you get the credit for that, dont be to hard on yourself about not being a good listener... Its not surprising you'd find it hard to listen to ideas that you feel are just not true.
Thank you for sharing from your heart with this beautifully written post. You mention loosing your footing as a parent and him loosing his footing as a young man. This is the core of all these problems, the question of how we find identity in the first place. Lack of live, face to face, interdependent community is a big problem, and our brave new world of technologically-inspired isolation is proving harmful for human flourishing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I especially recognise the ‘compartmentalising’ of the gender issue (you see nothing of it at home, yet the therapist tells you your son still thinks he’s a girl). I recently heard a therapist on a podcast comparing this phenomenon to working with anorectics, who can present as intelligent, sensitive and in every way ‘normal and adjusted’ except for that one little corner of their brain which tells them they’re obese when in fact they are dangerously underweight. As a father of an otherwise intelligent, funny, inquisitive 18-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, I find this is supremely frustrating (and incomprehensible). It sounds like your therapist is on your side, though, and is willing to give your son however much time it takes to mature and discover who he is without medicalising his confusion.
Is your son on the autism spectrum? I’m just curious. The two seem to go hand in hand. It was the mention of Minecraft that made me think of it.I have been thinking recently that it’s so hard to really have insight into our own personalities. It’s so difficult as to make identifying as anything, let alone trans suspect. It’s only with time and distance that we can have those insights. And maybe it’s harder for autistic people?
Beautifully written. I hope we can save our children from this irreversable damage-both physically and mentally. No parent should have to fight like this to keep their children close and stable from people who are on a radical mission or have a new job coined Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Director making more money than teachers and brainwashing everyone.
A very interesting and calm insight. Good luck!