When my daughter was a few weeks old, she developed colic. Obviously in pain, she cried for hours. Since I was exclusively breastfeeding, I asked her pediatrician if my daughter could be reacting to something in my diet. The pediatrician dismissed the idea with a comforting yet condescending smile. "It’s unlikely to help and you need your nutrients. You can try changing your diet but..." Her tone trailing off, clearly to indicate that she was just humoring a worried new mom. "Just eat healthy and continue to breastfeed" she encouraged me. Her advice made no sense: How can what I eat NOT affect my baby? If I am consuming it, surely it is coming out in the milk. If it didn't matter, we wouldn't be advised against smoking, drinking, and prescribed medications. After doing some research on my own and some trial and error, I eliminated all "gassy" foods from my diet. Instead of proudly consuming legumes and multicolored (organic of course! Nothing but the best for my baby!) fruits and vegetables, I was surviving mostly on meat and iceberg lettuce.
My daughter's colic was clearly NOT MY FAULT but at the same time the result of SOMETHING I WAS DOING. While I should not have felt guilty for putting her through the pain, I certainly needed to take responsibility for her well-being and change something… Even if that something was generally considered good, healthy, and responsible.
When my daughter was 13 years old, she developed teen angst, the colic of adolescence. Obviously in pain, she cried for hours. A few months later she “came out as trans”. Her pediatrician and school counselor claimed that nothing can be done, and some children are just “born trans”, the advice that once again made no sense to me. Her behavior looked like rebellion, a healthy desire to individuate going off the rails, like an allergic reaction to my parenting. How can what we parents do NOT matter?
When our young teen children develop a trans identity, it is NOT OUR FAULT but at the same time a sign that we need to CHANGE SOMETHING WE ARE DOING. We need to change not necessarily because we are doing something wrong, but because what we are doing is not working for this particular child at this stage of the child’s life. Most breastfeeding moms can eat whatever they want with no detriment to their infants. Most parents of teens can be strict or lax, a bit over- or under-involved in the kids' lives, religious or secular, and the teens are none the worse for wear. But sometimes something goes wrong. Your baby has allergies or food sensitivities. Your teen is on the spectrum, is gay, extremely gender non-conforming, you have a personality mismatch , etc. And all of the sudden, what you are doing, what all the good parents around you are doing, what wise parenting books are telling you to do - is not working. It's not your fault, it's not fair, but you (me) need to figure out what it is and CHANGE SOMETHING. We can't just be victims of this evil cult; we have to fight back with all we've got.
In the comments, please share what changes worked for you, what didn't, what you wish you did differently (maybe it will help someone else).
Thank you for this. I appreciate the self-compassion approach. I spent a LOT of time early on wondering what I had done wrong to cause this turmoil in my child.
What I now believe (three years and a desisted child later) is that her confusion had nothing to do with me having a demanding career. It had nothing to do with how feminine or sporty I was. It had nothing to do with any of the things I blamed myself for.
We changed schools. Moved to a different country. Took away access to all social media. We leaned in hard with love. We have made some mistakes along the way, of course, but I believe our mini experiment (sample size of one) speaks volumes about the social contagion component.
Thank you for writing this important article. People have mistaken what I say publicly as blame when I discuss that parents need to repair their relationship with their child and may need to change their parenting style. I do not blame parents. They are just as much victims of this ideology as their children. We, the moms, already blame ourselves enough. I know I did. But self-blame and fear will not help you rescue your son or daughter out of this false belief system. I had to become the parent my daughter needed at that time. God bless all of the parents fighting this battle to save their children. I will not stop fighting for you.