When my daughter was a few weeks old, she developed colic. Obviously in pain, she cried for hours. Since I was exclusively breastfeeding, I asked her pediatrician if my daughter could be reacting to something in my diet. The pediatrician dismissed the idea with a comforting yet condescending smile. "It’s unlikely to help and you need your nutrients.
I lost a daughter to the trans cult. She has mental illness issues, which isn't her fault or mine. But I do not use opposite sex pronouns or her new name. I can continue to hold my ground on reality even if she cannot. Of course she is angry with me about that. But I must hold onto reality even if she cannot. One of us needs to stay sane.
I was terrified that my transsexual husband would corrupt our two young children (then 10 and 12 years). He wanted to be their "sibling", taking no responsibility or lead as a protective father. He wanted to manipulate them into his belief that he was somehow both "Dad" AND someone who was their contemporary AND their "friend". It was grooming. He had moved out, so he was only writing e-mails to them. I had their passwords because they were so young. I looked out for e-mails from him. I printed them out and we went through them line by line or word by word: "This is a lie, this is a half-truth, this is a manipulative statement". So I introduced them very early to textual analysis, and I established an emotional distance which saved them. In a couple of years they saw that he did nothing except whine self-pityingly and complain that they didn't reply quickly. He "forgot" the fact that HE had WALKED out on them He never offered to come to our home (I said that he was welcome provided he wore male clothes and behaved as a father to them). He sent tiny presents and made a huge fuss about them. He was emotionally very detached. This meant that our children could concentrate on their own lives and school work, instead of propping up his fragile self-worth. They have independant lives now, and both live in the US. Their father, my ex-H died two years ago. A fight for his estate is on-going. with his older son from a previous marriage. All this has been very time-consuming, exhausting, and has prevented me from doing anything except part-time work. I will be suing when there is enough momentum from a variety of victims, including transwidows, children of transitioners and, of course, detransitioners.
I used to blame myself, but not anymore. The invention of synthetic hormones, the internet, and social media – combined with a global pandemic -- none of that is our fault. Yes, some conservative families have fared better, but not all. My kids weren't caught up in this until their 20s. I couldn't I have prevented that, because I couldn't have foreseen that something so illogical would become a common belief. I'm hopeful the medicalization of ‘gender’ will end and that women’s rights will be respected again. But even if this happens, there are generational differences that will remain. Influencers are still telling young people to have nothing to do with their families of origin and to tear down all institutions. New movements and imaginary ‘religions’ are evolving in real time as we speak – just Google ‘tulpas’.
Yes the priorities in the teens need reevaluation when they go awry. In these Trans teens since the cult is so severe what seems to have high percent of success is to send these teens with or without you into the wilderness, to a farm, to a very poor place where lack of resources takes the priority, where WIFI does not exist. Since the world is aligned against the reality of biological men and women and affirmation care is the world priority parents must become therapists for their children, asking lots of questions, reviewing all types of information together, talking through this issue and never giving up.
I love that you're asking this question. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!
Because it's taking responsibility (even though it's not *all* on you - nor was your daughter's colic) and not just railing at the Evil Transgender/Activists. I think parents of trans kids need to take a hard look at progressive parenting, in which children are treated as little adults rather than the little people my mother considered my brother and I - *people* with feelings, wants, desires, and certain rights, but not *adults* - we were, after all, still children. So some self- and group-analysis is in order, I think, but also--and some are not going to like to hear this--maybe examine how conservative parents raise *their* kids, because research shows conservative kids have higher levels of happiness and joy in life (Jonathan Haidt) and a helluva lot fewer 'trans' kids, who are going to the same schools *your* kids got this nonsense from. How are conservative parents counteracting it? Or are they sending their kids to private schools? (They can't *all* be doing that.)
It doesn't mean conservative parents have ALL the answers--they don't, and I personally could testify to how conservative and especially conservative Christian parents can really screw their kids up--I've known *so many* over the years. BUT...just as progressive parents don't do everything right, or wrong, neither do conservative parents. I wonder how well they treat their gay kids, for example. Pretty sure it ain't easy to grow up gay in a conservative Christian household, still. But...at least their parents aren't butchering their genitals.
The other thing is is you can't control everything. There's still the cultic nonsense they get in the schools and from their peer groups and 'affirming' parents of their friends. Author, reading about your attempts to 'control' your daughter's colic indicate maybe you could have spent more time alleviating it than controlling it. Because I was a colicky baby (my brother wasn't) and I'm 60. So if they don't know *now* how to prevent colic, your best bet is to do what parents of yore did - hold the baby on your shoulder and rub its back. It doesn't always help but sometimes it does and it doesn't hurt!
I say these things NOT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR SELF-CRITICAL. I offer this as a 'post-mortem', which is what project managers in companies that do jobs for others. They built a house; installed a complex computer system; held a protest; whatever. The team sits down later and says, "What did we do right? What did we do wrong?" Especially if the project didn't go well. The point is not to beat yourselves up because you're awful, stupid, incompetent people, but to logically and rationally *analyze your mistakes*, *determine what you should do better next time*, and figure out a process everyone follows so you don't accidentally drop a load of bricks from a crane or take out the payroll system with the ERP implementation. The purpose is to continuously improve, not beat yourself (or others) up.
I'll be honest: I don't have kids but we have perspectives too, that you *can't* have *because* you've never had kids. I don't want to beat up parents and tell them they did a lousy job of raising their kids; you might have done a pretty damn good job all things considered and s/he still got sucked into the trans cult (and in the olden days, religious cults like the numerous Jesus ones, the Moonies, Jim Jones, etc.) (Christian CULTS, not mainstream Christian religions!) But I do encourage personal responsibility (it's the basis of my own Substack and a personal journey I myself am on) and being able to honestly critique ourselves with the intention of improving rather than abusing ourselves is incredibly important.
I have a question to all of you. How your kids' therapist are reffering to them? By real or chosen name? My daughter's therapist uses male name and pronouns and I dont like it but she insists that she has to do it to have a good relation with my daughter. And this is kind of rule. I dont like it and thinking about stopping therapy.
That is a huge red flag. We met with the therapist initially before she met with our daughter. She validated all our concerns, tsk-tsked the state of society along with us, assured us that their practice would never leap to affirming. We left so happy, feeling so heard.
The next work she met with our daughter for 15 minutes alone, slipped her a copy of “Genderquest,” a book that encourages children to look to the ladyboys of Thailand as role models and to “experiment” by cuddling up to their partners with strap-ons, as well as providing instructions on how to cut off people who challenge your views. I am so glad I asked to see the book before my child started reading it (although I bet it’s a staple in public school libraries.)
All I’m saying is that what therapists say to parents and what they say to our kids can be two very very different things, all in the name of creating a “good relationship.” We ended therapy with that practice before it even began. Not a chance if that kind of deception is going to happen.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Did you find another one? We finished therapy but I even dont start searching for another one because I'm sure it will be rhe same scenario.
We didn’t find another one. Well, we did, but she’s 18 now and the ball’s in her court to call this therapist. A lot of letting go happening at this stage.
No, she doesn’t live with us. She’s 18 and an adult now, she works and pays her own rent and bills. She could have gone to college but didn’t want to, and our rule with our children is that if you want to go to college, you need to have a clear plan and know how you’re going to pay for it. As of now, she’s working and supporting herself, checking in now and again.
We are here for her 100%, even if she chooses to go the route of medicalization. We won’t condone it, we’ll probably have to detach quite a bit more than we already have.
I really feel like detachment is what has saved my sanity and our other two children. We pray for her every day, we always use her given name and correct pronouns. If she wants to carry on her shenanigans, there’s really nothing we can do, and I suppose I’ve had to accept that in order to get some peace.
If she ever wanted to get away from affirming people, places and things, desist and start over, we’d do everything we could to facilitate that. I don’t know what else to say. I love my daughter, but I have to let go with love.
This is a bad sign. Our daughter's therapist did that too for about 3 years-- said same thing, that she had to develop a good relationship-- and yet to our knowledge they have NEVER discussed why she feels this way... none of the mental issues CAUSING her "gender" problem. And now our daughter has been on terosterone for a year and is planning for a full mastectomy and who knows what else. So this is a very bad sign and most likely a secular therapist "following the rules". :(
I was caught completely off guard when the trans madness turned our lives upside down. I didn't even know it was a thing affecting a vast number of kids. I had to start from scratch, doing research, and learning about this cult. This is our 6th year. Initially I blamed myself for a lot of things I did wrong. While grappling with what I did wrong or could have done better, internet exposure, is what I would say is the biggest influence on our kids. My pearl of advice with anyone with young kids, limit their time on the web and know what they are watching. Make them aware of the trans cult, and the dangers before they get hooked. Many schools are teaching this nonsense, get them out if you can, and into a different school, or homeschooling is even better. If you can't change schools lovingly guide them in the right way. Just as we warn kids not to cross a busy road or touch a hot stove, tell them that transgenderism is wrong. Affirm them as they are, tell them you are glad that they are a boy/girl. For trans identified kids take away the voices that influence them. Parents must also agree on the same issues. It doesn't help if the one spouse goes along and the other doesn't. Be firm, don't cave in, but be loving and supportive.
You may be reading my advice and thinking about the fact that you pray rather than the specific advice which I gave. I have a lot more feedback than just that to offer, not least of which is that disbelief in a universe of natural, knowable law, and belief in supernatural intervention and alterations of a miraculous nature are the beliefs which trans kids have taken fully to heart. So I suggest to refrain from modeling a belief in magical changes for that reason as well as for the essentially exploitative act of taking credit for someone else’s actions, thoughts, growths, realizations, etc. on the grounds that one has been hoping very hard for it. It may be the case that in working on yourself, your interactions with your child have been improved and your child responds positively. I really hope so. That is such a healthy thing to happen. You didn’t change her by praying, though.
I think you may be responding to the wrong concerned mom. I fully believe that part of the reason my child has improved is because of the changes in me. Those changes came about because of my faith.
I did get that impression, I was just being careful, and I'm sorry if I gave you a chilly impression in reply.
In checking to see whether the changes really are working for the other person, from their perspective, aren't you showing how to self evaluate, and how it can be done well? It seems that way to me.
I was just being cautious.
What I had in mind when I first commented is something different. It is, for example, the response to real-world concerns with an "I'll pray about it", instead of some concrete response or action. It takes someone's attempt to communicate about something real and immediate for them, and turns it into a platform for the parent's religion. As another example, it is the intrusive, narcissistic aspect of wanting to alter other people through prayer, or of using prayer and its performance to establish status within the group. It tries to attract God to show up with boons and favors. That mentality shows up in the Bible, too. I see none of that in what you're talking about.
It's true that, as I've shown elsewhere, I have some other, more general criticisms of Christianity or at least certain of its essential attributes as widely practiced. But, there are sects, and/or individuals, who manage to navigate those minefields pretty well. Minefields are not exclusive to Christianity, but I've been talking about what western kids encounter, not religions en masse.
I understand where you are coming from. I do think that the more a person really works out their faith in Christ the more they see their own brokenness and that the real change happens in themselves. Of course we pray for positive changes in our loved ones. What believing person would not want to see their loved one delivered from addiction, health issues etc. But action in the form of kindness, meeting others needs, serving others before our own needs is a tenant of the Christian faith. Faith without works is dead.
Ah, no, I am returning to my careful reserve. I am moving back somewhat beyond that, in fact.
Your children are not innately broken.
As I believe I've said elsewhere, the Christian faith's essential structure is organized around a belief that the human child is born fouled and is not wholly acceptable until it has submitted to participation in the human sacrifice ritual of Christ worship.
I am sure I've lost you already. But that is what the ritual is, even though it's cloaked over with the excuse that the sacrificial "lamb" had enough divinity within him to make him different, to make it not quite simply killing one of our own.
It is, of course, not possible for children to "accept" the human sacrifice ritual until they've grown old enough. The window of time between birth and attaining reason is exactly the window during which children need to know in their bones that their parents do not have any doubt whatsoever about their worth. The Christian religion persuades parents that their children's worth is contingent, at best, and quite often that their children's worth is simply absent and must be poured or stuffed into them from the outside. It does no good to protest that "we terrify and religify them because we love them". That's your excuse, but the experience isn't the love that's needed, developmentally.
Without truly unconditional and unveiled parental involvement and acceptance from birth to reason, yes, children do grow broken. But that's a condition that's imposed on them from the outside, by people acting in the name of their faith. Their faith creates the conditions it uses for its continued existence.
There's something darker in the picture as well. The symbolism of killing the highest ranked child stands in for killing any of the other children, which informs all of the children that their parents and their culture would kill them in order to achieve some goal, which in this case is to be closer to god.
It's dishonest to rationalize the Akedah away. Adults who are so inclined should know that no matter how hard they defend the central child-sacrifice myths, which are rooted in even older practices, the symbolism of the myth is experienced without rationalizing filters by the child being brought up religiously. The parent will kill the child in order to get closer to god, and the religion deems this good.
"Killing the child" can take place on top of a mountain all at once, or it can take place slowly, with the repeated instruction that the child is broken and their continued existence contingent on no instructions being received otherwise.
It's very easy for a parent to persuade a child that they're broken. It's impossible for that parent to dictate who or what that child will turn to as a result, whether it's to find people who will tell them that it's not true, or as a result of encountering people who offer a solution--"yes, you feel broken, but the solution is right here before you, you can step into this other skin".
Just as with anything else to do with religion, such as the method of prayer I mentioned earlier, the right to impose one's own beliefs on a person stops at the edges of one's own sin: the only person it's permissible to impose one's beliefs on is oneself. That includes the slow burn belief of being broken.
I'm not a parent, but I am a teen who was in the trans cult and got out of it. My parents gave me detransition stories to watch on YouTube. I didn't want to watch those vids, but my parents made a deal with me that if I watch a few detrans vids then they will watch trans "success stories". If you'd like to read my full story it's published on PITT with the title "They pushed me into this ideology and tried to keep me there forever". Hope this helps and good luck with your daughter!
Oh my that's awful, so you totally understand. It's insane how these people have completely brainwashed our kids! Stay strong....things are changing I just hope our girls dont physically harm themselves, this is already is taking a toll on their mental health.
I would not have supported my son going to University. He had a scholarship that paid for tuition and books, but if he had had to work to pay for his housing and food he would have had more self confidence and been happier. He also would have had less time on the internet. Even better if he had worked instead of going to school he would not have met the school therapist who told him he was trans, would not have had the school health system that put him on estrogen, and would not have had the “trans” club that supports his decisions.
I also wish we had attended a more conservative church.
I also wish I had frequently told him as a young child that boys cannot become girls or women, but frankly that never occurred to me.
I really believe proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Raise your child to have a relationship with Jesus and to know who they are in Him. Raise them to be happy with the sex God made them. I made the mistake of raising my daughter with religion not relationship, and I regret that. I was also ignorant about social media and it's power over our youth, never underestimate it.
What has helped me, and this may sound odd, is thinking of my son as my nephew. A young man I love and will be there for, yet not someone I am responsible for. Not someone whose failures reflect on me. He is 26, in year 5 of cross sex hormones. Not happier as a result. We never discuss gender topics. We have a great relationship. (There was a year of estrangement before I adopted my aunt-like stance). I have a seat at the table, should he ever waiver in his certainty that he is trans.
I have to say, from the many, many stories I’ve heard, there really is no wrong or right way to deal with this successfully. It is very very difficult in this technological age to parent when your kid has access to the entire world at their fingertips. Many grow up unscathed, but many do not. I would’ve been far more strict had I known the detriment unfettered access can bring. In hindsight I feel naive. But at the end of the day, they have made the choice & if you choose not to play along with their new identity & name, then that is your choice too & you must bear the loss. It’s a wrong form of ‘healthcare’ & all the enablers are no better.
I lost a daughter to the trans cult. She has mental illness issues, which isn't her fault or mine. But I do not use opposite sex pronouns or her new name. I can continue to hold my ground on reality even if she cannot. Of course she is angry with me about that. But I must hold onto reality even if she cannot. One of us needs to stay sane.
I was terrified that my transsexual husband would corrupt our two young children (then 10 and 12 years). He wanted to be their "sibling", taking no responsibility or lead as a protective father. He wanted to manipulate them into his belief that he was somehow both "Dad" AND someone who was their contemporary AND their "friend". It was grooming. He had moved out, so he was only writing e-mails to them. I had their passwords because they were so young. I looked out for e-mails from him. I printed them out and we went through them line by line or word by word: "This is a lie, this is a half-truth, this is a manipulative statement". So I introduced them very early to textual analysis, and I established an emotional distance which saved them. In a couple of years they saw that he did nothing except whine self-pityingly and complain that they didn't reply quickly. He "forgot" the fact that HE had WALKED out on them He never offered to come to our home (I said that he was welcome provided he wore male clothes and behaved as a father to them). He sent tiny presents and made a huge fuss about them. He was emotionally very detached. This meant that our children could concentrate on their own lives and school work, instead of propping up his fragile self-worth. They have independant lives now, and both live in the US. Their father, my ex-H died two years ago. A fight for his estate is on-going. with his older son from a previous marriage. All this has been very time-consuming, exhausting, and has prevented me from doing anything except part-time work. I will be suing when there is enough momentum from a variety of victims, including transwidows, children of transitioners and, of course, detransitioners.
One of the very best PITT posts I’ve ever read! Many thanks for this important perspective!
I used to blame myself, but not anymore. The invention of synthetic hormones, the internet, and social media – combined with a global pandemic -- none of that is our fault. Yes, some conservative families have fared better, but not all. My kids weren't caught up in this until their 20s. I couldn't I have prevented that, because I couldn't have foreseen that something so illogical would become a common belief. I'm hopeful the medicalization of ‘gender’ will end and that women’s rights will be respected again. But even if this happens, there are generational differences that will remain. Influencers are still telling young people to have nothing to do with their families of origin and to tear down all institutions. New movements and imaginary ‘religions’ are evolving in real time as we speak – just Google ‘tulpas’.
And the 4b movement. All we can do once they’re grown is pray and model. God bless.
Yes the priorities in the teens need reevaluation when they go awry. In these Trans teens since the cult is so severe what seems to have high percent of success is to send these teens with or without you into the wilderness, to a farm, to a very poor place where lack of resources takes the priority, where WIFI does not exist. Since the world is aligned against the reality of biological men and women and affirmation care is the world priority parents must become therapists for their children, asking lots of questions, reviewing all types of information together, talking through this issue and never giving up.
I love that you're asking this question. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!
Because it's taking responsibility (even though it's not *all* on you - nor was your daughter's colic) and not just railing at the Evil Transgender/Activists. I think parents of trans kids need to take a hard look at progressive parenting, in which children are treated as little adults rather than the little people my mother considered my brother and I - *people* with feelings, wants, desires, and certain rights, but not *adults* - we were, after all, still children. So some self- and group-analysis is in order, I think, but also--and some are not going to like to hear this--maybe examine how conservative parents raise *their* kids, because research shows conservative kids have higher levels of happiness and joy in life (Jonathan Haidt) and a helluva lot fewer 'trans' kids, who are going to the same schools *your* kids got this nonsense from. How are conservative parents counteracting it? Or are they sending their kids to private schools? (They can't *all* be doing that.)
It doesn't mean conservative parents have ALL the answers--they don't, and I personally could testify to how conservative and especially conservative Christian parents can really screw their kids up--I've known *so many* over the years. BUT...just as progressive parents don't do everything right, or wrong, neither do conservative parents. I wonder how well they treat their gay kids, for example. Pretty sure it ain't easy to grow up gay in a conservative Christian household, still. But...at least their parents aren't butchering their genitals.
The other thing is is you can't control everything. There's still the cultic nonsense they get in the schools and from their peer groups and 'affirming' parents of their friends. Author, reading about your attempts to 'control' your daughter's colic indicate maybe you could have spent more time alleviating it than controlling it. Because I was a colicky baby (my brother wasn't) and I'm 60. So if they don't know *now* how to prevent colic, your best bet is to do what parents of yore did - hold the baby on your shoulder and rub its back. It doesn't always help but sometimes it does and it doesn't hurt!
I say these things NOT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR SELF-CRITICAL. I offer this as a 'post-mortem', which is what project managers in companies that do jobs for others. They built a house; installed a complex computer system; held a protest; whatever. The team sits down later and says, "What did we do right? What did we do wrong?" Especially if the project didn't go well. The point is not to beat yourselves up because you're awful, stupid, incompetent people, but to logically and rationally *analyze your mistakes*, *determine what you should do better next time*, and figure out a process everyone follows so you don't accidentally drop a load of bricks from a crane or take out the payroll system with the ERP implementation. The purpose is to continuously improve, not beat yourself (or others) up.
I'll be honest: I don't have kids but we have perspectives too, that you *can't* have *because* you've never had kids. I don't want to beat up parents and tell them they did a lousy job of raising their kids; you might have done a pretty damn good job all things considered and s/he still got sucked into the trans cult (and in the olden days, religious cults like the numerous Jesus ones, the Moonies, Jim Jones, etc.) (Christian CULTS, not mainstream Christian religions!) But I do encourage personal responsibility (it's the basis of my own Substack and a personal journey I myself am on) and being able to honestly critique ourselves with the intention of improving rather than abusing ourselves is incredibly important.
I have a question to all of you. How your kids' therapist are reffering to them? By real or chosen name? My daughter's therapist uses male name and pronouns and I dont like it but she insists that she has to do it to have a good relation with my daughter. And this is kind of rule. I dont like it and thinking about stopping therapy.
That is a huge red flag. We met with the therapist initially before she met with our daughter. She validated all our concerns, tsk-tsked the state of society along with us, assured us that their practice would never leap to affirming. We left so happy, feeling so heard.
The next work she met with our daughter for 15 minutes alone, slipped her a copy of “Genderquest,” a book that encourages children to look to the ladyboys of Thailand as role models and to “experiment” by cuddling up to their partners with strap-ons, as well as providing instructions on how to cut off people who challenge your views. I am so glad I asked to see the book before my child started reading it (although I bet it’s a staple in public school libraries.)
All I’m saying is that what therapists say to parents and what they say to our kids can be two very very different things, all in the name of creating a “good relationship.” We ended therapy with that practice before it even began. Not a chance if that kind of deception is going to happen.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Did you find another one? We finished therapy but I even dont start searching for another one because I'm sure it will be rhe same scenario.
We didn’t find another one. Well, we did, but she’s 18 now and the ball’s in her court to call this therapist. A lot of letting go happening at this stage.
What's next? Does your daughter live with you? What are her plans? I cant livw thinking about future :( I think I have PTSD myself :(
No, she doesn’t live with us. She’s 18 and an adult now, she works and pays her own rent and bills. She could have gone to college but didn’t want to, and our rule with our children is that if you want to go to college, you need to have a clear plan and know how you’re going to pay for it. As of now, she’s working and supporting herself, checking in now and again.
We are here for her 100%, even if she chooses to go the route of medicalization. We won’t condone it, we’ll probably have to detach quite a bit more than we already have.
I really feel like detachment is what has saved my sanity and our other two children. We pray for her every day, we always use her given name and correct pronouns. If she wants to carry on her shenanigans, there’s really nothing we can do, and I suppose I’ve had to accept that in order to get some peace.
If she ever wanted to get away from affirming people, places and things, desist and start over, we’d do everything we could to facilitate that. I don’t know what else to say. I love my daughter, but I have to let go with love.
This is a bad sign. Our daughter's therapist did that too for about 3 years-- said same thing, that she had to develop a good relationship-- and yet to our knowledge they have NEVER discussed why she feels this way... none of the mental issues CAUSING her "gender" problem. And now our daughter has been on terosterone for a year and is planning for a full mastectomy and who knows what else. So this is a very bad sign and most likely a secular therapist "following the rules". :(
I'm very sorry, crying with you :(
I was caught completely off guard when the trans madness turned our lives upside down. I didn't even know it was a thing affecting a vast number of kids. I had to start from scratch, doing research, and learning about this cult. This is our 6th year. Initially I blamed myself for a lot of things I did wrong. While grappling with what I did wrong or could have done better, internet exposure, is what I would say is the biggest influence on our kids. My pearl of advice with anyone with young kids, limit their time on the web and know what they are watching. Make them aware of the trans cult, and the dangers before they get hooked. Many schools are teaching this nonsense, get them out if you can, and into a different school, or homeschooling is even better. If you can't change schools lovingly guide them in the right way. Just as we warn kids not to cross a busy road or touch a hot stove, tell them that transgenderism is wrong. Affirm them as they are, tell them you are glad that they are a boy/girl. For trans identified kids take away the voices that influence them. Parents must also agree on the same issues. It doesn't help if the one spouse goes along and the other doesn't. Be firm, don't cave in, but be loving and supportive.
You may be reading my advice and thinking about the fact that you pray rather than the specific advice which I gave. I have a lot more feedback than just that to offer, not least of which is that disbelief in a universe of natural, knowable law, and belief in supernatural intervention and alterations of a miraculous nature are the beliefs which trans kids have taken fully to heart. So I suggest to refrain from modeling a belief in magical changes for that reason as well as for the essentially exploitative act of taking credit for someone else’s actions, thoughts, growths, realizations, etc. on the grounds that one has been hoping very hard for it. It may be the case that in working on yourself, your interactions with your child have been improved and your child responds positively. I really hope so. That is such a healthy thing to happen. You didn’t change her by praying, though.
Prayer and faith changes people and circumstances.
I think you may be responding to the wrong concerned mom. I fully believe that part of the reason my child has improved is because of the changes in me. Those changes came about because of my faith.
I did get that impression, I was just being careful, and I'm sorry if I gave you a chilly impression in reply.
In checking to see whether the changes really are working for the other person, from their perspective, aren't you showing how to self evaluate, and how it can be done well? It seems that way to me.
I was just being cautious.
What I had in mind when I first commented is something different. It is, for example, the response to real-world concerns with an "I'll pray about it", instead of some concrete response or action. It takes someone's attempt to communicate about something real and immediate for them, and turns it into a platform for the parent's religion. As another example, it is the intrusive, narcissistic aspect of wanting to alter other people through prayer, or of using prayer and its performance to establish status within the group. It tries to attract God to show up with boons and favors. That mentality shows up in the Bible, too. I see none of that in what you're talking about.
It's true that, as I've shown elsewhere, I have some other, more general criticisms of Christianity or at least certain of its essential attributes as widely practiced. But, there are sects, and/or individuals, who manage to navigate those minefields pretty well. Minefields are not exclusive to Christianity, but I've been talking about what western kids encounter, not religions en masse.
I understand where you are coming from. I do think that the more a person really works out their faith in Christ the more they see their own brokenness and that the real change happens in themselves. Of course we pray for positive changes in our loved ones. What believing person would not want to see their loved one delivered from addiction, health issues etc. But action in the form of kindness, meeting others needs, serving others before our own needs is a tenant of the Christian faith. Faith without works is dead.
Ah, no, I am returning to my careful reserve. I am moving back somewhat beyond that, in fact.
Your children are not innately broken.
As I believe I've said elsewhere, the Christian faith's essential structure is organized around a belief that the human child is born fouled and is not wholly acceptable until it has submitted to participation in the human sacrifice ritual of Christ worship.
I am sure I've lost you already. But that is what the ritual is, even though it's cloaked over with the excuse that the sacrificial "lamb" had enough divinity within him to make him different, to make it not quite simply killing one of our own.
It is, of course, not possible for children to "accept" the human sacrifice ritual until they've grown old enough. The window of time between birth and attaining reason is exactly the window during which children need to know in their bones that their parents do not have any doubt whatsoever about their worth. The Christian religion persuades parents that their children's worth is contingent, at best, and quite often that their children's worth is simply absent and must be poured or stuffed into them from the outside. It does no good to protest that "we terrify and religify them because we love them". That's your excuse, but the experience isn't the love that's needed, developmentally.
Without truly unconditional and unveiled parental involvement and acceptance from birth to reason, yes, children do grow broken. But that's a condition that's imposed on them from the outside, by people acting in the name of their faith. Their faith creates the conditions it uses for its continued existence.
There's something darker in the picture as well. The symbolism of killing the highest ranked child stands in for killing any of the other children, which informs all of the children that their parents and their culture would kill them in order to achieve some goal, which in this case is to be closer to god.
It's dishonest to rationalize the Akedah away. Adults who are so inclined should know that no matter how hard they defend the central child-sacrifice myths, which are rooted in even older practices, the symbolism of the myth is experienced without rationalizing filters by the child being brought up religiously. The parent will kill the child in order to get closer to god, and the religion deems this good.
"Killing the child" can take place on top of a mountain all at once, or it can take place slowly, with the repeated instruction that the child is broken and their continued existence contingent on no instructions being received otherwise.
It's very easy for a parent to persuade a child that they're broken. It's impossible for that parent to dictate who or what that child will turn to as a result, whether it's to find people who will tell them that it's not true, or as a result of encountering people who offer a solution--"yes, you feel broken, but the solution is right here before you, you can step into this other skin".
Just as with anything else to do with religion, such as the method of prayer I mentioned earlier, the right to impose one's own beliefs on a person stops at the edges of one's own sin: the only person it's permissible to impose one's beliefs on is oneself. That includes the slow burn belief of being broken.
It sounds like you are still in contact?
I'm not a parent, but I am a teen who was in the trans cult and got out of it. My parents gave me detransition stories to watch on YouTube. I didn't want to watch those vids, but my parents made a deal with me that if I watch a few detrans vids then they will watch trans "success stories". If you'd like to read my full story it's published on PITT with the title "They pushed me into this ideology and tried to keep me there forever". Hope this helps and good luck with your daughter!
Desistors are our heros. We love you all, and love hearing from you. You give us hope, a ray of light at the end of this dark tunnel.
I’ll read it. Thank you for sharing your story. We need to hear more from detransitioners to bury this 🤬.
Oh my that's awful, so you totally understand. It's insane how these people have completely brainwashed our kids! Stay strong....things are changing I just hope our girls dont physically harm themselves, this is already is taking a toll on their mental health.
I would not have supported my son going to University. He had a scholarship that paid for tuition and books, but if he had had to work to pay for his housing and food he would have had more self confidence and been happier. He also would have had less time on the internet. Even better if he had worked instead of going to school he would not have met the school therapist who told him he was trans, would not have had the school health system that put him on estrogen, and would not have had the “trans” club that supports his decisions.
I also wish we had attended a more conservative church.
I also wish I had frequently told him as a young child that boys cannot become girls or women, but frankly that never occurred to me.
I really believe proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Raise your child to have a relationship with Jesus and to know who they are in Him. Raise them to be happy with the sex God made them. I made the mistake of raising my daughter with religion not relationship, and I regret that. I was also ignorant about social media and it's power over our youth, never underestimate it.
Me too
What has helped me, and this may sound odd, is thinking of my son as my nephew. A young man I love and will be there for, yet not someone I am responsible for. Not someone whose failures reflect on me. He is 26, in year 5 of cross sex hormones. Not happier as a result. We never discuss gender topics. We have a great relationship. (There was a year of estrangement before I adopted my aunt-like stance). I have a seat at the table, should he ever waiver in his certainty that he is trans.
That is a great idea, to try to be a little detached, like an aunt.
I have to say, from the many, many stories I’ve heard, there really is no wrong or right way to deal with this successfully. It is very very difficult in this technological age to parent when your kid has access to the entire world at their fingertips. Many grow up unscathed, but many do not. I would’ve been far more strict had I known the detriment unfettered access can bring. In hindsight I feel naive. But at the end of the day, they have made the choice & if you choose not to play along with their new identity & name, then that is your choice too & you must bear the loss. It’s a wrong form of ‘healthcare’ & all the enablers are no better.