Self-Doubt and the Easy Way Out
Parents of kids who think they’re trans or non-binary spend a lot of time on an emotional hamster wheel, cycling through all the feelings: Confusion. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Regret. Despair. Loneliness. Doubt.
I get super caught up in that last one.
Was I too stereotypically feminine, and that turned my daughter against herself? Or was I not feminine enough?
Did my openly liberal-minded views make her more susceptible to indoctrination? Or was I not liberal enough?
Was I too hard on her about her schoolwork, house rules, chores? Or was I not hard enough?
Should I have not focused on my own health for those two years before middle school? Or should I have done even more for my own health?
Did I err in taking a job that required me to be in an office versus at home? Or should I have been away more to let her learn accountability?
Was I missing opportunities to tell her I loved her? Or did I smother her with love?
Did I pay too much attention to her sibling? Did I not pay enough attention to her sibling?
Would we be better living in another state? If we moved, would she only further rebel and entrench herself?
Should I have put her in private school? Should I have fought harder and been more involved with the public school?
Should I have taken away social media? Or should I have controlled her access?
Did we give her too much without having to earn it? Or did we somehow give her too little?
Should I have let her go to that camp, that therapist, that school club, that all affirmed her? Or should I have sequestered her in our house and built attachment?
Should I have put her on anti-depressants? Or gotten her exercising, eating well, and working on coping skills?
Was it a mistake to live so far away from family? Or is it better because they don’t have to witness this train wreck in person?
Will I ever remember what it feels like to not be in turmoil? Will I be able to function if I do?
Was there One Thing that caused all of this in her? Or was it a Lot of Little Things?
Am I wrong about all of the gender critical stuff I read and believe? Or should I trust my gut and my convictions?
Have I closed my mind? Or is it more open than ever?
Am I transphobic, horrible parent? Or am I a good and loving parent?
Should I spend more time trying to convince my daughter of the dangers, lack of logic, and poor data? Or will that turn her away from me?
Do I emotionally divest myself of this fight when she turns 18? Or do I continue to battle for her, even though she doesn’t want me to?
Am I crazy for not affirming? Would I be crazy if I did?
Does she hate me because I don’t affirm her? Will she eventually hate me if I do?
Is this all my fault? Or is none of it my fault?
What if I’m wrong and she’s right? What if I’m right and she’s wrong?
Will I ever get my daughter back?
Most days I can cope with these doubts. But there are brief moments each day where one or more of these questions nag at me, seducing me toward a different path. Sometimes, it’s hard to find your way back to your convictions and your courage. But we get up and do it, every day. We’re not the parents taking the easy way out.
You have given a voice to every thought and emotion of every parent of a transitioning child. So much of what you question echoes what I have have questioned myself.
I questioned my femininity, too strong, too weak? My morals, values and character, ethics, integrity openness, and open mindednes. I've questioned my unconditional love, acceptance and promotion of individuality.
Neither of my kids showed any interest in transition until past the age of 18. They were both in private or charter schools in which I was very involved and volunteered. As a family, we did motorcycles and water sports. We had a close knit group of families that our kids were really close and secure in.
Both of my kids shared with me since they have become adults, that they suffer from body dismorphia and they do not identify with their biological gender.
Many counselors have tried to convince my youngest son to transition, but he continues to hold back. His personality is very measured and never makes decisions without much contimplation and logic.
Putting all things into perspective, just the fact that we/parents love our kids so deeply and our hearts ache for them to have love, peace and joy in their lives tells me that these kids are fortunate. Any mistakes that I/we as parents have made is not the full picture of what we are facing and the cause of what we are experiencing.
Though some of us are experiencing strained relationships with our kids, it is because we want good and not harm for them. We want to protect them from present and future regrets. That is the definition of a loving parent. We don't have all of the answers but we are searching and reaching out to understand.
I'm thankful for this community that we can express our feelings, experiences, and stories to support one another in love and liight. We/parents need love, acceptance, all of positive support we can get.
Thank you for this space
Every single one of these questions has plagued me for the 11 years since our daughter began her transition to her version of 'male gender'. Although we have not spoken since then, I think of her every day. But I do not question my stance on this matter. I will never affirm her decision to change her name and pronouns, take hormones, have upper (and maybe lower surgeries?), and deny that her female persona ever existed. It has been a rough road, but I am thankful that parent platforms like this now exist (they appeared to be non existent 20 years ago) to assist and support. We parents need all the support we can get. Sanity checks are vital in this crazy world.