Parents of kids who think they’re trans or non-binary spend a lot of time on an emotional hamster wheel. Cycle through all the feelings: Confusion. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Regret. Despair. Loneliness. Doubt. I get super caught up in that last one. Was I too stereotypically feminine, and that turned my daughter against herself? Or was I not feminine enough?
I relate to every word of this. I second guess every word I’ve ever said and every action I’ve ever taken as a parent. I told my daughter’s therapist, who told me she is traumatized by her family’s rejection of her as gay, that I hope someday she’ll understand that I’m not rejecting her, I’m rejecting her rejection of herself. It’s self-hatred and I cannot be party to it.
There are probably many influences in your child's life. You are one. You cant control anyone except yourself. I know that you are going to keep fighting for your kid.
What you wrote is so beautiful and loving. Some day she will really appreciate your love and trying to help her. It IS a cult, there is no such thing as "transphobia." But it plays on how oppressed girls and women are, being taught from when we are little, that we are inferior to males and can never hope to get all the privilege they get, from protection from fear of assault, to getting a decent income when older, to not being constantly judged on appearance, etc. If only females were treated as equals, so much of the attraction to "becoming male" would disappear.
Almost no one with media power is helping girls. I see the men in dignified, protective clothes, while almost all the women are exposed in dresses/skirts, or fragments of clothing, teetering on high heels, or even more bizarre, the very high platforms that are also dangerous in terms of not being able to run, fight, or even walk safely. (I can't forget a friend who is permanently disabled from falling in high heels when she was young.) In some countries, it's hijabs and burkas, but here, it's all these other grotesque markers of inferiority. And someone is making a lot of money.
Any girl or woman who says no gets it from those competing with her and so many others policing her.
Without knowing the irreversible extent of the harm of testosterone, too many girls and young women think that is an easy way out. Now some are complaining that they have male-pattern balding, but if they "de-transition," they will still look bizarre with odd garbley voices and very damaged bodies. It needs to be stopped before it can start. Those with power should put that information all over the media, and not leave it up to those mothers who are also being victimized by this horror.
Thank you so much for this very inspiring essay. It was beautifully done. I'm sure it's going to shore up the courage of many parents who are exhausted from the ordeal. My thoughts are with you and all others who are facing these doubts. Sincerely, Frederick
Beautifully written. It is not our fault as parents - we tried, and try, our best every single day. We can’t control society. One day our children will be our age, and when they are, it is my hope they every one of them caught in this mess can acknowledge that we tried our best. I believe we are all having a functioning nervous breakdown and live in a special kind of purgatory. That we are not alone gives me a devastating comfort because I would not wish this on anyone. It is not our fault. We try our best.
I could have written this myself. These doubts can make us sick with regret, confusion - everything you named, but I always seem to find my way back to a feeling that my heart is steering me true. We did everything as best we could as parents, and still, here we are. Don't you just find yourself wondering, how has this happened? How has the world become this way? I'll keep showing up because I know this isn't truly who my daughter is.
For a minute there I thought this was something I had written. I have had those same thoughts, almost the same exact thoughts for about five years now.
As I contemplate self doubt as well, something that gives me a repreive from doubting my own parenting is the fact that in addition to my son telling us he is a girl, my two sisters each have a child who has identified as trans as well. We all live in different states, rarely see one another, and have completely different lives, politics, and parenting styles. The biggest things we have in common are genetics and having children born around the same time. How is it possible for 3 out of 9 cousins in one family to be transgender?
It's become so popular and is a cult spreading everywhere. They think they are trendy and it's new and do not know the truth. Teenagers spread so much among themselves, but this is one of the worst fads ever, and most dangerous.
And I bet these kids use the fact that there are 3 of them genetically related as a "proof" that trans is a real biological thing. Never mind that it hasn't happened in any generation before them. It must be one of those conditions that skips a generation or 2 or a few hundred.
Wow…that is staggering. Stay strong that this is insane. Set boundaries that you can live with whilst showing you will always be there. I feel like we parents are all going to be part of history. An unfortunate & devastating history
QUOTE: "Did my openly liberal-minded views make her more susceptible to indoctrination? Or was I not liberal enough?"
I believe that the Transgender movement and its promoters and supporters are mainly of the Liberal political bent.
Not all Leftists buy into this insanity, but it is primarily a movement overwhelmingly supported by people in the Leftwing, Democrats, and Liberals. You will not find many Rightwing, Republicans, or Conservatives in the mix!
The right wing is connected in their own way, including running some like Bruce Jenner for president.
I vote democrat but have never been a leftist and stop being a liberal when I became an adult. What I see from those I know are women who are trying to be supportive and do and say the "right thing" but I also know so many who are absolutely terrified to be found to not agree.
There are conservatives who are so confused, baffled and overwhelmed they are simply letting it ride. One more crazy thing? whatever...
I spoke to my SIL (age 75) this summer, who was of the opinion anyone over 18 can do whatever. Then I shared what's actually happening. She was told this was all well-studied and there was a long process of evaluation and people got happy! Then I told her the truth. And now she's a conservative that's critical.
This hit home. My daughter seems to be comfortable pretending to be a “boy” at school (the school socially started treating her as male last year, explicitly against our wishes). We are not pretending that she’s a boy at home or with our friends and family. It’s so hard. It feels like we are swimming upstream. I can only hope that she eventually feel comfortable as a girl.
I relate to every word of this. I second guess every word I’ve ever said and every action I’ve ever taken as a parent. I told my daughter’s therapist, who told me she is traumatized by her family’s rejection of her as gay, that I hope someday she’ll understand that I’m not rejecting her, I’m rejecting her rejection of herself. It’s self-hatred and I cannot be party to it.
You just described everyday of my life. Thank you for sharing.
There are probably many influences in your child's life. You are one. You cant control anyone except yourself. I know that you are going to keep fighting for your kid.
What you wrote is so beautiful and loving. Some day she will really appreciate your love and trying to help her. It IS a cult, there is no such thing as "transphobia." But it plays on how oppressed girls and women are, being taught from when we are little, that we are inferior to males and can never hope to get all the privilege they get, from protection from fear of assault, to getting a decent income when older, to not being constantly judged on appearance, etc. If only females were treated as equals, so much of the attraction to "becoming male" would disappear.
Almost no one with media power is helping girls. I see the men in dignified, protective clothes, while almost all the women are exposed in dresses/skirts, or fragments of clothing, teetering on high heels, or even more bizarre, the very high platforms that are also dangerous in terms of not being able to run, fight, or even walk safely. (I can't forget a friend who is permanently disabled from falling in high heels when she was young.) In some countries, it's hijabs and burkas, but here, it's all these other grotesque markers of inferiority. And someone is making a lot of money.
Any girl or woman who says no gets it from those competing with her and so many others policing her.
Without knowing the irreversible extent of the harm of testosterone, too many girls and young women think that is an easy way out. Now some are complaining that they have male-pattern balding, but if they "de-transition," they will still look bizarre with odd garbley voices and very damaged bodies. It needs to be stopped before it can start. Those with power should put that information all over the media, and not leave it up to those mothers who are also being victimized by this horror.
Thank you so much for this very inspiring essay. It was beautifully done. I'm sure it's going to shore up the courage of many parents who are exhausted from the ordeal. My thoughts are with you and all others who are facing these doubts. Sincerely, Frederick
Beautifully written. It is not our fault as parents - we tried, and try, our best every single day. We can’t control society. One day our children will be our age, and when they are, it is my hope they every one of them caught in this mess can acknowledge that we tried our best. I believe we are all having a functioning nervous breakdown and live in a special kind of purgatory. That we are not alone gives me a devastating comfort because I would not wish this on anyone. It is not our fault. We try our best.
"Functional nervous breakdown" Spot-on. I appreciate your naming this truth for suffering parents.
Very kind of you to reply. Thank you.
I could have written this myself. These doubts can make us sick with regret, confusion - everything you named, but I always seem to find my way back to a feeling that my heart is steering me true. We did everything as best we could as parents, and still, here we are. Don't you just find yourself wondering, how has this happened? How has the world become this way? I'll keep showing up because I know this isn't truly who my daughter is.
For a minute there I thought this was something I had written. I have had those same thoughts, almost the same exact thoughts for about five years now.
Exactly. I just can’t lie. It is tearing my family apart.
I have asked so many of these same questions. Thank you for writing this.
As I contemplate self doubt as well, something that gives me a repreive from doubting my own parenting is the fact that in addition to my son telling us he is a girl, my two sisters each have a child who has identified as trans as well. We all live in different states, rarely see one another, and have completely different lives, politics, and parenting styles. The biggest things we have in common are genetics and having children born around the same time. How is it possible for 3 out of 9 cousins in one family to be transgender?
It's become so popular and is a cult spreading everywhere. They think they are trendy and it's new and do not know the truth. Teenagers spread so much among themselves, but this is one of the worst fads ever, and most dangerous.
And I bet these kids use the fact that there are 3 of them genetically related as a "proof" that trans is a real biological thing. Never mind that it hasn't happened in any generation before them. It must be one of those conditions that skips a generation or 2 or a few hundred.
Wow…that is staggering. Stay strong that this is insane. Set boundaries that you can live with whilst showing you will always be there. I feel like we parents are all going to be part of history. An unfortunate & devastating history
Yes!! All of this. My husband and I have only been on this roller coaster for 5 months. Seems so much longer.
I felt this down to my core. Very relatable
QUOTE: "Did my openly liberal-minded views make her more susceptible to indoctrination? Or was I not liberal enough?"
I believe that the Transgender movement and its promoters and supporters are mainly of the Liberal political bent.
Not all Leftists buy into this insanity, but it is primarily a movement overwhelmingly supported by people in the Leftwing, Democrats, and Liberals. You will not find many Rightwing, Republicans, or Conservatives in the mix!
The right wing is connected in their own way, including running some like Bruce Jenner for president.
I vote democrat but have never been a leftist and stop being a liberal when I became an adult. What I see from those I know are women who are trying to be supportive and do and say the "right thing" but I also know so many who are absolutely terrified to be found to not agree.
There are conservatives who are so confused, baffled and overwhelmed they are simply letting it ride. One more crazy thing? whatever...
I spoke to my SIL (age 75) this summer, who was of the opinion anyone over 18 can do whatever. Then I shared what's actually happening. She was told this was all well-studied and there was a long process of evaluation and people got happy! Then I told her the truth. And now she's a conservative that's critical.
I had those thoughts too and decided to be the loving, HONEST Mother I've always been. I refuse to lie to my child.
This hit home. My daughter seems to be comfortable pretending to be a “boy” at school (the school socially started treating her as male last year, explicitly against our wishes). We are not pretending that she’s a boy at home or with our friends and family. It’s so hard. It feels like we are swimming upstream. I can only hope that she eventually feel comfortable as a girl.