Senior Year

It’s senior year for my trans-identified child. It feels like my senior year at the University of ROGD.

With the beginning of high school, a new name and gender emerged for my child and so began my education. Compared to what I know now, I was clueless. However, I had instincts about ROGD which later would all be confirmed over and over again.

I attempted once or twice to call my child by a new name and pronoun, but I couldn’t do it. I did sit with the idea though and asked… what if, what if this is what my child needs? And am I a bad person for not complying?

I talked with my child and asked questions. The more answers given, the more confused and frustrated I became. This worsened when speaking with adults in my child’s life who were supposed to protect my child.

With no help or support or anyone to answer my questions, I began my online studies. First, I found the shocking discoveries of Google’s answers to questions such as, am I trans? and what is gender dysphoria? Then came the very convincing videos from transgender celebrities. Quickly I learned new vocabulary to search and soon the gender critical door opened wide. Foolishly, I would excitedly share my findings with my child including videos from Richie Herron and Chole Cole, as well as the Detrans documentary. I even made a google slide. But I hadn’t yet grasped the magnitude of the trans beliefs and community. I hadn’t learned how profoundly captured therapists, doctors, schools, neighbors, and friends were and how little they actually knew about gender ideology.

I foolishly thought I was a loving, involved parent with a close relationship with my child and that we could have wonderful conversations and work our way through this. But the conversations worsened and both hope and my mental state diminished, but my education did not. I was now learning about the Tavistock Clinic and read Susan and Mark Evans Gender Dysphoria: A Therapeutic Model for working with Children Adolescents and Young Adults and DeTrans by Dr. Az Hakeem. After watching a video by LaRell Herbert, who fully transitioned and then detransitioned, I lost any beliefs that transition can be an answer for anyone.

About this time, my estrange parent reached out to me. My attempt to communicate my feelings was met with guilt and blame once again. I was able to see them and our relationship for what it was and closed a door for good. This led to my education on narcissism. With more knowledge came healing, understanding and changes in my behavior.

With no one but my best friend and husband to talk to about gender dysphoria, I consumed many YouTube videos. I found it refreshing to listen to intelligent detransitioners like Elle Palmer, Maia Poet, Simon Amaya Price, Cat Cattison, Helena, Sevn Scharpen, Katie Coblentz, Nicholas Flowers, Call me Sam, Keith Caputo and Laura Becker, to name a few.

I also sought out the “other side” to understand what I was saying to my child that was so triggering. I consumed pro-trans content. I admit not much of it though - my brain and emotions can’t take much of it. But it was definitely helpful to learn what gender affirming advocates actually say and think!

They don’t know it, but I became online friends with many podcast/YouTube hosts who provided comfort and made me laugh during some dark times. I’d like to thank, Benjamin Boyce, Peter Boghossian, Andrew Gold, Stella O’Malley, Sasha Ayad, Colin Wright, Helen Joyce, Travis Brown, Mia Hughes, Keri Smith, Billboard Chris, Glenna Goldis, Do No Harm, Leor Sapir, Andrew Huberman and the Radical Center and more. Thanks for light during a time of darkness. Thanks for calm conversations, long pauses, questions, interest and speaking out. Thank you for the company and the laughter.

I was being educated about cults and, at the same time, began to take the online course with “You Must be Some Kind of Therapist”, which came with new book recommendations. I completed Never Split the Difference and Hold onto Your Kids. I felt like everything I was taught about parenting and what I thought I was changing for the better, for my children, was wrong. Then the book No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model began true healing for me and has had a domino effect on our family.

I spoke with wonderful women who had been in this much longer than me. Each one has given me something new to move forward with - a little shift and new way of thinking. I spoke with January Littlejohn and the next day saw her online standing next to Trump. I wavier back and forth between wanting to go on an all-out fight against those leading my child to self-harm and continuing to quietly save my child and protect him from greater harm.

Slowly change began in the general population and a push back started, but it’s not soon enough for my child. Slowly online content was changing and I felt like I could only watch newer content because like me, everyone gender critical has learned so much these past few years.

I’ve pushed back against the school and their policies. I was able to have hard conversations compared to those I had two years ago and with knowledge behind my words. I’ve filed complaints, and a FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) complaint and FOIA requests. I informed the school that I do not allow sleepovers with the opposite sex and if my child rooms with a biological female, I will not be held responsible for any legal or financial outcomes of a school outing with those room accommodations. I pushed back at the therapist office and asked for my child’s legal name receipts. I’ve managed to not affirm my child’s name or pronouns and removed him from therapy and kept him from medicalizing. I’ve had a reset conversation and he recently asked me if I believe that trans women are women and I replied, “No, do you?” The mood in our home is lighter and I’m healing. I can feel I’ve slowed the transfer of generational trauma to my children and my spouse. I see many great changes slowly but surely happening.

I’m entering his senior year with just completing the books How Minds Change: The Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion and How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide Book by James M. Lindsay and Peter Boghossian. We just went on a college visit where I scanned the crowd of future students and sized them up, quickly noticing cut marks on one girl’s arm. I cringed at the mention of Karl Marks and Judith Butler from a student speaker.

I’m not sure what else I can possibly learn about rapid onset gender dysphoria, cults, cluster B personality traits, autism, ADHD, puberty, the biology of males and females, the history of transgenders or the history of WPATH.

Have I graduated? Perhaps only when my child has learned to accept his body will I have completed my education.

So, I begin this senior year with a great sense of urgency. This year I’m empowered by those speaking out. I’m equipped with knowledge I didn’t have before. I’m healing, I’m calmer, I’m in a better place. I’m hopeful, I’m scared, I’m worried.

After all this education I still find that, “I am Trans” is not a solution for my child. Not an outcome that my child would thrive in, would truly happy in, would be whole.

It’s senior year. I’m educated and terrified. I hope and pray I graduate.

Mom, PhD