Shame Name

The day after our third child turned 18, she began a journey to a new life in a new state and eventually a new name.  For the past three and a half years, she has completely blocked my husband and me from any contact except for a single phone call, about a year after she left.  She called me to announce she is non-binary and has a new name.  I reminded her that her name is a combination from her two great grandmothers and that her first name, Julia, is a reminder she is our precious jewel whom we love and miss deeply.  I also reminded her that when my own brother decided to use a nickname, I never stopped calling him by his proper name.  I explained it was a matter of remembering him with the same name I called him since we were children and that changing was too challenging.  Nevertheless, I am confident her woke friends and counselors have convinced her we are cruel, disrespectful, and unsupportive because we choose to use her “deadname.”  

Today, our younger son showed me a quiz question from his sociology course that cites, “Deadnaming is not only hurtful but also overtly harmful. The practice of deadnaming, which is often associated with other behaviors that demean and marginalize trans individuals, reflects the use of language to impose an identity.”

How dare anyone say that I am demeaning my daughter by referring to her by her rightful name?  The name her father and I chose and began using while she was still growing in my womb!  The name we used to introduce her to the world!  The name that was emblazoned in pink or purple icing (those are the colors she requested annually) on her birthday cake each year!  Why are her feelings more valid than ours?  Why should her new identity trump our identity as her parents?

So, I have coined a new term: "Shame Name."  A "Shame Name" is defined as, “the name parents lovingly and legally bestow on their newborn child as a reflection of their love and devotion to their precious baby but is then discarded and destroyed by that child, without any concern whatsoever for his or her parents or other family members. Anyone who continues to use the shame name, intentionally or accidentally, is condemned and shamed for their unforgivable offense regardless of the number of years they spent referring to the person by that name.  When a child imposes a shame name on their family, they attempt to erase an identity that no family will ever forget."

Julia, I refuse to erase you.  Regardless of how you look or feel, you will always be my precious daughter.  I look forward to the day when you stop shaming our family and accept us for who we are - the family who knows and loves you and shamelessly calls you by your name.

Thank you for listening!