Siblings Caught in the Crossfire

In the shadows of this war, we forget siblings. They’re often caught in the crossfire between desperate parents and misguided, indoctrinated children.

Some siblings are recruited to fight a war they probably never wanted to be part of. They’re influenced, exploited and manipulated by the trans-identified child to become allies, or worse yet, to transition themselves.

Others become collateral damage, like my son.

He is the oldest of our two kids and he is the stereotypical firstborn: rule follower, people pleaser, model student.

He was the most joyous, silly, happy, loving child in elementary school. Our daughter has always been a defiant child from the word go - the one we “worried about.” But he and his sister (two years younger), were the best of friends when they were young.

And then, when he was 14 and she was 12, a huge bomb hit our house.

That bomb was trans.

We didn’t see it coming. We were completely unprepared and devastated. Smaller bombs fell quickly thereafter as our daughter descended further into the cult: failing grades, poor hygiene, explosive arguments, ridiculous demands, social justice thought policing. The fog was so thick we could barely see out, and we never knew what was around the next corner.

We reacted as best we could. We did our research and concluded that “preserving the attachment” and “preventing her from medicalizing” and “getting her to wait it out” needed to be our absolute top priorities. Anything not to lose our daughter. Anything to protect her from harm.

But that anything had a cost. And the cost was our son’s well-being. His needs, his life, his feelings all took a back seat to hers. Because trans consumed us.

I want this to be a cautionary tale for anyone who’s newer on this journey.

Siblings get called transphobic.

They witness intense arguments between parents and the gender confused child.

They have to watch their sibling at school, acting out and “dressing the part” to get attention - maybe misbehaving, maybe being celebrated and given special privileges, maybe being an embarrassment.

They feel helpless and separated from their sibling as the trans-identified child pursues an appearance, a friend group, a lifestyle, and a set of behaviors that are unhealthy and impossible to understand.

They see their friends who have siblings deepen and cultivate those relationships, and feel as though they've been robbed of something. They may stop thinking of their sibling as related to them at all.

Their hearts may start to harden toward mom and dad, too. They may become aloof and distant.

They might feel that mom and dad see them as the stable one, the one that has his or her shit together, the one that stands as proof that mom and dad were not complete failures as parents. The pressure that must put on a child or teen!

They may become resentful of the attention expended on the gender confused sibling, especially because it’s often negative attention. They may wonder why they bother following rules or being "typical" when the drama, negativity, and ugly behavior that comes along with a gender identity seems to get swept under the rug, ignored, or even rewarded."

They might not complain or share their feelings about these things much. They might go on pulling straight As and playing sports and doing as they’re told, achieving a lot but asking very little, complaining rarely.

Only there is often more beneath the surface.

Our son couldn’t physically or emotionally handle the constant conflict, the walking on eggshells, the hyperfocus we had on our daughter. He felt alone, and distraught, and unsupported, even though we thought we were “there for him.” But we had a daughter to save, and that clouded our vision. We didn’t see that he was barely treading water.

We didn’t see all the damage this caused him. In fact, it’s only been in the last few months that we’ve come to understand how deeply he’s been hurting, and that it’s been years. Five long years.

And for what? Despite all of our efforts, our daughter is no less entrenched. In fact, she announced her intent to medicalize in January. She threatened us with no contact. She hasn’t pulled the trigger yet, but it’s a matter of time.

I don’t want this hellscape we’ve been living through to define him. He is young and smart and strong enough to conquer this. But at this point, his future is very uncertain. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair that this cult is not only taking our daughter down but may take our son down too.

So, my advice to those of you who are newer on this journey: protect the siblings in the shadows. Dig deep on how they are feeling and how they are faring. They may be putting on a brave face that masks a lot of pain.