Sometimes a “no” is the biggest proof of love.
So, I’m a parent of a trans-identified child. What now?
Dear friends,
I want to share something that happened to me recently because I believe it may resonate with many of you.
I participate in several parent groups, including ones where affirmation is the only acceptable perspective. A few days ago, I came across a post on Reddit from a father who sounded completely overwhelmed. His 14-year-old child told him they had known since age 10 that they were transgender. The parents were being heavily pressured by the child, psychiatrists, psychologists, and the community to move forward immediately. The father was asking what to do next, now that he and his wife were “on board.”
Reading his words, I didn’t see confidence. I saw fear. I saw a parent who felt cornered, rushed, and terrified of making the wrong decision, but afraid to slow things down.
I knew that if I responded honestly, I would be banned from that group. And I was. But I still felt I had a responsibility, as a parent, to say something with respect and genuine concern, not judgment.
This is what I wrote to him:
I know how overwhelming this situation must feel, especially when professionals and your child are pushing for immediate decisions. I just want to gently remind you of something important. Your child is still a minor. Their brain, judgment, and sense of identity are still developing, and that process does not truly settle until the mid-20s.
Wanting answers at 14 is understandable. Making irreversible medical decisions at 14 is another matter entirely.
Being a parent sometimes means saying “not now,” even when it is hard, even when it creates tension. That is not rejection. That is protection.
Here is a perspective that may help. If a 14-year-old came to you and said, “I’ve known since I was 10 that I want to use heavy drugs,” no loving parent would say yes just because the child feels certain. You would say no, not because you do not love them, but because you understand risks, long-term consequences, and the fact that a child is not equipped to make decisions that can permanently harm their body and future.
You would probably say something like: I love you, I hear you, but while you are under my care and still developing, my job is to protect you. When you are an adult, you will be free to make your own decisions, even ones I may not agree with.
That same principle applies here. It is reasonable to say: I love you, I take your feelings seriously, and I am not going to rush you into permanent changes while your body and mind are still developing. When you are an adult, you will be free to make those choices for yourself. Until then, my responsibility is to keep you safe.
There are growing numbers of adults who made irreversible medical decisions as minors and later realized they were not emotionally or developmentally equipped to make them. Listening to those voices is not hateful. It is informed and responsible.
Slowing down is not harm. Waiting is not denial. Caution is not a lack of love.
Please do not let pressure from anyone rush you into decisions that cannot be undone. Your child needs an adult right now, not urgency.
Whatever happens in the future, your role today is to protect, guide, and allow time for maturity to develop. That is what parents are for.
I’m sharing this with you because many of us feel isolated, silenced, or afraid to speak honestly. But praying for our children, asking for time, and choosing caution does not make us bad parents. It makes us parents who understand that love sometimes means holding the line.
You’re not alone in this.
With respect and solidarity,
You may have been banned from the group, but to that parent, your voice may prove to be life saving. He may never hear that opinion elsewhere.
Or, rather than the hypothetical of a child saying, “I want to use hard drugs,” what if a healthy weight child said, “I see myself as obese and know I am extremely overweight. I need to lose 30/50 pounds to be my authentic self.” Would a sane and loving parent affirm the delusion that the healthy weight child is obese and enable the child to use weight loss drugs to lose a significant portion of their body weight? “Gender identity” is an illusion. It is a fantasy. It is imagination of the worst sort. The only loving response of a mentally healthy parent is to say “no.” My two younger (adult) children decided as adults in their 30’s to alter their bodies through surgery and pharmaceuticals to become the opposite sexes (younger son and younger daughter). They are now in their 40’s. Neither speak to us (I am their mother and my husband is their stepfather) because we will not affirm their delusions. My younger daughter has not spoken to me since 2017. By then she was using testosterone and was taller and beefier, with a deep voice, facial hair, and a belligerent attitude. When I hugged her goodbye, I knew this person had killed my daughter and I would never see my daughter (as she was) again. We used to be very close. But, she is more stubborn than I am. Life has not kicked her in the teeth like it has me (cancer and the traumatic accidental death of my dad). My younger son stopped talking to me last year when I sent him a photo album, one of four that I made for each of my kids from photos my mother had saved and their baby and school photos. I happened to mention what a handsome man he had been. That, with the photos proving he was born and lived as a man for the first 40 years of his life. I am excommunicated from both of their lives and the lives of their children (which is the worst). Yet, I will not acquiesce and enable their choices like their father, who will do or say anything to continue his relationship with his grandchildren. To me, that goes into the category of “what is the price of your integrity?” Like the old joke, “Madam, we have already established what you are; we are now just haggling over the price.”