Soul’s Turmoil
How do you tell your child that your life is more relaxed when he is out of the house?
My adult son, captured almost eight years ago by trans ideology, still lives at home. He already had mental health issues and this cult has affected his ability to work. He can’t seem to move out. Right or wrong, I do not yet have the strength to force him out (but that’s a topic for another piece).
So, when he goes off on a week-long staycation with the romantic interest he’s hooked up with, another young man captured by the cult, who lives overseas, my house breathes.
I am less stressed not seeing him with his long, unruly hair, the septum piercing, the clothing that leans toward feminine and his effected mannerisms. The relief from not having it in my face every day is palpable.
Also, when my trans-identified son leaves the house, this younger brother, who still lives at home as well, is freed from self-imposed exile in his room or the basement. He’s free to interact with his parents without his brother coming into his view.
My younger son refuses to be in the same room with his “trans” brother. He is so angry and turned off by the effects of hormones and social “transitioning.” He will peek into the family room to see if it’s “safe,” and only then come in to enjoy watching something together.
So, when the text came to my phone informing me my son would be home tonight, when I had mistakenly thought I had another two days of relative peace, my heart sank.
The guilt and self-loathing at that emotion loom large in my heart. This is my child, the one who made me a mother, and yet I am dismayed that he is coming home from what was a quiet week of exhalation.
How do I impart to my child that his very presence causes a tension in the house that we all dread?
I suppose I am one of the “lucky” ones whose child has not decided to estrange himself from his non-affirming family.
But I don’t feel lucky.
I feel on edge, waiting for the door to open and my family to fracture once again.
How do I live with that burden?
Thank you for having the courage to speak about my secret shame. My son lived with us, post trans identity for 3 years, including 6 months while on wrong sex hormones. He has been estranged from us since he left 4 years ago. When my son lived at home, it felt as if I was suffocating from the sorrow and anxiety of seeing the changes in his body and personality. I felt as if barbed wire was squeezing against my heart and I could barely breathe. We all walked on tiptoes on the rare occasions when he came out of his room to get some food or to come in or out of the house. It felt like my son was disappearing a little more each day, and in its place there was this stranger who was slowly eating him alive and taking over his whole self. Estrangement and absence brought peace but also a void that remains unfulfilled. There is a longing and a sadness for the boy that I birthed, raised and loved so much. What hurts more than anything is that he is once again living as a man, but not as our son. No one but parents or grandparents whose child/grandchild has chosen this path can understand the pain.
This situation sound untenable and unfair to you. I'm sad that my trans identified young adult son refuses a path to sanity, but it would be worse to share my home with his contempt for my caring guidance as he continues to deteriorate. I believe you and your other son have a right to your mental health not being further imploded by your trans identified son sharing your day-to-day living space. You're already enduring a loss, and it sounds that much harder to have your home not be a space that offers solace and whatever recovery is possible. All this said, I totally recognize there is no blueprint for how parents endure the burden of what this heinous ideology does to our children and our lives. Of course, this is the goal of the "trans" nightmare -- the diminishing of the mental and physical health of both its primary cult members and their families.