This whole thing is such deviation to families. We are living it too, and praying everyday for healing. Thankfully, my son is finishing up his last year of college so he’s not home. I don’t think I could live with having it in front of me.
I do feel for you and the awful Catch 22 in which you've found yourself. I felt the same when my son came out as trans. Mind you, he didn't do much in the way of cross dressing and didn't start hormones until he'd left for college. - and estranged himself. It's been over three years and I have neither heard nor seen him since. Maybe you're the lucky one even though at present it doesn't seem like that to you.
At this point, my concern is will he harm or kill you or the rest of his family? Seriously. I keep thinking of Rob and Michelle Reiner's son. If he is threatening in anyway, I would change the locks and tell him he has to go. Trying to help such a selfish cultist is not worth dying over.
I share many of your thoughts and feelings. My son is back home after having been estranged. He is working, but otherwise he stays in the bedroom so that it often feels like we're still estranged. I too breathe easier when his weekend is over and he's back to work. There's no social life visible and no signs that cross sex hormones are adding anything positive to his life. Older sister who lives out of state no longer mentions having a sibling when meeting new people.
I am so sorry for your pain. And only you can determine what is best for you and your family. But I think you have to think about what is best for the majority; you, your husband, and your other son. Maybe it is time your very adult son, has to learn to live his adult trans life like an adult, instead of being supported by his family as if he was a child.
You shouldn't feel guilty about having normal emotions. Basically, you are in a hostage situation with trans. Now and then you get a break.
I am one of the estranged parents. It doesn't take much for them to estrange. It is a loss for all involved--does my trans-identified daughter realize she also has a loss?
Family keeps you grounded. It is not easy on the family. It seems that families in the situation of watching a child medicalize, pretending that all is well, are in a very fraught situation.
Yet, by keeping your son within the family, he will be much better off. He won't go off the extreme QUEER deep end.
You have described exactly my same situation. Same behaviors from my son, same feeling of relief when he left for a few days to visit a love interest, same feeling of disappointment when he texted that he was on his way home, same feeling of guilt. We are trying to ignore everything “trans” and engage only in topics untethered to that identity, although he attempts to make everything about it anyway. We discuss schooling options, work plans, new music, exciting discoveries in science (unrelated to trans b.s.) or whatever else he might have interest in. So we are doing what we can to maintain relationship and attempting to guide him into adulthood but it’s like trying to juggle one handed. And when the stress is lifted for a few days it is such a relief. It’s okay to feel that relief. It’s your chance to stop and catch your breath on an uphill climb. Think of it that way. When you have to begin climbing again there is always a little bit of resistance and that’s okay. Just push through until the next time you’re able to catch your breath.
You risk eventually “losing” son #2 for forcing him to live as a 2nd class citizen to son #1. I’m an “old man” who’s had discussions with others about toxic childhood environments and eventually they all (including me) came to resent the one that destroyed family cohesiveness, but ALSO feel let down by the parents that didn’t protect them from the toxicity.
You are catering to son #2, and he’s going to trample you forever more. I have a child who’s gay, and I always supported their choice, but I’m mostly estranged because I don’t support them politically. Do be it. MY mental stress load is more important than catering to a now grown child incapable of any world view beyond their own.
It’s time to “cut the cord” for the sake of family unity. Three people should not be catering to a grown child. Give him a deadline to find a job and a place to stay. When it’s time to go, give him a few grand to help him launch 🚀. Explain you love him, but his self-centered attitude can no longer be under your roof. And understand that if anything bad should befall him, it is NOT your fault. You cannot “fix” him, and allowing him to mentally crush everyone else is going to destroy you all.
To be honest I felt blessed to not have to endure what you speak of. I can only imagine how that would have reverberated through the family. Our child, a daughter (no longer 'trans') went male imposter in college and did the swift estrangement thing. It happened before we could blink and before there was much mainstream knowledge of the sheer insanity and machinations forging these identities. I think it can be a blessing and a curse. I prayed good people would come into her life in those days. She has reconnected and things have progressed but I still pray for this.
My daughter and I wept in a parking lot senior night for teamates (others siblings came my thoughts but kept to myself will her sister be here four years from now to stand beside her . My daughter broke down in tears as she shared the same thought . Already two Christmas , two birthdays and a college graduation her fathers triple bypass a near death accident that took 6 months of recovery . She screamed for her sister in the emergency room my heart shattered .I cant heal my family only God can and hope has begun to hurt .
The only person I've heard give voice to siblings is Brandon Showalter on his podcast. I believe the episode was called "The Unheard Voices." Still, it's just the tip of the iceberg on the harm this is causing siblings. It does need to be addressed.
Love this post. I imagine it's spot on for many of us here. I know I feel that weight lifting when my child leaves our home (she's away at college and comes back for visits). When we're all in our very small house, the tension rises, we're walking on eggshells, I alternate between staring at her for more signs of her transition and avoiding her gaze, so she doesn't see my heartbreak.
It's exhausting, but nothing to be ashamed of. We're working through an issue for which there is no textbook, no guidance. The word pioneer sounds overly positive, but I guess that's what we are - forging a new way of living in uncharted territory and it's certainly not easy. Hugs to your family.
Is there any way to require chores being done? Get some chickens or a dog and put him in charge of the animals? How about some horse back riding with a sensible instructor? Does he have a job? Limit Internet? Attending healthy functions? To not talk trans? Not be on hormones? See a non GAC counselor? Go work at the local homeless charity where they feed the homeless? Meet with someone who has desisted? Require watching videos which show the long term consequences of opposite sex hormones?
Just curious if you have a trans-identifying child? I only ask because as a parent of one, most of us folks have tried all of the wellness tools to help their child like you list. In my experience these children (whether they are minors or now adults) are pretty much stunted from the time they were brainwashed.
My 21 yr old still acts and looks like a 13yr old. Unable to take accountability for her actions, unable to take responsibility for herself, placing blame for everything wrong in her life on anyone around her. It’s quite bewildering actually the lack of ambition for anything other than trans ambition.
I’m so, truly sorry you have to contend with ALL of this. I can understand your internal turmoil. Yours is daily. Our family experiences similar during the holidays. There’s the eagerness to see family together along with the dreaded tension of witnessing our daughter’s changes brought on by testosterone. This past Christmas our son didn’t come home for the holidays & we accepted his choice to spend it with his girlfriend’s family. It truly affects the entire family.
Please try to absolve yourself from the guilt. We’re all trying to navigate uncharted territory, the best way we know how. You may want to consider planning weekly or monthly outings with your son that hides in his room. I would do lunch outings with my son, at his favorite sandwich shop prior to our daughter moving out. It gave us time to share a meal & just chat about his life & other things without the weighted pressure.
My heart aches for you. May God spare you from the self-loathing that you feel for emotions (that are perfectly normal) and understandable, and may you and your family find the best way for your family to work through these hard things. Our precious three children have completely removed themselves from our lives. So we don't have any of that tension that you have, that comes with contact with the confusion and chaos created by this gender stuff. I say both are horrible. Trying to figure it out in the day-to-day contact. Trying to figure it out in the void, the nothing. May God comfort and help each one of us. Hugs
This whole thing is such deviation to families. We are living it too, and praying everyday for healing. Thankfully, my son is finishing up his last year of college so he’s not home. I don’t think I could live with having it in front of me.
Thoughts and prayers to you.
I do feel for you and the awful Catch 22 in which you've found yourself. I felt the same when my son came out as trans. Mind you, he didn't do much in the way of cross dressing and didn't start hormones until he'd left for college. - and estranged himself. It's been over three years and I have neither heard nor seen him since. Maybe you're the lucky one even though at present it doesn't seem like that to you.
At this point, my concern is will he harm or kill you or the rest of his family? Seriously. I keep thinking of Rob and Michelle Reiner's son. If he is threatening in anyway, I would change the locks and tell him he has to go. Trying to help such a selfish cultist is not worth dying over.
This is relatable.
I share many of your thoughts and feelings. My son is back home after having been estranged. He is working, but otherwise he stays in the bedroom so that it often feels like we're still estranged. I too breathe easier when his weekend is over and he's back to work. There's no social life visible and no signs that cross sex hormones are adding anything positive to his life. Older sister who lives out of state no longer mentions having a sibling when meeting new people.
That's sad but you should suggest he gets a flat. You deserve peace and your other son.
I am so sorry for your pain. And only you can determine what is best for you and your family. But I think you have to think about what is best for the majority; you, your husband, and your other son. Maybe it is time your very adult son, has to learn to live his adult trans life like an adult, instead of being supported by his family as if he was a child.
You shouldn't feel guilty about having normal emotions. Basically, you are in a hostage situation with trans. Now and then you get a break.
I am one of the estranged parents. It doesn't take much for them to estrange. It is a loss for all involved--does my trans-identified daughter realize she also has a loss?
Family keeps you grounded. It is not easy on the family. It seems that families in the situation of watching a child medicalize, pretending that all is well, are in a very fraught situation.
Yet, by keeping your son within the family, he will be much better off. He won't go off the extreme QUEER deep end.
Wishing you well!
You have described exactly my same situation. Same behaviors from my son, same feeling of relief when he left for a few days to visit a love interest, same feeling of disappointment when he texted that he was on his way home, same feeling of guilt. We are trying to ignore everything “trans” and engage only in topics untethered to that identity, although he attempts to make everything about it anyway. We discuss schooling options, work plans, new music, exciting discoveries in science (unrelated to trans b.s.) or whatever else he might have interest in. So we are doing what we can to maintain relationship and attempting to guide him into adulthood but it’s like trying to juggle one handed. And when the stress is lifted for a few days it is such a relief. It’s okay to feel that relief. It’s your chance to stop and catch your breath on an uphill climb. Think of it that way. When you have to begin climbing again there is always a little bit of resistance and that’s okay. Just push through until the next time you’re able to catch your breath.
You risk eventually “losing” son #2 for forcing him to live as a 2nd class citizen to son #1. I’m an “old man” who’s had discussions with others about toxic childhood environments and eventually they all (including me) came to resent the one that destroyed family cohesiveness, but ALSO feel let down by the parents that didn’t protect them from the toxicity.
You are catering to son #2, and he’s going to trample you forever more. I have a child who’s gay, and I always supported their choice, but I’m mostly estranged because I don’t support them politically. Do be it. MY mental stress load is more important than catering to a now grown child incapable of any world view beyond their own.
It’s time to “cut the cord” for the sake of family unity. Three people should not be catering to a grown child. Give him a deadline to find a job and a place to stay. When it’s time to go, give him a few grand to help him launch 🚀. Explain you love him, but his self-centered attitude can no longer be under your roof. And understand that if anything bad should befall him, it is NOT your fault. You cannot “fix” him, and allowing him to mentally crush everyone else is going to destroy you all.
It’s not all about him and it never should be.
To be honest I felt blessed to not have to endure what you speak of. I can only imagine how that would have reverberated through the family. Our child, a daughter (no longer 'trans') went male imposter in college and did the swift estrangement thing. It happened before we could blink and before there was much mainstream knowledge of the sheer insanity and machinations forging these identities. I think it can be a blessing and a curse. I prayed good people would come into her life in those days. She has reconnected and things have progressed but I still pray for this.
No one is talking about the impact on siblings. This needs to be addressed.
My daughter and I wept in a parking lot senior night for teamates (others siblings came my thoughts but kept to myself will her sister be here four years from now to stand beside her . My daughter broke down in tears as she shared the same thought . Already two Christmas , two birthdays and a college graduation her fathers triple bypass a near death accident that took 6 months of recovery . She screamed for her sister in the emergency room my heart shattered .I cant heal my family only God can and hope has begun to hurt .
The only person I've heard give voice to siblings is Brandon Showalter on his podcast. I believe the episode was called "The Unheard Voices." Still, it's just the tip of the iceberg on the harm this is causing siblings. It does need to be addressed.
Love this post. I imagine it's spot on for many of us here. I know I feel that weight lifting when my child leaves our home (she's away at college and comes back for visits). When we're all in our very small house, the tension rises, we're walking on eggshells, I alternate between staring at her for more signs of her transition and avoiding her gaze, so she doesn't see my heartbreak.
It's exhausting, but nothing to be ashamed of. We're working through an issue for which there is no textbook, no guidance. The word pioneer sounds overly positive, but I guess that's what we are - forging a new way of living in uncharted territory and it's certainly not easy. Hugs to your family.
Is there any way to require chores being done? Get some chickens or a dog and put him in charge of the animals? How about some horse back riding with a sensible instructor? Does he have a job? Limit Internet? Attending healthy functions? To not talk trans? Not be on hormones? See a non GAC counselor? Go work at the local homeless charity where they feed the homeless? Meet with someone who has desisted? Require watching videos which show the long term consequences of opposite sex hormones?
Just curious if you have a trans-identifying child? I only ask because as a parent of one, most of us folks have tried all of the wellness tools to help their child like you list. In my experience these children (whether they are minors or now adults) are pretty much stunted from the time they were brainwashed.
My 21 yr old still acts and looks like a 13yr old. Unable to take accountability for her actions, unable to take responsibility for herself, placing blame for everything wrong in her life on anyone around her. It’s quite bewildering actually the lack of ambition for anything other than trans ambition.
It is like an obsession that you cannot break.
I’m so, truly sorry you have to contend with ALL of this. I can understand your internal turmoil. Yours is daily. Our family experiences similar during the holidays. There’s the eagerness to see family together along with the dreaded tension of witnessing our daughter’s changes brought on by testosterone. This past Christmas our son didn’t come home for the holidays & we accepted his choice to spend it with his girlfriend’s family. It truly affects the entire family.
Please try to absolve yourself from the guilt. We’re all trying to navigate uncharted territory, the best way we know how. You may want to consider planning weekly or monthly outings with your son that hides in his room. I would do lunch outings with my son, at his favorite sandwich shop prior to our daughter moving out. It gave us time to share a meal & just chat about his life & other things without the weighted pressure.
You & your family are in my prayers.
❤️🙏🕊️
My heart aches for you. May God spare you from the self-loathing that you feel for emotions (that are perfectly normal) and understandable, and may you and your family find the best way for your family to work through these hard things. Our precious three children have completely removed themselves from our lives. So we don't have any of that tension that you have, that comes with contact with the confusion and chaos created by this gender stuff. I say both are horrible. Trying to figure it out in the day-to-day contact. Trying to figure it out in the void, the nothing. May God comfort and help each one of us. Hugs