Maybe he needs a strong Father figure or role model. Hope your husband take him with him to games or plays or train museums, they both alone. He needs to see that being a man is something good and desirable and not as hard as to be a woman.
That’s the crazy thing. My husband is a Renaissance man. So talented. Successful — left as an equity partner at a white shoe law firm to start his own firm. Restored a vintage ‘67 Vespa to pristine condition. Got an old Ford tractor to play farmer on the weekends. Cooks like a gourmet. Taught my son how to roast meats and make elaborate sauces. Has indulged and shared in my son’s love of trains. Makes time for him. And I know my son thinks the world of him. except maybe calling the shots. He views me as making the rules in the household. I am the disciplinarian. He even thinks I am the transphobe and he just goes along with what I say because he is a bit spineless.
“real-world engagement is one of the few things capable of interrupting the cycle of isolation, avoidance, and endless online reinforcement.” I would add immersion in nature, God’s creation and, of course, for all things, prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God. You have been brutally honest and compassionate. A big lesson learned for me in parenthood is that I am not in control. AND that learning to say No and to put limits in the lives of my children was a way of loving them. I had gone into parenthood thinking, I could just be kind and gentle and hug them always. I thought I could protect them from the hurt I had experienced. I very quickly learned that more was needed to be a good parent. And that they needed to be free to LIVE, to find through suffering and the cross their way to the resurrection. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I am full of hope for that day when our child, who is presently so far away from us, makes her way back to those who truly love her. For now, I intercede before God on her behalf. I have planted myself at the foot of The Cross, begging Him to release her from captivity. I will not stop until she is home. THAT is where I have power. May God bless you and your family. ❤️
"...on a round trip ticket back to him." I think along these lines so often, as the prodigal in Luke 15 "came to himself" or came to his senses. I pray for the day our kids wake up and remember who they are.
“The self he was fleeing wasn’t male — it was the self that had failed, that had been left out, that had stopped trying” This described my daughter as well, so much going for her yet felt like a failure. If only she had time to live before the ideology overtook her in college.
One sentence stood out for me, the one about real life being the treatment. I believe this to be true - our kids need to stop navel gazing and obsessing about identify and get out into the real world doing real things. I have noticed a positive change in my daughter since she started to work more.
Your son sounds so much like mine I wonder if they would be friends in a different universe (Did you see the Broken Trains article from a few weeks ago?). Despite the sharp turns and issues with the steam engine, I'm praying your family can keep that train on the tracks!
I found it. Beautiful. Thanks for pointing it out. I agree such similarities. Hoping our love and steadfastness outshines the madness and that our boys are lucky enough to encounter someone caring and compelling to pull them out and rebuild.
I don't let myself feel anger in my own life, but when I read pieces from other parents dealing with similar situations I get incredibly angry. Who are these people who feel it is their right to wrest our children away from loving families, old friends, careers, potential for children, jobs, healthy lives? I'll never stop fighting this madness & it's good to hear there are other folks out there doing the same.
“The self he was fleeing wasn’t male — it was the self that had failed, that had been left out, that had stopped trying”
That’s what many of our boys are going through, yet it’s always framed as AGP or pervert. Trans is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trans was given a way of “being” by sexologists/therapists back in the day. It was all built on a lie by stupid professionals.
I hope your son and all our sons come back to reality. And then we will deal with the aftermath.
So heartbreaking. Hoping and praying that your son wakes up soon - or as you put so beautifully and poignantly he is on a round trip ticket back to him.
I have come to some of the same convictions and conclusions that you have: "At this point, I no longer believe I control my son’s choices. I cannot force insight, maturity, or change. I cannot compete with the constant reinforcement he receives online and from peers who see the world differently than I do.
What I can do is maintain limits, preserve our relationship where possible, encourage engagement with real life, and continue loving him while refusing to pretend I believe harmful choices are healthy ones"
And I love how you put this:
"I hope he is on a round-trip ticket back to himself". Amen!
I share the sadness in so many ways. But in reading this story, I also hear cracks in his mantle of false beliefs: the friend he allowed in just enough to internalize the statement about getting over the anxiety, the comment about the theatrical nature of the trans community he made in high school, his willingness to be in the home with his family despite you not acquiescing to the preferred name/pronouns (he clearly knows it’s a safe place for him and that you all love him deeply), etc. In addition to this being a story of sadness, it sounds like there is also room for hope and recovery.
A suggestion. Make your home wide open to your real daughter’s friends. When she said you let your son get away with things, I hear in that that she needs more availability of her own home. Maybe every other weekend allow her to be hostess of a brunch, lunch or afternoon party.
Is this relevant to your son? No, if he is not living in the same home. But don’t get blindsided because your son is soaking up attention from you.
Completely agree. We have to make space for our other children to be loved and celebrated. It’s so easy to see only the pain and to not have gratitude and joy in what else is right in front of you.
Maybe he needs a strong Father figure or role model. Hope your husband take him with him to games or plays or train museums, they both alone. He needs to see that being a man is something good and desirable and not as hard as to be a woman.
That’s the crazy thing. My husband is a Renaissance man. So talented. Successful — left as an equity partner at a white shoe law firm to start his own firm. Restored a vintage ‘67 Vespa to pristine condition. Got an old Ford tractor to play farmer on the weekends. Cooks like a gourmet. Taught my son how to roast meats and make elaborate sauces. Has indulged and shared in my son’s love of trains. Makes time for him. And I know my son thinks the world of him. except maybe calling the shots. He views me as making the rules in the household. I am the disciplinarian. He even thinks I am the transphobe and he just goes along with what I say because he is a bit spineless.
The transition was the vehicle. The destination was self-worth.
“real-world engagement is one of the few things capable of interrupting the cycle of isolation, avoidance, and endless online reinforcement.” I would add immersion in nature, God’s creation and, of course, for all things, prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God. You have been brutally honest and compassionate. A big lesson learned for me in parenthood is that I am not in control. AND that learning to say No and to put limits in the lives of my children was a way of loving them. I had gone into parenthood thinking, I could just be kind and gentle and hug them always. I thought I could protect them from the hurt I had experienced. I very quickly learned that more was needed to be a good parent. And that they needed to be free to LIVE, to find through suffering and the cross their way to the resurrection. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I am full of hope for that day when our child, who is presently so far away from us, makes her way back to those who truly love her. For now, I intercede before God on her behalf. I have planted myself at the foot of The Cross, begging Him to release her from captivity. I will not stop until she is home. THAT is where I have power. May God bless you and your family. ❤️
This: "Mostly, I hope.
I hope maturity matters.
I hope real life matters.
I hope meaningful human relationships matter.
I hope time matters."
Me too, for my long-estranged sons.
Thank you for this moving piece that does give me hope. He is lucky to have you.
I am hoping for that round trip ticket back to normalcy for my daughter also. I pray for all the hurting families.
Very well written. Thank you!
"...on a round trip ticket back to him." I think along these lines so often, as the prodigal in Luke 15 "came to himself" or came to his senses. I pray for the day our kids wake up and remember who they are.
“The self he was fleeing wasn’t male — it was the self that had failed, that had been left out, that had stopped trying” This described my daughter as well, so much going for her yet felt like a failure. If only she had time to live before the ideology overtook her in college.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing.
Waiting in hope with you.
One sentence stood out for me, the one about real life being the treatment. I believe this to be true - our kids need to stop navel gazing and obsessing about identify and get out into the real world doing real things. I have noticed a positive change in my daughter since she started to work more.
Your son sounds so much like mine I wonder if they would be friends in a different universe (Did you see the Broken Trains article from a few weeks ago?). Despite the sharp turns and issues with the steam engine, I'm praying your family can keep that train on the tracks!
I didn’t see the Broken Trains article. Would you please send?
I found it. Beautiful. Thanks for pointing it out. I agree such similarities. Hoping our love and steadfastness outshines the madness and that our boys are lucky enough to encounter someone caring and compelling to pull them out and rebuild.
I don't let myself feel anger in my own life, but when I read pieces from other parents dealing with similar situations I get incredibly angry. Who are these people who feel it is their right to wrest our children away from loving families, old friends, careers, potential for children, jobs, healthy lives? I'll never stop fighting this madness & it's good to hear there are other folks out there doing the same.
“The self he was fleeing wasn’t male — it was the self that had failed, that had been left out, that had stopped trying”
That’s what many of our boys are going through, yet it’s always framed as AGP or pervert. Trans is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trans was given a way of “being” by sexologists/therapists back in the day. It was all built on a lie by stupid professionals.
I hope your son and all our sons come back to reality. And then we will deal with the aftermath.
Peace and strength to you and your family.
So heartbreaking. Hoping and praying that your son wakes up soon - or as you put so beautifully and poignantly he is on a round trip ticket back to him.
I have come to some of the same convictions and conclusions that you have: "At this point, I no longer believe I control my son’s choices. I cannot force insight, maturity, or change. I cannot compete with the constant reinforcement he receives online and from peers who see the world differently than I do.
What I can do is maintain limits, preserve our relationship where possible, encourage engagement with real life, and continue loving him while refusing to pretend I believe harmful choices are healthy ones"
And I love how you put this:
"I hope he is on a round-trip ticket back to himself". Amen!
I share the sadness in so many ways. But in reading this story, I also hear cracks in his mantle of false beliefs: the friend he allowed in just enough to internalize the statement about getting over the anxiety, the comment about the theatrical nature of the trans community he made in high school, his willingness to be in the home with his family despite you not acquiescing to the preferred name/pronouns (he clearly knows it’s a safe place for him and that you all love him deeply), etc. In addition to this being a story of sadness, it sounds like there is also room for hope and recovery.
”I hope he is on a round trip ticket back to him.” Well put! I hope so too - for your son and my daughter and for all of our children…
I felt your pain coming through in this essay deeply because I have been, and am, in a similar place with my own daughter, who no longer speaks to me.
I empathize. Deeply.
A suggestion. Make your home wide open to your real daughter’s friends. When she said you let your son get away with things, I hear in that that she needs more availability of her own home. Maybe every other weekend allow her to be hostess of a brunch, lunch or afternoon party.
Is this relevant to your son? No, if he is not living in the same home. But don’t get blindsided because your son is soaking up attention from you.
Completely agree. We have to make space for our other children to be loved and celebrated. It’s so easy to see only the pain and to not have gratitude and joy in what else is right in front of you.