One sentence stood out for me, the one about real life being the treatment. I believe this to be true - our kids need to stop navel gazing and obsessing about identify and get out into the real world doing real things. I have noticed a positive change in my daughter since she started to work more.
Your son sounds so much like mine I wonder if they would be friends in a different universe (Did you see the Broken Trains article from a few weeks ago?). Despite the sharp turns and issues with the steam engine, I'm praying your family can keep that train on the tracks!
“The self he was fleeing wasn’t male — it was the self that had failed, that had been left out, that had stopped trying”
That’s what many of our boys are going through, yet it’s always framed as AGP or pervert. Trans is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trans was given a way of “being” by sexologists/therapists back in the day. It was all built on a lie by stupid professionals.
I hope your son and all our sons come back to reality. And then we will deal with the aftermath.
So heartbreaking. Hoping and praying that your son wakes up soon - or as you put so beautifully and poignantly he is on a round trip ticket back to him.
I have come to some of the same convictions and conclusions that you have: "At this point, I no longer believe I control my son’s choices. I cannot force insight, maturity, or change. I cannot compete with the constant reinforcement he receives online and from peers who see the world differently than I do.
What I can do is maintain limits, preserve our relationship where possible, encourage engagement with real life, and continue loving him while refusing to pretend I believe harmful choices are healthy ones"
And I love how you put this:
"I hope he is on a round-trip ticket back to himself". Amen!
I share the sadness in so many ways. But in reading this story, I also hear cracks in his mantle of false beliefs: the friend he allowed in just enough to internalize the statement about getting over the anxiety, the comment about the theatrical nature of the trans community he made in high school, his willingness to be in the home with his family despite you not acquiescing to the preferred name/pronouns (he clearly knows it’s a safe place for him and that you all love him deeply), etc. In addition to this being a story of sadness, it sounds like there is also room for hope and recovery.
A suggestion. Make your home wide open to your real daughter’s friends. When she said you let your son get away with things, I hear in that that she needs more availability of her own home. Maybe every other weekend allow her to be hostess of a brunch, lunch or afternoon party.
Is this relevant to your son? No, if he is not living in the same home. But don’t get blindsided because your son is soaking up attention from you.
Completely agree. We have to make space for our other children to be loved and celebrated. It’s so easy to see only the pain and to not have gratitude and joy in what else is right in front of you.
I just wrote a longer comment and somehow lost it. :(. I can assure you that this madness will be ending and hopefully (and I'm believing) sooner than we think. I have been down MANY rabbit holes and spent hours and hours learning about this whole mess.....and most recently have been listening to many prophetic voices.....all who are speaking of the earth being filled with God's Glory, the prodigals coming home, and a full restoration of all things. It's extremely complex....and all the evil is connected, from banking to child sex trafficking, to what has been happening to our children (and many many other things). God is and has been moving and we are about to see Him in a VERY BIG WAY! Hang in there and keep the faith....and when it happens do not fear....because what is going to happen must happen in order to deliver us from this evil!!
Please God, end the madness. You tell us in scripture that a millstone should be on those who harm a child. “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.”
I can assure you we are about to be witness to God's intervention! I was just typing a longer comment and somehow closed it out and lost it but was just getting ready to quote that verse about the millstone! I have been listening to many prophetic voices over the past few years and they are all saying much of the same thing. Many speak of Joel 2:31 and the great and terrible day of the Lord. I've heard "reverse rapture" (and interestingly my son had heard that one day as well). It is ALMOST OVER and the future is very bright! I often wear a hat that says "Glory Days not Gloomy Days" and has "Numbers 14:21" on the side. It is coming. His Glory will feel the earth.....the prodigals will come home....and all will be healed. I am believing it! Keep the Faith! God is not a man that He should lie....His promises will come to pass!
I am sure your experience resonates with many parents affected by this social contagion. Our beautiful, vulnerable autistc children/young adults...lives harmed before they'd even began. I hope he comes home to himself and family soon.
This almost mirrors our experience. Eating disorder, younger sister, everything.
He is now 27 and 'escaped' our home to move across the country. Has no contact with us & has slandered & accused us falsely. I pray he continues to hold onto your family.
Beautiful written, and resonated with me profoundly. So much sounds like my experience and my son’s , minus the eating disorder. But my favorite part was towards the end when you admitted your powerlessness over his choices, but what is within your lotus of control. That is very helpful for parents of young adult trans children. Thank you. And keep hoping.
"Lotus of control." I know this was a typo, but I like it much better than "locus of control." No, we're not in control of the flowering lotus, but somehow imagining a lotus opening and unfolding speaks to me of hope.
One sentence stood out for me, the one about real life being the treatment. I believe this to be true - our kids need to stop navel gazing and obsessing about identify and get out into the real world doing real things. I have noticed a positive change in my daughter since she started to work more.
Your son sounds so much like mine I wonder if they would be friends in a different universe (Did you see the Broken Trains article from a few weeks ago?). Despite the sharp turns and issues with the steam engine, I'm praying your family can keep that train on the tracks!
“The self he was fleeing wasn’t male — it was the self that had failed, that had been left out, that had stopped trying”
That’s what many of our boys are going through, yet it’s always framed as AGP or pervert. Trans is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Trans was given a way of “being” by sexologists/therapists back in the day. It was all built on a lie by stupid professionals.
I hope your son and all our sons come back to reality. And then we will deal with the aftermath.
Peace and strength to you and your family.
So heartbreaking. Hoping and praying that your son wakes up soon - or as you put so beautifully and poignantly he is on a round trip ticket back to him.
I have come to some of the same convictions and conclusions that you have: "At this point, I no longer believe I control my son’s choices. I cannot force insight, maturity, or change. I cannot compete with the constant reinforcement he receives online and from peers who see the world differently than I do.
What I can do is maintain limits, preserve our relationship where possible, encourage engagement with real life, and continue loving him while refusing to pretend I believe harmful choices are healthy ones"
And I love how you put this:
"I hope he is on a round-trip ticket back to himself". Amen!
I share the sadness in so many ways. But in reading this story, I also hear cracks in his mantle of false beliefs: the friend he allowed in just enough to internalize the statement about getting over the anxiety, the comment about the theatrical nature of the trans community he made in high school, his willingness to be in the home with his family despite you not acquiescing to the preferred name/pronouns (he clearly knows it’s a safe place for him and that you all love him deeply), etc. In addition to this being a story of sadness, it sounds like there is also room for hope and recovery.
”I hope he is on a round trip ticket back to him.” Well put! I hope so too - for your son and my daughter and for all of our children…
I felt your pain coming through in this essay deeply because I have been, and am, in a similar place with my own daughter, who no longer speaks to me.
I empathize. Deeply.
A suggestion. Make your home wide open to your real daughter’s friends. When she said you let your son get away with things, I hear in that that she needs more availability of her own home. Maybe every other weekend allow her to be hostess of a brunch, lunch or afternoon party.
Is this relevant to your son? No, if he is not living in the same home. But don’t get blindsided because your son is soaking up attention from you.
Completely agree. We have to make space for our other children to be loved and celebrated. It’s so easy to see only the pain and to not have gratitude and joy in what else is right in front of you.
I just wrote a longer comment and somehow lost it. :(. I can assure you that this madness will be ending and hopefully (and I'm believing) sooner than we think. I have been down MANY rabbit holes and spent hours and hours learning about this whole mess.....and most recently have been listening to many prophetic voices.....all who are speaking of the earth being filled with God's Glory, the prodigals coming home, and a full restoration of all things. It's extremely complex....and all the evil is connected, from banking to child sex trafficking, to what has been happening to our children (and many many other things). God is and has been moving and we are about to see Him in a VERY BIG WAY! Hang in there and keep the faith....and when it happens do not fear....because what is going to happen must happen in order to deliver us from this evil!!
Thank you
Please God, end the madness. You tell us in scripture that a millstone should be on those who harm a child. “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.”
Luke 17:2 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/luk.17.2.ESV
Lord, we ray that you would intervene, because truly you are our only hope!
I can assure you we are about to be witness to God's intervention! I was just typing a longer comment and somehow closed it out and lost it but was just getting ready to quote that verse about the millstone! I have been listening to many prophetic voices over the past few years and they are all saying much of the same thing. Many speak of Joel 2:31 and the great and terrible day of the Lord. I've heard "reverse rapture" (and interestingly my son had heard that one day as well). It is ALMOST OVER and the future is very bright! I often wear a hat that says "Glory Days not Gloomy Days" and has "Numbers 14:21" on the side. It is coming. His Glory will feel the earth.....the prodigals will come home....and all will be healed. I am believing it! Keep the Faith! God is not a man that He should lie....His promises will come to pass!
Agreeing with you in Jesus name! Come Lord Jesus!!!
AMEN!!
I am sure your experience resonates with many parents affected by this social contagion. Our beautiful, vulnerable autistc children/young adults...lives harmed before they'd even began. I hope he comes home to himself and family soon.
So heartbreaking. When will this madness end?
This almost mirrors our experience. Eating disorder, younger sister, everything.
He is now 27 and 'escaped' our home to move across the country. Has no contact with us & has slandered & accused us falsely. I pray he continues to hold onto your family.
Beautiful written, and resonated with me profoundly. So much sounds like my experience and my son’s , minus the eating disorder. But my favorite part was towards the end when you admitted your powerlessness over his choices, but what is within your lotus of control. That is very helpful for parents of young adult trans children. Thank you. And keep hoping.
"Lotus of control." I know this was a typo, but I like it much better than "locus of control." No, we're not in control of the flowering lotus, but somehow imagining a lotus opening and unfolding speaks to me of hope.