Thank You

I had an appointment with God on Black Friday, and was given a vision, a message, and an understanding that I didn’t have before. From that, a newfound sense of gratitude has taken hold of me, and I am learning to lean into it and say thank you, for everything. From this new paradigm, I’ve decided to send this final letter to my daughter, and I thought perhaps I might share it with PITT as well, knowing how much peace this newfound gratitude has brought me, and how desperate the heart of an estranged parent is for such peace.

May the peace that surpasses human understanding and full restoration come to all of your families this Christmas, and always.

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Dearest Daughter,

For the past year and a half, I have done my best to honor your wishes not to be contacted by your father and me. Though I have sent a couple of letters despite that, I hope you understand that as your mother—who loves you deeply—this has been incredibly painful for us and it has been difficult for me to remain silent. Watching you turn away and harden your heart towards us has been devastating far beyond words. I’ve really tried to hold my tongue, and I apologize for not doing so now, but I have something very important to say. After this, I promise to respect your wishes. However, please know that our door, and our hearts, will always remain open for you. You are part of us, always, and you will forever belong to us in love and spirit.

What I need to say is simple: thank you.

Thank you for allowing me the honor of being the vessel through which you entered this world. Thank you for making me a mother and teaching me what it means to love unconditionally. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to give you the childhood I always dreamed of but never had. Thank you for your brightness, your beauty, your curiosity, empathy, creativity, charm, and courage. Thank you for becoming a strong willed, independent woman who boldly pursues her own understanding of what is true and good. Thank you for being a wonderful big sister to your siblings, offering them your love and care.

I even want to thank you for the hell and horror of this past year and a half, devastating as it all has been. I didn’t know we were strong enough to endure so much grief and heartbreak, but I now understand that our love —for each other and for you— has made us incredibly resilient. I have come to see grief as merely love with nowhere to go, which is why we have so much of it; we love you so very much!

Since I cannot give you my love directly, I send it to you energetically—in my prayers, in every thought of you, every single day.

Thank you for the best years of my life. Thank you for teaching me, through this difficult time, that we are all precious in the sight of God, flaws and all. I may not have received unconditional love from my own parents, but I have tried, with my whole heart, to give it to you and your siblings. And through this journey, I have learned that I am also worthy of such love. And so, for all the lessons —through the pain, the tears, the joy, and the laughter— I thank you sincerely. For everything. Thank you.

With all my love, always,

Mom