Thank You, Helene

Last year I found out (accidentally) that my teen-aged son (who has complex needs and a laundry list of psychiatric diagnoses), snuck off not long after his 18^th birthday to get “feminising hormones”.

Without going into too much detail, it is clear that there has been active collusion by health professionals in a process of grooming my son towards a transgender identification – health professionals who we, his parents, organised, paid for and trusted.  

He was quickly prescribed “gender” hormones (possibly at the first visit) despite his long list of co-morbidities.  Since them, my son has been secretly using money given to him by us to purchase these drugs, despite knowing that we would object. When we became suspicious at one point, and I asked if he was taking hormones, our formerly scrupulously honest son lied to my face and said no.

When I confronted him after accidentally finding the evidence of his hormone use, his main concern was that we had (supposedly) invaded his privacy. He was aggrieved and sullen that we would not pretend to be OK with his self-harm and was totally unapologetic about the lying and deception.  

I vacillate between rage, hurt, guilt, and pity and fear for my son and his future. This is a genuine cult. He has been mercilessly manipulated and harmed by “professionals” who were supposed to help him, and his suffering is real.  He perfectly fits the profile of an ROGD boy and has struggled mightily with probable autism, mental health issues, and the effects of COVID lockdowns.

At the same time, I am starting to recognise that my son is an adult (though only just), and responsible for his actions. He actively and angrily rejects parental advice, preferring the propaganda from strangers on the internet and from paid “health professionals”, who will not be there to pick up the pieces when this mess goes awry. But guess who will be doing that?

He is trying to organise to move out. He distances himself as much as he can from all family members and we fear will estrange himself at the first opportunity. Goodness knows his family is not perfect, but we are perfectly decent – our only crime is to refuse to bow to this cult.

I am an expert at beating myself up and I have been doing this mercilessly for some time, ruminating endlessly about what I could have done over the last few years to prevent this catastrophic outcome.

In terms of trying to be easier on myself, the comments of the wonderful detransitioner, Helene, are so helpful to me. 

In the comments section of the PITT  essay, “It Finally Broke Me”, Helene makes some wonderfully caring and reassuring comments. She says (in part):

……..With the powers that have never been conferred to me and a complete lack of authority, if only my life experience and my brokenness as a detransitioner, I declare you free of any false sense of shame, fault or obligation. …………

..You have done it all. You are now officially done. ……

…….You are now free. Enjoy every aspect of it. You deserve it. You can sleep well with the satisfaction that you raised your insanely difficult son well and you made it alive. You have in you to go forward. You are anything but broken. You are one solid, courageous, head strong mama who has kept her sanity and her sense of human dignity in the midst of utter craziness. You can be proud of yourself. I'm of you…….

..There's NOTHING my parents could have said, not say, done, not do, understand, change in their minds or in their ways that would have made a difference in the trajectory I was dead set on taking and saved me from the terrible mistake I was proudly and loudly determined to make…

..Parents need to absolve themselves and quit practicing the mental torture of wondering where they were wrong and what they could have said or done differently. The answer is nowhere and nothing. Every parent makes mistakes. If those were responsible for the kids' gender orientation, then every kid would be trans……….

…………Your job is done. You did your very best. You bear no responsibility whatsoever in his choice. Keep loving him, even from far. Protect your heart from debilitating anger and excessive sorrow. It will off you (destroy you). Assure him that the door of your heart will always be open to him and your sane mind will always remain hermetic to the gender madness he fell for. Wishing you peace and hoping the best (aka desistance) for him.

Thank you, Helene! These comments made so much difference to me today. I have copied them into my journal, to re-read whenever I fall into the trap of self-flagellation again. I recommend that other parents do the same.