The Dreaded Extended Family Vacation

Noticing how my sister's family handled their black sheep helped to ease my grief

My husband and I have not directly told my mother, nor my sister and her husband, about our youngest’s trans declaration at age 13. She is now 20 years old, with an autism and ADHD diagnosis. I am sure they have an inkling about the trans but nothing has ever been discussed (per her request including that I not tell dad, haha, I could only keep it from him for a few months). What that offers us is a home life where we still call her Kathy* and not Max** and family vacations where my grief is never discussed amongst all the other intuitive topics that come up and feed my INTJ¹ soul the only way conversation and vacation can.

My grief is lonely.

So much pretending on all parts so that, now that I am home, I am exhausted.

As I reflect on the extended family vacation of which included my sister, her husband and their three kids with their eldest’s new spouse, my mom, and our immediate family with the two older brother’s new girlfriends- 14 people in total. My enneagram #1² is “shoulding” all over myself. I should have bought more snacks and sunscreen, structured more activities, gotten up earlier, asked more questions, finished more books on the beach, had more alone time, journaled, exercised, said the prayer at mealtime, made Kathy do more, played pickleball when asked, rested more, said yes to going out with my husband on the last night, and in general made every moment count. But I thought I did. I love my sister and her family. So why can’t I see that we made every moment count? Comparison is the thief of joy and being around 13 other people for a week, I am afraid comparison was in my face all the time and my sister’s family looked perfect. All my imperfections were glaring. My sister married into a rich family; her kids seemed to be doing the “right” age-appropriate things; they seemed to be having fun; and we didn’t have bonding moments all the time or really at any time as we were too busy “relaxing”.

Sometimes when you are dealing with something in secret, you don’t fully feel a part of the laughter and fun around you. And I should have been grateful for what we had but the vacation felt hollow.

I can see now that there were very few vulnerable moments, which is many times how bonding happens. I should know better - everyone is dealing with something. My mom shared one vulnerable moment with me in an hour-long intuitive conversation and it was the highlight of my vacation. It is possible that no one else in my extended family has the same type of intuition as me and my mom (INFJ enneagram #4) but it is also possible that there were other sufferings in secret and vacation is a chance to put the grief on a shelf for a bit. With my daughter in front of me NOT living her best life it was hard not to take the grief off the shelf and stare at it. Kathy only engaged at mealtimes, a couple playful afternoons in the pool and with me when she had two panic attacks. She lamented not having a space to herself but I secretly liked that she was always in the living room and not holed up in her bedroom like her cousin. You see, her cousin around the same age is ripe for trans influencing. A loner who doesn’t fit in, so she claims she doesn’t like people. She reads a lot of books but is also online a lot, dropped out of college and lives alone with a menial job. She would live at home but she feels enormous pressure from her parents to well, just get up early in the morning like they do. We only saw her at mealtimes too and the occasional outing. It is hard not to wonder how my kid got sucked into trans and my sister’s kid did not. Personality types might be a factor as Kathy is a 6 and her cousin is a 5. Autism and ADHD could be a factor even though her cousin may have ADHD or even be Autistic. Actually, looking at this vacation, I am not sure trans matters right now as it is hard to tell the difference. Her cousin is NOT living her best life either, although she thinks she is and I am pretty sure my sister is grieved about her daughter even though she tries not to be. My pity for my niece and the vulnerability from mom helped my grief feel less lonely.

It got me thinking about Gen Z (all of our kiddos are Gen Z) and how the rise of the smart phone and social media has caused a mental health crisis, especially for girls.³Again, why these girls? Or are all the pretty girls drowning in anxiety too? Comparison is the thief of joy multiplied by 1000 using the internet. Kathy and her cousin know they are not doing “woman” the right way so they hide themselves even on vacation.

Reading this back, it is hard not to rank the suffering. Mine seems trivial when compared to my mom’s or her friends’ or even most people who write to PITT: death of a spouse and now alone, cheated on by a spouse and now alone, our children who got sucked into a cult and in the trans cult - medicalize, death of a daughter or son and an ache that never leaves you alone, special needs son or daughter living at home for the rest of their lives, dealing with brain cancer or any cancer, etc. Maybe my sister would tell me to move on and Kathy is going to do what she wants to do as an adult so let her. That’s not fair - I don’t know what she would say because I’ve never told her the truth. I really don’t want to burden her or my mom with this heartache.

Like my autistic daughter, I study patterns. The pattern I noticed most on vacation was how we handle grief that never leaves even while on vacation. My mom journaled, exercised, got up early and prayed, and tended to the needs of her loved ones around her grateful to be on this vacation. My sister just let her daughter be alone so I wonder if she is just stuffing her grief or just taking care of herself. I left Kathy to her own schedule as well but I did not know what to do with my grief and it tainted my relaxation. There is no wrong way to vacation (just like there is no wrong way to be a woman) but I am not a fan of ignoring or putting grief on a shelf and I really need to admit my feelings at least to myself. Especially, and here is the crux of the matter, especially when my child was influenced by a sick society and a school culture that allowed this wrongthink to persist in children. I just want to kick someone’s ass. I wonder if there is a vacation for that. And if my extended family knew the truth, I think they might want to go with me.

Starred Notes:

Kathy* not her real name

Max** not her real “chosen” god-awful boy name never uttered at home

More from the author:

First PITT article: Please Don’t, also published in PITT Volume 2 p.188

Second PITT article: Please Don’t part 2: Autism

1. Myers Briggs info link, it does not put you in a box – it helps you understand your preferences, one of many free tests here

2. Enneagram numbers info link, it helps explain your motivations (core desires and fears) and how you act in growth and stress, free test (just use test 1) here

And the following enneagram test was recommended by more people, if you want to add it https://enneagram-personality.com/

3. “Socially prescribed perfectionism is closely related to anxiety; people who suffer from anxiety are more prone to it. Being a perfectionist also increases your anxiety because you fear the shame of public failure from everything you do. And, as you’d expect by this point in the story, socially prescribed perfectionism began rising, across the Anglosphere nations, in the early 2010s.” ― Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Caused an Epidemic of Mental Illness