The Letter My 18-Year-Old Trans-Identified Daughter Would Love to Receive

(A Letter I Would Never Write)

Dear [],

I’m sorry, and I agree with you. You will be better off once your body looks totally different. You should lop off those breasts immediately. And let’s get you on synthetic testosterone (I mean “T” - I’m still getting used to the lingo), lots of it, so you can transform your body to appear male. You were never meant to be a woman, and I will help you in any way I can to change your body.

I will never use the name I gave you at birth again. That would be a painful reminder that you were born with a female body, and we both know you were never really female, not in your brain.

I will burn those old photos of you. They show you with stereotypically female attire and are another painful reminder that you were born with a female body. Yuck.

Thanks for letting me know you are my son, not my daughter. I stupidly thought you were my daughter just because you had a female body. What a jerk I was.

I am so sorry I didn’t put you on puberty blockers at 13, once you informed me that you are really my son. I was a fool to force you to continue going through natural puberty. Look what it did to you! You have breasts and slightly curvy hips. (Sure, the breasts were already there at 13, but they grew more after I knew, and maybe they were small enough back then that they wouldn’t have been noticeable once you were on T and built up enough chest muscle.) I’m the reason you have to get top surgery, and those slight curves on your hips will possibly be with you forever, although I’m sure the T will help cover those curves up with muscle too. I was a moron.

I should have at least put you on cross-sex hormones at 14 or 15, and arranged that top surgery, but no, I had to believe you’d “get over” your conviction that you were a boy. I was such a fool. How could I not realize that you are a bisexual, effeminate male? It should have been obvious, at least once you told me that you were a boy and started dressing and acting like an effeminate male.

Why did I impose my own self-centered priorities for a healthy body, potential sexual pleasure, and the possibility of giving birth on you when you clearly don’t care about those things? I had some nerve.

It’s now been five years since you told me you are really a boy. If I had gone along with you and not interfered with your plans, you would look like a man today - and we all know that looking like a man makes you a man. The fact that you would likely also be sterile and sexually dysfunctional is, again, not an issue I should have concerned myself with, and my worries about your health are just that, my worries, not yours. You’re willing to take the risks, so I should be too. Besides, the risks to your health are so minimal. The science is clear.

If I had just gone along with you, we would be so close, and we could go on Pride marches together, and it would be you and me against the whole transphobic world - the ones who think it’s not a good idea to mess with your healthy body (how dare they!), but I don’t deserve your love because I didn’t believe you were really a boy.

I just thought you were confused and that you would eventually come to accept your precious healthy body. My bad. What’s so precious about a healthy body anyway, if you don’t like it? Your subjective experience of your body is all that matters, and my attempts to convince you that there was nothing wrong with your body were oppressive and evil.

It’s patently obvious to you and to other trans people - those with the same body disorder you have - that you have the wrong body. You would know what your body should look like. You would know if you are supposed to be male. Who was I to question that? That’s not my job as a mother. My job is to facilitate your heart’s desire without question.

Those detranstioners, you’re right about them. They are just stupid people. They shouldn’t be used as an excuse to question whether young people like you know who and what they are. Sure, they made mistakes, but you’re not like them. You’re so much smarter than they are.

Being trans is not the same as people who hate their noses or think they’re too fat. Those people are just wrong. They need to be helped to see that their bodies are just fine. You can’t have the wrong nose, but you can have the wrong sex, and modern medicine can fix that. Why didn’t I realize that sooner?

I hope you can forgive me for these many sins. I now realize that your body was the problem all along. It was wrong for you. It’s a good thing modern medicine finally can help the many, many thousands of people whose body is the wrong sex! We all know that it is a scientific truth that some people are born with the wrong sexed body, and they need medical treatments to align their bodies with their brains. That there is no test for this is irrelevant. It’s quite clear from the fact that so many people are happy they transitioned. (And again, those who aren’t happy are just stupid.)

I mean, hey, we used to not know about germs, but they were there! Just because science hasn’t found a way to determine that someone is trans (ie. must alter their body to appear as the opposite sex in order to ever have a semblance of a happy life) doesn’t mean someone isn’t trans!

That I didn’t immediately jump on the bandwagon, and, as your mother, give those life-saving chemicals and surgeries my utmost priority was vile. I don’t even know if I can forgive myself.

I should have listened to the AAP, the APA and the Endocrine Society. They know what they’re doing. And all the hospitals performing the surgeries and other procedures to help people like you feel better about their bodies, we have to be thankful for them. Big Pharma is on our side by producing all that T and E - what a wonderful thing. Surely, all these doctors, hospitals and drug companies must be right? What other motive could they possibly have?

And you’re right, of course. All those doctors and therapists who disagree with the affirmation model, who think the first line of defense is exploratory therapy, who think young people are still evolving their identities up to about age 25 and shouldn’t be rushed to permanent medical alterations of their bodies, they must all be crackpots. Hillary Cass - obviously a biased jerk who ignored the overwhelming evidence of the efficacy of T and E and gender affirming surgeries and procedures. Her review - 388 pages of sheer nonsense. SEGM - what a bunch of crazies. They must hate trans people, which is the only reason they would question the science behind transition. What else could possibly drive these doctors and other medical professionals to question this well-established science?

Finland and Sweden - probably just taken over by right-wing conservatives who hate anyone who’s different - why else would they now exercise “caution” (just another word for medical abuse, right)?

Why was I not swayed by the fact that most large corporations believe in affirmation? Since when did a large bank, Starbucks, or any other big conglomerate ever not have our backs? What the hell was I thinking?

Even our dear President Biden believes in affirmation. He gave that moving speech back in 2022 where he said: “To parents of transgender children, affirming your child's identity is the most powerful thing you can do to keep them safe and healthy.” His administration is putting things right by changing Title IX to protect vulnerable trans-women, allowing them to be women in all respects, including sports! His administration encouraged (with financial incentives) universities to facilitate social and medical transition for young people and made policies to encourage primary and secondary schools to do the same. Why didn’t I listen to him? Since when did a sitting President ever steer anyone wrong? What motive could he possibly have other than sharing the truth? And wouldn’t he know the truth? After all, he’s the President!

Schools, teachers, universities, professors, journalists, entertainers (with notable exceptions), friends and neighbors, so many of them agree with you, and yet I had to disagree. I had to think they were all wrong about this. I had to agree with hateful lunatics like that J.K. Rowling, whining about women’s safety, as if a trans-woman could ever hurt another woman? What’s wrong with her?

I had to think it was a bad idea for a young person to medically alter their body to appear as the opposite sex before they lived as the sex they are. I had to think that you might not really know what it was like to actually be a woman, just because you hadn’t had the chance to be one. Hey, I haven’t ever worked in a mine, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to work in a mine, and I haven’t lived in a really cold climate like the Antarctica, but I’m really sure I would hate that. Why couldn’t I just accept that you know living as a woman with a womanly body is just not for you?

Why was I not convinced you were right by the mere fact that so many people agree with you? It’s not like there’s ever been any historical period in which the majority of people were wrong about something. How dare I think I somehow knew something that the majority of people were unaware of! Shame on me.

I hope I can make it up to you by facilitating your transformation now, at age 18, before you waste another minute in that female body. I hope I can earn back your love. Let’s get started.

Love, Mommy