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MirandaIV's avatar

My six foot handsome son decided that he was a woman two years ago and we have had extremely little contact since. Recently he said he would like us back in his life, but I realised after over a year of horrendous pain, that I cannot put myself through trying to make a relationship with the creature that he has now become. I find “her” repugnant and frightening, freakish and weird. The hypersexualised fetishishtic clothes and behaviour repel me and scare me at a gut level in complete opposition to my strongly masculine, gorgeous, funny son of two years ago.

I am so traumatised by the things that he did to himself (not just trying to be a woman but serious drugs and involvement with the porn and prostitution industries and being the victim of two rapes and one attempted murder) that

I simply cannot cope with it anymore. I’m desperately trying to move on and let it go. It is getting better with the help of antidepressants, however, I will never be the same positive optimistic person. My trust in life is shattered for ever I suspect.

I agree that losing the horrendous pain of grief also leads to loss of empathy and caring. Maybe this will come back eventually, but the numbness is way better than the pain.

I am both horrified and comforted by the fact there are so many of us parents in this position. How could we ever have deserved such cruelty?

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Pat W's avatar

I could have written this, it is exactly my story. How can there be so many of us, and in steadily increasing numbers? I am on medication, which helps me cope day-to-day, and I know that as well as numbing the pain, this medication also numbs my ability to care deeply about anything. I recognise this change in me, someone who cried easily at sad films, cried at any news of harm to children or animals, felt euphoric at beautiful sunsets or sunrises, at the beauty of nature - I don't feel any of those things deeply any more. What kills me most of all is knowing that the girl I knew is gone forever, and our beautiful relationship is gone forever. She made me laugh, every day, she was funny, intelligent, witty, caring, selfless, all those things that our beautiful lost children are. Whatever the future holds, she won't be in it, I will never again laugh with her, and run through the happy memories we shared (because that's not allowed). Instead, if I want a relationship, it has to be with this new person, this person I don't recognise, this person who has taken the place of my beautiful child. And now I'm crying... just when I think I don't/can't care any more, actually, it's all still there, right under that massive heap of heartache... I miss her so, so much.

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