The Other Side of Estrangement

Perspective of the Adult Children

There’s much psychobabble these days on the joys of leaving your family behind, letting go of the toxicity and living your best life. Many of the us parents have young adult children caught up in gender ideology. Many of us will not affirm. We cannot affirm because it goes against everything we hold dear – our concern for the well-being of those children, our belief in science, our knowledge of the power of social contagion. Even though we can’t affirm we can still love and support our children. But often that’s not enough. We have to drink the Kool-Aid and we have to say how much we enjoy it. Adult children sometimes estrange themselves from their parents over these differing views of gender ideology leaving parents heartbroken.

But what is the perspective of the adult child who has estranged themselves? A quick perusal of some recent comments in the “Estranged Adult Children Reddit” site is telling. Here’s a sampling:

• Why is it the Estranged Parents never seem to have a clue? Any ideas how this class of suffering victims doesn't have any idea of what they may or may not have done?

• It comes down to emotional immaturity and an inability (or unwillingness) to self-reflect

• I tried to confront my mother once about boundaries (I am no contact now). She went on an hour long rant, sobbing. At one point she said “I don’t know if I can go to therapy and revisit all the stuff from my childhood… it’s just so hard!”. I knew then that I needed to go no contact.

• The way they behave toward their children is the same behavior their parents had toward them. It's generational and cyclic until someone breaks that cycle. Then that someone is the bad guy instead of them welcoming healthy change.

• They frame it like they're trying to protect you but it's really just control. They love you until you become your own person and can actually stand up to them.

• My parents went through war, and their parents went through 2 wars & the Great Depression. Just keeping kids alive at that time was considered sufficient, thus my parents have a super low baseline and zero concept of emotionally attuned parenting.

• People hate it when you shine a spotlight on their dysfunction.

• "God knows, we did our very best, we gave them everything, we were not abusive, we had a good relationship till all of a sudden - nothing, no contact at all." Sometimes they'll add: "We weren't perfect which is an indication that they do know that they were shitty parents.

• So many times. Parents act like asshole toddlers—> a kindergarten level convo where I explain how it’s okay for adults to apologize even if the hurt happened a long time ago—>parent has a meltdown and blames me—> no contact.

• "We weren't perfect" Yeah, that's essentially, a straw man argument. They do love that one. But children don't estrange because parents fail to be perfect.

• It’s easier to be a victim than to accept you’re a perpetrator.

• At any point, they could CHOOSE to cultivate a curiosity and open attitude toward me or the issues but they have chosen to not do that. I have given them a million logical reasons why they should but they dismissed them all (also their choice). So... BYE BYE PARENTS 👋

• They have the self-reflection of a vampire.

Can you imagine a parent talking about their children this way? Can you imagine parents obsessing about their children’s character flaws and then posting them online for others to see? Can you envision parents ruminating about decades of their lives and trying to find out whom to blame for its disappointments instead of living their lives? Can you imagine parents putting responsibility for any difficulties in the parent/child relationship squarely on the children?

In this worldview children have the right to a psychologically healthy, nurturing, loving, sheltered, child-centric childhood. And they have no responsibilities. Parents on the other hand are responsible for providing that idyllic childhood, despite any medical, emotional, financial, etc. problems they may personally be dealing with. And the parents have no rights.

An adult child complaining publicly about their parents and going “no contact” is deemed a healthy life-affirming move. If a parent publicly shamed their adult child and went “no contact” they would be considered terrible parents, as they should be. They would be bad parents! Parents shouldn’t cut off contact. But neither should their adult children. These children are unwilling to work to repair an integral family relationship because they are conflict avoidant.  That is not brave, healthy or mature. It is childish and narcissistic.

Note that not one of these comments are along the lines of “I told my parents they were terrible to me and cut them off and they were fine with it”. No, the parents are begging to re-establish the relationship. They are pleading to understand what they did wrong and how they can atone for it. And these adult children dismiss them out of hand. If the parents were so bad, why aren’t the parents on board for “no contact”?  Parents crying, parents pleading, parents explaining that their own childhood was one of war and deprivation is just more fodder for the “how easily I cut them off” self-congratulations.

The lack of awareness expressed here, the level of glee at the suffering of fellow humans (who, yes, happen to be their parents) is astounding. But speaking as a parent, I’m confident their parents will come back for more. That is what love looks like – imperfect, difficult, frustrating and everlasting. I hope these adult children will experience that love someday and be able to return it.