The Prodigal Son's Father

My adult son detransitioned about 6 months ago, but still identifies as queer, and is still very much part of the queer community (although he is not gay). His mentor is a detransitioned MtoF that I met when he still identified as female, and he continues to be a major influence in my son's life. I believe my son, who has autistic traits, just wants to be a part of a community, to be accepted, and he is in a group that accepts him, for now. 

His dad and I are very grateful every day that he doesn't identify as female any longer, we are relieved that he has accepts reality, and that he processed the futility of pursuing a trans identity. I am grateful that he won't continue to harm his physical body, but we are still concerned about his mental health, his desire to belong to this community, and for his future. 

It's not over just because he is no longer on hormones. So much has been lost: time, trust, relationships, dreams, goals, things that can't be undone. But it is a change in a positive direction. 

I want to encourage those parents who are in pain and currently estranged, I want to give them hope to wait it out and not lose themselves. Never give up praying. Just because things look bleak now, you never know how your child's heart can change. You have to work on yourself for them, for your other family members, and for yourself. I did not do any of  these things well for a very long time. I'm still working on it. Give yourself some grace. We know how you feel.

Many of you know the story of the prodigal son found in the Bible in Luke 15:11, or you at least, are familiar with the reference. We can learn some important things from how the father of the prodigal handled his grief of his wayward son's rejection: 

1. Stay on the porch. Keep doing what you've been doing. Go to work. It's likely that the father suffered from sorrow, grief, and maybe depression from his son leaving the family and living a reckless, dangerous life. But the father continued to go to work in the fields, to sow another crop. There would have been no food for his other son, or his servants or anyone else in his household if he had stopped working. There would be no ring for his son's finger, no robe for his shoulders, or sandals for his feet. Don't follow them into despair and become useless. 

2. Stay faithful to God, to your beliefs. Your children already know what you think. They grew up with you. You don't need to argue ideology with them. It's their battle to figure out, as painful as it is to watch. Stay with your convictions. If you are a person of faith, don't give up now. If there is something you did that may have hurt them, sincerely and humbly apologize, but don't apologize for something you didn't do. Show true humility and love. Your children need to see you staying strong in your faith. They need a strong, stable parent to return to. 

3. Remember your other children. They are your heritage. They have been faithful. Don't neglect them. In your time of trial, don't forget them. Show them your love and appreciation. Be there for them. Note: I know some of you have children who are angry and/or estranged from you because you don't affirm their trans-identified sibling. My heart hurts for this double assault on you. It is cruel and just beyond comprehension. Try to remember they are being lied to also. Forgive them. 

4. Don't turn to vices, like alcohol, pills, food, scrolling, or other self-destructive behaviors. Limit your time researching and trying to uncover "why", "how did this happen?" Honestly, you may never know the real answer. Commit to finding things to do that are healthy, enriching, comforting, even if it's one very small thing that you gives you a little joy. I know it's hard to feel it sometimes, but you get to be happy. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself. I had to really fight to do this. 

5. Forgive the prodigal. "...his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." The father forgave his son completely. He loved him unconditionally. If your son or your daughter's behavior has been completely out of character, see them as a victim of lies and mental health issues. This can help you to find your compassion again when you've lost it to anger. Remember: the relationship is the most important thing. Try to keep this in mind during the hardest times. 

6. Keep searching the road, watching expectantly. Always have hope. Can't you see this father, staying on the porch every evening as the daylight dims, straining his eyes on the road, watching for his son? Don't give up praying, waiting, expecting their return. Take a break when you need it. Take care of yourself. Don't give up hoping.