I'm genuinely astonished at how many children rule their parents with this ideology, I'm pretty shocked that I'm one of the only ones who refused to buckle or bend-i was never cruel to my child but I point blank refused to see her as a boy and I was fully ready to take the school to court and any doctor too,damn straight (which in Scotland my child would have to take me with,oh that would have been fun!!)
I will keep screaming that all of this is abuse,abuse by the medical industry, abuse by the schools and by god,abuse by the parents who allow it.
You can only live the lie for so long. Sooner or later you both need to get on with your own lives. She may not like it but it may get her thinking and God willing, de-transitioning. I know you mean well but she's using you as a crutch. Please stop living a lie; you are not helping your daughter or yourselves.
I agree. Enabling her in her delusion does not ultimately help her and robs you of your own life. It's your house, your money and you deserve to discuss your opinions on this issue. The trans influencers and leaders could care less about you and your happiness. If you can't talk freely about your concerns with your daughter then she doesn't want your help and at this point there may be nothing you can do. So free yourself of this trans ideology, the pain and the prison. Live your life the way you want to. Your daughter will have to figure this out.
My friend, I am so sorry you are going through this. We all try and deal with this as best we can with what we have.
I know you are afraid to abandon her and I know you love that and want her to snap put of this and I also know this... the very definition if madness, is to do the same thing over amd over and expect change. If you TRULY want this to change, then it is time to try something different.
I believe You need to tell her it's time she either wakes up to the reality of the lie she is trying to live or to move out. You can do this in a loving way, it doesn't have to be harsh. Tell her you and her are going out to find her a job. Tell her you will only call her by her real name and sex and she is free to leave if she doesn't like it. Every single morning, hound the hell out of her to get up and go get a job. Take away 3 I.lortant things she loves that you have paid for and tell her she is 25 and needs to grow up and face reality. Tell her, in a loving way, that she is holding you hostage to her selfish beliefs and you've had enough. That she is free to go live like that outside the home but it's not welcomed in the home anymore. Tell her you are sorry you weren't more honest about how you felt in the beginning, but enough is enough.
Trust me... she will shit herself and one of 2 things will happen. Either
A. She will SLOWLY find a way to back peddle her beliefs and hopefully detransition or
B. She will get a job and move out and you will be able to live your life without being held hostage to her selfish beliefs.
Either way, she will need to be held accountable for her choices and this is a very important growth opportunity for her.
Don't let Netflix mesmerize you anymore to be held hostage in your own home.
Don't let a confused and selfish childish adult bully you into a non existence.
Do something different. At least you will have self respect and won't be living a lie anymore.
Author, my heart goes out to you. The stories on PITT always attract a lot of comments. Most are from parents going through the same thing. Others are lurkers, political junkies who see our stories like a train wreck that they view for their entertainment. And probably some comments are from people employed in a propaganda mill in a hostile country trying to create political turmoil. I hope you won't pay attention to those sorts of comments. Any parent going through this knows that this is HARD. The old rules (boundaries, limits, tough love) don't guarantee success. Maybe they were effective back when there was shared understanding in the culture on what was rational and what was right and wrong. Pre-pandemic approaches ("kick them out when they're 18") won't necessarily work, because many of our 18 year-olds have the emotional maturity of someone 3-4 years younger, especially if ADHD or autism is a factor (see Russell Barkley's videos on ADHD and emotional regulation). Even our 20-something kids may have regressed in maturity. My oldest used to be quite capable and independent, but the pandemic turned her into a basket case. We're all just trying to do our best. With my oldest I chose the tough love route, and we've been estranged for 3 years. With my youngest I'm trying compassion and gentleness but I don't know if that's helping.
I can tell you what enabling a liar looks like. My BIL will be 50 next month and he’s in a nursing home with a psych ward - probably until he dies, which will almost certainly be before both of his parents. He’s not transgender, but he’s engaged in narcissistic and manipulative behavior for decades. He is (well, was) brilliant and funny and a disaster and everyone went along with his lies (delusions?) The family felt sorry for him and enabled him and made excuses for him from the time he was a teenager. The first one to (finally!) tell the truth to and about him was his brother, my husband, seven years ago. For five years we didn’t see his sister or his mother because they (mother in particular) couldn’t let go - even when my BIL threatened to kill my husband and me. Let me repeat: my MIL did not see two of her three grandchildren for FIVE YEARS because of her lying son. A year ago my BIL’a lifetime of poor nutrition and heavy drinking caused him to have a form severe rapid-onset dementia. He was hospitalized for months before eventually being sent to a nursing home. He is better than he was - he didn’t even know his own name 12 months ago - but he hasn’t walked in a year. We saw my MIL for the first time in five years in April and it was shocking. She’s aged 20 years, not five. This is what enabling a poisonous child looks like.
So sad to say, Comrades! but I am glad to not be alone in this. Everything about life with a trans kid/adult is so difficult. Keep trying to share truth.
We are parents of four adult children. The younger two, ages 42 and almost 45, are caught up in the trans madness. When my kids were little, I was the “mean mother” because I had rules, bedtimes, and consequences. In your case, I would give your adult daughter and ultimatum: “You have X amount of time to find a job, get your own place, and move out. You and we need to be able to live our lives as adults. We cannot do that, and neither can you as long as this extended adolescence continues. We love you and always will. However, you need to make your adult life without dependence on us for your every need. That doesn’t mean we won’t help you as we can, when you have exhausted all your resources, but you need to build those resources now. The timing is not negotiable. We will help you move, but you need to find your own place, find your own job, find the things that will make you happy on your own.” Tough love is hard. Children who never had boundaries set for them have an almost impossible time setting boundaries for themselves. As parents, they cannot set boundaries for their children. While it will feel awful to do this, know you will be doing your daughter a favor, not just yourselves. She may someday thank you, but don’t hold your breath waiting. This is not so much about her trans identity as it is forcing the baby bird to fly the nest. Her depression and anxiety may decrease once she has to navigate her life more independently. She is right now stuck and you are enabling her stuckness.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Do not give up or give in. Be firm in the boundary and timeline you set. Be confident that she has the smarts to accomplish this. You will help, but from behind. She has to make the plans, find the resources, and take steps to see it to fruition. Big hugs!
I feel this too - I struggle with it all! I love my daughter and miss her dearly despite her living with me….I miss all that should be, that could and would be if she stopped lying to herself (and I stopped allowing it)….I get Google Photo reminders of who she was and it kills me, but I refuse to turn them off as I need the reminder of who she IS despite the masquerade going on right now. I’m not sure what I would have done differently if I could go back in time, but I sure wish I could some days if for no other reason than to hug my daughter as my daughter
When my daughter came out as trans when she was 15 I tried to do the pronouns and I did the nickname because I didn't like the chosen name and we had a misgender jar that she set up for us and it all felt like rocks in my mouth. Within a week I put an end to it. She was shocked, but she was 15. What could she do. eventually the nickname went by the wayside because that was a lie too. I stopped trying to avoid her real pronouns. I stopped trying to avoid saying her real name. now I introduce her in public as my daughter with her real name. And bonus she told me I wasn't "allowed" to out her. that's her job (which I've never witnessed her do) so I call that a win. She just turned 18 and graduated from high school and the minute she decides to medicalize is the minute I stop supporting her financially. hopefully my husband will agree. He's the softy in the family and I'm the hard ass because I fucking hate bullshit, I would much rather live an honest lonely life than a dishonest, empty life. Blood might be thicker than water, but truth trumps all.
The constant little lies even by omission are exhausting that’s why if my “trans”daughter “starts” ranting about whatever soap box critical theory is “trending” on Tik Tok my response is “I don’t care!” (even if I do!). She will then say “But you should care!” And I respond “But I don’t care.” Her response “But you should!” my response “I don’t and I don’t have to because that is my choice! You have a choice and so do I so leave me be.” Off she goes! Exhausting! But she’s learning she’s not gonna get the argument she’s looking for. It’s my strategy for claiming some of my life back.
This could have so easily been me writing this in ten years time....my daughter is 16 soon. I spent the first year of hr high school(aged 12) fighting the teacher who had told my uncomfortable in her growing body child that perhaps she was trans.
I tool her out of school and perhaps people think I was cruel but I refused from the ground up to accept this 'new' identity.
We had a whole year of tears and 'you don't understand' and torment which most of I thought was manufactured by online 'friends'.
So I went harder and I took Internet access away,wow if I thought the fights were bad before I had a whole new lot coming...but after a few weeks she started doing stuff with me,banal things like shopping and cooking,domestic life.
And slowly the talk of trans and 'you don't understand' and the myriad of other peoples(adults online)opinions started to melt away.
She will be 16 next month and finally I can see she is growing into herself,even talks of kids one day which I pointed out may not have been an option had she went on T(over my cold dead body).
I will never forgive the powers that shouldn't be for poisoning the hearts and minds of a whole generation. My child may have barely scraped through but I'll keep shouting about those that haven't until my last breath
A whole generation lost and confused and this has been the answer the medical butchers offered our children
I swear I would stick em all on the wall,that any of them accepted this without critical thinking shows they should never have been near our kids to begin with. Look at the parents who have their kids taken away for not affirming. That's the true shame,as a society we have handed our kids over to the state-if i knew then what I know now I would never have set foot in a school with either of mine.
Author, I understand your wanting to keep her close. At least you know what she is up to and you do not have to wonder if she's somewhere making a horrible mistake like getting a hysterectomy. Also, once she is out of your life, you might not hear from her for a long time. Often the only options are go along with the lies or be estranged. We made our son leave home because of drug use. We had imagined that he would never launch, that he would live in our basement until we died, hating us the whole time. He declared a trans identity after he was out of the house, although he had undoubtedly been preparing for it while he was still at home. To our surprise, after a few bumps in the road, he got himself a full-time job and an apartment with a roommate. It's a low wage job, but I'm actually glad he isn't interested in going to college yet. We have been estranged for a couple of years. I know that we are not ready to be in contact because he still claims to believe he's a woman and I won't pretend with him. I cried a lot for the first year, but now I think estrangement has been the better option for all of us. I do believe he will grow up out there and eventually have a relationship with us again, even if it takes 10 years.
Good advice—hard to keep her from thinking we are controlling her though as she is a pretty competitive candidate. If she doesn’t get into schools, the expectation will be JOB 100%— might consider hard core volunteer position for part of the year.
Yes. It’s not just the trans identity. These kids have also been brainwashed into believing they are incapable of anything, suffering from multiple mental health conditions and need accommodations and medications (which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy), that they can’t make friends or be accepted by anyone, that they will never be successful, self-supporting, or normal (although the last thing they want is to be normal). It seems from the stories I hear that they are all like this, which just proves it’s a brainwashing cult.
At five years in my daughter is slowly getting a little better. She starts her first job today! One small step toward adulthood and independence, less time available to spend on the brainwashing internet. But is it possible for her to snap out of this, and to undo the damage to her mind from the past 5 years? Will she ever be willing to try? I have no idea.
I relate so much to what you say. The introductions (or lack thereof), the fact that we’re her social life (although I would rather that than have no influence), the worry she’ll never be self-sufficient, the possibly slightly autistic (although I wonder if that’s true or just another thing she wants to identify as), the hesitation to go out of town, the memories of who she was before all this happened. Who would have ever thought we’d be part of this “club”, that this was even a thing?!
I completely second the other issues besides the trans identity; the social anxiety, the belief that they can't make it in the world, the need for meds, etc. Maybe the meds are helpful. I'm not sure in our case. But I completely relate to everything in your first paragraph. Kudos to your daughter for getting her first job.
I wonder when she started to feel out of control in her life.
I'm genuinely astonished at how many children rule their parents with this ideology, I'm pretty shocked that I'm one of the only ones who refused to buckle or bend-i was never cruel to my child but I point blank refused to see her as a boy and I was fully ready to take the school to court and any doctor too,damn straight (which in Scotland my child would have to take me with,oh that would have been fun!!)
I will keep screaming that all of this is abuse,abuse by the medical industry, abuse by the schools and by god,abuse by the parents who allow it.
Our children were born perfect
I won't bow or bend
You can only live the lie for so long. Sooner or later you both need to get on with your own lives. She may not like it but it may get her thinking and God willing, de-transitioning. I know you mean well but she's using you as a crutch. Please stop living a lie; you are not helping your daughter or yourselves.
I agree. Enabling her in her delusion does not ultimately help her and robs you of your own life. It's your house, your money and you deserve to discuss your opinions on this issue. The trans influencers and leaders could care less about you and your happiness. If you can't talk freely about your concerns with your daughter then she doesn't want your help and at this point there may be nothing you can do. So free yourself of this trans ideology, the pain and the prison. Live your life the way you want to. Your daughter will have to figure this out.
My friend, I am so sorry you are going through this. We all try and deal with this as best we can with what we have.
I know you are afraid to abandon her and I know you love that and want her to snap put of this and I also know this... the very definition if madness, is to do the same thing over amd over and expect change. If you TRULY want this to change, then it is time to try something different.
I believe You need to tell her it's time she either wakes up to the reality of the lie she is trying to live or to move out. You can do this in a loving way, it doesn't have to be harsh. Tell her you and her are going out to find her a job. Tell her you will only call her by her real name and sex and she is free to leave if she doesn't like it. Every single morning, hound the hell out of her to get up and go get a job. Take away 3 I.lortant things she loves that you have paid for and tell her she is 25 and needs to grow up and face reality. Tell her, in a loving way, that she is holding you hostage to her selfish beliefs and you've had enough. That she is free to go live like that outside the home but it's not welcomed in the home anymore. Tell her you are sorry you weren't more honest about how you felt in the beginning, but enough is enough.
Trust me... she will shit herself and one of 2 things will happen. Either
A. She will SLOWLY find a way to back peddle her beliefs and hopefully detransition or
B. She will get a job and move out and you will be able to live your life without being held hostage to her selfish beliefs.
Either way, she will need to be held accountable for her choices and this is a very important growth opportunity for her.
Don't let Netflix mesmerize you anymore to be held hostage in your own home.
Don't let a confused and selfish childish adult bully you into a non existence.
Do something different. At least you will have self respect and won't be living a lie anymore.
Best of luck friend
❤🙏❤
"Don't let a confused and selfish childish adult bully you into a non existence." Exactly!
Author, my heart goes out to you. The stories on PITT always attract a lot of comments. Most are from parents going through the same thing. Others are lurkers, political junkies who see our stories like a train wreck that they view for their entertainment. And probably some comments are from people employed in a propaganda mill in a hostile country trying to create political turmoil. I hope you won't pay attention to those sorts of comments. Any parent going through this knows that this is HARD. The old rules (boundaries, limits, tough love) don't guarantee success. Maybe they were effective back when there was shared understanding in the culture on what was rational and what was right and wrong. Pre-pandemic approaches ("kick them out when they're 18") won't necessarily work, because many of our 18 year-olds have the emotional maturity of someone 3-4 years younger, especially if ADHD or autism is a factor (see Russell Barkley's videos on ADHD and emotional regulation). Even our 20-something kids may have regressed in maturity. My oldest used to be quite capable and independent, but the pandemic turned her into a basket case. We're all just trying to do our best. With my oldest I chose the tough love route, and we've been estranged for 3 years. With my youngest I'm trying compassion and gentleness but I don't know if that's helping.
I can tell you what enabling a liar looks like. My BIL will be 50 next month and he’s in a nursing home with a psych ward - probably until he dies, which will almost certainly be before both of his parents. He’s not transgender, but he’s engaged in narcissistic and manipulative behavior for decades. He is (well, was) brilliant and funny and a disaster and everyone went along with his lies (delusions?) The family felt sorry for him and enabled him and made excuses for him from the time he was a teenager. The first one to (finally!) tell the truth to and about him was his brother, my husband, seven years ago. For five years we didn’t see his sister or his mother because they (mother in particular) couldn’t let go - even when my BIL threatened to kill my husband and me. Let me repeat: my MIL did not see two of her three grandchildren for FIVE YEARS because of her lying son. A year ago my BIL’a lifetime of poor nutrition and heavy drinking caused him to have a form severe rapid-onset dementia. He was hospitalized for months before eventually being sent to a nursing home. He is better than he was - he didn’t even know his own name 12 months ago - but he hasn’t walked in a year. We saw my MIL for the first time in five years in April and it was shocking. She’s aged 20 years, not five. This is what enabling a poisonous child looks like.
That sounds incredibly painful for you and your family. Addiction is a poison that spreads throughout the family. Best to you.
So sad to say, Comrades! but I am glad to not be alone in this. Everything about life with a trans kid/adult is so difficult. Keep trying to share truth.
We are parents of four adult children. The younger two, ages 42 and almost 45, are caught up in the trans madness. When my kids were little, I was the “mean mother” because I had rules, bedtimes, and consequences. In your case, I would give your adult daughter and ultimatum: “You have X amount of time to find a job, get your own place, and move out. You and we need to be able to live our lives as adults. We cannot do that, and neither can you as long as this extended adolescence continues. We love you and always will. However, you need to make your adult life without dependence on us for your every need. That doesn’t mean we won’t help you as we can, when you have exhausted all your resources, but you need to build those resources now. The timing is not negotiable. We will help you move, but you need to find your own place, find your own job, find the things that will make you happy on your own.” Tough love is hard. Children who never had boundaries set for them have an almost impossible time setting boundaries for themselves. As parents, they cannot set boundaries for their children. While it will feel awful to do this, know you will be doing your daughter a favor, not just yourselves. She may someday thank you, but don’t hold your breath waiting. This is not so much about her trans identity as it is forcing the baby bird to fly the nest. Her depression and anxiety may decrease once she has to navigate her life more independently. She is right now stuck and you are enabling her stuckness.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Do not give up or give in. Be firm in the boundary and timeline you set. Be confident that she has the smarts to accomplish this. You will help, but from behind. She has to make the plans, find the resources, and take steps to see it to fruition. Big hugs!
Wow! So much agreement to say, however just put me down for liking all the comments of “I feel the same way!!”
I feel this too - I struggle with it all! I love my daughter and miss her dearly despite her living with me….I miss all that should be, that could and would be if she stopped lying to herself (and I stopped allowing it)….I get Google Photo reminders of who she was and it kills me, but I refuse to turn them off as I need the reminder of who she IS despite the masquerade going on right now. I’m not sure what I would have done differently if I could go back in time, but I sure wish I could some days if for no other reason than to hug my daughter as my daughter
When my daughter came out as trans when she was 15 I tried to do the pronouns and I did the nickname because I didn't like the chosen name and we had a misgender jar that she set up for us and it all felt like rocks in my mouth. Within a week I put an end to it. She was shocked, but she was 15. What could she do. eventually the nickname went by the wayside because that was a lie too. I stopped trying to avoid her real pronouns. I stopped trying to avoid saying her real name. now I introduce her in public as my daughter with her real name. And bonus she told me I wasn't "allowed" to out her. that's her job (which I've never witnessed her do) so I call that a win. She just turned 18 and graduated from high school and the minute she decides to medicalize is the minute I stop supporting her financially. hopefully my husband will agree. He's the softy in the family and I'm the hard ass because I fucking hate bullshit, I would much rather live an honest lonely life than a dishonest, empty life. Blood might be thicker than water, but truth trumps all.
Yes repeated reality in our kids' faces is going to win in the end. I just wish other adults would step up too. It is not kind to lie to kids.
A misgender jar; that's the first time I've heard that one. I hope your girl comes to her senses. Keep the faith, Mom.
The constant little lies even by omission are exhausting that’s why if my “trans”daughter “starts” ranting about whatever soap box critical theory is “trending” on Tik Tok my response is “I don’t care!” (even if I do!). She will then say “But you should care!” And I respond “But I don’t care.” Her response “But you should!” my response “I don’t and I don’t have to because that is my choice! You have a choice and so do I so leave me be.” Off she goes! Exhausting! But she’s learning she’s not gonna get the argument she’s looking for. It’s my strategy for claiming some of my life back.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼Some days it’s easier said than done, for me at least. You keep saying your truth (the truth) and your sanity. Stay strong!
This could have so easily been me writing this in ten years time....my daughter is 16 soon. I spent the first year of hr high school(aged 12) fighting the teacher who had told my uncomfortable in her growing body child that perhaps she was trans.
I tool her out of school and perhaps people think I was cruel but I refused from the ground up to accept this 'new' identity.
We had a whole year of tears and 'you don't understand' and torment which most of I thought was manufactured by online 'friends'.
So I went harder and I took Internet access away,wow if I thought the fights were bad before I had a whole new lot coming...but after a few weeks she started doing stuff with me,banal things like shopping and cooking,domestic life.
And slowly the talk of trans and 'you don't understand' and the myriad of other peoples(adults online)opinions started to melt away.
She will be 16 next month and finally I can see she is growing into herself,even talks of kids one day which I pointed out may not have been an option had she went on T(over my cold dead body).
I will never forgive the powers that shouldn't be for poisoning the hearts and minds of a whole generation. My child may have barely scraped through but I'll keep shouting about those that haven't until my last breath
A whole generation lost and confused and this has been the answer the medical butchers offered our children
All in the name of 'be kind',my heart breaks
I can't wait for the day when all teachers, boards of education members, etc. are fired for teaching and/or suggesting this BS to kids.
I swear I would stick em all on the wall,that any of them accepted this without critical thinking shows they should never have been near our kids to begin with. Look at the parents who have their kids taken away for not affirming. That's the true shame,as a society we have handed our kids over to the state-if i knew then what I know now I would never have set foot in a school with either of mine.
Author, I understand your wanting to keep her close. At least you know what she is up to and you do not have to wonder if she's somewhere making a horrible mistake like getting a hysterectomy. Also, once she is out of your life, you might not hear from her for a long time. Often the only options are go along with the lies or be estranged. We made our son leave home because of drug use. We had imagined that he would never launch, that he would live in our basement until we died, hating us the whole time. He declared a trans identity after he was out of the house, although he had undoubtedly been preparing for it while he was still at home. To our surprise, after a few bumps in the road, he got himself a full-time job and an apartment with a roommate. It's a low wage job, but I'm actually glad he isn't interested in going to college yet. We have been estranged for a couple of years. I know that we are not ready to be in contact because he still claims to believe he's a woman and I won't pretend with him. I cried a lot for the first year, but now I think estrangement has been the better option for all of us. I do believe he will grow up out there and eventually have a relationship with us again, even if it takes 10 years.
Good advice—hard to keep her from thinking we are controlling her though as she is a pretty competitive candidate. If she doesn’t get into schools, the expectation will be JOB 100%— might consider hard core volunteer position for part of the year.
Yes. It’s not just the trans identity. These kids have also been brainwashed into believing they are incapable of anything, suffering from multiple mental health conditions and need accommodations and medications (which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy), that they can’t make friends or be accepted by anyone, that they will never be successful, self-supporting, or normal (although the last thing they want is to be normal). It seems from the stories I hear that they are all like this, which just proves it’s a brainwashing cult.
At five years in my daughter is slowly getting a little better. She starts her first job today! One small step toward adulthood and independence, less time available to spend on the brainwashing internet. But is it possible for her to snap out of this, and to undo the damage to her mind from the past 5 years? Will she ever be willing to try? I have no idea.
I relate so much to what you say. The introductions (or lack thereof), the fact that we’re her social life (although I would rather that than have no influence), the worry she’ll never be self-sufficient, the possibly slightly autistic (although I wonder if that’s true or just another thing she wants to identify as), the hesitation to go out of town, the memories of who she was before all this happened. Who would have ever thought we’d be part of this “club”, that this was even a thing?!
I completely second the other issues besides the trans identity; the social anxiety, the belief that they can't make it in the world, the need for meds, etc. Maybe the meds are helpful. I'm not sure in our case. But I completely relate to everything in your first paragraph. Kudos to your daughter for getting her first job.
Thanks! Of course they call her a boy’s name, but I’ll take small victories where I can get them.