The Reluctant Advocate

A Mother’s Response to Estrangement

Dear Daughter,

You said that you love us and are grateful for all that we’ve done for you, yet you have emotionally estranged yourself from us for the past seven years and have withheld any real expression of love or concern for us, forgetting birthdays and holidays, and leaving our questions and concerns unaddressed. You did not even say “thank you” when we finished paying off your debts (which we did not agree to bear on your behalf indefinitely when we co-signed for your loans.) 

I do not believe you truly understand what love is. You have a very selfish idea of it, but there is no self in Love. 

Your father and I truly did our upmost to fully embrace every aspect of your being, to support and encourage you to explore your own potential, and we accept you as a sovereign individual. We thought we “celebrated” your independence, and that we “valued” your boundaries. When we sent you to college, we trusted you to make good choices because we had so much faith in you. We never micro-managed you. We were not helicopter parents, we gave you freedom and space to express yourself. We have always valued your thoughts and feelings (when you would actually share them with us.) So, setting all of that aside, I am left to assume that the aspect you wanted us to “celebrate,” is your new identity, and that of your partner, and that is in fact at the heart of our estrangement. 

So, I will start there.

Identity is made up of our morals, beliefs, unique qualities, personality traits, appearance, and expression, as well as external characteristics such as height, race, class, politics, religious affiliation, etc. Some aspects of our identity are immutable and unchangeable and are not conscious choices that we direct. Others are malleable, and may shift or change over time, with experience and wisdom. 

If it is a condition that you are only able to receive love from those who will (blindly) “celebrate and value” every aspect of your identity, you will increasingly attract only those who are demonic enough to cheer for the most ignoble aspects of your nature. Someone who really loves you, as we do, will refuse to participate in the qualities of your personality that are harmful or destructive, to you or to others. Someone who loves you will not sit by quietly while watching you hurt yourself, because that is not loving. And this is why I do not believe you truly love Hazel, and do not understand what Love is. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

What you have deemed as “vitriol” was concern, coming from a place of love. I do not dispense cruel and bitter criticism as though I were some masochist who says hurtful things for pleasure. It has been extremely painful to me to speak truthfully into the great lie that you have made of your life. We are meant to hold one another up to the light, even when it’s painful or difficult, because that is what real love does. It’s a Refiner’s fire, intent to burn off all of our impurities, leaving us only as pure gold.

I am not isolated beyond what I have intentionally chosen. At one time I was happy to have 8000 “friends” online, but I am honestly happier with eight real friends that I truly respect. My standards have changed. I no longer believe the world is entitled to have access to my heart. And people have changed, they’ve lowered their standards and diluted themselves to fit the current narrative. I’m too old to filter through the inauthentic. I don’t need the attention, I’m happy in my life without a spotlight on me.

You said we “failed to show up for you and Hazel in all the ways that mattered most.” Let’s unpack that a bit. 

Did we fail to show up:

• When he “came out” and we still wanted him to move in with us, rent free?

• Or on the many occasions, such as birthdays, holidays, and family events, that we invited (and even pleaded for) him to come to, to participate in our family, to let us get to know him and try to understand what he was going through?

• How about when we baked a birthday cake and brought it to you, so he could feel comfortable enough to celebrate with us?

• Perhaps it was when the whole family showed up to help you pack and load the U-Haul?

• Or was it all the years that we continued to faithfully pay off your debts, eating beans and rice at home while you went out for margaritas and restaurant meals?

As far as I can see, we showed up for both of you, in every possible way, but one; we would not renounce our belief in the Bible or biology. Which begs the question, if you truly love us, why do you not celebrate our identities in the same way you demand we celebrate yours? Our race, religion, the decades of dedicated service to our children, our friends, family, and communities. 

You “celebrate & value” those who agree with your worldview, but not your own parents.

It is you who failed to show up for us, not the other way around. You withdrew, moved out, ignored our texts, discounted our concerns, and refused to have any kind of meaningful dialogue with us for years before you officially went “no contact.” You emotionally estranged me when I was grieving for the loss of my own mother, so by the time you physically estranged me, the damage had already been done. 

The audacity of chastising your father for “not being an advocate” for his children is ludicrous. This is the cruelest form of gaslighting I’ve ever seen. He played an active role in your homeschooling for 25 years, and in every aspect of your upbringing. I have never witnessed a more loving, more devoted, more involved, concerned, pro-active father in my entire life, real or fictional. You merely wish he would “advocate” for your lifestyle and choices, but he is in fact a man of deep convictions, and he does not “affirm” your folly any more than I do. We have the same beliefs, merely different means of expressing them. And we pray for your salvation, every single day.

As believers we are called to be sanctified, which means set apart, and from your perspective, that may look like a wedge that we have placed between ourselves and the world, but it is really more of a shield. It’s not that we are unaware of how the world is, merely that we do not wish to participate in its debauchery. Even so, I have never had any trouble befriending people from all walks of life, including those with lives in contrast to my own. But for close friendships, truly, what fellowship should light have with darkness? Must I dim myself, also become darkness, in order to blend in as you have?

It seems to me that it is you who wishes to blot out all that makes up who I am, my entire identity. You don’t even acknowledge my contribution to your heritage, only your father’s. As if you could erase me from your genetics. But you are a part of me, I am a part of you, and you may choose to deny that part, but you are ultimately hurting yourself most of all.

We have joined a number of support groups and outlets, with people from a wide variety of beliefs and backgrounds. We do not have any trouble making friends with people that are different from ourselves, or finding support when we need it. We are receiving plenty of emotional support, but if you ever wish to attend family therapy, I’m open to the idea.

All of these years, of course we saw who you truly are. We saw the phases you went through, the personas, the voices, the various interests and hobbies you tried on like a wardrobe, and then discarded. We never shamed you for the pretend squeaky voice you used to use, we didn’t mind when you wore a cat collar and cat ears everywhere you went. People have to grow up and into themselves, and we allowed you plenty of space to freely explore the depth of your own being, without judgment or ridicule.

But the person that you have become is a stranger to us. We recognize your face and your voice, but we have no idea who you are now. Sometimes I sincerely wonder if you are actually demon possessed. You are so immersed in a world that is contrary to who you had once been, I don’t know what else to think. Or else you hid your deviancy exceedingly well. You have taken your God-given talent and your expensive education and used it all to make a video game that is nothing more than a demonic tool for grooming children into a sex cult. May God have mercy on your soul!

We were a healthy, functional family, and it’s wrong of you to try to gaslight us into subscribing to the distortion that you’ve made of us. A family doesn’t stay together, love one another, thrive as we always have, by chance or accident. It is because your father and I have intentionally poured every ounce of our being into nourishing and protecting this family that we were once so solid. It was you who created this wedge and seeded the division.

Your influence on your siblings now exceeds our own, and you have used your position to distort the truth and mislead them. You have become a stumbling block, not only to your own siblings, but to children everywhere. You say you don’t want your choices to influence them, but you know it’s unavoidable. Sometimes, we don’t get to choose. 

To whom much is given, much will be required. 

You forbid us from contacting you, from “violating your boundaries,” as if we were mere objects, toys to be put on a shelf once you have outgrown them. But the Bible says if you look at another person with hate, you have murdered them in your heart, and this is how we feel; murdered by our own child in her heart.

My mother left me when I was three years old. She never took proper care of me; she dragged me in and out of cults, and other bad living scenarios, and she allowed me to be molested in exchange for free drugs. She physically neglected me and emotionally manipulated me all of my life. Still, I sent her food or money when she needed it, I took her to doctor’s appointments, answered her telephone calls, and responded to her letters. She was always welcomed in our home, included in every family event. She had textbook NPD, yet I never estranged my own mother.

I set a better example for you, of how to make space for difficult loved ones. You should know that the way you’ve dealt with us is wrong, unjust, and very unkind. Cruel, even.

I’ve cried nonstop for both you and her for seven long years. I have grieved for the loss of both of you at the expense of my own well-being. I wish I could say “I’m done with the crying“ but I realize now that may never be. However, I am done cowering in fear of offending you with the truth. So, if you are to be an “ally”, recruiting children into the identity cult that you have made your religion, I am forced to become an advocate, to speak out against the maniacal harm that you “celebrate.” And if that means I have to stand up in direct opposition to my own child, so be it. 

I love you, truly, but you are on the wrong side of evil, and I’m not going to tiptoe around your fragile ego any longer. You can turn your face from me, but you cannot hide from God. I pray He is merciful on us all!

Shikata ga nai

Love, Mom

California: Please sign the petition to protect our children -

https://protectkidsca.com/

America: Please sign to stop the use of puberty blockers on our kids -

https://www.change.org/p/urge-president-biden-to-prohibit-the-use-of-puberty-blockers