As I wrote before NOT AN AMERICAN ...I am like Jordan Peterson a Canadian!! I don't think my son is possessed by a demon but oppressed and obsessed with demonic doctrines. Ideas planted in the "air" by demonic forces that get lodged in people's minds and are not from God but seem like a good idea. Like the snake in the garden in Genesis it's always the sowing the same seeds..."did God really say that you will die if you eat that?" or " Surely a good God would want you to be whoever your wildest imagination would want you to be?". These ideas literally float around and then people get captured by the ideas. Possession takes longer but is the end goal of these schemes of the enemy of mankind. Religion as such can't save anyone. Only the Jesus that died on the cross ...the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world as John the Baptist described his cousin Jesus as...He is the Mediator between God and man. Only He can save anyone. I am way more interested in the Lord Jesus Christ than I am in Trump or anything else for that matter.
One more comment to your statement that the Bible is 2000 year old language. It is not a dated format as God's way of communicating is always past, present and future. Plus the Bible has been translated into some very cutting edge modern versions!!
Sorry to hear you are getting pissed and riled . I am a Canadian by the way! The biggest population of Christians in the world is in China and Africa and South, and Central America, so it's not a Western culture faith. It's a global faith. Your statement that "We are on the cusp of a new Idea forming" is very confusing and from everything else that you said it sounds like it's in the New Age agenda repackaged. This "new idea forming" what is that exactly? As you and I are the only ones on this thread I really would like to know what you are trying to get at and this form is hard to communicate unless you keep dialoguing. Up to you.
I too take the middle path. I have two lost daughters. One went one to college, graduated and lives with me now while struggling to get started in life as many, maybe most, people her age do. I use only her given name and her female pronouns. Always have since she "came out" in high school. I don't know if it is just that she has more self confidence than other trans people but she never corrects me or makes me feel like I am wrong to use her given name and natural pronouns. It did always seem bizarre to me, the claim of trans people, that to be subjected to hearing the wrong pronoun would cause them to commit suicide. Really? The wrong pronoun is a fate worse than death? You have something far more wrong with you than just gender confusion if that is the hill you choose to die on.
My other daughter chose to leave home, not go to college, cut us off completely for more than a year as soon as she graduated from a prestigious college prep high school. She was younger so knew we would not be affirming. When she came for a visit I did make an effort to use her new name. It's just another nickname to me. Not offensive. I had a much harder time with pronouns. I stopped even trying after a bit. She didn't seem to care that that much. She still chooses to keep in limited contact. She is finding her way without help from me.
The second child sees that I support her sister financially despite the trans identity trap she has fallen into. She knows she could go to college. She knows I would support her, be her father in every appropriate way. She chooses to be more independent.
Like the author of this post I am commenting on, I feel I am doing enough. Being a good father. It is all I can do. You can lead a horse to water but you will be miserable if you try to make him drink. I'm here for my kids but I'm not responsible for the choices they make. I want them to be happy and successful. I can provide for them but it is up to them to make the right decisions.
I am stoic about whether or not they make the decisions that I would think best. They may not end up happy. Heck, they may not survive. It is not up to me anymore. I am getting on in years and my own time is getting short. I can't let the rest of my days be defined by choices that they make. Don't let them make you a hostage. Live your own life. Your days as their guiding light are over. I disagree that connection is everything. It can be great if it does work out but if it doesn't you can't let that ruin your own life. You have to be willing to let go and move on. Do your best but accept that there are some things you are going to lose in this life.
I hesitated over whether to comment on this piece. I applaud you for keeping a connection with your daughter. Connection is everything.
For many of us parents, the trans bombshell isn't new. We are already estranged. (In some cases, estranged before we fully understood what was happening.)
Connection is everything. Once it is lost it is difficult to get back.
Many of us parents are willing to agree to disagree. And many of our adult children are not willing to agree to disagree.
I agree about connection and the importance of being willing to disagree. The fact that adult children are not willing to disagree is devastating to many families.
I love StoicMom. This part resonated with me as I am helping a friend of an autistic (non-trans identified) teen. My friends life is in upheaval and she is so sad that it is her life right now - she is mourning "for who she used to be, for the woman I had hoped she would become. When these negative emotions come up for me now, I observe them, I allow myself to feel them, and then I think of my relationship with my daughter, and I’m grateful." I have been through a lot with my own trans-identified daughter and I am very grateful I can help another mother in pain. Without my own suffering, my compassion/empathy towards my friend would be less rich. We all need each other.
While this approach might be useful to at least try for parents of gender confused children in their twenties, this is ultimately nothing more than the woke agenda masquerading behind so called stoicism. Separating parents from children by telling parents that they have no control is one ideological aspects we are being indoctrinated with. Everyone seems to be saying that cultivating the attitude of compassionate detachment is hard work, and it is because it is it IS--it is artificial, unnatural, and in the vast majority of cases harmful in the long term. We are mothers and fathers who love our children passionately and we would die for them in a heartbeat. When our children hurt, we hurt, and this is how it is supposed to be. Yeah, this suck, but this is what happens to parents--"our hearts walk outside of our bodies." This is what love is. Subscribing to stoicism is trying to alter these most natural instincts and elevating detachments instead of attachment. While this can be a life saving pause during which we calm down and evaluate what to do next, this is not a sustainable long term approach at best, and it is harmful at worst because it is anti-relationship, anti-family, and pro-wokism.
Hey there. You might be interested to discover that I do a podcast series titled, Attachment Matters, in which we discuss attachment and that we are our children's best bet, providing guidance for how to foster healthy attachment with our TI kids. At The Stoicmom Project, we believe it's not only possible, but crucial to parent our TI kids from a place of unconditional love, with honesty and integrity, while still keeping our children connected to the family. We still hurt when our children hurt, but we also recognize that when their choices incapacitate us, we're not much good to them. I also wrote a response piece to this beautiful piece by Walk With Mom, talking about our responsibility to our children for anyone who might be interested. https://open.substack.com/pub/stoicmom/p/who-do-they-need-us-to-be?r=nm4vy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I also find the approach of stoicism off putting, for some reason I can't articulate well. What is happening to our children and to our society is truly horrible -- how can any empathetic person, especially a parent, not respond with a powerful, viscerally felt response and urge to intervene to stop the horror? Of course remaining calm is always a good idea in challenging situations, but I want to keep my main focus on stopping the horror rather than managing my own emotions. Of course maintaining connection with one's child is critically important-- but it's not me who is jeopardizing that connection, it's my child who cannot tolerate anything less from me than full throated approval (even if I say nothing, as I haven't for years, she senses my feelings). I would also note it's much harder to remain stoic in the face of actually watching one's young adult child daily carve lasting and harmful changes into their body through medications and surgery.
Of course our main job is to protect our kids. Mine is a young adult. My basic message is to figure out what’s authentic for you while keeping a connection so as to increase the chances that your child stays in your life, so you can possibly have some influence or opportunity for guidance no matter what happens later on. Thanks for reading and engaging. These are tough times for all.
I agree that this approach would be harder with a medicalizing child, but that does not change the fact that it is useful to maintain a connection so we can serve as a kind of anchor for a child in distress.
There is nothing "woke" about this approach; putting a "woke" label on it both misconstrues it and makes it easier for some to dismiss. We are in uncharted territory with self-harming children that the world is encouraging. I think maintaining a connection and keeping a door open, while being honest about reality and our views, allows us to have some influence on our kids as the future unfolds in ways we can't predict.
I agree. Well said. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It has taken me awhile to articulate what is off putting in this approach (while I acknowledge that it can be useful to some parents during at least some of the time.) The more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that it was yet another woke approach and to me that's off-putting.
It does seem to be a version of affirmation and maybe even enabling. I'm not at all judging--we parents are put in such impossible position we basically have to act on intuition and hope for the best, as none of the approaches guarantee a good outcome. But I think we have to call things what they are--this is not a third path, it is affirmation. If it is affirmation, it has to be a connecting phase, a bridge, a respite, but not a long term strategy recommended to parents, especially whose children are younger and still at home.
Thank you for your perspective. I don't believe that stoicism wants to alter our instincts. It teaches us that the path forward is actually the challenge before us, and in so doing, it invites us to manage our instinctual emotions so we can best serve what the moment requires. I think you hint at this when you say "this can be a life saving pause during which we calm down and evaluate what to do next."
I disagree. The Stoicism as employed here is about strengthening the attachment. About building relationship rather than severing it. About modeling self care. About trusting in the values that we have helped to model and instill emerging as they mature themselves. About showing that we trust them. It doesn't mean that we indicate that we are OK with medical transition in any way At. All. - just that we love them. Unconditionally. That basic platform of love is vital.
In reading your post, I thought about the difference between creating an identity vs uncovering our identity. I thought about Michelangelo claiming David was already in the block of stone and he released it. I thought about how the computer age has us creating identities through avatars. I thought about how learning astrology in my 20s really helped me understand myself as I got sober. How my identity was so infused with trauma I thought that was who I was and about the amount of toxic shame I carried and created a mask to hide it. How adolescence and young adulthood is a time of trying to find an identity at least in our rootless and artificial culture. How seductive creating a false identity is and the effort and vulnerability required to unearth our true identity. You definitely got my thinking. Thank you.
Thanks -- you got me thinking too. "How seductive creating a false identity is and the effort and vulnerability required to unearth our true identity." Uncovering our true identity seems like a lifelong process. We move through time and uncover layers as we go. I like to think I'm uncovering this version of myself, which I could not imagine existed before.
I think many parents of our generation wanted to give our children the gift of finding their true identity more easily than it was for us. We did not ever suspect this Trojan horse that has caught us off guard and hijacked the process of identity formation into this mess. To me, I think of the “trans agenda” as the wolf who ate Little Red Ridinghood's grandmother. It’s a wolf dressed in grandma's clothes. The situation requires discernment if you still believe in the project of expressing the authentic self (grandma) as opposed to the wolf who ate it and is posing in those beliefs.
Best comparison : Little Red Ridinghood's grandmother, the wolf dressed in grandma's clothes. Ancient truth in a classic fairytale. Love it. Thanks for that!!
Thanks I have taken the similar path with my 16 yr old and just do the best I can being a single parent. Very challenging times but I do my best to keep it real with compassion, open mindedness, honesty, unconditional love for us both. I trust that somehow it will all work out in the highest divine light for us all with deep love as my anchor. Special blessings for the children and for us all.
S F, If your child is 16, your situation is a bit different. Your child is still a minor and you most likely have much more influence than a parent of a 23 y.o.. Have you seen this essay ? https://stellaomalley.substack.com/p/the-dangers-of-avoidance . Sending you hugs and support. I hope your child desists soon!
Searching for a solution, we rest at the core of identity, consciousness. This is what unites the three perspectives of life, the self, subjective and objective in a society. Without a more modern language and approach, we remain stuck in the schizophrenic mind.
Here is a summary of my conversation with ChatGPT about this. Most is in German, but this is an English summary.
Certainly. Here’s a response in English, framed as a reply to the initial email:
---
Thank you for sharing this thoughtful piece. It brings up crucial points about how young people today navigate identity, often in ways that seem disconnected from a true inner sense of self. There’s a larger issue here: in our current society, there’s no real culture or framework for exploring this "core self" – the enduring consciousness that transcends labels and external markers. Without this guidance, young people sometimes find themselves searching for belonging in identities that ultimately don’t fulfill that deeper need.
This lack of a collective "inner compass" or shared language around our core consciousness also creates a divide where questions of identity and belonging quickly become political. In the U.S., for instance, it often boils down to a polarized split: religious versus secular, conservative versus liberal. And without a universally accessible language for the inner self, conversations about identity become tied to ideology, leading many young people down paths that emphasize external changes rather than addressing the deeper, existential core.
Some thinkers, like Jordan Peterson, attempt to address this inner consciousness, but their use of religious language – specifically Christian references – can limit their message's reach. If we had a secular, universal language focused on consciousness and the essence of identity, perhaps more young people could find a stable, internal grounding. This kind of language, centered around mindfulness, shared existence, and self-awareness, would allow them to explore a stable, authentic identity without feeling pressured into polarized labels or beliefs.
Such an approach would also help us find a way to support young people without affirming external identity changes as solutions to inner confusion. This third path of connection that you mention could then be available to more families, encouraging them to see identity not as something political or ideological, but as a shared, deeply human journey toward self-understanding.
Thank you for inviting these reflections – there’s so much potential in re-centering identity conversations around what truly unites us, beyond politics, and guiding young people back to that inner anchor.
---
This response brings the focus back to the essence of identity while acknowledging the broader cultural and political context impacting young people today.
There is no anchor aside from God. Everything else we put all our weight on will slide down the shoot to hell. Take your : "If we had a secular, universal language focused on consciousness and the essence of identity, perhaps more young people could find a stable, internal grounding. This kind of language, centered around mindfulness, shared existence, and self-awareness, would allow them to explore a stable, authentic identity without feeling pressured into polarized labels or beliefs." and smoke it into oblivion: This is New Age repackaged into pseudo intellectual balderdash. This kind of gibberish is a lie from the pit of hell. This is and will remain a polarizing issue. As a bible believing Christian I stand on the truth of who God our creator designed us to be. Male and female he created us. Full stop. No other bargaining is possible. All the trans junk is a mirage and a costume. Sadly sometimes our children choose a meat lego costume and do themselves and we who love them great harm..sometimes causing death. So this has to be a black and white issue. Choose this day who you will serve. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. Bob Dylan said it in his song : You gotta serve somebody, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you gotta serve somebody. On this site many of us are about finding some truth and comfort in a world of denial and lies. Think again. Jordon Peterson has this one right..
I live in Germany. During Covid my then 14 year old daughter spend quite some time alone on her phone. She likes Anime. She read fan fiction. She wanted a binder. In her yearbook we saw her having male pronouns. She was obviously having a hard time during puberty.
As a youngster her mother had anorexia and she too lost a lot of weight and cut herself.
We were able to give her some care and she spend a week in a clinic. She is doing better now.
She does a lot of sports. She cooks her own food. She sees a therapist once a week. We went there too a few times as her parent.
No, I do not know what it is like to be you. You know. We all have to find our ways. I wish you and your child all the love in the world. Let's find a non-stupid solution. It is not easy. Jordan Peterson gives a lot of good clues. I had my daughter listen to some of his lectures.
I wish your child recovery as well. I had anorexia as a teenager so I know what that 's like and so does your wife and may that help your relationship with your daughter. You've got to pray for rescue! I pray right now that God makes this so. This is a problem so much bigger than all of us. all the best Colleen
Yes, I agree that a spiritual approach is important. However, my attempt is to find a LANGUAGE that bridges the gap between the innocent soul of a teenager and a world of supportive people. It seems to me that when we pray, our mind goes out to God and we want Him to come nearer. At the same time, when a kid hears the word "God" she may have no clue what that means and only see our outer surface. Does that make sense?
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words of kindness and compassion for you and your daughter. It is inspirational and moving. You are not alone. Namaste: my soul honors your soul. Sending strength, love and hugs.
Intellectually I know this is probably the only way to stay in his world. For me, I find it more than difficult to do that because I've always been truthful with him and don't want to start lying to him now or hear him say one day "Why did you go a long with it?". That is the question many Detransitioners ask their parents. What would my answer be? That I was manipulating you so you wouldn't disown me? This is the hardest test I've ever had in my life. He will know one thing. That I love him more than anything.
You’re right Maintaining connection IS impt. My worry is that my son is so utterly & brutally estranged - emigrated, & in a coercive-control marriage to an online-contact - to a young guy who thinks he’s a “lesbian” and expects my gay son to be his lesbian wife - my son has been on HRT since he emigrated. there’s no way of me communicating to him that I’ll love him til my last breath and that I’d welcome him home with open arms. I despair. I know he’s been influenced while he was at his most vulnerable, I don’t judge him, I understand the issues . This is grief. Hard to keep going. I’m grateful for other parents sharing their heartache, it feels less alone, gives me strength ty x
Oh, yes. Siobhan Watson, Keira Bell, Chloe Cole, Ritchie Heron--they all speak frequently and publicly about their relationships with their parents while they were caught up in the Trans Moral Panic. Their one, resounding message is: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Young people are being groomed online and in schools. Not one of them blames their parents for not being able to rescue them.
There are many Detransitioner blogs on YouTube. A wealth of information but heartbreaking stories. The bravery of these people to put themselves out there despite the bullying and blowback they get is admirable.
The Right's Gender Scam: How They're Conning America with Fake Outrage
A grotesque theater of bathroom panic and pronoun hysteria, designed to keep you scared, distracted, and obedient—while they ignore the real problems.
https://open.substack.com/pub/patricemersault/p/moral-panic-for-dummies?r=4d7sow&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
As I wrote before NOT AN AMERICAN ...I am like Jordan Peterson a Canadian!! I don't think my son is possessed by a demon but oppressed and obsessed with demonic doctrines. Ideas planted in the "air" by demonic forces that get lodged in people's minds and are not from God but seem like a good idea. Like the snake in the garden in Genesis it's always the sowing the same seeds..."did God really say that you will die if you eat that?" or " Surely a good God would want you to be whoever your wildest imagination would want you to be?". These ideas literally float around and then people get captured by the ideas. Possession takes longer but is the end goal of these schemes of the enemy of mankind. Religion as such can't save anyone. Only the Jesus that died on the cross ...the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world as John the Baptist described his cousin Jesus as...He is the Mediator between God and man. Only He can save anyone. I am way more interested in the Lord Jesus Christ than I am in Trump or anything else for that matter.
One more comment to your statement that the Bible is 2000 year old language. It is not a dated format as God's way of communicating is always past, present and future. Plus the Bible has been translated into some very cutting edge modern versions!!
Sorry to hear you are getting pissed and riled . I am a Canadian by the way! The biggest population of Christians in the world is in China and Africa and South, and Central America, so it's not a Western culture faith. It's a global faith. Your statement that "We are on the cusp of a new Idea forming" is very confusing and from everything else that you said it sounds like it's in the New Age agenda repackaged. This "new idea forming" what is that exactly? As you and I are the only ones on this thread I really would like to know what you are trying to get at and this form is hard to communicate unless you keep dialoguing. Up to you.
I listened a lot to Jordan Peterson. It would be nice to discuss this more.
I too take the middle path. I have two lost daughters. One went one to college, graduated and lives with me now while struggling to get started in life as many, maybe most, people her age do. I use only her given name and her female pronouns. Always have since she "came out" in high school. I don't know if it is just that she has more self confidence than other trans people but she never corrects me or makes me feel like I am wrong to use her given name and natural pronouns. It did always seem bizarre to me, the claim of trans people, that to be subjected to hearing the wrong pronoun would cause them to commit suicide. Really? The wrong pronoun is a fate worse than death? You have something far more wrong with you than just gender confusion if that is the hill you choose to die on.
My other daughter chose to leave home, not go to college, cut us off completely for more than a year as soon as she graduated from a prestigious college prep high school. She was younger so knew we would not be affirming. When she came for a visit I did make an effort to use her new name. It's just another nickname to me. Not offensive. I had a much harder time with pronouns. I stopped even trying after a bit. She didn't seem to care that that much. She still chooses to keep in limited contact. She is finding her way without help from me.
The second child sees that I support her sister financially despite the trans identity trap she has fallen into. She knows she could go to college. She knows I would support her, be her father in every appropriate way. She chooses to be more independent.
Like the author of this post I am commenting on, I feel I am doing enough. Being a good father. It is all I can do. You can lead a horse to water but you will be miserable if you try to make him drink. I'm here for my kids but I'm not responsible for the choices they make. I want them to be happy and successful. I can provide for them but it is up to them to make the right decisions.
I am stoic about whether or not they make the decisions that I would think best. They may not end up happy. Heck, they may not survive. It is not up to me anymore. I am getting on in years and my own time is getting short. I can't let the rest of my days be defined by choices that they make. Don't let them make you a hostage. Live your own life. Your days as their guiding light are over. I disagree that connection is everything. It can be great if it does work out but if it doesn't you can't let that ruin your own life. You have to be willing to let go and move on. Do your best but accept that there are some things you are going to lose in this life.
I hesitated over whether to comment on this piece. I applaud you for keeping a connection with your daughter. Connection is everything.
For many of us parents, the trans bombshell isn't new. We are already estranged. (In some cases, estranged before we fully understood what was happening.)
Connection is everything. Once it is lost it is difficult to get back.
Many of us parents are willing to agree to disagree. And many of our adult children are not willing to agree to disagree.
I am willing to avoid the topic of gender.
I am not willing to erase history.
I agree about connection and the importance of being willing to disagree. The fact that adult children are not willing to disagree is devastating to many families.
Heartbreaking, understandable, and beautiful. 🙏❤️🙏
I love StoicMom. This part resonated with me as I am helping a friend of an autistic (non-trans identified) teen. My friends life is in upheaval and she is so sad that it is her life right now - she is mourning "for who she used to be, for the woman I had hoped she would become. When these negative emotions come up for me now, I observe them, I allow myself to feel them, and then I think of my relationship with my daughter, and I’m grateful." I have been through a lot with my own trans-identified daughter and I am very grateful I can help another mother in pain. Without my own suffering, my compassion/empathy towards my friend would be less rich. We all need each other.
While this approach might be useful to at least try for parents of gender confused children in their twenties, this is ultimately nothing more than the woke agenda masquerading behind so called stoicism. Separating parents from children by telling parents that they have no control is one ideological aspects we are being indoctrinated with. Everyone seems to be saying that cultivating the attitude of compassionate detachment is hard work, and it is because it is it IS--it is artificial, unnatural, and in the vast majority of cases harmful in the long term. We are mothers and fathers who love our children passionately and we would die for them in a heartbeat. When our children hurt, we hurt, and this is how it is supposed to be. Yeah, this suck, but this is what happens to parents--"our hearts walk outside of our bodies." This is what love is. Subscribing to stoicism is trying to alter these most natural instincts and elevating detachments instead of attachment. While this can be a life saving pause during which we calm down and evaluate what to do next, this is not a sustainable long term approach at best, and it is harmful at worst because it is anti-relationship, anti-family, and pro-wokism.
Hey there. You might be interested to discover that I do a podcast series titled, Attachment Matters, in which we discuss attachment and that we are our children's best bet, providing guidance for how to foster healthy attachment with our TI kids. At The Stoicmom Project, we believe it's not only possible, but crucial to parent our TI kids from a place of unconditional love, with honesty and integrity, while still keeping our children connected to the family. We still hurt when our children hurt, but we also recognize that when their choices incapacitate us, we're not much good to them. I also wrote a response piece to this beautiful piece by Walk With Mom, talking about our responsibility to our children for anyone who might be interested. https://open.substack.com/pub/stoicmom/p/who-do-they-need-us-to-be?r=nm4vy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Totally agree, Paranoid Mother!
I also find the approach of stoicism off putting, for some reason I can't articulate well. What is happening to our children and to our society is truly horrible -- how can any empathetic person, especially a parent, not respond with a powerful, viscerally felt response and urge to intervene to stop the horror? Of course remaining calm is always a good idea in challenging situations, but I want to keep my main focus on stopping the horror rather than managing my own emotions. Of course maintaining connection with one's child is critically important-- but it's not me who is jeopardizing that connection, it's my child who cannot tolerate anything less from me than full throated approval (even if I say nothing, as I haven't for years, she senses my feelings). I would also note it's much harder to remain stoic in the face of actually watching one's young adult child daily carve lasting and harmful changes into their body through medications and surgery.
"I want to keep my main focus on stopping the horror rather than managing my own emotions" - THIS!!!! So well said!
Of course our main job is to protect our kids. Mine is a young adult. My basic message is to figure out what’s authentic for you while keeping a connection so as to increase the chances that your child stays in your life, so you can possibly have some influence or opportunity for guidance no matter what happens later on. Thanks for reading and engaging. These are tough times for all.
I agree that this approach would be harder with a medicalizing child, but that does not change the fact that it is useful to maintain a connection so we can serve as a kind of anchor for a child in distress.
There is nothing "woke" about this approach; putting a "woke" label on it both misconstrues it and makes it easier for some to dismiss. We are in uncharted territory with self-harming children that the world is encouraging. I think maintaining a connection and keeping a door open, while being honest about reality and our views, allows us to have some influence on our kids as the future unfolds in ways we can't predict.
I agree. Well said. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It has taken me awhile to articulate what is off putting in this approach (while I acknowledge that it can be useful to some parents during at least some of the time.) The more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that it was yet another woke approach and to me that's off-putting.
It seems like affirmation by another name to me.
It does seem to be a version of affirmation and maybe even enabling. I'm not at all judging--we parents are put in such impossible position we basically have to act on intuition and hope for the best, as none of the approaches guarantee a good outcome. But I think we have to call things what they are--this is not a third path, it is affirmation. If it is affirmation, it has to be a connecting phase, a bridge, a respite, but not a long term strategy recommended to parents, especially whose children are younger and still at home.
It's clear that you have no idea what "Stoicism" means, nor what kind of behaviors and attitudes that it promotes.
Well, would you expand your answer and explain, please?
Thank you for your perspective. I don't believe that stoicism wants to alter our instincts. It teaches us that the path forward is actually the challenge before us, and in so doing, it invites us to manage our instinctual emotions so we can best serve what the moment requires. I think you hint at this when you say "this can be a life saving pause during which we calm down and evaluate what to do next."
I disagree. The Stoicism as employed here is about strengthening the attachment. About building relationship rather than severing it. About modeling self care. About trusting in the values that we have helped to model and instill emerging as they mature themselves. About showing that we trust them. It doesn't mean that we indicate that we are OK with medical transition in any way At. All. - just that we love them. Unconditionally. That basic platform of love is vital.
Met many of them at the gay bars in the eighties. Some wonderful people.
In reading your post, I thought about the difference between creating an identity vs uncovering our identity. I thought about Michelangelo claiming David was already in the block of stone and he released it. I thought about how the computer age has us creating identities through avatars. I thought about how learning astrology in my 20s really helped me understand myself as I got sober. How my identity was so infused with trauma I thought that was who I was and about the amount of toxic shame I carried and created a mask to hide it. How adolescence and young adulthood is a time of trying to find an identity at least in our rootless and artificial culture. How seductive creating a false identity is and the effort and vulnerability required to unearth our true identity. You definitely got my thinking. Thank you.
Thanks -- you got me thinking too. "How seductive creating a false identity is and the effort and vulnerability required to unearth our true identity." Uncovering our true identity seems like a lifelong process. We move through time and uncover layers as we go. I like to think I'm uncovering this version of myself, which I could not imagine existed before.
I think many parents of our generation wanted to give our children the gift of finding their true identity more easily than it was for us. We did not ever suspect this Trojan horse that has caught us off guard and hijacked the process of identity formation into this mess. To me, I think of the “trans agenda” as the wolf who ate Little Red Ridinghood's grandmother. It’s a wolf dressed in grandma's clothes. The situation requires discernment if you still believe in the project of expressing the authentic self (grandma) as opposed to the wolf who ate it and is posing in those beliefs.
Best comparison : Little Red Ridinghood's grandmother, the wolf dressed in grandma's clothes. Ancient truth in a classic fairytale. Love it. Thanks for that!!
Thanks I have taken the similar path with my 16 yr old and just do the best I can being a single parent. Very challenging times but I do my best to keep it real with compassion, open mindedness, honesty, unconditional love for us both. I trust that somehow it will all work out in the highest divine light for us all with deep love as my anchor. Special blessings for the children and for us all.
I hear your vulnerability and applaud your survival and hope that you thrive and your child does too. All the best.
S F, If your child is 16, your situation is a bit different. Your child is still a minor and you most likely have much more influence than a parent of a 23 y.o.. Have you seen this essay ? https://stellaomalley.substack.com/p/the-dangers-of-avoidance . Sending you hugs and support. I hope your child desists soon!
Searching for a solution, we rest at the core of identity, consciousness. This is what unites the three perspectives of life, the self, subjective and objective in a society. Without a more modern language and approach, we remain stuck in the schizophrenic mind.
Here is a summary of my conversation with ChatGPT about this. Most is in German, but this is an English summary.
https://chatgpt.com/share/671bc7a5-2414-8005-a562-ac82fa92e5d3
Certainly. Here’s a response in English, framed as a reply to the initial email:
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Thank you for sharing this thoughtful piece. It brings up crucial points about how young people today navigate identity, often in ways that seem disconnected from a true inner sense of self. There’s a larger issue here: in our current society, there’s no real culture or framework for exploring this "core self" – the enduring consciousness that transcends labels and external markers. Without this guidance, young people sometimes find themselves searching for belonging in identities that ultimately don’t fulfill that deeper need.
This lack of a collective "inner compass" or shared language around our core consciousness also creates a divide where questions of identity and belonging quickly become political. In the U.S., for instance, it often boils down to a polarized split: religious versus secular, conservative versus liberal. And without a universally accessible language for the inner self, conversations about identity become tied to ideology, leading many young people down paths that emphasize external changes rather than addressing the deeper, existential core.
Some thinkers, like Jordan Peterson, attempt to address this inner consciousness, but their use of religious language – specifically Christian references – can limit their message's reach. If we had a secular, universal language focused on consciousness and the essence of identity, perhaps more young people could find a stable, internal grounding. This kind of language, centered around mindfulness, shared existence, and self-awareness, would allow them to explore a stable, authentic identity without feeling pressured into polarized labels or beliefs.
Such an approach would also help us find a way to support young people without affirming external identity changes as solutions to inner confusion. This third path of connection that you mention could then be available to more families, encouraging them to see identity not as something political or ideological, but as a shared, deeply human journey toward self-understanding.
Thank you for inviting these reflections – there’s so much potential in re-centering identity conversations around what truly unites us, beyond politics, and guiding young people back to that inner anchor.
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This response brings the focus back to the essence of identity while acknowledging the broader cultural and political context impacting young people today.
There is no anchor aside from God. Everything else we put all our weight on will slide down the shoot to hell. Take your : "If we had a secular, universal language focused on consciousness and the essence of identity, perhaps more young people could find a stable, internal grounding. This kind of language, centered around mindfulness, shared existence, and self-awareness, would allow them to explore a stable, authentic identity without feeling pressured into polarized labels or beliefs." and smoke it into oblivion: This is New Age repackaged into pseudo intellectual balderdash. This kind of gibberish is a lie from the pit of hell. This is and will remain a polarizing issue. As a bible believing Christian I stand on the truth of who God our creator designed us to be. Male and female he created us. Full stop. No other bargaining is possible. All the trans junk is a mirage and a costume. Sadly sometimes our children choose a meat lego costume and do themselves and we who love them great harm..sometimes causing death. So this has to be a black and white issue. Choose this day who you will serve. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. Bob Dylan said it in his song : You gotta serve somebody, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you gotta serve somebody. On this site many of us are about finding some truth and comfort in a world of denial and lies. Think again. Jordon Peterson has this one right..
I get your point, nevertheless, that works for you, but some young people may simply not feel inspired and attracted by that old language.
Blah , blah , blah , blah ....sorry I just couldn't relate to whatever you are trying to say!
That's fine. It is just an attempt at using some more contemporary language.
It's so much more than that but you don't understand. Do you have a trans identified child?
I live in Germany. During Covid my then 14 year old daughter spend quite some time alone on her phone. She likes Anime. She read fan fiction. She wanted a binder. In her yearbook we saw her having male pronouns. She was obviously having a hard time during puberty.
As a youngster her mother had anorexia and she too lost a lot of weight and cut herself.
We were able to give her some care and she spend a week in a clinic. She is doing better now.
She does a lot of sports. She cooks her own food. She sees a therapist once a week. We went there too a few times as her parent.
No, I do not know what it is like to be you. You know. We all have to find our ways. I wish you and your child all the love in the world. Let's find a non-stupid solution. It is not easy. Jordan Peterson gives a lot of good clues. I had my daughter listen to some of his lectures.
I wish your child recovery as well. I had anorexia as a teenager so I know what that 's like and so does your wife and may that help your relationship with your daughter. You've got to pray for rescue! I pray right now that God makes this so. This is a problem so much bigger than all of us. all the best Colleen
Yes, I agree that a spiritual approach is important. However, my attempt is to find a LANGUAGE that bridges the gap between the innocent soul of a teenager and a world of supportive people. It seems to me that when we pray, our mind goes out to God and we want Him to come nearer. At the same time, when a kid hears the word "God" she may have no clue what that means and only see our outer surface. Does that make sense?
So ChatGPT said it better than me!!
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words of kindness and compassion for you and your daughter. It is inspirational and moving. You are not alone. Namaste: my soul honors your soul. Sending strength, love and hugs.
This is beautiful. I commend you for managing this challenge with such grace.
Intellectually I know this is probably the only way to stay in his world. For me, I find it more than difficult to do that because I've always been truthful with him and don't want to start lying to him now or hear him say one day "Why did you go a long with it?". That is the question many Detransitioners ask their parents. What would my answer be? That I was manipulating you so you wouldn't disown me? This is the hardest test I've ever had in my life. He will know one thing. That I love him more than anything.
You’re right Maintaining connection IS impt. My worry is that my son is so utterly & brutally estranged - emigrated, & in a coercive-control marriage to an online-contact - to a young guy who thinks he’s a “lesbian” and expects my gay son to be his lesbian wife - my son has been on HRT since he emigrated. there’s no way of me communicating to him that I’ll love him til my last breath and that I’d welcome him home with open arms. I despair. I know he’s been influenced while he was at his most vulnerable, I don’t judge him, I understand the issues . This is grief. Hard to keep going. I’m grateful for other parents sharing their heartache, it feels less alone, gives me strength ty x
We have to hold each other together. 💗
Yes, I feel similar way with my daughter’s situation. May God help us all! 🙏
Oh, yes. Siobhan Watson, Keira Bell, Chloe Cole, Ritchie Heron--they all speak frequently and publicly about their relationships with their parents while they were caught up in the Trans Moral Panic. Their one, resounding message is: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Young people are being groomed online and in schools. Not one of them blames their parents for not being able to rescue them.
There are many Detransitioner blogs on YouTube. A wealth of information but heartbreaking stories. The bravery of these people to put themselves out there despite the bullying and blowback they get is admirable.