They Cried Out to the Lord

For three years I kept silent, at least in public. Anonymously I wrote some letters, met with politicians, and attempted to campaign to raise awareness of the dangers our children faced by pursuing a trans identity. I never felt I was doing enough, and months would go by when I did nothing, barely able to keep working, finding small comfort in daily routines that at least kept me fed, washed, and dressed. I was devastated when I was told my youngest daughter identified as trans. When she absolutely refused to have any more contact with me, having managed to arrange to live with relatives, I tried everything I could think to re-establish a relationship. I even went against my deepest instincts and offered to use her new name and her preferred pronouns. All my efforts failed. And my two older children also withdrew. Neither of them willing to sit down and talk. It felt and still feels as if I’ve lost all of my children.

I’m a writer. I came to a realisation some years back, possibly while processing all that had happened during a session with a very good counsellor, that if I can’t speak and can’t write, then I can’t think. And I needed to be able to think. I needed to understand what had happened, and why it happened. And a part of me is aware that I might never find out. Yet I do know mistakes I made. Failures in how I brought up my children, things I would like an opportunity to discuss with them and even apologise if apology would help. Isn’t that how adults resolve problems and find a way to live with each other – by having honest conversations and admitting what was wrong and deciding that will never happen again? Or if my failures were not any worse than a decision that any other parent might have made given the circumstances, perhaps sharing what led up to my actions and sometimes harsh words might grant a different perspective? But my children won’t talk with me and so my thoughts go round and round at times and thankfully I have had people to talk to, and I’ve been able to write, and so the crazy has been let out, and I’ve lasted at least three years. Maybe I can go another day. And another day after that.

A couple of years ago, in 2023, I decided that I needed to write everything down, so I could make sense of it all. Maybe it helped. I’m still not quite sure. There was some catharsis in letting it out. Did I say I’m a writer? Once I’ve written something, I want to share it. Want to talk about it. But the full story was brutal and I’d written about family and friends and my children and how can I publish such an account? Then, last year, 2024, I decided that maybe I could write another book in a Christian study/prayer series I’d started – 31 days of prayer. I could write a book for parents, like me, or at least, those struggling with the turmoil that often accompanies a child being caught up in a gender identity. And so I did. Over a number of months, I gradually found passages from the Holy Bible that seemed relevant and helpful. Perhaps they are not immediately, obviously relevant – I do have some autistic traits and can have quite an unusual perspective. Yet I kept writing and as each chapter grew, I was able to process a bit more of what I’d gone through. I cannot say if this book will be helpful to you, but if you’d like to read the first chapter of They Cried Out to the Lord, here it is:

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Day 1 You Are Not Alone

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“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

I’ve been a science fiction fan since a young age. I probably watched Doctor Who from behind the sofa. Although I stopped watching the series several years ago, I did follow the rebooted story from Christopher Eccleston through Matt Smith. Spoilers to follow!

At one point in the third series the Doctor and his companion travel to the end of time and meet Professor Yana. A recurring theme throughout the whole of the first few series of Doctor Who was that the Doctor was alone. We find out later that he destroyed his people – the Time Lords of Gallifrey – to save the universe and lived with the guilt of what he had done. He was the last of his kind, all alone in the universe. Until he met Professor Yana.

My wife and I felt all alone after our child came out as trans. Our other children withdrew from us until it was as if we were estranged from all three of them. We felt such shame and guilt, not knowing what we had done wrong. No-one would or could tell us. We didn’t initially feel we could tell anyone else. Gradually we did, to the few family who were not also affirming our child’s trans identity, to the pastor of our church and a few close friends. Eventually someone directed us towards an online support group and we were greeted with what are now familiar words: “Welcome to the group no-one wants to be part of. We’re glad you found us. None of us want to be here. We want you to know you are not alone.”

If your child identifies as trans, you are not alone. There are thousands of parents in similar situations in the UK and perhaps tens of thousands around the world. Most of us are struggling. Most of us find ourselves unable to accept what is obviously not true. We desperately do not want our child to harm themselves. Although in recent months – as I write this in early 2024 – there has been a slight change in public perceptions, still there are a large number of people who are highly influential in the media insisting that the response to trans identity should be to accept and celebrate it. Politicians, journalists, even medical professionals. How can all these people not see what we see – our child, the child we always knew? How can they claim the impostor is the real person?

If you’ve seen those David Tennant episodes, you’ll know that there is an opportunity for reconciliation, for two orphans to find each other and be a family again. Then the twist. The knife in the back. Professor Yana is revealed as the Doctor’s sworn enemy: the Master. The Doctor is not the last of the Time Lords, Yana is an acronym for You Are Not Alone. I’ll share later of an experience we had, someone who claimed to be there to help and I now think was a threat to our family. It is such a betrayal to think someone is on your side and then to find out they never were.

Throughout this nightmare we have been living, for over two and a half years now, there has been someone who has been faithful, who has been by our side the whole way, comforting us, giving us courage to continue, our Father in heaven.

When Moses spoke the words above to Israel, he was preparing them for battle, for war. If you read the surrounding passage in Deuteronomy 31, we see God himself promises to go ahead of the army, to destroy their enemies before them. I do not know where you are at in your situation. I am assuming you have a child who identifies as trans. You may not want to think of this situation as a war. To consider that preparing for battle is what you must now do. I cannot say that I have had this attitude from the start. Instead I confess I have despaired. I have lived in denial, hidden away. Been a coward. Not the whole way through, but I will not lie to you and pretend I am someone I am not. I have struggled and I am struggling. This is part of the reason I am writing this book – to help me do what has to be done, to learn how to pray for my child and this situation.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

There is a repetition here in this encouragement given to the Israelite people. God confirms to them that he is with them, that he will not leave or forsake them. You may have felt abandoned, know that God has not abandoned you. Even though you may be terrified, we are told: do not be afraid; do not be discouraged even though this may be a long fight we are engaged in. Why would God say this unless it was true. And indeed, it was true. As Israel obeyed God, miracles happened. The walls of Jericho fell, not from siege engines or battering rams, but a miraculous earthquake. It is said that the sun stood still for a day while a battle raged, that while Moses held out his hands to God, the people of Israel prevailed against their enemy.

Who is your enemy? Not your child whom you love. No, your enemy is something harder to define, more difficult to discern. It is an idea, implanted in your child’s thinking. It has been pointed out to me that throughout this book I switch between using trans as an idea, or to describe, or as an entity itself. I feel that all of these are useful as trans is confusing, hiding its true nature from us, saying in one minute it is one thing and then insisting it is something else. Whether an idea or an entity or something else, I believe trans needs to be defeated, yet the battle is not ours, it belongs to God. And God has promised he will not leave our side in this battle. I hope you will join me as I try to understand what God is saying to us as parents, caught up in a fight we were likely not prepared for. I hope you will be encouraged, your faith will be strengthened. Ultimately, I hope we will see our children saved.

Father in heaven, thank you for the promises you gave to Israel before their battle. I do believe that you give the same promise to everyone who believes in Jesus – that you will not leave us or forsake us, that you go with us and are asking us to look to you for direction. May we ask of you, may we seek your guidance, may we knock hard on Heaven’s door, and may you hear our prayers and answer us. You told Israel to be strong and courageous, make us strong, Father, give us courage to fight through prayer for our child. Let us take our fears and terrors to you and find comfort in you. Reassurance that you love our child more than we ever could. Protect our child, deliver them from harm. Amen

Mark Anderson Smith is a Scottish writer. His youngest child identifies as trans and, as he will not affirm, he has been estranged for the last three years. You can find his latest book: They Cried Out to the Lord – 31 days of prayer for parents of trans identified children on Amazon.