They Estrange Themselves Anyway
Many parents, including myself, feel responsible for their child taking on a trans identity. Some of us whose children have been estranged constantly wonder what we could have done differently. We wonder if we had only gone along with the trans identity, our children might still be in our lives. Unfortunately, that is not true.
My son was exposed to the idea that it was possible to change one’s sex by his trans identified friend. This “friend” told my son that he could take hormones and become a woman. Boom! That was it. Just by taking easily obtainable drugs, my son could get rid of the self he hated and have a new identity as a “woman”. This friend’s parents supported their son’s trans identity and let him start cross-sex hormones at age 16. They were the good parents. Because we wouldn’t “affirm” we became the bad parents.
However, I recently read these text messages between my son and his friend and they put it in a different light.
After my son said he was going to leave, this kid actually said he was going to pull a fast one on his parents in a few years. He said this after his parents had affirmed his female identity, helped him transition and did everything he asked for. How will they feel when he ditches them despite doing everything “right”, as defined by the medical and psychiatric community?
Parents, you are doing the correct thing not to affirm your child’s trans-identity. You may be vilified. They may estrange themselves from you. But it’s possible you’d receive the same treatment even if you affirmed. By following your gut and being true to your instincts, your child may be grateful to you for not harming them. When my son desisted, he was very sorry and felt terrible for how he had treated us. After desisting, he completely changed his mind about everything he used to believe.
I asked him about his friend and if his parents had not let him transition would he have dropped the trans identity? He didn’t know. When his friend detransitons, will he resent his parents for letting him harm himself? Will they have a strained relationship?
Parents, you know your child best. They may struggle with mental health issues but they did not, overnight, become a different sex. They are in a cult and they will come out of it. Keep up as good a relationship as you can and know you are doing the right thing.
Thank you for this. Recently I felt my heart open up toward my son, but I started to think maybe I should try using his new name. After discussing with my therapist, I realized that once again I was taking on responsibility and trying to fix it. My son is 29 and started this at 25 - so he’s an adult and while he is probably delusional, I can’t change how he thinks about this. I can however, work on keeping my heart open and loving him from afar. I can practice compassion toward him, toward myself, and toward everyone caught up or affected by transgenderism.
I have observed that it seems the majority of those who are keeping contact are doing so for financial reasons. My son broke all financial ties before coming out. Therefore, he had nothing financially to lose by going no contact. This may sound harsh, but I think it’s the cold hard reality for many.
I stand here in the light, ready to help my son. But helping is not reinforcing the delusion or doing anything to make it easier for him to live this lifestyle. I look at it like enabling an alcoholic - I can’t control an adult’s drinking but I sure as hell can control not buying him booze.
Thank you. Your message arrives perfectly timed. I was just beating myself up - again - for sending my son a text 3 weeks ago. I told him how much I loved him, how I will always love him, but what he’s doing is too painful for me to witness. He did not respond and has been radio silent since.
It’s been 10 years on this terrible path. Some periods have been better, more hopeful than others. But lately, he’s been back into the ideology, and he’s clearly medicalizing. How long can I sit at family gatherings and act like nothing is wrong? I have never affirmed this behavior and I never will.
But what a price it is to pay. I’m broken. And all my therapist can do is suggest various antidepressants to help me “move on.”
Maybe she’s right? Because all I do is spiral on the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s. If I’d done this. If I hadn’t done that. If I could only have crafted the perfect argument to reach him and extract him from this cult. We’d be free! We’d be happy!
And even more maddening is the isolation and the way our culture celebrates and supports the Trans journey. I said long ago, if my child had gotten depressed and became anorexic instead of gender dysphoric? Doctors would race to help us. Therapists would work with us. Rehab facilities would embrace him and bring him back.
But all any of the “experts” told us 10 years ago was that our lifelong son was really a girl. Accept it!
It’s a Twilight Zone episode that never ends. It’s on a loop. Thankfully tho there are parents like all of you who share your stories and help me feel less alone. And that’s something.