They say that the reason she is not doing well is not because of the testosterone or the mastectomy but because I am not trying hard enough to have a better relationship with her. I don't know what that means anymore. She decided 2 years ago that I was evil. Now anything I say, anything I do, any text I send, any question, any emoji, just confirms for her that I am being "manipulative". It reassures her that her online and real life friends are right when they tell her not to trust me and that if I am "being nice" it's because I'm trying to get her to change.
On this day, my child’s 35th birthday, I read this again. My heart is so with yours. I have lost all that is dear to me and mostly my sanity. Blamed by extended family for something I never did. I was a good mom. I haven’t deserved being vilified and attacked for not believing something that isn’t true. The thought police have silenced me….my child continues to be swept away and no one is talking any sense. I really, truly don’t know what to do anymore.
You are not a bad mother. You are the only one that sees the elephant (or monster) in the room. The others are brainwashed. As a mother myself with a daughter (now age 28) who survived the opiod epidemic, I feel your pain and your love for your daughter. I pray you can find resolution and peace once again.
My heart is breaking for you. I "ONLY" lost a husband to the "gender cult". He had been a selfish bastard destroying our marriage by his own inclination and dedicating his every waking hour to that end. So eventually I had to concede that he had won that battle: I didn't care if he lived or died provided he was nowhere near me and my (our) children.... even with the financial anxiety that that caused by abandoning us. I simply cannot imagine the torture of your own child turning against you because SHE is lost in the "gender cult". You will hold your ground. You are of course totally right. I hope with all my heart that she manages to find a gentle way to apologize to you when she does, belatedly, realise that you were right all along.
PS: my ex-husband committed suicide because, 12 years after his castration, his prostate gland came back to haunt him. The surgeons cannot remove the prostate because to do so would cause incontinence. Unfortunately for him the effects of estrogen became less of an inhibitor to his prostate, which resumed swelling without any cancerous lesions. He simply could not reconcile the delusion of his mind and the reality of his body - he was XY and had a prostate!
Keep resisting the pressure to pretend. It takes strength to go against the flow. I know. My integrity matters more to me than what others think. Mothers know best.
It is obscene, but how can they justify only telling one part of the story (they're against banning, after all), but effectively banning any information about long-term health effects and detransitioners?
I cried myself to sleep last night. In the last few days leading up to Christmas I tried to reach out to my daughter who won’t come home and has been groomed by a transman. She hates me and my story is so similar to yours and all the parents here. My families are torn and people see me as pathetic or paranoid. I hardly talk anymore and when I do people dismiss me or appease me. I have lost all hope as I watch the antics of celebrities, politicians, doctors, therapists, clinics and counselors who promote this transgender ideology. Nails on the chalkboard. That’s what it sounds like when they smile and nod, when they pretend to know what’s right. I can say that because you wrote this, I can breathe a little right now. Thank you 🌲
You have a huge fam out here of people who GET IT. Please take inner strength from our energy. Merry Christmas to you (from a Hanukah and Solstice celebrant).
It’s just insane. It’s so much easier to blame other people for the surgery and hormones not ‘fixing’ the problem. They hate themselves, we do not hate them. The deflection from the core mental health issues is why they won’t get any better
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can relate very much. My 26 year old son is a victim of this ideology. However, I have to say we are not failing as mothers. I have to believe that we are praying for our kids and that we did everything we could for them. It is so sad and this time of year is hard. My son has gone no contact. But I do have many people who support me. I support you. You will never be able to do enough for her. She has to decide when she’s had enough of the lie.
Time to cut her out of your life. As long as the door is open, she will think that she can shout abuse through it. Once it’s closed, she might start knocking
They don't start knocking.They have been CONvinced we hate them. I've made it very clear my door is always open, even though I disagree. I have also made it clear, It will be me, not his "community" who is there when he bleeds out from the amputation. He knows it too, and called a couple weeks ago threatening to jump off his apartment building because I won't help him "transition". I am literally the only reason he stopped hormones and hasn't had any surgery. I will never call him my daughter, nor will I abandon my son. Unconditional love.
I assume by “her” you mean the daughter- this exact same (terrible) advice is given all the time on Reddit from mentally ill adults to children who think they are trans. Except the “her” is the mother. The scorched earth approach to relationships, especially with family, is extremely destructive.
That's horrible and I'm so sorry for your situation. My son was 13-15 while only socially transitioned, and now fully desisted. When they are older it's harder... I feel for you.
In my case my husband would not budge and he was completely rejected. I went neutral pronouns just to stay in his life (he constantly battled me on it wanting she/her), and woukd not use any name at all other than 'honey' or, 'my baby'. It was horrible no matter what I did no doubt. My mantra was that I am his mom, and love him unconditionally, and it's ONLY about that. I don't need to mention anything else. He knows where I stand, and our relationship does not address those topics. Is there any way to just keep it neutral with her, just to stay in her life? I feel like your presence is important, and other positive interaction and influence in other categories, will keep a reminder in the back of her head, that your opinion isn't evil, if she should ever come to that point. I would try to stay in the game for her sake. It's difficult and painful to do, but a mom's job is brutal anyway. What would happen if you told her you love her unconditionally, and even though you disagree immensely w her decisions, you want to be a part of her life. Will she agree not to 'talk politics ' w you, and be in each other's lives? On the flip side, she's still in there.
I just went out to a party w family who haven't seen my son since he transitioned back. They were speechless. They did say that he was so sweet last year. I was shocked that they liked him both then and now, and then I thought, hey, he is still the same person. He was even kinder as a girl in many ways, before he embraced his own testosterone, lol. Just a thought. I feel so much for you parents with older kids fully medicalized out of the house. I just can't imagine not seeing my son. I always wonder what we would do in your situation. I've come to the conclusion that being out of their lives, gives the glitter families 100% validity if we are the bad guys, solidifying our position as absolutely the wrong one. I think having an active potential life line (you), is more important than you think. What if she doubts one day? Would she be more likely to reach out to you if she were already on fair terms with you, or no terms as is? My son swung back rapidly, and we did not discuss it. We left our opinions out of it, bc yeah we were freaking happy and didn't want to ruin it, but that's just it: we can't decide this for them. They have to come to the conclusion themselves. All we can do is be there for them no matter what. Not help them in what we disagree with to but just be there to love them.
Ok revision: I just read a whole bunch of comments here. Maybe I'm right and it's possible to be in her life, but maybe not. She might need to hate you to be able to do what she's doing. To hate her history and feminine side altogether. I still think it's worth a try, bc f the glitter family and ideology that's brainwashing our kids. What can we do? What's in our power. Even the smallest of things, to stay in the game. I wish you luck w all my heart. I know the struggle. I feel like we won the lottery, as my son was once a trainwreck.
“Of course, there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
This. Do not forget this. This is what will cause all of the other forces to eventually retreat and crumble. This whole thing is a battle, but it can only be waged one-day-at-a time. We don’t have the energy to do more than that, but keep the faith and we will prevail. Because:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
The glitter moms, ignorant family members, the irresponsible schools, and the money-motivated and morally-corrupt medical industry are a force for sure, but they have built their ideology on sand and it will come down. When? I don’t know, but I do know that:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
The threats, then the steps to socially transition, then the medicalizations will happen. And the beautiful daughter or son who has tried to reject their beautiful given bodies may make decisions that have permanent, negative impacts. But:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
You and I may truly lose our child to this ghastly, demonic lie, but it will not be for lack of effort and love. Because:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
Keep the faith and be the mother you are--nobody, including your child, can take that away from you.
It broke my heart to read your essay. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
If your daughter had mental illness or difficulties like that, her doctors should not have given her either hormones or a mastectomy. I hope there's a lawsuit in your future. Maybe that would give you some sort of gratification.
I believe it is a mental illness like anorexia or Tourette's that doesn't effect the intelligence, but causes obsessional and delusional thinking. Anorexia kills more people than any other mental illness and destroys the functioning of whole families as transgenderism does. There are also cases of people thinking they need an arm or leg removed (like Denise Ann Fell) and convince doctors to do it. There is no convincing these people that such thoughts are irrational despite them having normal intelligence.
NO matter the etiology or source of the struggle this is tearing families, including mine, apart. We agree that 'mental illness' is a trash can term for things we don't understand having more to do with human attachment and struggle. The need of this generation to have something 'wrong' with them, to be oppressed and misunderstood is confounding and excruciating. I wish you well. Having sat for years with folks who bring me their 'mental illness', I do understand it comes from somewhere and someone is profiting....even me, from human pain.
On this day, my child’s 35th birthday, I read this again. My heart is so with yours. I have lost all that is dear to me and mostly my sanity. Blamed by extended family for something I never did. I was a good mom. I haven’t deserved being vilified and attacked for not believing something that isn’t true. The thought police have silenced me….my child continues to be swept away and no one is talking any sense. I really, truly don’t know what to do anymore.
Maybe this will help you. https://pitt.substack.com/p/again-putting-my-head-above-the-parapet?s=r
Not sure this can work for those of us whose children are no longer at home and have cut us off completely.
So heartbreaking to see your beloved child seized by a delusion that compels her to mutilate her body: the body you so lovingly nurtured from birth.
You are not a bad mother. You are the only one that sees the elephant (or monster) in the room. The others are brainwashed. As a mother myself with a daughter (now age 28) who survived the opiod epidemic, I feel your pain and your love for your daughter. I pray you can find resolution and peace once again.
My heart is breaking for you. I "ONLY" lost a husband to the "gender cult". He had been a selfish bastard destroying our marriage by his own inclination and dedicating his every waking hour to that end. So eventually I had to concede that he had won that battle: I didn't care if he lived or died provided he was nowhere near me and my (our) children.... even with the financial anxiety that that caused by abandoning us. I simply cannot imagine the torture of your own child turning against you because SHE is lost in the "gender cult". You will hold your ground. You are of course totally right. I hope with all my heart that she manages to find a gentle way to apologize to you when she does, belatedly, realise that you were right all along.
PS: my ex-husband committed suicide because, 12 years after his castration, his prostate gland came back to haunt him. The surgeons cannot remove the prostate because to do so would cause incontinence. Unfortunately for him the effects of estrogen became less of an inhibitor to his prostate, which resumed swelling without any cancerous lesions. He simply could not reconcile the delusion of his mind and the reality of his body - he was XY and had a prostate!
Keep resisting the pressure to pretend. It takes strength to go against the flow. I know. My integrity matters more to me than what others think. Mothers know best.
It is obscene, but how can they justify only telling one part of the story (they're against banning, after all), but effectively banning any information about long-term health effects and detransitioners?
I cried myself to sleep last night. In the last few days leading up to Christmas I tried to reach out to my daughter who won’t come home and has been groomed by a transman. She hates me and my story is so similar to yours and all the parents here. My families are torn and people see me as pathetic or paranoid. I hardly talk anymore and when I do people dismiss me or appease me. I have lost all hope as I watch the antics of celebrities, politicians, doctors, therapists, clinics and counselors who promote this transgender ideology. Nails on the chalkboard. That’s what it sounds like when they smile and nod, when they pretend to know what’s right. I can say that because you wrote this, I can breathe a little right now. Thank you 🌲
We have to hold onto some self esteem. We have done nothing wrong.
You have a huge fam out here of people who GET IT. Please take inner strength from our energy. Merry Christmas to you (from a Hanukah and Solstice celebrant).
It’s just insane. It’s so much easier to blame other people for the surgery and hormones not ‘fixing’ the problem. They hate themselves, we do not hate them. The deflection from the core mental health issues is why they won’t get any better
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can relate very much. My 26 year old son is a victim of this ideology. However, I have to say we are not failing as mothers. I have to believe that we are praying for our kids and that we did everything we could for them. It is so sad and this time of year is hard. My son has gone no contact. But I do have many people who support me. I support you. You will never be able to do enough for her. She has to decide when she’s had enough of the lie.
I feel so sorry for this, I'm sure deep down, she knows that you love her very much.
Time to cut her out of your life. As long as the door is open, she will think that she can shout abuse through it. Once it’s closed, she might start knocking
They don't start knocking.They have been CONvinced we hate them. I've made it very clear my door is always open, even though I disagree. I have also made it clear, It will be me, not his "community" who is there when he bleeds out from the amputation. He knows it too, and called a couple weeks ago threatening to jump off his apartment building because I won't help him "transition". I am literally the only reason he stopped hormones and hasn't had any surgery. I will never call him my daughter, nor will I abandon my son. Unconditional love.
I assume by “her” you mean the daughter- this exact same (terrible) advice is given all the time on Reddit from mentally ill adults to children who think they are trans. Except the “her” is the mother. The scorched earth approach to relationships, especially with family, is extremely destructive.
That's horrible and I'm so sorry for your situation. My son was 13-15 while only socially transitioned, and now fully desisted. When they are older it's harder... I feel for you.
In my case my husband would not budge and he was completely rejected. I went neutral pronouns just to stay in his life (he constantly battled me on it wanting she/her), and woukd not use any name at all other than 'honey' or, 'my baby'. It was horrible no matter what I did no doubt. My mantra was that I am his mom, and love him unconditionally, and it's ONLY about that. I don't need to mention anything else. He knows where I stand, and our relationship does not address those topics. Is there any way to just keep it neutral with her, just to stay in her life? I feel like your presence is important, and other positive interaction and influence in other categories, will keep a reminder in the back of her head, that your opinion isn't evil, if she should ever come to that point. I would try to stay in the game for her sake. It's difficult and painful to do, but a mom's job is brutal anyway. What would happen if you told her you love her unconditionally, and even though you disagree immensely w her decisions, you want to be a part of her life. Will she agree not to 'talk politics ' w you, and be in each other's lives? On the flip side, she's still in there.
I just went out to a party w family who haven't seen my son since he transitioned back. They were speechless. They did say that he was so sweet last year. I was shocked that they liked him both then and now, and then I thought, hey, he is still the same person. He was even kinder as a girl in many ways, before he embraced his own testosterone, lol. Just a thought. I feel so much for you parents with older kids fully medicalized out of the house. I just can't imagine not seeing my son. I always wonder what we would do in your situation. I've come to the conclusion that being out of their lives, gives the glitter families 100% validity if we are the bad guys, solidifying our position as absolutely the wrong one. I think having an active potential life line (you), is more important than you think. What if she doubts one day? Would she be more likely to reach out to you if she were already on fair terms with you, or no terms as is? My son swung back rapidly, and we did not discuss it. We left our opinions out of it, bc yeah we were freaking happy and didn't want to ruin it, but that's just it: we can't decide this for them. They have to come to the conclusion themselves. All we can do is be there for them no matter what. Not help them in what we disagree with to but just be there to love them.
Ok revision: I just read a whole bunch of comments here. Maybe I'm right and it's possible to be in her life, but maybe not. She might need to hate you to be able to do what she's doing. To hate her history and feminine side altogether. I still think it's worth a try, bc f the glitter family and ideology that's brainwashing our kids. What can we do? What's in our power. Even the smallest of things, to stay in the game. I wish you luck w all my heart. I know the struggle. I feel like we won the lottery, as my son was once a trainwreck.
“Of course, there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
This. Do not forget this. This is what will cause all of the other forces to eventually retreat and crumble. This whole thing is a battle, but it can only be waged one-day-at-a time. We don’t have the energy to do more than that, but keep the faith and we will prevail. Because:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
The glitter moms, ignorant family members, the irresponsible schools, and the money-motivated and morally-corrupt medical industry are a force for sure, but they have built their ideology on sand and it will come down. When? I don’t know, but I do know that:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
The threats, then the steps to socially transition, then the medicalizations will happen. And the beautiful daughter or son who has tried to reject their beautiful given bodies may make decisions that have permanent, negative impacts. But:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
You and I may truly lose our child to this ghastly, demonic lie, but it will not be for lack of effort and love. Because:
“there's no such thing as a mother giving in. This is a fundamental truth.”
Keep the faith and be the mother you are--nobody, including your child, can take that away from you.
It broke my heart to read your essay. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
If your daughter had mental illness or difficulties like that, her doctors should not have given her either hormones or a mastectomy. I hope there's a lawsuit in your future. Maybe that would give you some sort of gratification.
I believe it is a mental illness like anorexia or Tourette's that doesn't effect the intelligence, but causes obsessional and delusional thinking. Anorexia kills more people than any other mental illness and destroys the functioning of whole families as transgenderism does. There are also cases of people thinking they need an arm or leg removed (like Denise Ann Fell) and convince doctors to do it. There is no convincing these people that such thoughts are irrational despite them having normal intelligence.
NO matter the etiology or source of the struggle this is tearing families, including mine, apart. We agree that 'mental illness' is a trash can term for things we don't understand having more to do with human attachment and struggle. The need of this generation to have something 'wrong' with them, to be oppressed and misunderstood is confounding and excruciating. I wish you well. Having sat for years with folks who bring me their 'mental illness', I do understand it comes from somewhere and someone is profiting....even me, from human pain.