I’m sorry… I’m sorry that when I see the photos of your sons dressed in nice suits and standing next to their dates for a dance, instead of feeling happy for you all, I cry. I cry because I might not get to see my son that way ever. I’m sorry for feeling jealous when I see your kids going to school sporting events and having the best time of their lives with their friends.
Or maybe it's okay for this parent to feel sad about missing out on life experiences and milestones because their child's been brainwashed into a cult?
The other day I looked up the roommate/"best friend" who began taking T the same night as my daughter. They met the first week at college and her first comment to my daughter was that she was trans. They became inseparable--wearing the same clothes, the same haircut, even taking some of the same classes. The social media profile photo I saw last week showed a young woman with medium-length wavy hair and minimal makeup. The old photo with the boyish haircut, heavy brows and masculine features was gone. While I was happy that my daughter's friend appeared to have detransitioned, it cut me to the core. My daughter, who had showed no previous signs of dysphoria, never found her way back and continues to take T. Based on her current circumstances, I don't see her stopping this "transition." She seems like a different person and I suppose she is.
It's easy for people to say things like "It's not about you," but it is about us, the families, too. It's like there was a family photo and our child disappeared from it, and then little by little, the family itself disappeared from the photo and was forgotten by all the other families, who kept doing the things families do. Of course it isn't our children's responsibility to ensure that our life plans come to fruition, and we care more than anything about the health and future of our children, but the reality is that we families of trans-identifying kids are outcasts. Our children have estranged us if we even brought up the long-term effects of hormones, and we are not allowed to express our grief openly because to do anything other than celebrate our children's "journey" is considered despicable by the ignorant, brainwashed masses. Most people probably assume that we deserved to be cut off.
I’ve never felt so ripped off as when my daughter wore pants and a jacket to the prom and went with her loser ex friend who did the same. I never got to go
dress shopping with her- and felt totally jealous watching all the other girls wear their dresses. I’ll have no photo to proudly show anyone ever.
Disclaimer: Have two young kids, am not the parent of a trans-identifying child.
Lots of girls don’t shop for prom dresses with their moms. They think their moms are lame and have no sense of style, or they’d just rather do it with their friends. I didn’t even go to my junior prom; my friends and I went to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” instead. (Did go to senior prom, though.)
Prom pictures become pretty irrelevant within six months or so after graduation. I get that this is symbolic of something bigger for you, and I’m not discounting that. But I’ve seen some people have this “if not for trans” mindset - if not for trans, their child would be living exactly how the parents want them to live. And that’s not necessarily true.
“I’ve seen some people”. ‘if not for trans mindset’. That in itself is shocking….like this is some commonplace thing that happens…How many have this mindset you talk of??
These parents are lonely & lament the norm. Of course not every girl wants to shop for a prom dress or even wants to go to prom. But they are still girls. They are not medicalizing themselves into the opposite sex
I didn't say it was a commonplace thing. But I've seen it at least a handful of times, on this site and on other places. It makes me wonder if some (*some*) parents of trans-identifying kids had a very specific mold they expected their kids to conform to, and if that expectation has something to do with why their kids went in such a drastically different direction. (I think there are probably a billion different reasons why kids decide they're trans, and I'm not blaming the parents.)
I understand that I don't have a trans-identifying kid, and I might have a different perspective on this if I did. But...I mean, I don't have these pictures in my head of what I expect my kids to do as teenagers and adults, beyond stuff like "finish high school" and "don't end up in prison." I expect them to be productive, useful people in society, and I hope that they'll be happy, but I don't have these ideas in my head about how their social lives or romantic lives will look one day.
I understand thinking, "I am mourning because my child has done drastic, damaging things to his/her body, and I feel like the person I knew and loved is gone." I don't understand thinking, "I've never felt so ripped off" (never?!) "as when my daughter wore pants and a jacket to the prom...[and] I never got to go dress shopping with her." Because I don't expect that my kids are going to meet some sort of John Hughes movie ideal of going to the prom. It's not their job to make their high school social experience match some kind of parental expectation.
Heck, I don't think *any* of my friends shopped for prom dresses with their moms. My mom called me from a store and said, "There's this white one with pink flowers I think you might like. Want me to buy it, and if you don't like it, I'll return it?" (This was before cameras in cell phones.) I said sure, okay, and as it happened, I did like it, and I was kind of burned out on formal dances anyway, so I kept it. *shrug*
I would say pretty much every parent on this site has very fluid & non specific expectations for their kids & were happily going with the flow. Most have been blindsided with how ‘the flow’ went wrong. For very complicated & varied reasons that we are all trying to figure out, they have decided to transition. Some of which I am sure are akin to rebellion . But this is a forum for parents to be given a break, grieve & vent. Support networks & relationships have been lost for many. They are simply expressing their dreams. And our advice to new parents is to be vigilant, don’t underestimate. Getting taken down this road has been a shock for a great many ordinary families.
I know the feeling, I took myself off social media, when my daughter went in a suit, worst of all I dropped her there alone ( hubby conviently had to work) picked her up alone. she had a place at a table with "friend" but no one invited her to befores or afters. All those so called friends didnt really want her around & still dont. So here we are 2 years on her making her life lonely, my saddness & anxiety out of control. As a "friend" said to me at the time "you've been robbed" whilst they went dress & makeup shopping with their daughter. The lack of mother daughter relationship hurts so hard
You created a real person with independent thought. A child is not an extension of your own ego. Maybe it's okay that their life is their own and doesn't revolve around you?
Or maybe it's okay for this parent to feel sad about missing out on life experiences and milestones because their child's been brainwashed into a cult?
You're ridiculous, I'm not saying they do. But it is OKAY for a person to feel sad, hurt, let down, betrayed, etc. due to the actions or choices of others. It doesn't mean they think others exist solely for their own gratification.
Okay, and it's okay for children to live their own lives instead of making life choices based on what will fuel the parent's narcissistic preconceptions about what parenting is like. A child has not wronged their parent by skipping prom or wearing an outfit the parent doesn't like to prom. The sooner you recognize that your child is a real human being and not a mindless prop in your life story, the happier you'll be. Take pleasure in getting to know them instead of trying to cram them into a preordained place in your fantasy.
There's a saying in the south, it can mean whatever you want it to. Bless your heart. May you never grow up to be a parent and have to remember in shame how much of a ignorant fool you were. You might even discover that your own parents were right about a few things. Most of us have been there, but it's okay. It gets better with age and maturity. Good luck dear.
Many people shrug it off, say 'oh well, he's a teen. You know how selfish they can be?' They don't understand the difference. I believe my son is being influenced by other trans, activists etc. But I can't help feeling that that shouldn't be enough to turn him away from a family who loves him. People have stopped asking about him and I feel like he is disappearing in every way.
I remember well that feeling that my child was “disappearing in every way”. People seemed not to care. Only I noticed. Our real love is about more than superficial kindness. The strong influences pulling our children away are simply evil beyond comprehension.
Honesty from this parent. The pain and destruction of this ideology is so horrific. It’s hard to think about the lives ruined, the families disrupted and diminished.
My heart breaks for you & others who are hurting, everything you said resonates with me for different reasons, mine was divorce & the loss of my family. I am 68 years old now & have finally accepted life the way it is now. My oldest son hides himself on the net, no trace of him, my daughter followed him in wiping me too. My youngest son is with me, but the loss is there but coming to terms with it has helped me a lot. I know absolutely nothing relative to my son who is now grown-up, I know what a loving mother I was, that's all that matters. All those years of nurturing him, loving him, seeing him grow but never into a man, well, so-be-it is how I now cope. I put the rest of my pain into God's hands. I never look at old photo's, keep walking & not looking at happy families or babies, never look & feel sorry for myself anymore, it seems pointless now.
I hope these words from Helen Keller (who was blind & deaf) is a heart-soothing balm for your hurting heart: outward appearances seen or unseen never changes love: hand it all over to God.
“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,
For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
Deb, I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this and that your son has too. How can our kids have changed so much? I try to comfort myself by thinking, "that person I loved and was so close to doesn't exist anymore." It stops the pain for a moment, but it's also horrifying, because that means he's dead, that the person who inhabits his body killed him. I wish we could all form one big family and get together on holidays, maybe adopt some new children and start again if we're not too old (I am). Sending you hugs.
I wish I agreed with Helen Keller's post. I have lost my son as I knew him. We are not estranged, though. To bear estrangement from your son and daughter seems so truly awful. I'm glad you are finding ways to salvage your life. I admire your resiliency. I am not religious, though, but I do find the natural world offers solace as does tuning into remaining blessings.
I am not estranged from my son either ... but having to repeatedly see the damage being done, to be reminded of the losses we've experienced both now and in the future while we work to maintain the relationship. To know we may never see some of these joyful things other experience is so hard, I try not to think about them. One day at a time. One event at a time. After watching the Jordan Peterson interview with Miriam Grossman - and the discussion of trauma - I've learned that it's ok to shield myself from continuously being traumatized. I am not wrong or broken to want to do it - it's necessary to continue living. If you've never watched this interview, I recommend it. But it's painful ... I found it helpful and healing to begin to take care of myself differently. It finally put a name on what I was feeling and legitimized it somehow .... no one else hardly talks about how parents feel. https://youtu.be/Su2Z4_iQHz4?si=PONEJGJ37uKhpqdq
I watched the video with Jordan Peterson and Miriam Grossman too and when she talked about parents having PTSD I was so grateful that someone understood what I am going through! It was such a relief to know I was justified in my feelings. I refuse to see what my son is doing to himself and since I won’t use his preferred name and pronouns, he refuses to see me.
These feelings are so true. I understand them and feel them daily. I put on my “I’m okay” face. I take care of my family, go to work, laugh, and smile. But I’m being eaten alive by losing my son. Love and support to you.
So far I have joined but never seem to make the calls due to dinner or kids. I need to connect with other parents. Thank you for the reminder. I need to prioritize it. Just texting on here has been a big help!
Once I disciplined myself away from social media posts & even conversations about kids I felt some of the stress was lifted. Listening to other people’s accounts of their kids is torturous & I can take it in small doses. In some ways it is good. It confirms in my mind how absolutely wrong this is, our kids are deluded, they are LOST & this is a terrible, terrible movement. Shame on anyone who perpetuates
To any of you estranged from family members due to the trans issue I have joined a meetup up group for those who have been estranged from their adult children They meet every Sunday morning on Zoom I am going to try it this Sunday I think it would be helpful to actually talk with others going through this
Scrolling curated happy pics can make anyone's life seem wrong. With trans id'ed kids it is compounded a million times. Remember curated Facebook posts are not the reality of messy lives. If 'dopamine hit' had a term to describe its opposite, perhaps 'despair bullet' would fit the bill.
I'm sorry that I am bitter when I discover that you voted for policies that led to the destruction on my child.
I'm sorry to myself for cringing when I see old photos of my happy, wonderful, messy, gorgeous life that my family used to have.
I hate social media now and don't get on Facebook anymore so that I don't see my old memories, nor do I see those of my friends. It's all for show, anyway.
My child was socially transitioned from male to female. We were told that if we didn’t go along that our child would lull themselves. We were exhausted, scared and trusted the “experts” at the clinic. I regret it every day. Still trying to find a therapist who can help us with this .
Or maybe it's okay for this parent to feel sad about missing out on life experiences and milestones because their child's been brainwashed into a cult?
The other day I looked up the roommate/"best friend" who began taking T the same night as my daughter. They met the first week at college and her first comment to my daughter was that she was trans. They became inseparable--wearing the same clothes, the same haircut, even taking some of the same classes. The social media profile photo I saw last week showed a young woman with medium-length wavy hair and minimal makeup. The old photo with the boyish haircut, heavy brows and masculine features was gone. While I was happy that my daughter's friend appeared to have detransitioned, it cut me to the core. My daughter, who had showed no previous signs of dysphoria, never found her way back and continues to take T. Based on her current circumstances, I don't see her stopping this "transition." She seems like a different person and I suppose she is.
It's easy for people to say things like "It's not about you," but it is about us, the families, too. It's like there was a family photo and our child disappeared from it, and then little by little, the family itself disappeared from the photo and was forgotten by all the other families, who kept doing the things families do. Of course it isn't our children's responsibility to ensure that our life plans come to fruition, and we care more than anything about the health and future of our children, but the reality is that we families of trans-identifying kids are outcasts. Our children have estranged us if we even brought up the long-term effects of hormones, and we are not allowed to express our grief openly because to do anything other than celebrate our children's "journey" is considered despicable by the ignorant, brainwashed masses. Most people probably assume that we deserved to be cut off.
I’ve never felt so ripped off as when my daughter wore pants and a jacket to the prom and went with her loser ex friend who did the same. I never got to go
dress shopping with her- and felt totally jealous watching all the other girls wear their dresses. I’ll have no photo to proudly show anyone ever.
Disclaimer: Have two young kids, am not the parent of a trans-identifying child.
Lots of girls don’t shop for prom dresses with their moms. They think their moms are lame and have no sense of style, or they’d just rather do it with their friends. I didn’t even go to my junior prom; my friends and I went to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” instead. (Did go to senior prom, though.)
Prom pictures become pretty irrelevant within six months or so after graduation. I get that this is symbolic of something bigger for you, and I’m not discounting that. But I’ve seen some people have this “if not for trans” mindset - if not for trans, their child would be living exactly how the parents want them to live. And that’s not necessarily true.
“I’ve seen some people”. ‘if not for trans mindset’. That in itself is shocking….like this is some commonplace thing that happens…How many have this mindset you talk of??
These parents are lonely & lament the norm. Of course not every girl wants to shop for a prom dress or even wants to go to prom. But they are still girls. They are not medicalizing themselves into the opposite sex
I didn't say it was a commonplace thing. But I've seen it at least a handful of times, on this site and on other places. It makes me wonder if some (*some*) parents of trans-identifying kids had a very specific mold they expected their kids to conform to, and if that expectation has something to do with why their kids went in such a drastically different direction. (I think there are probably a billion different reasons why kids decide they're trans, and I'm not blaming the parents.)
I understand that I don't have a trans-identifying kid, and I might have a different perspective on this if I did. But...I mean, I don't have these pictures in my head of what I expect my kids to do as teenagers and adults, beyond stuff like "finish high school" and "don't end up in prison." I expect them to be productive, useful people in society, and I hope that they'll be happy, but I don't have these ideas in my head about how their social lives or romantic lives will look one day.
I understand thinking, "I am mourning because my child has done drastic, damaging things to his/her body, and I feel like the person I knew and loved is gone." I don't understand thinking, "I've never felt so ripped off" (never?!) "as when my daughter wore pants and a jacket to the prom...[and] I never got to go dress shopping with her." Because I don't expect that my kids are going to meet some sort of John Hughes movie ideal of going to the prom. It's not their job to make their high school social experience match some kind of parental expectation.
Heck, I don't think *any* of my friends shopped for prom dresses with their moms. My mom called me from a store and said, "There's this white one with pink flowers I think you might like. Want me to buy it, and if you don't like it, I'll return it?" (This was before cameras in cell phones.) I said sure, okay, and as it happened, I did like it, and I was kind of burned out on formal dances anyway, so I kept it. *shrug*
I would say pretty much every parent on this site has very fluid & non specific expectations for their kids & were happily going with the flow. Most have been blindsided with how ‘the flow’ went wrong. For very complicated & varied reasons that we are all trying to figure out, they have decided to transition. Some of which I am sure are akin to rebellion . But this is a forum for parents to be given a break, grieve & vent. Support networks & relationships have been lost for many. They are simply expressing their dreams. And our advice to new parents is to be vigilant, don’t underestimate. Getting taken down this road has been a shock for a great many ordinary families.
I know the feeling, I took myself off social media, when my daughter went in a suit, worst of all I dropped her there alone ( hubby conviently had to work) picked her up alone. she had a place at a table with "friend" but no one invited her to befores or afters. All those so called friends didnt really want her around & still dont. So here we are 2 years on her making her life lonely, my saddness & anxiety out of control. As a "friend" said to me at the time "you've been robbed" whilst they went dress & makeup shopping with their daughter. The lack of mother daughter relationship hurts so hard
You created a real person with independent thought. A child is not an extension of your own ego. Maybe it's okay that their life is their own and doesn't revolve around you?
Or maybe it's okay for this parent to feel sad about missing out on life experiences and milestones because their child's been brainwashed into a cult?
Children do not exist for the gratification of the parents you narcissistic freaks.
You're ridiculous, I'm not saying they do. But it is OKAY for a person to feel sad, hurt, let down, betrayed, etc. due to the actions or choices of others. It doesn't mean they think others exist solely for their own gratification.
Okay, and it's okay for children to live their own lives instead of making life choices based on what will fuel the parent's narcissistic preconceptions about what parenting is like. A child has not wronged their parent by skipping prom or wearing an outfit the parent doesn't like to prom. The sooner you recognize that your child is a real human being and not a mindless prop in your life story, the happier you'll be. Take pleasure in getting to know them instead of trying to cram them into a preordained place in your fantasy.
There's a saying in the south, it can mean whatever you want it to. Bless your heart. May you never grow up to be a parent and have to remember in shame how much of a ignorant fool you were. You might even discover that your own parents were right about a few things. Most of us have been there, but it's okay. It gets better with age and maturity. Good luck dear.
Raw & Real. Kudos & Thank You.
Many people shrug it off, say 'oh well, he's a teen. You know how selfish they can be?' They don't understand the difference. I believe my son is being influenced by other trans, activists etc. But I can't help feeling that that shouldn't be enough to turn him away from a family who loves him. People have stopped asking about him and I feel like he is disappearing in every way.
I remember well that feeling that my child was “disappearing in every way”. People seemed not to care. Only I noticed. Our real love is about more than superficial kindness. The strong influences pulling our children away are simply evil beyond comprehension.
Honesty from this parent. The pain and destruction of this ideology is so horrific. It’s hard to think about the lives ruined, the families disrupted and diminished.
My heart breaks for you & others who are hurting, everything you said resonates with me for different reasons, mine was divorce & the loss of my family. I am 68 years old now & have finally accepted life the way it is now. My oldest son hides himself on the net, no trace of him, my daughter followed him in wiping me too. My youngest son is with me, but the loss is there but coming to terms with it has helped me a lot. I know absolutely nothing relative to my son who is now grown-up, I know what a loving mother I was, that's all that matters. All those years of nurturing him, loving him, seeing him grow but never into a man, well, so-be-it is how I now cope. I put the rest of my pain into God's hands. I never look at old photo's, keep walking & not looking at happy families or babies, never look & feel sorry for myself anymore, it seems pointless now.
I hope these words from Helen Keller (who was blind & deaf) is a heart-soothing balm for your hurting heart: outward appearances seen or unseen never changes love: hand it all over to God.
“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,
For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
― Helen Keller
Deb, I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this and that your son has too. How can our kids have changed so much? I try to comfort myself by thinking, "that person I loved and was so close to doesn't exist anymore." It stops the pain for a moment, but it's also horrifying, because that means he's dead, that the person who inhabits his body killed him. I wish we could all form one big family and get together on holidays, maybe adopt some new children and start again if we're not too old (I am). Sending you hugs.
I wish I agreed with Helen Keller's post. I have lost my son as I knew him. We are not estranged, though. To bear estrangement from your son and daughter seems so truly awful. I'm glad you are finding ways to salvage your life. I admire your resiliency. I am not religious, though, but I do find the natural world offers solace as does tuning into remaining blessings.
I am not estranged from my son either ... but having to repeatedly see the damage being done, to be reminded of the losses we've experienced both now and in the future while we work to maintain the relationship. To know we may never see some of these joyful things other experience is so hard, I try not to think about them. One day at a time. One event at a time. After watching the Jordan Peterson interview with Miriam Grossman - and the discussion of trauma - I've learned that it's ok to shield myself from continuously being traumatized. I am not wrong or broken to want to do it - it's necessary to continue living. If you've never watched this interview, I recommend it. But it's painful ... I found it helpful and healing to begin to take care of myself differently. It finally put a name on what I was feeling and legitimized it somehow .... no one else hardly talks about how parents feel. https://youtu.be/Su2Z4_iQHz4?si=PONEJGJ37uKhpqdq
I watched the video with Jordan Peterson and Miriam Grossman too and when she talked about parents having PTSD I was so grateful that someone understood what I am going through! It was such a relief to know I was justified in my feelings. I refuse to see what my son is doing to himself and since I won’t use his preferred name and pronouns, he refuses to see me.
These feelings are so true. I understand them and feel them daily. I put on my “I’m okay” face. I take care of my family, go to work, laugh, and smile. But I’m being eaten alive by losing my son. Love and support to you.
So far I have joined but never seem to make the calls due to dinner or kids. I need to connect with other parents. Thank you for the reminder. I need to prioritize it. Just texting on here has been a big help!
Once I disciplined myself away from social media posts & even conversations about kids I felt some of the stress was lifted. Listening to other people’s accounts of their kids is torturous & I can take it in small doses. In some ways it is good. It confirms in my mind how absolutely wrong this is, our kids are deluded, they are LOST & this is a terrible, terrible movement. Shame on anyone who perpetuates
To any of you estranged from family members due to the trans issue I have joined a meetup up group for those who have been estranged from their adult children They meet every Sunday morning on Zoom I am going to try it this Sunday I think it would be helpful to actually talk with others going through this
Me too... I feel the same way. And not just on social media. I feel that way when I see families at school, at the supermarket, walking the dog.....
Scrolling curated happy pics can make anyone's life seem wrong. With trans id'ed kids it is compounded a million times. Remember curated Facebook posts are not the reality of messy lives. If 'dopamine hit' had a term to describe its opposite, perhaps 'despair bullet' would fit the bill.
Accurate...add to that:
I'm sorry that I am bitter when I discover that you voted for policies that led to the destruction on my child.
I'm sorry to myself for cringing when I see old photos of my happy, wonderful, messy, gorgeous life that my family used to have.
I hate social media now and don't get on Facebook anymore so that I don't see my old memories, nor do I see those of my friends. It's all for show, anyway.
My child was socially transitioned from male to female. We were told that if we didn’t go along that our child would lull themselves. We were exhausted, scared and trusted the “experts” at the clinic. I regret it every day. Still trying to find a therapist who can help us with this .
https://www.genderexploratory.com/
In case you don't know about GETA. I am so sorry......
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this!
I hope you have other resources as well, like a parent support group. GDSN has them every week. Really a lifeline for many of us.