To My Dear Friends: No, I don’t believe your son is now your daughter

No, that isn’t bigotry

Our lunch yesterday was intense. Maybe such a discussion was inevitable, given our opposite views on trans issues. I've tiptoed around for quite some time to make sure you knew where I stood without making a big deal of it, hoping to avoid just such a confrontation. I dropped comments into earlier conversations to indicate where I stood, like when I said, very briefly, perhaps a year or so ago, to Gary*, that people can't change sex. When Gary looked surprised, I added, “maybe you don't agree so let's change the topic”. We did. But I'd made my point, and there was no blow-up.

I also told you both some months later about my current book project, which I have spent the past two years researching and writing, on the indoctrination of kids into trans ideology. That did get somewhat tense, but we again changed the topic and our visit ended well.

I care about and feel compassion for you both. I don't know how I'd have coped if my own son had decided out of the blue that he wished he could be the opposite sex. I recall the period, several years ago, when Gary first told me of Paul's*, now Lisa's* decision. Both of you spoke of your son's announcement at the time as a choice he’d made, not as a fixed identity. At some point, Monique*, and after that, Gary started referring to their son as their daughter. But you didn't speak of him that way at first. So, you had changed your views. 

But the changing views of others don’t impose obligations on the rest of us to follow suit.

A man who has his penis surgically inverted and takes estrogen is still a man. Every cell in his body that has a nucleus is still XY, not XX. 

When yesterday at lunch Monique brought up the issue of males in women's bathrooms, I said I didn't want any man in the stall next to me, no matter how he identifies. Women have a right to dignity and privacy, and that's an assault on both. When Monique then asked if I'd have a problem with Lisa in the stall next to me, I had to answer truthfully: yes, I'd have a problem, because Lisa is a man. Although neither of you had put me on the spot before in a way that required me to state this explicitly, my answer shouldn't have surprised you. 

Monique suggested that my unwillingness to share intimate female spaces with men, whether or not they mimic women, is the same kind of bigotry as refusing to share intimate female spaces with black women. Gary appeared to agree. But the unwillingness of any woman to give up her rights is not bigotry.  

Men and women segregate themselves from each other when in the toilet for good reasons. It appears to be instinctual because it's true of males and females in far-flung societies. 

It's neither liberal nor tolerant to demand that women abandon their rights and their boundaries to accommodate men who would like to be thought of as women. Making such demands is, instead, authoritarian. It's also not within the rights of any third party to give any man access to women's and girls' private spaces.

We have a tradition in this country of tolerating the beliefs of others, and it's a good one. We don't, however, have a tradition of coercing people to act according to beliefs they don't share. Such coercion has become a big problem when it comes to trans ideology.

A man in a dress is still a man. A man who's had surgery to approximate the appearance of the other sex is still a man. A man has no right to enter places where women and girls are in states of undress or involved in the elimination of bodily wastes. This really shouldn't have to be said.

I understand that you're angry with me. That was very clear as I left yesterday. And I was angry at Monique's suggestion that my embrace of biological reality makes me a bigot.

While I said that we still planned to come to Thanksgiving at your house, I realized later that we all need some time to sort out our emotions about this. Maybe, we can have a calmer, cooler discussion at another time. Soon, I hope. I value your friendship. I hope you value mine. 

XXOO,

* Names changed to protect privacy