246 Comments

To be facing this alone without the support of your husband, to have no allies in your own house, and to share such incredible observations about the mind of the believer while going through this - you have true grit and we are grateful for what you are bringing to the table while facing this disgusting personal inquisition from your nearest and dearest. I hope your son comes around to reality, and I hope your relationship with your husband can heal after what must feel like such absolute betrayal.

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See Eric Hoffer's "The True Believers". Also see Gary Saul Morson's essay titled "Leninthink" in The New Criterion.

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One sought wisdom gained and explained over the ages of humankind knowing that nothing new has occurred, the other sought what the current spirit of the age was saying to do about the current issue as if they were seeing the problem for the first time. One understands wisdom to find solutions that they can make make unto themselves to grasp the reality of the world, the other looks for solutions that are untried, unproven, untrusted, unscientific as if this were a new problem never discovered. One would be ok if their child was given over to the spirit of the age for unproven surgery and hormones sacrificing their child to the volcano where no sexual pleasure will ever occur, where no children will ever be raised, where death and despair linger. The other sees thousands of years of human flourishing and a multitude of paths taken to flourish where none involved the surgeries or hormones. One is prideful thinking themselves God willing to destroy everything around them including one's own child, the other know they are not God and in reverent humility yearns to learn. God help us all!

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This is a such an accurate description of the gender affirming person that you refer to as “The Believer”. I do take pause with the label, though. Most people associate it with those who are followers of Christ. Maybe a more appropriate label would be “The Indoctrinated”, “The Confused”, or “The Brainwashed”. Regardless, this is an accurate description of those who have been fooled into believing this is compassionate care.

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Apr 25, 2023·edited Apr 25, 2023

I found this commentary from the perspective of someone obviously from the tribal political left really interesting. You are correct that your husband is terrified of accepting that the tribe has made a single mistake, because the glue that holds the tribe together is fundamentally emotional, it's tribal affiliation, not carefully considered argument. Start puling a thread, and the whole garment might fall apart. The very large number of people for whom this has actually happened, been 'red pilled' in the common parlance, and their personal explanations, which without exception rely on honestly confronting the facts in spite of an accepted narrative within the tribe to horrible personal costs, vs. the near absence of the opposite, is strong enough evidence that your husband is quite correct in his fears.

I would just propose that gender craziness isn't the only narrative that the tribe has wrong. Rather than equating the 'other side' with limelight-seeking clowns, I would really recommend that you give a listen to some of the most thoughtful critics of the premises of the modern left. (couple of suggestions: The Abolition of Man, by CS Lewis, a timeless classic; or for something more modern the collection of Peter Kreeft essays, How to Destroy Western Civilization and Other Ideas from the Cultural Abyss; or if you prefer to listen - try Spencer Klavan over the likes of the louder blowhard-types your husband seems familiar with). There is a reason that the left is so gung-ho on transgenderism. It is the logical outworking of an argument based on an incorrect premise. Dig into that, really try to understand it, and when you can finally say, OK, this makes sense to people who believe that premise, you can then step back and appreciate all the other parts of the artifice that also rely on that premise. Just a simple example: that we need to really focus now on making it as easy as possible to terminate babies in the final week or two of pregnancy, which (as can be seen by various state laws that link them) is intimately tangled up with efforts to trans as many kids as possible. Rejecting a premise that you previously took as properly basic, i.e., a truth that requires no evidence to know, is one of the most psychologically destabilizing and painful and difficult things a human can do. In all likelihood, your husband isn't stupid, or irrational, or mercenary. He is rightly terrified of pulling on that thread... of questioning everything, of being thrown out of the tribe, of losing a network of relationships that orients him in the world, of going into the abyss.

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Apr 24, 2023·edited Apr 24, 2023

Hi your story shatters my heart to pieces as a mother the struggle to bring a child with hopes and dreams , only to lose them in this graveyard of gender ideology..

I am a mother still fight and struggling to prevent him from taking harmones and tread this path. The clock on me is ticking to save this kid.

He has agreed to see a gender therapist who is not biased and is not giving an affirmative care. But he insisting that he or she should be in california.

I am so lost and frantically looking for a good gender therapist who could be my life saver and would be a hope for my son to change his mind...

Can you please share if you have any therapist i can talk to and of he/she could make him understand the critical dreadful path and the consequences of the medicines and at the end still they will be empty even after transition and will have more mind related issues and ideation. Can some one please help me 🙏

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This is a wonderful piece and I’m trying to do something similar myself, though it is hard to remain detached emotionally.

I can highly recommend the podcast You Are Not So Smart if you want to know more about how the mind works, persuasion, belief, how minds change.

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Such a powerful and brilliant piece. It is now nigh impossible to get through to my former progressive tribe, including family members. A few of them I reached early enough, before it all really spilled into the toxic US political arena. They could see what is happening with their eyes open. A few of them agreed with me or at least were open to my perspective two years ago, but now have a "trans kid" in their own lives, giving them too much cognitive dissonance. They feel "bound" as Eliza Mondegreen puts it, to line up with affirmation or else lose their loved one. They have silently moved away from me. And some people I love will not see the truth for a very long time and will be unlikely to forgive me for "aligning" with the subhuman "right-wing nuts" or remain connected to me because of all the points in your article. At least this is something that can be discussed at times, and there are pockets of light. I wish for a sea change, beyond the lawsuits. I hope that you may get through to your husband and protect your child.

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I recall arguing in class against "Penis Envy", in 1971. Nobody in class joined me. Nobody believes that BS any more, do they? And I recall the Psychiatric Big Book still listed homosexuality as a "disorder" until the 1990's. There have been too many errors for this field of science to dole out so many pharmaceuticals based on so little evidence. But we can definitely see Milgram was right; nobody will buck the guys in the white coats.

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I’m a physician ashamed of those in my profession who mutilate children. I pray that you and your family get through this in one piece (literally and metaphorically).

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This is incredibly insightful. Thank you for writing this. I agree with everything, except your conclusion.

While luckily my husband and I were on the same non-affirming page, there are other issues where I think he is entirely captured, though for slightly different reasons. So over the years, I have been making my own observations and making my own conclusions.

I think that as spouses we can observe, but we can't really influence. There is something about this dynamic which is practically unworkable, especially during stress, and gender-related stress in particular. Maybe because as adult human females we have infinite patience and commitment to help our brainwashed children, but something gets weakened when a grown man is acting like a stubborn child while he SHOULD know better. However, the brainwashed husbands are not in a vacuum either, and while we can't influence them directly, the environment, the culture, and others can. Things will change, and they will not even notice, but they will start telling US that it was THEIR idea in the first place, and isn't it great. Planting those seeds? It works with husbands too.

This said, I remember some 5 years ago, screaming at my husband, in a heated discussion, "I just want the kids to grow up KIND human beings! I'd rather they were kind, than smart." And he was yelling back, "Kind?? That's the LAST thing I want them to be!" It took me years to understand what he meant...

You are in an awful situation. Big hugs to you.

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Thank you for this piece... for sharing your story from a deep place as a mother. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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