On May 20, 2019, my then 14-year old son left me a message on Discord that put a bomb under the foundations of my entire world, although I did not fully appreciate it at the time: "I'm trans" he told me, "...because a friend of a friend has recently come out and changed their name on discord, and I don't really know if I can describe why, but it just feels right"
I have recently come to a new understanding of my neglecting to push my 24-yr-old TID (mtf) son out of the nest as similar to enabling an addict. He is not on any hormones yet, doesn't present in any way, doesn't require the use of alternate name or pronouns, he is kind, and we get along perfectly. But he isn't making any long-term plans that I can see (other than which anime convention he will attend this year). He is employed full-time and has begun paying us rent, but says he is unhappy in his job (the family business since age 15) yet doesn't show much interest in going back to school or trying to get work elsewhere. He just goes to work, comes home and showers, then stays in his room all evening gaming (or the entire day on his days off). He has done this for nearly ten years. He has managed to save a decent amount of money (since he doesn't have many expenses besides his car payment and his insurance payment. He has state Medicaid, so no medical bills or premiums. He has a work phone, so he doesn't have to pay for that. He only has credit card bills that he pays monthly (the entire balance, which can be up to $1,500/mo at times for gaming and entertainment - not sure what all - "art" is how it is described *eyeroll*). He is living an unproductive life and seems bored but willing to just coast for as long as he wants. I do know that he has plans to move out because I have told him he cannot transition under our roof (and until he is out there supporting himself entirely). In the meantime, I have set an intention for myself to somehow convince him that this is the wrong path for him. Every time I think he is turning away from it, I will ask him, is he sure this is what he wants to do? He insists that yes, he is sure, and I won't change his mind about it. He wants boobs. That is all. This is clearly a fetish (he engages in other fetishes as well) and I believe he was introduced to this online in MS and HS, but now it's that damn Discord trans (groomers) chat group that keeps him engaged all day, every day! Anyway, all this was to ask, do you suppose that giving up your home so that your son can live out his fantasy trans life with his (trans?) girlfriend is the right move? Do our kids have "squatter's rights"? It seems clear it was not the right move for your daughter. I feel really sad for you that it seems you are unable to stand up to your son. You described him as hateful. I know it's hard for me to get my head around. My son is clearly lazy (always has been, pretty much, and he admits this), but yours was meanspirited and seems to have captured the household from you. I believe as a mom, you do not want to see your son "on the street" homeless, or worse. I certainly would not want those things for my son either. My husband has not kicked him out or insisted that he move, although that is what we are working toward. (I keep saying that I'm trying to put it off until he reaches age 26 for the brain development and the critical thinking to kick in). But I know that I am enabling him. We have been doing that for five years now - since he graduated HS. When I graduated my parents gave me an ultimatum: go to college full time or get a full-time job. I could not afford college (although I did try it for six months), ran out of money and then was allowed to move home as long as I got a job and paid rent to my parents. I did, and it sucked. I moved out with a girlfriend and basically starved, then begged my parents to let me move back home so I could go to a trade school. I had finally found a path that would get me on my way to supporting myself. I was 21 by then. When my son was 21, he was in the hospital fighting cancer which he fought for two years (he's in remission 18 months now). I think the reason I let everything slide was because I was so afraid we would lose him to the cancer (I am still afraid that it will come back). I'm making excuses for myself for enabling him. If you saw his collection of French maid and Little Bo Peep cosplay costumes, his room that is loaded with half-naked anime girl (Hentai) figurines, posters of the same papering his walls, and the sheep-girl decals on his car, you would know for sure that he is obsessed with this idea and that we are enabling him to continue the obsession (ROGD gender OCD); the porn content he consumes daily resembles an addiction for sure. I hate to say this, but it seems like a problem of "white privilege", and I hate saying that, but it seems true. He was smart enough in school to not really have to work hard at it and he did work, but he seemed bored, lonely, nerdy, so he became enamored with all the things online gaming provided, including groomers and algorithms that fed porn content that was way over his head. I don't know why I'm rambling on your comment section. I'm sure you're doing your best as I feel I am doing my best with the impossible. (I wish Substack had emojis because I would put a string of them here).
In reading some of the comments, I agree your daughter is hurting because of your son's stupidity. He needs tough love. Give him the boot, and pray he wakes up before its to late. I myself have a son who decided he should be a girl in college, at first I thought it was a fad too. I didn't take it seriously. Then I watched WHAT IS A WOMEN. That OPENED my eyes to a WHOLE lot of this BS these young adults or kids, and children are falling for. Now my son doesn't live with us, got of college got a job in another state. I started reading and writing him a letter and sent all my findings to him. And what did I get, I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN. And its been over 2 yrs now. I pray and hope he wakes up maybe before he is 40, he is now 27. Yes it HURTS alot not being able to talk to him. I have been blocked on his phone from calling and texting. Tough love is important. I have never sugar coated anything with him. Always told him what consequences are. I thought we raised a smart not follow the stupid but college got him. My bad for sending him to college. 100k for an idiot. A mother knows in her heart what she has to do plus her gut tells her too. You know best, bit don't let your daughter suffer because of her brother. She is your number one now. Prayers for you and your family. Hugs.
I am sorry for what you've gone through. I'm also sorry to bring this up, but are you aware that trannies cannot be trusted? I wouldn't even let mine house sit for me anymore, because their trans friends are also dishonest. They lie to themselves first, then others, except others to lie for them, and especially lie to those closest! They will flip on you on a dime. They will steal without conscience as well. I would not trust one living in my home, let alone two! Best of luck to you and I hope you can repair and foster your important relationship with your daughter. Focus on her now and move back home. Let your son figure out his consequences on his own, as he's already done with his body.
I think you need to give the older "child" 30 days to move and go back home with your daughter, she shouldn't have to,suffer the burden of the older child. By you paying everything you are silently, in fact, supporting his decision. Children at that age sometimes have to go thru really hard times to learn amd grow. (After my son was forced to sleep in his car for 3 months he learned some important lessons).
You are one amazing woman to have endured so much for so long. I’m glad you have found others who understand and keep you going.
However, by allowing your son to stay in YOUR home, you are not only enabling him, but creating tensions with your daughter that may never be resolved in future. Essentially this selfish boy has taken priority over your daughter and she should not have to suffer because of your son’s incredibly self obsessed behaviour.
He is 18, it could take years, if ever, for him to realise what he’s done & by allowing him to take over your house and your daughter’s house, you are giving him all the power-he won’t respect you for it. He needs boundaries. He needs a lesson in reality-please, stop coddling him, he is a lost cause for now.
Your daughter is your priority now-and by moving into a place she hates, you are essentially giving her the message she doesn’t matter.,
The best thing you can do is to kick your son out and put all your energy into repairing your relationship with your daughter. Otherwise, you might find you have two alienated children in future. Too many boys are spoiled and their needs prioritised over girls -this isn’t good role modelling for either of your children.
He is a lost cause for now. He needs a hard lesson in life/if he’s old enough to change his body, he’s old enough to become an adult with adult responsibilities/he needs to find a job and purpose.
Don’t sacrifice your relationship with your daughter or ignore her needs for him. This will have been difficult for her too.
Move back in and start a life with your daughter .
I hope he changes his mind, but while he’s still being supported, what reason is there for him to do so and how will he become an adult if he doesn’t need to learn how to live in the real world?
"Mean and hostile to me". This is what I'm dealing with as well. I am hurt but reading these comments tells me that it can be due to the cult's hold on my son. His attitude is going to cost him some good relationships as people won't tolerate his self-centeredness. Hope we all see the end of this cult soon.
I know how difficult it would be for a mother to evict and leave her child living on the streets. But maybe explain to your son you can't afford two houses, especially as a single mother, and that he needs to start helping with the bills until he pays at least 50% of mortgage/rent, all utilities and all his food/entertainment/other expenses. Absolutely he has to pay for his health insurance and all those horrible hormones and whatever mutilations he wants to do to his body. It is very important to draw these boundaries. MANY parents on this very website whose children finally got out of the cult have said boundaries were a key part for the good outcome.
I am also a single mother and my son began transitioning through the lockdown years. I have also felt dead inside, cried immensely, wanted to stop living, and felt grief that does not seem to subside with time. I am trying not to worry but it is always there, simmering under the surface. I am trying to love unconditionally and accept what is. I hope to find peace after so much grief and I hope you find peace too.
Sell the house and let the people who made your son trans pay for his upkeep. Maybe when your son is living on the streets, he will realize that he was manipulated into believing a delusion because men can never become women and women can never become men.
My heart feels for you. I’m also reminded of an episode of Amanda Knox’s podcast Labyrinths: she interviews a mom whose two sons became drug addicts and were arrested multiple times. The mother paid for lawyers and bail every time and tried everything (forcing them into rehab) to save them. Things only changed when she said she would do this one last time and never again.
You're paying the bills at your old house? For your son & his trans friend? You might as well approve of his turning trans & his new life. Move home & kick them both out. He's 18, he can find a job & get his own place. That might bring him back to reality faster than anything else. If not, at least you're not giving him financial approval. He's definitely got the upper hand here; take back your power.
Each of these stories is more devastating than the prior one. To this courageous mom, I love you and I am sure I speak for everyone else who is reading this entry.
I have recently come to a new understanding of my neglecting to push my 24-yr-old TID (mtf) son out of the nest as similar to enabling an addict. He is not on any hormones yet, doesn't present in any way, doesn't require the use of alternate name or pronouns, he is kind, and we get along perfectly. But he isn't making any long-term plans that I can see (other than which anime convention he will attend this year). He is employed full-time and has begun paying us rent, but says he is unhappy in his job (the family business since age 15) yet doesn't show much interest in going back to school or trying to get work elsewhere. He just goes to work, comes home and showers, then stays in his room all evening gaming (or the entire day on his days off). He has done this for nearly ten years. He has managed to save a decent amount of money (since he doesn't have many expenses besides his car payment and his insurance payment. He has state Medicaid, so no medical bills or premiums. He has a work phone, so he doesn't have to pay for that. He only has credit card bills that he pays monthly (the entire balance, which can be up to $1,500/mo at times for gaming and entertainment - not sure what all - "art" is how it is described *eyeroll*). He is living an unproductive life and seems bored but willing to just coast for as long as he wants. I do know that he has plans to move out because I have told him he cannot transition under our roof (and until he is out there supporting himself entirely). In the meantime, I have set an intention for myself to somehow convince him that this is the wrong path for him. Every time I think he is turning away from it, I will ask him, is he sure this is what he wants to do? He insists that yes, he is sure, and I won't change his mind about it. He wants boobs. That is all. This is clearly a fetish (he engages in other fetishes as well) and I believe he was introduced to this online in MS and HS, but now it's that damn Discord trans (groomers) chat group that keeps him engaged all day, every day! Anyway, all this was to ask, do you suppose that giving up your home so that your son can live out his fantasy trans life with his (trans?) girlfriend is the right move? Do our kids have "squatter's rights"? It seems clear it was not the right move for your daughter. I feel really sad for you that it seems you are unable to stand up to your son. You described him as hateful. I know it's hard for me to get my head around. My son is clearly lazy (always has been, pretty much, and he admits this), but yours was meanspirited and seems to have captured the household from you. I believe as a mom, you do not want to see your son "on the street" homeless, or worse. I certainly would not want those things for my son either. My husband has not kicked him out or insisted that he move, although that is what we are working toward. (I keep saying that I'm trying to put it off until he reaches age 26 for the brain development and the critical thinking to kick in). But I know that I am enabling him. We have been doing that for five years now - since he graduated HS. When I graduated my parents gave me an ultimatum: go to college full time or get a full-time job. I could not afford college (although I did try it for six months), ran out of money and then was allowed to move home as long as I got a job and paid rent to my parents. I did, and it sucked. I moved out with a girlfriend and basically starved, then begged my parents to let me move back home so I could go to a trade school. I had finally found a path that would get me on my way to supporting myself. I was 21 by then. When my son was 21, he was in the hospital fighting cancer which he fought for two years (he's in remission 18 months now). I think the reason I let everything slide was because I was so afraid we would lose him to the cancer (I am still afraid that it will come back). I'm making excuses for myself for enabling him. If you saw his collection of French maid and Little Bo Peep cosplay costumes, his room that is loaded with half-naked anime girl (Hentai) figurines, posters of the same papering his walls, and the sheep-girl decals on his car, you would know for sure that he is obsessed with this idea and that we are enabling him to continue the obsession (ROGD gender OCD); the porn content he consumes daily resembles an addiction for sure. I hate to say this, but it seems like a problem of "white privilege", and I hate saying that, but it seems true. He was smart enough in school to not really have to work hard at it and he did work, but he seemed bored, lonely, nerdy, so he became enamored with all the things online gaming provided, including groomers and algorithms that fed porn content that was way over his head. I don't know why I'm rambling on your comment section. I'm sure you're doing your best as I feel I am doing my best with the impossible. (I wish Substack had emojis because I would put a string of them here).
I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope things will get better
In reading some of the comments, I agree your daughter is hurting because of your son's stupidity. He needs tough love. Give him the boot, and pray he wakes up before its to late. I myself have a son who decided he should be a girl in college, at first I thought it was a fad too. I didn't take it seriously. Then I watched WHAT IS A WOMEN. That OPENED my eyes to a WHOLE lot of this BS these young adults or kids, and children are falling for. Now my son doesn't live with us, got of college got a job in another state. I started reading and writing him a letter and sent all my findings to him. And what did I get, I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN. And its been over 2 yrs now. I pray and hope he wakes up maybe before he is 40, he is now 27. Yes it HURTS alot not being able to talk to him. I have been blocked on his phone from calling and texting. Tough love is important. I have never sugar coated anything with him. Always told him what consequences are. I thought we raised a smart not follow the stupid but college got him. My bad for sending him to college. 100k for an idiot. A mother knows in her heart what she has to do plus her gut tells her too. You know best, bit don't let your daughter suffer because of her brother. She is your number one now. Prayers for you and your family. Hugs.
Your a horrible person...
I am sorry for what you've gone through. I'm also sorry to bring this up, but are you aware that trannies cannot be trusted? I wouldn't even let mine house sit for me anymore, because their trans friends are also dishonest. They lie to themselves first, then others, except others to lie for them, and especially lie to those closest! They will flip on you on a dime. They will steal without conscience as well. I would not trust one living in my home, let alone two! Best of luck to you and I hope you can repair and foster your important relationship with your daughter. Focus on her now and move back home. Let your son figure out his consequences on his own, as he's already done with his body.
I think you need to give the older "child" 30 days to move and go back home with your daughter, she shouldn't have to,suffer the burden of the older child. By you paying everything you are silently, in fact, supporting his decision. Children at that age sometimes have to go thru really hard times to learn amd grow. (After my son was forced to sleep in his car for 3 months he learned some important lessons).
Good Luck.
You are one amazing woman to have endured so much for so long. I’m glad you have found others who understand and keep you going.
However, by allowing your son to stay in YOUR home, you are not only enabling him, but creating tensions with your daughter that may never be resolved in future. Essentially this selfish boy has taken priority over your daughter and she should not have to suffer because of your son’s incredibly self obsessed behaviour.
He is 18, it could take years, if ever, for him to realise what he’s done & by allowing him to take over your house and your daughter’s house, you are giving him all the power-he won’t respect you for it. He needs boundaries. He needs a lesson in reality-please, stop coddling him, he is a lost cause for now.
Your daughter is your priority now-and by moving into a place she hates, you are essentially giving her the message she doesn’t matter.,
The best thing you can do is to kick your son out and put all your energy into repairing your relationship with your daughter. Otherwise, you might find you have two alienated children in future. Too many boys are spoiled and their needs prioritised over girls -this isn’t good role modelling for either of your children.
He is a lost cause for now. He needs a hard lesson in life/if he’s old enough to change his body, he’s old enough to become an adult with adult responsibilities/he needs to find a job and purpose.
Don’t sacrifice your relationship with your daughter or ignore her needs for him. This will have been difficult for her too.
Move back in and start a life with your daughter .
I hope he changes his mind, but while he’s still being supported, what reason is there for him to do so and how will he become an adult if he doesn’t need to learn how to live in the real world?
Good luck
Amen! Out he and his sex-clown boyfriend go!
"Mean and hostile to me". This is what I'm dealing with as well. I am hurt but reading these comments tells me that it can be due to the cult's hold on my son. His attitude is going to cost him some good relationships as people won't tolerate his self-centeredness. Hope we all see the end of this cult soon.
I know how difficult it would be for a mother to evict and leave her child living on the streets. But maybe explain to your son you can't afford two houses, especially as a single mother, and that he needs to start helping with the bills until he pays at least 50% of mortgage/rent, all utilities and all his food/entertainment/other expenses. Absolutely he has to pay for his health insurance and all those horrible hormones and whatever mutilations he wants to do to his body. It is very important to draw these boundaries. MANY parents on this very website whose children finally got out of the cult have said boundaries were a key part for the good outcome.
Then I would evict. Everyone must work for their living expenses.
I'm so sad to read this. My heart goes out to the author and her family.
I am so sorry. I hope for a better future for you and all parents dealing with this awful ideology!
I am also a single mother and my son began transitioning through the lockdown years. I have also felt dead inside, cried immensely, wanted to stop living, and felt grief that does not seem to subside with time. I am trying not to worry but it is always there, simmering under the surface. I am trying to love unconditionally and accept what is. I hope to find peace after so much grief and I hope you find peace too.
Sell the house and let the people who made your son trans pay for his upkeep. Maybe when your son is living on the streets, he will realize that he was manipulated into believing a delusion because men can never become women and women can never become men.
My heart feels for you. I’m also reminded of an episode of Amanda Knox’s podcast Labyrinths: she interviews a mom whose two sons became drug addicts and were arrested multiple times. The mother paid for lawyers and bail every time and tried everything (forcing them into rehab) to save them. Things only changed when she said she would do this one last time and never again.
You're paying the bills at your old house? For your son & his trans friend? You might as well approve of his turning trans & his new life. Move home & kick them both out. He's 18, he can find a job & get his own place. That might bring him back to reality faster than anything else. If not, at least you're not giving him financial approval. He's definitely got the upper hand here; take back your power.
Cut off his health care as well.
Each of these stories is more devastating than the prior one. To this courageous mom, I love you and I am sure I speak for everyone else who is reading this entry.